Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Elizabeth,
Exactly!
Extrovert=socializing recharges the batteries.
Introvert=solitude recharges the batteries.
Yes, like you, I have a universal love for humanity but they can wear me out! And I’m an emotionally and intellectually deep, intense, passionate gal (just like ALL the awesome peeps on LF) ta boot so…too much gabbing and soul sharing eventually turns me into a zombie and I almost flee to my humble, peaceful, modest abode!
I love people and I feel immense compassion and concern for them, but I can only take socializing in small increments. We are who we are. It’s our innate nature.
I consider it ironic in that for many years I suffered terrible loneliness yet I preferred solitude, being alone. Why was an introvert like me so lonely? I was scratching my head in confusion constantly.
Now that I’m 100% accepting of who I am, diggin and liking me, I’m no longer lonely.
Of course, we’re never really alone are we? Not with the Triune God with us 24/7. 🙂
——————————————————————
“I am trying to be assertive, but I want to be reasonably forgiving of unintended slights as well. I hope I can find a balance.”
People make mistakes. We all say and do things sometimes without spending the time contemplating the consequences to another’s feelings.
I know that when I consider what I’ve said or done to be harmful, even if I didn’t intend to harm, I am immediately sincerely apologetic. I will do everything that I can to repair the damage I have caused, not only for the other person but for me.
I don’t want to be a mean, spiteful gal so I strive to be consciously aware, utilizing foresight when I can, so I behave myself.
Folks who say or do cruel things and who do NOT seek to earn your forgiveness, folks who do NOT even give a fig if they hurt you, are the ones I quickly distance myself from because I cannot and will not accept such blatant disregard for me. No way!
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe in redemption, that people can change if they are willing. But without remorse, without empathy for others it’s impossible to develop loving, reciprocal relationships.
Hey, most of the time I’m completely satisfied with basic civility. That’s it. Nothing more and nothing less.
Usedabused –
I went for and received a judgment in my favor against him. Its good in the sense that it goes on his credit report and he cant purchase real estate, etc. til its paid off.
But other than that – it took me an additional two years to even begin to collect on it. And its not because I have a legal document saying he is responsible to pay the money…its because I tracked him down and told him I was going to get it via his wages/or sheriffs sale if he didnt send me payments every two weeks. (I twisted it up a bit because THAT can only be done with landlord/tenant judgments..(but he didnt know that) all other judgments are at the mercy of the creeps who owe on them. AND they have to be renewed every five years or the creeps walk….
Its a nightmare. Just like Kicktocurb said…where is the justice?
I can only think the justice is we have the choice to learn and grow and move on to incredible heights and places in life where they will never be with their stolen money and collection of shattered lives left behind and dismal empty days filled ahead in someones bed and bank account with not once ounce of real true honest love or friend in their life.
LTL – good point, I’ll heed your implicit advice not to bother. I can make some of it back in the time it would take to litigate, and there is another big creditor in line — the United States.
Kicked –
We must have been writing at the same time, did not see your post when I was writing mine. This is exactly what happened to me!
“In fact, he was going to the U.S. to be with his wife! The same wife whom he had told me had had their marriage annulled about 3 years ago. Apparently, the whole time he was LIVING OFF ME, he was just waiting for his visa to head to America.”
He told me it was over with Jane, and she had moved home. Then he worked me into supporting him and about a month into it, was back on the phone with her too, trying to get her back. Talking to both of us 5 times a day, hanging up when the other called in. Then he got Jane so P’O’d she called me.
So I did what Erin did, we (me and Jane) had a master plan. He was traveling to both of our cities in my car, that he’d promised to pay on but never did. She left him a message like she might see him en route and I pretended like nothing was wrong, could not wait to see him.
As usual, he tried to put off sex. Had friends with him would be busy his first two days here. But I pushed, acted my old needy self. I was honestly afraid he would put off seeing me until he suddenly had some urgent reason to get back, that’s how bad we’d been getting along just before he rolled out here to make my dreams come true.
Then, hee hee, went to the hotel they were staying at, picked up the car, drove it away, put their stuff in my friend’s car and left it with the concierge.
Then the calls and messages started, it wasn’t about the car, he just wanted to spend the night with me (which he had resisted earlier), I was “wrong about us,” he was planning to stay even longer than I thought (this turned out to be true but whether or not I was to be included is an open question); he was “sick” (should have texted back “just like before?” but I didn’t. At one point, he almost had me agreeing to let him keep the car for the weekend but my friend grabbed the phone.
His “job” was to make sure I got the vehicle and got out of there without getting sucked back in. He did it well.
Oh…when I said up above that I turn into a zombie after too much socializing, verbal word play, I really just sort of mentally and physically shut down.
Like a zombie, I tend to then have one particular thought in my head: need….solitude…NOW!
I don’t have an all consuming desire to eat their brains, or to gnaw on their extremities.
I’m a vegetarian and that also includes the non-eating of human beings.
😉
Jane –
Everyone is saying to let it go, but I find that reading the posts here is not gnawing at his extremities. It’s helping me see that he was not anyone special, there are millions of that ilk.
Maybe I am over-doing it, it’s been 2 hours and I have a lot to do.
Thanks!
usedabused:
“I’ve heard there is a way to take a non-business bad debt off on taxes. Is it worth dealing with him to get a judgment? I have an email where he agreed to pay back the $30,000 and a verbal agreement on the 2nd $25,000.
He said I could 1099 him, and he’s made reports that he was working for me but he really wasn’t. He gave me advice, made a call (in fact got one large bill knocked off, a mistake in an order), but I don’t think it’s enough to justify a 1099.”
You’ve beaten me to the punch. I’ve been writing an article on how I went after my S via the US tax code. For starters, you don’t necessarily have to take the SOB to court. Also you don’t file a straight 1099. At least as far as the 30K is involved. The 25K presents a different issue since that is an oral agreement.
What you’re looking at is a 1099-C for cancellation of debt. The cleanest way to do this is to get him to sign a loan note and agreement and get it notarized. To make it look like a real loan and not a gift you have to charge a minimum of 6 percent inter.est. Then send a few obligatory collection letters. When he doesn’t pay, you declare the debt cancelled and file a 1099-C against him.
However, I knew there was no way S was going to sign anything, so I had to flush him out toprove that I had made him loans and not gifts. Basically, I sent him a letter stating: (i) these were the loans I made you on the following dates and (ii) the repayment terms. He ignored it, and I sent a few more letters which upped the heat. The fool responded in a nasty, nasty letter in which he (i) acknowledged the debt and (ii) stated he had no intention of paying.
Since I had his social security number, I then could file a 1099-C which gave me the tax loss, and, this is sweet, got it all attributed to him as income.
In your shoes, I’d first send a certified letter stating: (i) I made you loans of 30K and 25K on the following dates; (ii) my repayment terms are X payments over Y months at an interest rate of Z (at least 6) percent, the first payment due one the 1st of Month/year; and (iii) if you do not make the first or other payment within 10 days of the due date, the loan will be accelerated and immediately due and payable and I will avail myself of whatever legal or equitable remedies I deem necessary.
One other thing, before you file a 1099-C, put security freezes on all your credit reports. In order to file a 1099-C you not only have to have HIS social security number, you have to put your’s on the 1099-C. How, in this day or identity theft the IRS is still so stupid to have us use our social security numbes as tax identification numbers is beyond me. But, I locked down all my credit reports to make sure he didn’t go out and take out credit cards in “my” name.
Thanks so much, Matt!
I’ve copied to paste and do. Should I wait awhile, let things cool? I’m only NC about a month.
Do have true credit but don’t know how to freeze my reports. I’ve asked an assistant to check into having my social changed. Not just him, I had another while he left me and a gal I’m having problems with. In fact, today I need to tell unemployment why I severed the contract, because she brought a guy in who stole some check. And a dog got killed and another stolen.
Thanks so much.
usedabused:
You have to handle all this through certified mail or FEDEX so you have a track record. Don’t handle any of this via the phone. Make it clear in your letter to him that all communication with you regarding these loans is to be sent via certified mail. NO PHONE CALLS. This should help solve the NC problem.
Also, the letter to him is to be strictly business. If he responds about anything except the loans, you don’t respond to those issues. I wouldn’t let this run too long, since if you do have to take him to court, you could be hitting statute of limitation issues.
Freezing your credit reports is easy. Go to Experian, Equifax and Transunion’s websites and look up “security freeze”. You don’t want the 90 day credit fraud alert. YOu want the security freeze whereby they give you a password and your credit history can only be opened upon your contacting them with the password and your telling them exactly who is allowed access to your credit information and for how long (a week to 30 days max).
I took psychology classes in college, but we NEVER covered personality disorders.
I think this illness should be MANDATORY in high school/college psychology classes.
If I would have been educated about psychopaths/narcissists in school, I would have seen the red flags when I got out into the real world. I would have never gotten involved as deeply as I did.
Psychology classes should be teaching us something we can utilize in our daily lives. Who cares about the Sigmund Freud crap?
This is something we need to get into our childrens’ curriculum at school.
And I am not buying the “4% of the population is sociopaths” statistic. I think it is more like double or even triple that number.
Usedabused,
Darling…who’s telling you to let it go? I consider such advise to be presumptuous, to say the least.
Your life is your life. You do what you want with it, without folks trying to dictate to you what you should do.
Who is anyone, flawed as all human beings are, to boss you around?!
They have no right, nor do they have the infinite wisdom, patience, nor perfection to do so.
You seek knowledge to educate yourself on the prevalence, malevolence of humanoid predators.
I bet you also seek other beautiful souls who can completely understand, empathize, and validate your heartbreaking, horrifying experiences.
They’re here, on LF, listening and helping and guiding you through your own healing, recovery and restoration process.
Only you can decide when, where, how you work to heal yourself.
Only you can make a firm, conscious choice, decision to truly seek a better life for yourself.
To learn and believe in the fundamental truth of yourself, that you’re a wonderful, good, decent, loving woman and you DESERVE to have love, decency, respect and compassion in your life as you give the same to others.
Ignore propaganda. Ignore the unsolicited advise of others telling you to….”get over it” or “let it go”….
You will….in your own sweet time. When you’re ready and not one minute before!
Take care, sweety.