Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Dear Meg,
You are going to be ok.
I still have love for the man I was with. But I have a greater love for myself. I have a greater understanding that my life will not be “fixed and better” to go back to him. I painfully understand that my (AND YOUR) Light and Energy does not come from another persons existence in our lives.
Meg he was real. You lived it with him…the onion story was real and the physical abuse story (did he strangle you?)) was real. It was all real. What you have to try to ACCEPT is who he really and truly was when REAL LIFE CHALLENGING MOMENTS CAME INTO PLAY….not when there was sex and dinners and words…but when there were REAL life issues (Can you babysit…can you come away with me so I can isolate you and get you back…dont touch me in front of my daughter…all of it…
Meg, the thing is you do know. You know and it pains you are hurts you and still devastates you that he really turned out to be a bad person who made unhealthy choices where you were concerned when real life moments came into play..like many of our exs. Its ok that you are still dealing with the post trauma of it all…
But its NEVER OKAY to let yourself GIVE UP GIRLFRIEND.. Its just not an option. God gave you your life for one person to love and cherish — that would be you MEG. Your reason to live is for yourself. The person who can save you is YOU – if I can trust you to do that – and I only know you from your posts — why cant you trust yourself to save yourself? What is holding you back ?? You can do this and you are going to and I know you can do it with flying colors…
AkitaMeg – the real truth is – if you were back in his arms right now – you would be with a man who doesnt treat you well consistently. You would be emotionally hurt again – you would be back to dont touch me in front of my daughter and then some sex and then faced with dishonesty and then promises and then long walks and then exploitation…. Do you see Meg..do you see what was really real???? Emotional abuse and physical abuse. You will lose more than everything to go back to what you are pining away for right now…you will lose MEG.
You have found her. You are alone with her and its scary and different and unusual. But Meg has all the safety and love and nurturing right there inside of her that she needs right now and then God will be right there helping to pick you up and get you through this.
Sometimes things dont work out with people who we fall in love with. Sometimes they are just there to teach us a lesson or we touch thier lives…nothing is in stone…except we have ourselves everyday…its a miracle to LEARN to find yourself, create yourself, rely on yourself first and foremost. And then the good people and good partners and goodness will follow.
I think now that you are up and got that out of you, you can get dressed and ready to go to your friends home for more comfort and support. And I would like you to post here when you get to your friends home. You are no worse off than many of us presently are or have been but dont or didnt have the strength and courage to verbalize like you do. You are needed here to share your journey, teach us how someone gets through hell and back and grow and learn with us.
Its ok to love and let go. and its ok to be alone and in a position to love Meg, rely on Meg and believe in Meg for the first time in your life. I know you are just venting and confused and scared and all the emotions you are experiencing are very real too, but Meg – a loss of a relationship isnt a reason to continue to lose yourself. Its a reason to find yourself again. Love and prayers …Learn..xoxo
Dear Goodgrief,
In several of your letters to her and your “posts” you mention “after all I did for you”—-which I have no doubt that you did do a lot of wonderful supportive things for her. But the thing with these monsters is that THEY HAVE NO GRATITUDE or appreciation for the sacrifices that we have done for them, they see them as THEIR ENTITLED RIGHT to the sacrifice of our entire lives for them. Why SHOULD they be grateful, we are only doing “our duty” to them. WTF?
Expecting them to appreciate anything is futile. I listened to a really cool radio play one night about a man who “donated” his heart to his mother (who was a psychopath) and he had to live on a heart lung machine until the next heart became available for transplant….of course his mother showed NO appreciation for what he had done for her, didn’t come to visit him, etc. and of course he NEVER got another heart in the play. I wish I could obtain a copy of that play scriipt, because it totally describes the way the psychopaths feel about us, just like his mother expected her son to give up his very heart and life for her…if you had given this woman your very physical heart for transplant, knowing you would die, she WOULD NOT CARE OR BE GRATEFUL.
I know that what you did you did out of love, not a desire for gratitude, but at the same time, when we do love someone and give and give and give, we do expect that they CARE.
They can ONLY pretend to care, not really care.
Now let me ask you something? Let’s reverse the situation.
Would YOU treat anyone you loved like she treated you? Of course not, you probably wouldn’t have treated someone you did NOT love, like she has treated you. But by comparing how she treated you to how you would treat someone you loved, you can see for a FACT that SHE DID NOT LOVE YOU. Don’t listen to the words she said, LISTEN TO HOW SHE ACTED. Did she act like someone who loved you? Of course not. If you love someone you talk to them daily, e mail frequently, or write. My husband and Iwere married 20+ years before his death and there were times he traveled on business, and there was NEVER A DAY WE DID NOT TALK ON THE PHONE, usually for hours. Why? Because he loved me and wanted to talk to me. Because I loved him and wanted to talk to him. We wanted to share our days while we were apart physically.
I know it takes some time to get your head around all this stuff, but read the past articles in the archives and learn about what she is—and learn about yourself as well. They target good and kind and caring people because we can trust and love, unlike them. Hang in there, it is a bumpy road, but it leads to healing and becoming stronger! God bless.
And Meg, Ox-Drover has been there, right there in your shoes, LISTEN TO HER, she is here for you to be able to learn and grow and reach out to the rope she sends you == grab hold of it — ask your friends or tell your friends you are going to visit – to help you get additional help, or an evaluation for severe depression.
Meg, my sister walked right into an emergency room and said I cant do this right now by myself..and the nurse said what? and my sister said “life” — and the nurse said to her, you love yourself enough that you got here by yourself — and its the truth — my sister had to reach out for some help with her depression because she knew she couldnt do it on her own. Reach Meg… be it your friends, or your Doctor, or an emergency room….reach…you can do it!
GG…
Lyrics from a song …
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I’ve done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me…
“Love” is not whats happening here. From you. or From her. You are full of goodness and giving and caring…you DESERVE someone who doesnt make you feel this way, you deserve someone who will respect you consistently… this is no way to live life… there isnt such a thing as “Sweeping in and Saving Cinderella” she needs to save herself!!! There is such a thing as meeting a good match for you – someone who has herself together as best as she can, someone who is consistent with you, someone who respects you every day and the boundaries YOU WILL PUT IN PLACE – so this never happens to you again!! Esp w/her let alone anyone else. What boundaries you ask??? lol
SELF-EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW GO FIND ALL THAT….AND THEN FIND A PARTNER WHO TREATS YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE…..Not having to pull her teeth and outline for her the way she should be…but enjoying the way she treats you everyday (or 99% of the time – cuz gotta remember PMS too)~
Oxy and Learnthelesson–
thank you soooooo very much. I am grabbing on to your rope–
I saw a new psychiatrist on MOnday. He has put me on 40 mgs of Prozac. He wants to see me again this MOnday.
Did you all just think you would never “get over”, “stop missing and long for” your ex? Thatis what is so sick and messed up.
He did not strangle me.. He told me to get on floor. He put hi foot on my chest and yelled, “Whose fault is it that this relationship is over?” He would take his foot off to let me answer. If I did not say “It’s my fault”– then he would push on his foot so as to stop my breathing again.
but he had never, ever done anything like that before. I keep thinking it was the trauma of the breakup. so that is was my fault.
I am going to focus on what you said LTL– about the good and the bad.
Love you guys–
Meg – I am thinking of you and sending you love.Please hang on. listen to LTL and Ox-Drover and know that there are people all over the world(like me through here) who are thinking of you right now and care about what happens to you.
I dont know if you have read any of my posts, but I recently got help with my depression through my GP…cant tell if its working to full power yet but I know that I would not be able to cope with whats going on (and I am not coping brilliantly) without taking that first step to getting healthier physically.
How can you possibly work through all of this horrible stuff when you are mentally frazzled and exhausted?xxx
I also wanted to say that if you need to rest then REST.You have been through a trauma you are ALLOWED to rest and recover if that is what your body is telling you you need right now.xxxx xxx
Hi everyone,
I have been away for a couple of days and have been dealing with a lot. I found out that there had been a hearing regarding the house and property that Ken has allowed to go into foreclosure, and it now going to be sold at an auction on May 26. I wasn’t notified of the hearing because it was “posted”. On top of that, I have to go to a mediation on the 12th. When I told my worthless attorneys’s secretary that I saw no need in going because there was nothing to mediate, she informed me that it was a court order and that if I didn’t attend, I would be held in “contempt”. I am so frustrated by the legal system. Everything that I have worked so hard for is vanishing before my eyes. Ken doesn’t benefit, except for the satisfaction that he feels when he sees me, his victim, being destroyed more and more. I will not be kept “on the back burner”. I will get the divorce as soon as possible and will never have any contact with him again.
You know, it is funny, I have had very little contact with him since I left him last June, but he consumes my thoughts. Sometimes I allow myself to miss him, and then I think about all of the horrible things that he said and did to me, and I can’t believe that I would even entertain thoughts of being with him, or wishing that we could be the way we were in the beginning. I know that he isn’t the man I thought he was. I know that he is a sociopath, a pathological liar, a monster.
I also know that I will never allow myself to be duped by him again, so why can’t I stop thinking about him?
I am terrified of the mediation, because I will be in the same building with him and may possibly see him in a week. I have not seen him since I left him. I live four hours away from him and that has made it easier.
I am angry at him, the attorney, the legal system and mostly at myself. Angry at myself for falling for this piece of human garbage who all but destroyed me and did destroy me financially.
He would tell me about he ex wife (his last one) and then he would draw things out of me about my ex and an ex boyfriend who had both hurt me deeply. He stored all of the information that he gathered and did the same hurtful things that they did, only it hurt me more because we had just married and purchased a home. I could see what he was doing and felt totally helpless.
I wish that I can someday erase him from my mind and move on. Move on in a much wiser, more cautious way.
Blueskies—–
“smiling at me. …
nothing, but blueskies— do I see (And Oxy and Learnthe lesson)”
those were words from a song.
thank you blueskies
I hear ya LTL, again, a pillar of wisdom you are. I found myself thinking today that maybe I could save her from herself. maybe I could help her to not mess up something good (meaning me)…but then I was kinda like what’s the point. The amount of effort I’ve put in in the past month is 1000 times what she’s put in. If she had any interest in me all she had to do was pick up the phone or type a few words. Sometimes I think I can penetrate her wall and tell her that I thought I was different. That maybe she ran away because I loved her too much and she thrives on chaos instead of normalcy and stability. Perhaps its a product of her upbringing, perhaps she is afraid to give too much of herself for fear of getting hurt. BUt I try to remind myself that she is what she is and she is 32 so shes been this way for a long time and seemingly hasnt learned from any of her past experiences. What she did to me by simply going NC for no reason is beyond immature and childish. I read something about them being emotionally stunted although putting forth the appearance of having their shit together and this would line up with that perfectly. My problem is that I’m stubborn, I’m a fighter and I dont give up easily on something that I want, although lately I realize that I shouldnt want her at all and that has helped restrain me from emailing her further.
Ive found myself wondering recently if it is her or if it is the idea of her. The idea of having someone there that I do (or did) love, someone to share my life with and the stability that comes with all of that. Or what I knew it to be prior to all of this happening. Ive been searching deep inside myself to figure that one out.
akitameg,
It is simply NOT THAT HARD to treat people decently. There is NO excuse for what he did. Even if there is one (for instance a brain tumor or something), that doesn’t make the action right. It is wrong. And I get you anything, that if a cop had been standing right there, he would NOT have done that. It was wrong and he knows it.
A big break through for me in therapy was the day I realized, okay, maybe this guy is all goofed up and really can’t help the way he acts. It still does not mean *I* have to be the one who stands there and is his punching bag!
He will NEVER change. You didn’t make him the way he is and you can’t fix him. NEVER. If you stay with him it will eventually kill you, or make you completely miserable. And for what? You get one time round, as far as I know, on this Earth. I hope you can get your Akita back and love, love. love that dog. That will help you heal.
Yes, for awhile I longed for him. Thought I would never get over it. Same way my husband felt about his mistress…alcohol. We both were going to poison…we both missed our poison…until we finally woke up!
I’ll be cheering for you! Go easy on yourself. This is much worse than a physical rape. Be gentle on you.