Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
Matt & Jane –
Thank you both so much. You are right Matt on the SOL, but I have an email that he did in late 2007 so I’m OK on that, though the funds were spend years earlier.
Jane, that was a warm wonderful post, thank you.
Need some help here. I have an unemployment issue with the S gal, my ex assistance, spotted by the S (they always can) but not me. I’m going through phone records to show that she worked her own schedule, maybe I don’t need to have enough with the theft of checks.
But it’s the time of the reconciliation, I’m seeing his number coming up over and over and getting sad. I ended her contract (she was never an employee), about 6 weeks into the reconcile, so to get her phone records for that time, I’ve got to see his too.
Help!
In fact, he was deeply immersed in the breakdown of that relationship, very supportive, so having to go back over it is killing me. But unemployment wants $15,000 if I don’t show good cause for the severance.
And there was. She brought a guy over who stole 3 checks and cashed them. Matt, this is a bit more serious than I can even say here, I don’t want to disclose my profession (Jane knows I’m on here and they are probably back together), so let’s just say it was an account dedicated to customer advance payments, OK? Luckily the bank stopped payment and no customer funds got stolen.
I’m bagging the phone records, it’s too upsetting and I can’t sort by number. Would help, shows that we spoke at all times of the day, she was not in the office.
Jane –
I’m sorry I did not respond in more detail to your beautiful post, it is worthy of an article. I’m just having a real hard time here with this unemployment problems, the memories of everything are bashing in.
You seek knowledge to educate yourself on the prevalence, malevolence of humanoid predators.
YES! I’ve hooked up with three over the past few years, one a woman, she did work for me. I need to get a Red Flag, and I’m curious as to how they can easily spot each other but get right past us.
And I do get a lot of strength from the LF family, the only ones who understand, when everyone else just says “let it go”. It is callous and presumptuous. Just like recovering addicts and alcoholics can help those new to recovery, we are helping each other.
What helps me the most is seeing the similarities, that mine was not at all special. I too, like Akitameg on the other thread, loved mine like nobody else on earth. Sometimes I just want to email him that when he looks to the west there’s a woman out there [doing something] who once thought the world of him, and is probably thinking about him even still. But why give him that?
Dear friends,
Thank you for all of your letters of hope aand advice. I am glad that you are here. This is such a difficult time. I am barely making it financially because of my ex and soon to be ex.
Just today I learned that I have until Monday to submit documents that I don’t have to try to save my home. Ken said that he would sign the deed over to me if I have my attorney remove the demands from the divorce documents.
He also said that he was in no hurry to get divorced and that this way I could still have health insurance. This is strange indeed because he couldn’t wait to be divorced and free of me before. I don’t trust him. My attorney is out of town and can’t help me. I must say that I haven’t had much help from my attorney. I have consulted with others and they are all the same.
I forgot to mention that while we were together, not only was he emailing his ex girlfriend, he was seeing other women and was on child porn sites as well as adult friend finders.
Erin, I know what you mean about the insults. Ken was always saying horrible things to me about my body, which was just fine before we married. He insulted me in every way possible. The last night that I was with him, he showed me some pictures of some work he was doing on the internet, then a picture popped up of a beautiful, young nude woman, and he said “this is what I want”. The next picture was a shriveled up very old nude woman who looked like a cadaver with draping skin. He said, “and this is what I am stuck with”.
He would do this sort of thing often towards the end.
He was a regular “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde”.
The morning that I fled, he told me that “the only thing I hate more that a stupid f—ing n word, is a stupid f—ing woman!”
He looked at me with such utter hatred, I would say a murderous look, that when he left for work I became hysterical. I called my attorney, my private investigator and my family and got my clothes and fled.
I found out that I am one of several wives, and that he has had affairs with many women at the same time often at the same place of employment. He liked the thrill of trying to keep them from finding out about each other. He always buys the same perfume for his victims. Once a woman falls for him and he uses her up for whatever he is after, he unceremoniously dumps her.
Why are there creatures like this on this earth, and how did I get involved with two in a row?
Thank you all for all of your support and for giving me a chance to vent.
Janet
Jfog1-
Wow! Your story is so awful and echoes my own as it does so many LF folks. When I absconded the first time, when he was with Jane, after a pretty decent last day together he blew up over a money issue and left with a murderous face. I had to cut him off later over the phone, he’d convinced me to leave a business association in place. This last time, he was all sweet, how sick he was, it was all about us, but I’d already talked to the OW, been here, talked to Donna, and had a great friend along to keep me from caving.
He asked the OW to die her hair the same color as mine and asked her to get the same tattoo that I did. I’m treating it, it’s coming off though much too slowly for me.
He called me grandma, his financier, always joked about all the stuff he wanted me to buy him. Even after I told him that it hurt me to make me feel like it was about money, cause it was.
Anyone else conned enough to get a tattoo? There’s an excellent at home treatment, works better than laser.
Usedabused,
There’s no need to apologize to me for anything. I don’t necessarily expect responses to my comments. Just sharing with any who would wish to read what I’m writing.
I’m so far beyond the “killer spell” that Lovefraud predators cast upon their innocent, vulnerable victims in regards to my romantic involvments with them.
I’m done with them and once you thoroughly educate yourself about them, learn all their predictable behaviors, maneuvors and then begin to realize your own reasons as to why you were susceptible, naive to such ruthless predation…there ain’t no going back, sweetheart.
Only forward to a life of light, love and tranquility. IF that’s genuinely what you desire for yourself. And I’m bettin that it is.
Healing from devastating heartbreak, blatant cruelty and disregard, absolute betrayal takes heaps of time for all of us.
Some more time others less time, but we all heal within an unlimited, unspecified time frame. It’s up to you to heal youself but, of course, sharing with others and having them share with you DOES seem to speed the process up a bit.
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I’m going to repost a boundary list (my daily mantra) I created and submitted here a while back. I think it’s simple, practical and logical and may provide some guidance to you and others who truly want to be liberated from the parasites/predators of the world:
I REFUSE to allow anyone to abuse me in any way, shape, or form ever again!
I REFUSE to shut my mouth and squelch my fury when confronted with abuse, for me and others!
I REFUSE to sacrifice my own individual identity, my thoughts, my ideas/ideals, my opinions, my beliefs in a foolish effort to placate, pacify another human being!
I REFUSE to listen to any thinly veiled criticism, and/or unsolicited advice from any person ever again. I will ignore and walk away!
I REFUSE to accept responsibility for another person’s screw-ups, mentally damaged words, actions, and behaviors. Not my problem, it’s THEIRS!
I REFUSE to tolerate immature, insecure, self-absorbed, pity-party whining by anyone ever again!
I REFUSE to dismiss the warning signs my beloved intuition protectively sends to me in a dire or future dire situation. It could literally save my life!
usedabused,
Mine gave all of his victims Coco Madameselle perfume so that they would all smell the same. He coaxed us into wearing our hair same length and color. He liked plump women and I am slender so he tried to fatten me up. When I wouldn’t eat junk food, he became upset. We all had to fit a mold, yet it didn’t matter because we would all be discarded when he was through with us.
JaneSmith,
Thank you for posting your boundry list. I will read it every day and try to gain strength from it.
My ex still is controlling and abusive even though we have been divorced for two years. We have two sons. One is graduating from college next week and going to Emory this fall for graduate school, and the other is graduating from the School for the Arts a the end of the month and going to Berklee College of Music in the fall. Both received scholarships. They are the bright spots in my life. But I have had to have contact with their father regarding expenses and he never gave me the money that he was supposed to after our house sold. Again, another legal hassle. He also makes a big salary. He used cocaine and cheated on me. He also was a porn addict. How could I be so lucky? We were married for 24 years and what finally pushed me into divorcing him was when he started being emotionally abusive to our youngest son. I will read that list!
Thank you for letting me share my stories with you and for sharing yours.
Janet
LearntheLesson wrote….
“A person who learned a lot about life through trial and tribulations with healthy and unhealthy people”a person who recognizes her strengths and weaknesses”a person who will continue to make mistakes and learn”but a person who will avoid toxic people esp. in relationships by being aware of the red flags and acting on them”a person who will never lend money to anyone without accepting that if I do I dont expect it back”a person who knows it was not my fault – he lives his life making bad choices, bringing people down, stealing, lying, cheating etc. – and finally a person who knows I had to change my way of life my unhealthy view of life (in the sense that everyone came before me and everyone is honest and true and good) and I had to mature and grow up and live and learn about life to the best of my ability”balancing my happiness with others who share the same views and values and SHOW IT BY THIER ACTIONS”not just words.”
I just HAD to repost what you had written because it is AWESOME!….Woot!
So many brilliant, lovely people on this incredible website. Blows my mind every day. And that’s a GOOD thang….haha.
Jane: I agree with you about the post LTL wrote! I copied and pasted it to my journal.
LTL: Thank you so very much for the eloquent words. Felt like I was reading about myself.