Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
this girl owes me an explanation after all I did for her…I put my career on hold and moved back there to be with her, I tok care of her during surgery, I moved her back to her home state and she was supposed to move her eto be with me after a few months and then she just cut contact with no reason and made excuses why she didnt have her phone for a month (it was in her car in the shop) and then she emailed for that time and then just one day stopped doing that…I dont know what to think because Im sure she remembers how good we were together, real or not and Im sure she remembers all the promises she made about our future and then she just vanished into thin air and hasn’t talked to me or emailed me since but did return the netflix videos she had when I forwarded her the email saying I canceled the account?!?!?
here I go again…
justabout healed sums it up perfectly
I feel compelled to share something I have learnED.
I was in an unhealthy relationship. Based on two things.
1. My x-partner, who, for whatever unhealthy selfish reason CHOOSES/HAS A CONDITION TO BE FRAUDULANT, LIE, CHEAT, STEAL – SOMEONE WHO SIMPLY CHOOSES OR HAS A CONDITION TO MAKE BAD CHOICES IN LIFE. Unbeknowngst to me he began our journey misrepresenting/masking who he truly was.
2. Once that became apparant, and the mask fell off I myself for whatever unhealthy selfless reason chose to stay, chose to try to fix/change, chose to deny, chose to ignore, chose to disregard (or never acknowledge most of my life) my basic god given gifts of self-respect, self-love and self-trust.
I have said I blame…. him…or the shame is ….on him. But for me personally, my truth is there is no blame or shame. Ultimately there is the beautiful choice of learning and growth from experience . (good and bad)…
If I really am truly honest with myself….with what I want…what I deserve… I would say…love, respect, honesty and all of the things that equate to having a beautiful healthy life. First and foremost I must give all of those things to myself…to experience them from and within myself…to learn and know all that I deserve, I simply must give it to myself first and foremost. By doing so…life becomes so much more simplified going forward with others…all of the guessing and wondering and second guessing goes out the window (or should slowly dissipate) because you exist knowing what you deserve and give off to others what you are experiencing within when you are in a healthy state of self everything ( a centered state). If its not reciprocated, you continue on your journey. Most times its reciprocated because you find yourself drawn to and around like minded people.
The bad man (and people like him) have their own ways of existing and being, make their own choices, live their lives according to their own rule book, never learning or growing,just mimicking. If you become involved with one, eventually the jig will be up. Just like if you pick up a beautiful looking apple and start eating it…and low and behold halfway through is a disgusting brown mushy spot with worms in it — you either continue to eat all around it or throw it away (move on). With me, in my life with him, I was in a place where seeing that rotten spot on the apple my stomach would instinctively churn…but if he said…oh no…thats the best part ..go ahead eat it …I would have! No.no.no. Where was my own foul proof, never let me down self-trust? No where to be found..None existent back then..as well as self-respect and self-love…I relied soley on what he dished out and believed it and lost myself because of that. Not because of him.
Ive learned to move on because its in my best interest. Because I cannot change another human being nor do I desire to. Life is all about learning and growing, or not learning and staying stagnant. Life is about choices, letting in and/or letting go. Life is about joy and pain. Truth and deceit. Life is basically about acceptance of yourself and others. Doing things that are righteous as well as learning from either doing unhealthy selfish things or explorations in life.
I didnt know that I am the one who must be in complete control of myself — never give that away to another through being convinced, or manipulated or deceived. How do I do that? Trust myself, respect myself, GET TO KNOW MYSELF, etc. first and foremost. Its like a formula for life for me now. I cant blindly trust someone else and lend money, or be sprinkled with fairy dust anymore, or give my all my everything when its not being reciprocated and IM FULLY AWARE ITS NOT – AND NO LONGER MAKING UP MY OWN EXCUSES FOR THE REASONS WHY OR WASTE TIME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY A BAD MAN CHOOSES TO BE ONE OR AN UNHEALTHY ADULT PARTNER OPTS NOT TO GET TREATMENT. (CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT – WE ACTUALLY HAVE THE GIFT OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR THEM UNTIL THEY ARE ADULTS) . The ANSWERS ARE right in front of us. We have to accept things at face value. Pick up the pieces. Learn what allowed us to be (along with being good, decent, kind, loving, generous and all good SOULS..) what allowed us to be naiive and gullible and insecure and used and abused and get lost. Learn what part of self was MIA in our past toxic relationships. Because if I had my chit together – AFTER THE MASK CAME OFF – The moment the mask fell – the first red flag (I need a loan…or he was hiding his phone…or he blew me off…or my gut went a wry over anything — if I truly had my chit together – I would have moved on because the self-respect/love/trust in me would know what I want and deserve better now. I wouldnt have gotten lost wondering, and guessing and confronting and being insecure and guessing. So was any of it my fault — on the surface no — the lies, the cheating the stealing…his way of life was much of our problem…but on the inside deep deep down buried inside of me layed an open fault (crack) in my being that I had to go in and figure out what in the world was going on with my internal core – that I found myself way too far in and over my head with another human being – a bad, deceitful, selfish man who makes bad choices for himself and for me while I was his partner. So that I learn and grow and move on from a toxic person who for whatever reason makes unhealthy choices and has dysfunctional relations.
No Contact is just the beginning of the end of that nightmare with a bad person for us in our life. It is the opportunity and chance and choice to grow and learn more about yourself and life and unfortunately others in the world that we werent aware existed or that we fell victim to again because of two reasons.
1. My x-partner, who, for whatever unhealthy selfish reason CHOOSES/HAS A CONDITION TO BE FRAUDULANT, LIE, CHEAT, STEAL – SOMEONE WHO SIMPLY CHOOSES OR HAS A CONDITION TO MAKE BAD CHOICES IN LIFE. Unbeknowngst to me he began our journey misrepresenting/masking who he truly was.
2. Once that became apparant, and the mask fell off I myself for whatever unhealthy selfless reason chose to stay, chose to try to fix/change, chose to deny, chose to ignore, chose to disregard (or never acknowledge most of my life) my basic god given gifts of self-respect, self-love and self-trust.
Good Grief,
Words are nothing with them.. Unlike with us they have no meaning. Its not surprising she SAYS any of the positive or negative things she does to you.
I find it very interesting she has a “stalker” or does she have a history of leading guys on and then leaving them…bringing them to the breaking point… or worse to the point of total confusion and chaos..whereas the guy before you just was so madly in love with her that he lost it…he went for broke to get her back…and she has the ability to do what she did to him (and I think to you)…claim “your a stalker” to get rid of him and now you… just a thought…these people are UNBELIEVABLE in their ways and what they do to good decent trusting people.
NO CONTACT. DEVOTE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO MAKING THAT LIST! 🙂
good grief:
I also find it very interesting she has a “stalker”. I’m of the school of thought that she led this guy on and gave him a good mind-fuck.
The ex of my S, whom he had been with 8 years prior to S being sent to prison, was always in the picture between S and me. It used to drive me bonkers.
After I drove S off, I realized 4 things. First, that S intentionally pitted his ex and me against each other, solely for his amusement. Second, by tossing the ex the occasional crumb, I realize S was keeping the ex on the hook so he could continue to bleed him. Third, S got off on the power he was able to exercise over people like this, plus, it guaranteed he would have alternative sources of supply to fall back to when one of those sources walked. And fourth, after 8+ years, S’s ex didn’t know what was real anymore.
Now, I actually feel sorry for the ex. By continuing to engage with S, he will continue to be bled — financially, emotionally, every way. By not going NC he isn’t going to obtain the clarity I’ve gotten.
Also, S drove me right over the edge a couple of times. I still vividly remember walking around his block for 8 hours on a freezing winter night after S had “broken up” with me by text. I now see his lack of balls and manipulativeness by doing it that way. When he finally deigned to let me up the next morning, he blamed me for his “cashed” paycheck being lifted out of his pocket and how he couldn’t make the rent.
I stupidly wrote him a check. Several months later, when he came looking for another rent handout, I realized I hadn’t written the rent check for the month he claimed, but the month BEFORE that. But, he had my reality so twisted that I didn’t even bring it up and wrote another check.
So, since this guy was a bf from high school, your ex had a good long time to work him over. I suspect there’s a lot more to this story than you know. As a matter of fact, based on the way these sub-human vampires operate, I would be inclined to believe that most everything she’s told you is a lie.
I hear ya about it all being a lie…her story was that after her accident he re-established contact with her like a lot of people did to see how she was doing and all. Other people that know him (family and 1 friend) all seem to think he really does have a screw loose. Anyway, she said they became friendly again but she was living out west with a boyfriend of a few years. after talking for a few months or whatever and getting close again she made a comment to him saying that she cant tell if a guy likes her and he proceeded to say that he did and that he wanted to be with her…she said she got mad and felt like he was nestling up to her as a friend with alterior motives. she cut contact and he went nuts. called, texted, even drove out west to confront her. Then it stopped for a few years until she was back home for a funeral and saw him in a bar and was even dumb enough to go back to his house to hang out for awhile even though he had a girlfriend. shortly after that he broke up with his girlfriend and started relentlessly pursuing her. I saw the texts, I heard the messages, it was so twisted until finally we involved the police and they called him and tiold him to stop which he did for awhile until he called around xmas time threatening to kill himself if she didnt call him. well, she didnt,. she called the cops again and they went to his house to see if he was alright which he was. Thats the story as I know it, some of it I know to be true cuz I was there, but before my time is obviously in question. I just cant believe that I helped protect her from him and he supposedly gave her a reason to cut contact with him and with me, she “supposedly” loved me forever and I lived with her and I didn’t do a damn thing wrong and everything right! so thats the deal with that
Good Grief,
Where you are with this (iI didnt do a damn thing wrong and everything right) is kind of what I was touching on in my above post.
I agree with you that you didnt do wrong by loving her, and caring for her and giving her so much of your goodness…
but at this point…when you are fully aware of her capabilities and list of decietful, manipulative ways (you have shared many with us)…and this stage of the “relationship”… is where the wrongdoing begins to fall on the “victim”… and I hesitate using the word “wrongdoing” but its where I personally question self-respect, self-trust and self-value and drawing the line and making boundaries (or ALL lack thereof on your part)… you are basically making a plea or bargaining with yourself to “go for broke” with someone who has shown you and proved to you who she really is. She lied about status of your relationship to family members, she chooses not to contact you, she devalued and discarded you.
What is the right thing to do with that information? Now that the jig is up? Sell yourself off to the devil? or reconnect with your self-respect and self-belief and self everything….
This is exactly the point in the “relationship” where its a slippery slope to continue on and not be able to assume half responsibility for what you are willing to take on.
And, this is where we all found ourselves….the question is HUGE for me…what causes us not to see the light at this stage? What is it about each and every one of us that enables us not to see the light, the bright shining burning light “TOXIC, BAD PERSON FOR YOU IN YOUR LIFE, GET OUT OR TAKE ON MORE AND MORE AND MORE ABUSE, DECEIT, SELFISHNESS” until you are completely out of control and lost….
Well I cant speak for everyone, some of us got out sooner and some of us got out much later…but it baffles me as to where our sense of self everything goes (or ever was) with a toxic person in our lives treating us badly, giving off red flags that the pits of our stomach were load with collection of red flags…and we dont get out or want to or know to or understand how to…