Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
This will make you laugh and we need laughs.
For VALENTINE’S DAY– my ex had ordered me off the internet– a wonderful– dog shedding brush.
Isn’t that romantic? And you know what?When he gave gifts– they were really about HIM. He actually did not want my AKita leaving hair in his house and got me the brush to help keep his place clean.—
I went to a new psychiatrist today.l HATED having to go thru the entire story AGAIN and came home crying and exhausted.
He did not say much– this was mostly getting my past– but he did say that “You think this was your fault don’t you?”
I said, “God yes.”
He asked, “What if I told you it wasn’t?”
He told me that my thinking this was my fault– being a victim of a psycopath is irrational thinking.
You guys– if I ACCEPT THAT YES — IWS A VICTIM of a calculating, predator in the wings of my job who knew EXACTLY what he was doing and the naivite/depression OF THE then gorgeous woman he was targeting–
then I really have to face the horror! Do you get it? Then I really have to get mad b/c someone blatently lied, decieved, abused, discarded, smear campaigned and now is trying to harrass– and BLAMING ME / THE VICTIM FOR ALL OF IT.
I can blame myself for being so stupid and not being closer to God at the time and opening the door to this or
I can face that fact that a TEd Bundy jumped on me– and that there are REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, evil, conning, cruel, sadistic people out there who have no regard for God or other people or even doing right or wrong. And that they can have families who watch what they are doing to you and even go along with and HELP in the seduction b/c they have their own sick, selfish movites with the P/S/N. Unreal. If I saw a stranger being mistreated– or knew some saleman was about to take someone for a ride of a life time– I would reach out. These folk were like henchmen– “Oh he is a great guy. He’s nuts about you. He never, ever hurt his wife– she is just saying that for money.”
I dont feel good. someone write me back por favor—- thank you–
I hate DC. It has been cold and raining here for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT.
akitameg:
A dog-shedding brush? I rest my case.
As far as Ted Bundy goes, God will fight that battle for you.
Just concentrate on yourself and your future.
akitameg:
I think you’re finally starting to get it. They are to blame for their exploitive, manipulative, abusive behavior. None of us deserved what we got. And the only way to get better is to get honest about what he was — a sociopath — and what he did — lie, use, abuse, manipulate, cheat, steal — the works.
We all are loving people. That said, we didn’t know how to protect ourselves. So, I guess if I’m going to blame myself for anything, it’s having poor boundaries and being too trusting and too giving.
As for their families, I think when someone like us comes along, they are secretively relieved — at least for awhile. My S’s family KNEW exactly what he was all about. For the time I was seeing him, at least they didn’t have to bail him out, put up with his abuse, lies, manipulation and thieving. It is in their best interests to draw in some new victim — if for just even a short period — because it takes them out of the line of fire. So, if they have to lie to get a new victim in the door, they will do it.
Actually, they did have to put up with his nonsense to some extent. I still remember he showed up wearing a Rolex this spring. I knew it was a real one and asked him where he got it. He told me he “borrowed” it from his father. He let his youngest brother take a pounding from his father before he owned up to taking the watch.
The key to this whole thing is to try to stop making sense of a sociopath’s nonsense. Ditto his family’s. You’ve got to focus on you — how this made you feel and what you have to do to never let this happen again.
I hope the new doctor works for you. It sounds like you made a good start.
Matt:
Oh yes. Another trait that should be in their profile.
They have no problem using family members (even their own children) as sacraficial lambs.
Akitameg, Yes, superbly terrible gift givers. I could go on and on about that!
And yes….for me that was the most painful part…accepting that I had been targeted. Deliberately. Bit by bit by bit more and more and more hit me. His hidden agenda. His sudden reversals. His scripts. His lack of forthrightness. His addictions. His lies. His deliberate cruelty. His enjoyment of my suffering. Even a sexual assault.
But I’m WAY past blaming myself for any of that. He has fooled many. Some of the henchmen you refer to may not see the truth. Or if they do, they are as sick as he is.
I think sometimes blaming ourselves is a way of avoiding the horror. I threw up when it really hit me.
I’ll be hoping you are doing well.
Meg,
That reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday (she doesn’t bowl). And what’s more, the ball had the name “Homer” on it. But she got even. She went out and got bowling lessons with a handsome bowling instructor named Jacques.
These sociopaths are very smooth characters. They could fool anyone, and they usually do. It takes a while to start seeing through the act. Mine talked about his young daughter with so much affection as though she were the most important thing in his life. Yet he thought nothing of buying a bunch of boa constrictors and keeping the (unlocked) cages in his daughter’s room. It’s little things like that that are the first clue. The big glaring inconsistencies usually come a little later, once you’ve been hooked.
In just about an hour it will be the one year anniversary of my discovery of h’s double life. He left a message today saying he’s crying every day and that he will never get over me. The sad thing is, is that I feel like the bond will not be broken as long as we live, and yet I cannot go back to him. He is utterly untrustworthy, undependable, unfaithful, and inconstant. I don’t know if he’s an N or S/P or borderline or something in between but after 33 years the patterns have not changed. Caring for him but making myself turn from him seems like a limbo that will never go away.
nomore: It is sad. I’ve had NC for over a year with a man I spent 14 years with. My ex H lives on the east coast, a man I created another human being with, and yet never talk to him. Sometimes I think about how strange it feels. I admire you for being true to yourself! How are you feeling?
I have a question..and feedback would be much appreciated. Being that I have a child with an S..and no contact”is a bit difficult. I have kept it at a minimum and STRICTLY about our son. I have been indifferent. I know they feed off of atention”positive or negative”and he isnt getting any”.I feel a bit nervous now as I am not sure why”can anyone tell me from experience what the reaction of “indifference” is with one of these creatures..I know he doesnt like being cut off from me and having it be strictly about our son.
EndthePain:
If indifference is not something your S is used to getting from you, he may try to provoke you or gaslight you into some type of emotional reaction.
Don’t take the bait.
If he is an abusive parent to your child, be very careful. Any frustration with you will be taken out on the child.
If he is not a child abuser, I would not worry too much. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.
But if he is abusive towards YOU, or capable of any type of violence, then keep your GUARD UP.