Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Hi All!
I don’t know if it would have changed things to know ahead of time what I was getting myself into, but I too have been seriously duped by a con artist S. All the red flags were there, but I was so deeply in love and wanting to “FIX” the S that I simply ignored those flags. I was lead into believing my S that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. He told me to sell my million dollar house and move into his little double-wide mobile home, that he’d pay the bills (except mine which was okay), and that we’d eventually buy a new house together.
I got $170,000 from the sale of my house and spent $25,000 remodeling his house. He never asked me for money, but he let me spend my money on him and his house with no problem. I realized that the less money I had, the more he became controlling and mean. Yes, all my money had been spent… and on what I don’t know. Just stuff I guess. I figured we were going to be okay and I didn’t mind spending my money on him… gifts, clothes, expensive foods, riding lawn mower. You name it, I bought it for him.
I was completely blind and foolish. Now that I have no money, he’s feeling like he’s on top. He manipulates, degrades, and tries to make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. He doesn’t sleep on the couch, but he sleeps on the other side of the bed as far away as he possibly can. He no longer wants to have sex with me. When I talk to him about it he says, “I always want to have sex with you baby”, then he turns over and goes to sleep. It’s the same thing all the time and I feel like a loser. I’m pretty sure he’s cheating. All the signs are there.
It’s sad when you give all you have in the way of money, love, and sex, and give up who you are for someone as evil and cruel as he is. My self-esteem is pretty much gone, but I’m still working on a way to get out. I want to get back at him in so many ways. I’ve stooped so low as to feed him the fattiest foods I can find, make it so he doesn’t have to do anything but lay in bed so he’ll get fat and hopefully have a heart attack, run up credit cards that he has no idea he has in his name, and put out the same dirty underwear he’s been wearing for the past two weeks. Now I want him to lose his job.
I know all this sounds terrible, but I can’t take the abuse anymore. None of this is how I really am, but I think people come to a point to where they lash out any way they can, and I do. Being angry is better than being destroyed emotionally. I’ve been there and it’s the worst feeling. Yes I need to get out, but until I can, I get some satisfaction knowing he’s eating burgers with bits of dog crap in them and wearing gross smelly underwear for weeks at a time. These are the actions of a broken, tormented and deeply hurt human being and I hate it. He’s brought me to the point to where I want to die. That’s not me. At least it wasn’t me pre-S. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
Someone said “..there needs to be a shift. Your whole emotional and intellectual stance toward that person must be different.” For starters quit viewing him as my “husband”. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to shut off the love I have for this POS. Even though I know nothing I thought I had was real, in my mind I loved him and that was real.
I keep wondering if what goes around really does eventually come around. He always seems to fly under the radar for some reason. Nothing ever comes back to him no matter what he does. All I can say is that one day I WILL be out of here, and I WILL get over all of this. Hearing stories from those of you who have gotten out and moved on has helped me cope with life as it is right now. It gives me hope.
Thanks!
AllPNG,
I hope you can find a way to get out of your current situation and get some shelter (physically and emotionally). That is really the only way your emotional and intellectual stance will be different. With the perspective of distance. I don’t say this because I KNOW this as a fact, and maybe there are some on this site who got clear in the midst of it.
But for me, I had to get away, and see it from a distance, before the reality of it became clear, and I could quit taking on the blame and guilt of my ‘failure’.
Plus, I don’t know how some of the men and women here survived such LONG and horribly abusive relationships, without killing the perpetrators. So dirty underwear and poop in the food doesn’t seem all that heinous to me. AND, I wouldn’t want to imagine what could happen with more pressure, chaos, betrayal, and confusion.
You say yourself that this wasn’t you before this fiasco, and I guarantee it won’t be you after.
If there is any chance that you can pack up and slip away while he is away at the job he still has, I hope that you will take it.
Take your life back. Don’t cook another shit-burger for this digusting suckhole….he doesn’t deserve it. THAT is too good for the likes of him.
Dear Slimone,
Thanks for the making me laugh. I don’t do it very often. I know you’re right. I’m trying to get myself together enough to get out. The money is all gone and I have no access to his other than those credit cards. I plan on using them to make my escape when the time comes.
I like making the shit burgers though. It’s the only bit of satisfaction I get… plus I keep hoping for e-coli some day. I know I won’t be like this once I’m out of here.
Thanks again!
Whoa APNG! Poop Burgers!? Wow!! That nearly split my sides!!!
I shouldnt laugh though.No more poop burgers!!!
I understand why you feel like that – these things are little acts of resistance, but you must get out of there, seriously, I hope there is no more waiting, you dont have to be ‘together’ (if I waited to be ‘together’ to do anything I’d be waiting a long time). Maybe to start the ball rolling get to your GP to talk about and record the effect that this relationship has had on your health and well being, if you feel strong enough speak to a solicitor about your rights regarding the house, and research avenues of places to stay if you havent already? I know these things are just so difficult to do when you feel like you must be… but these are things you must do for you… much healthier acts of resistance than shitburgers:)
I
slept til 1 pm. could not get out of bed and I went to bed early. dreamt of him entire time and woke up in terror with this dream:
He somehow knew that I was “jonsing”longing/missing for him and that I sooooo wanted to call him. He knew I still “loved” him. Sooooo- I call his phne number– pressing #67 first which blocks out your number. I just wanted to hear his voice on outgoing announcement.
He had left on his outgoing message a happy voice of himself sayng that he was out all day wit his new love– happy as a lark. They were running errands (like he did with me in beginning) and he was so happy. I could even hear her voice in background. He left that outgoing message for me so that I could hear it. Yeah– this is how I wake up every day.
I am sorry– but I think I may be one of the ones who does NOT SUrvive this. I ironically am very close to John Walsh’s best life friend —from America’s Most WAnted. We spoke for an hour the other night. I asked him of he could ask John how I can get over this— for I know what evil MR. Walsh has seen.
My friend asked, “He didn’t kill you so get over it.”
My fist thought was– I wish he HAD killed me– b/c this is death of a worse kind. I told him I would love to speak to John– does he know that th worse type of Psychopath is the one who does not get caught– who does not leave evidence? And he did kill me. This is not me. Any of it.
jI lost everything I own. What little I have is here in a tiny apt. for which I a not paying rent at my sweet, sweet exhusband’s– in boxes. Dirty, dusty. I have lost my place in life. and I don’t have the energy or motivation or life force in me to get it back or to get back up. For what? Even my Akita is still down south with friends and that dog even went to work with me at theNursing Homes EVERYDAY.
In order to survive this, we must want to survive. In order to keep living– we must want to.
I swear to God– I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. nOTHING.
Yeah— some doc jut doubled my prozac two days ago– but that will do nothing to my reality. I could be high on crack cocaine and I would still want to leave this world where such evil lurks and where I STILL LOVE SOMEONE WHO DISCARDED ME AND I CAN’T CALL and i don’t understand what is real and what is not.
i CAN’T SING ANYMORE /bc of this reflux and depression and my soul is black. Without light or energy– I cannot sing.
I miss my man. I am crying for the man I loved– but my close trusted friends and myself sometimes say he was not real.
I was suppposed to go fo Fairfax today and spend a day with a preist and his wife. They love me. I couldn’t get out of bed.
You know– yesterday a former boyfriend called. A sweet, nice guy. We talked for an hour– we catch up every 3-6 months. He is getting married, has invited me to the wedding and we are still great friends. Isn’t that how life should be? WE can call people to whom we were in love relationships– even if they did not turn into marriage– and see how they are doing?
I am sorry to be darkness on this wonderful blog. Maybe I should not come anymore, b/c I am not getting better. I still love the man I thought I had. HOw could he not be real? How could tears and promises and long talks and awesome sex not be real?
a year ago I was cooking in the kitchen with my ex N. I had bought an onion. He had said, “Please buy a Vadalia next time.” I asked why and he responded, “B/c they are sweet and do not make me cry. LIke you Meg.”
we both looked at each other and I put my arms around him and our eyes were filled with tears. How was that NOT real?
But then– wasn’t his dishonesty and exploitation of me real. Don’t touch me in front of my daughter. I’ll consider marrying you if you can be anxiety free and not ask questions about our relationship for a week.
I may never know. I’m not welll. I need to get to that friends’ home. They are very christian. Then again– my faith is gone now. I saw evil. Complete godlessness. I don’t really believe in God anymore. Would he not had saved me from such a person? A girl doing God’s work singing and playing piano for dying people all day for 22,000 a year?
I lost everything when he discarded me and he was rewarded over 3 million dollars. I do not understand.
ALLPAIN- BLess your heart. I have to say I laughed out loud at your serving him up poop burgers! Wheres that damned E Coli when you need it???! Hilarious!! Have you tried running his toothbrush under the toilet rim?lol.
I have soo been there.
When giving my x n/P things back after divorce, I fantasized about dumping his contacts in bleach, figured that may open his blind eyes to his sinful ways. Instead, I just dumped em in the trash.
I gave alot of his clothing to charity (1st time he ever gave back to any charity in his life!) I gave him ONE of each shoe he left at my home! (teach him to walk ALL over ME)
For Every heinous thing I found out during our divorce about him, I went down to the boxes of sh** I had packed up for him and removed or gave away items one by one, sometimes at 2 AM I would be digging thru his things.
I allowed our dog to sleep on his pillow,drag it around in the garage for months, he did get that pillow back.
He started out with 3 TV sets, all of those got repossessed for collateral damage by me, he got the keyboard to his computer, But NO computer, You get the picture. I could legally get away with this b/c he signed papers that his representative ( our pastor) would pick up remaining property-no mention of WHAT property specifically As FINAL RESOLUTION to the divorce, since due to restraining order, he himself could not pick up property at my home. He reasoned that after all the cash stolen from me, and crimes against me, I would still be old faithful, and give him his crap back! Find another lollipop, Im no longer your sucker!!!
NoPainNG, In all seriousness, Please be careful. Physical abuse during a time of separation is extremely likely with a S. Always PROTECT yourself OVER everything else. Even small revenges-sweet as it is, is not worth risking your life. Prayers are with you.
hey everyone…the more I think about it, the more I realize that she has been down this path before. She has been propsed to twice when she was real young and almost a 3rd time with the guy before me who she’d been with for like 6 years. I know that one of the times the guy drove out west when she was real young, knocked on her door and proposed and she shut the door in his face. Guy sounds pretty desperate, I would bet she did something like this to him. And this one is kinda a kicker, the guy she was with before me took care of her for years. He was there when she couldnt even walk and she asked him once why he was even there because she was so bad off that she couldnt offer him anything and he told her it was because he loved her. Then he got a ring and started acting funny and she called him out and he told her that he got a ring and she told him not to bother. They split shortly after that and they remained friends for about a year. Just talk occasionally as he moved away. Then recently she told him that she thought they shouldnt even talk anymore, even as freinds, and this guy had helped her so mch and she didnt even want to be casual friends with him…sounds like a pattern to me, she probably feels like she doesnt want to be tied down to anyone or owe anyone anything. just thoght I’d throw that ut there, dont know if it means anything.
Dear Meg,
I am so sorry you are in such pain, and feel that you have lost your faith. Dear Meg, God didn’t promise us that life would be “all rosy” if we believe, but He DID promise that “all things work together for good to those that Love the Lord.”
I had so many many horrible things happen to me (as most of us here have had) and you know what, at the TIME they happened, I felt horrible, that my world was black, but later, it turned out that if those bad things had not happened, the later good thing wouldn’t hve happened either.
Meg, I sincerely believe that your depression is so deep that you need professional help and medication (I am a retired mental health and family registered nurse practitioner.) Meg, I was so deeply depressed after my husband’s death and after my break up with my X BF (the P) that without professional help, I would NOT have made it. I still take medication for depression and believe me, I need it. It doesn’t make life “peaches and cream” but it does help me cope with things that aren’t fun…the normal everyday things we all deal with, like getting out of bed.
The reflux can be part of the stress response your body has gone through, as are many of our “fall apart” responses to high stress.
Meg, for goodness sake don’t quit coming here, but I also think you need to see a therapist and/or psychiatrist for some more help than we can give you here. Love Fraud has been wonderful for me, and helped me so much with the healing, but when depression gets you down low enough, the online support is NOT enough. Get some help now, dear meg! I care about you so much and I hear your deep pain and depression. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you, and this whole mess for me has made me see God’s love in a better and stronger way and I hope for you too. ((((hugs))))
AllPainNoGain —
I second what those above have said –You’ve got to get out and now!
If I may be so bold as to say, taking your own vengeance is really going to hurt you in the long run. It’s not worth it. I realize when we’ve been done wrong some response is called for, but it seems to me that the best response for you is GETTING OUT, cutting your losses, planning your future, and begin to do things that help you heal.
When I discovered my h’s lies and double life it helped me to separate. If I had stayed with him, as some recommended, I don’t know if it would have been so easy to ward off the bitterness and desire to take my own vengeance. The separation and filing for divorce were healthy and proportionate consequences to his actions and freed me up on the inside.
There were those who thought just “forgive”, believe him and go on, almost as if nothing had happened — that this was the Christian thing to do. Yet they have a false view of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean no boundaries, no consequences, and as OxDrover said on another thread, trusting them again. And because I was able to establish the distance, THE BOUNDARIES, I could keep from being eaten up with bitterness (not that there weren’t moments, ok sometimes hours), and approach honest, real forgiveness in my heart.
Anyway, the point being is to take action that is healthy for you. I know it seems like some people keep getting away with stuff. I have had very strong desire at times to see my husband found out and held accountable. But as I get further away from the situation I realize this really is in God’s hands. “‘Vengeance is Mine. I will repay’, says the Lord.'” And He’ll take care of me.
I hope you can see your way clear from the situation. I’m so sorry you lost your money. I sure know how uncertain moving forward feels when finances aren’t secure — I’ve been dealing with that all year, as I’m entirely dependant on h. But little by little I’ve been getting my ducks in a row. Hopefully, you can get enough together to make your plans, move forward, and channel your energy and pain into your future.
GoodGrief:
You have just defined a MAN-EATER!!! I rest my case.