Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha” about the coldest man she’s ever known.
I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiance was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:
When I met my ex-fiance, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.
He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.
Moving in with him
He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.
I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.
Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.
During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.
The marriage proposal
After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.
This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.
He wanted silence
Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — it’s not love, it’s love fraud
It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.
He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection — kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.
I made excuses
I always would make excuses for him and say to myself — He’s just going through a lot right now —or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.
Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.
He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.
I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.
Charmed again
After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course. I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.
I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place — He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life — he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.
After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.
I would have never been happy
At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules — he clearly was a sociopath.
What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.
I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.
Please learn from my lesson.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 30, 2009.
To escape a sociopath, trust your perceptions
I loved LTL’s post there too, words of wisdom for us all.
Jane, you are so strong, how do I get there? Boundaries. Maybe on another thread I was so very proud that I was paying a gal, an old and very wealthy woman back $5G that I borrowed during the S debacle. Did it on Tuesday. She would never have bothered me, has millions, but it wasn’t right.
Yesterday she calls me and tells me I should switch political parties! Won’t get into who’s who, doesn’t matter, but what a nerve. When I wouldn’t “listen” she said “Goodbye” and hung up on me.
That was an invasion of boundaries. Unsolicited advice from a woman I let my mortgage and vehicle payment slide on to pay back. NO MORE.
Janet – You are blessed with good sons. With so many of my friends with kids either in rehab or barely making the rent on their trailers, I’m glad I never had any. You must be incredible to raise such great kids with an S Dad. KUDO’s to you!
One other funny thing on the “look-alike” obsession. Jane asked me at some point, “aren’t you thin?” I said yes, size 8 at 5’8 and was a 6. I’m so thin that I don’t need to shop, everyone (including my housekeeper — what a role reversal) gives me their “thin clothes” when they put on weight. Haven’t shopped in years.
She said she was short, was a “fatass”. During one of my jealous rants I had used the same term, told him something like if he wanted to leave me for that “fatass” again I was taking the car. He said she wasn’t a “fatass”, but now I wonder.
Did he call her a fatass to get her thin like me? Odd that the exact term was repeated by her.
She’s not a “fatass” she’s a lovely and intelligent woman who was dealt some tough blows in life and should have gotten on this site. But she thought her new love could pull her through and did not need it.
Yes, LTL, leave it alone. Not my problem.
My problem is the Matt letter. I saw my friend who helped with the repo and he said he was available to help for another week or so, on a mutual project. Maybe he should write it? But then the S will just think it was all about another guy.
Why am I dreading writing that letter? Matt gave me good, sound advice. I need to heed it. I just hate breaking NC.
When my “S” entered into my life on that, what I now refer to as, DREADFUL night, I was at a major turning point in my life also. But, knowing the things that I know about myself now, no matter what the time, any “S” would have swept me off my feet. However, I had just made a major career change and was in the midst of getting a divorce.
From the beginning, the “S”s plan was just to use me for sex and money. GOD, how I wish I hadn’t been so gullible. I am not a stupid woman with regard to other aspects of my life. At first, upon realizing the truth, I was mortified. Now, thanks to all of you, I understand that I was targeted.
So, I was duped! Our “relationship” went along very well for two years. He was loving, attentive and we did things together. Then, on Saturday, February 14th (yes, Valentines Day) he comes home from work, sits me down and proceeds to tell me “out of the blue” that he thinks he and I shouldn’t see one another any more. NOT QUITE THE VALENTINES DAY GIFT THAT I WAS EXPECTING while the one I had bought for him was all wrapped and lying on his pillow. How cold and callous was that? I wanted to vomit, I began to cry hysterically and to shake. He just sat there and watched me. Then, I got myself up and started to pack the few belongings that I kept at his apartment which is where I was preparing dinner and waiting for him to get home.
THEN, THEN, he has the gall to ask me, “Where are you going?” My mouth just dropped open as I could not fathom such an ASININE question! Finally, I said, “Why in the world would you even think that I would want to stay here with you after what you just announced to me that YOU no longer want to see ME?” I did ask right then and there if there was another woman involved and he professed, “No, there wasn’t!” which turned out to be a blatant lie! He discarded me Saturday night and by the time I had packed and left it was fairly late. I know for a fact that he did not go out on Sunday but at 7:00 a.m. Monday morning my telephone rang and it was him asking how I was and also to ask me “not to hate him but he had met another woman”!! OMG Hmmm, that was quick! I think NOT–he already had been seeing her and using MY money to wine and dine her as he sent all of his paycheck home to Nigeria to his family. That, I do know!
With embarrassment, I admit that over the next 5 years the duping continued. I WAS AN IDIOT!
Now, like I said in an earlier post, he is in America with this woman who became his wife. He has been there since December. He still calls me but he finds it difficult to do so. LOL LOL I am loving playing his game for I have not started NC yet and I have my reasons. However, when he called me a couple of days after Valentines Day this year, the salt he rubbed into my wounds did sting! He callously asked me, “So, how was YOUR Valentines Day?” He knows that I am alone–he thinks pining for him–but , right now, I am not at a point where I WANT anyone NEAR ME!
My NC will start very soon and he won’t know what hit him. I do know that he WILL wonder where I am and WHY I am not picking up my phone. He WILL wonder but I also know it will only be for a little while. Then, he will have more time to be attentive to the new women in his life–the ones I am sure he has made friends with since arriving in America in December. He works fast!
Matt talked about “leverage” and threatening to expose them. I am going to try and recoup the money I lost to him just last year. I probably won’t see a cent, but he lives in fear of what I know. That is why when I discovered that he was going to America and had lied to me his first reaction was, “What are you going to do?” I could have did him in then but my life is more valuable AND it is not in my nature to harm other people. Duh!!! The same blasted character traits that got me into this mess in the first place!!
I did read somewhere on this blog that sometimes an “S” slips up and brings about their own demise. I now know that I was his Plan B girl but he also has his wife and a Plan C and D girl, too. He had better pray that we don’t all get together one day. I remember how he cut off all ties with everyone. We became a very “seclusive” couple.
He really should have gone into acting. The night before he left, he put on a really good show. He blubbered and cried like a baby telling me how he hated to leave me (yeah, in case someone else filled his shoes–not that he really cared about losing ME just the $) and he was SO upset. Everything that ever came out of his mouth concerning US was pure Bull****!!
Oh, I still have my moments of uncontrollable crying but they are getting fewer and far between. Once again, thanks for lending me your ears and shoulders.
I’m blessed to have found this blog and all of you 🙂
Elizabeth Conley,
“All I wish to convey is that it’s normal to have dry spells in a HEALTHY relationship. Suspecting infidelity or whining of neglect only ramps up the stress for an already anxious partner. Let’s not let our S/P/N encounters ruin us for life.”
Yes and I can agree with this 100%. Normal relationships have dry periods or no sex at all because of many factors. But what’s also so different about this is how when people really love each other they are willing to work through it. If my wife (that is if I ever marry again) have cancer and our sex live would slow down or stop completely this doesn’t allow me the option to found another sex partner. Whenever I say “for better or worst” I mean that and should live by it. This would be a time when she needs me the most! I need food to eat and water to eat to live but I don’t need “sex” to survive. But I believe for s/p they do need sex to feel alive to feel like they exist as well as to deal with their abandonment and anxiety issues. We know love is in our heads not in our hearts and we also know that s/p brains work differently then ours. So it only makes sense that sex and love would also be corrupt and not felt on the same level as us. Therefore sex will be used as a form of control and manipulation again something which would come naturally (more or less) to them.
I started (almost finished) reading the book:
I HATE YOU-don’t leave me by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. & Hal Straus.
First allow me to say this book must be a best reader because this copy gave from the library falling apart…
Anyway, one part of the book explain how to communicate to a BP called SET. This was developed by the staff of the Comprehensive Treatment Unit of Saint John’s Mercy Medical Center in St. Louis.
“SET”-Support Empathy Truth-is a three-part system of communication. During confrontations of destructive behavior, important decision-making sessions, or other crises, interactions with the borderline should invoke all three of these elements.
The “S” stage of this system, “Support,” invokes a personal statement of concern. “I am sincerely worried about how you are feeling” is an example of a Support statement. The emphasis is on the speaker’s own feelings and is essentially a personal pledge to try to be of help.
With the “Empathy” segment, one attempts to acknowledge the borderline’s chaotic feelings: “How awful you must be feeling…..” It is important not to confuse Empathy with sympathy (“I feel sorry for you….”), which may elicit rage over perceived condescension. Also, Empathy should be expressed in a neutral way with minimal personal reference to the speaker’s own feelings. The emphasis here is on the borderline’s painful experience, not the speaker’s. A statement like “I know just how bad you are feeling” invites a mocking rejoinder that, indeed, you do not know, and only aggravates conflict.
The “T” statement, representing “Truth” or reality, emphasizes that the borderline is ultimately responsible for his/her life and that others’ attempts to help cannot preempt this primary responsibility. While Support and Empathy are subjective statements acknowledging how the principals feel, Truth statements show recognition that a problem exists and address the practical issue of what can be done to solve it. “Well, what are you doing to do about it?” is one essential Truth response. Other characteristic Truth expressions refer to actions that the speaker feels compelled to take in response to the borderline’s behaviors, which should be expressed in a matter-of-fact, neutral fashion (“Here’s what happened… These are the consequences… This is what I can do… What are you going to do?…”) But they should be stated in a way that avoids blaming and sadistic punishing (“This is a fine mess you gotten us into!”). The Truth part of the “SET” system is the most important and the most difficult for the borderline to accept since so much of his world excludes or rejects realistic consequences.
Communication with the borderline should attempt to include all three messages. However, even if all three parts are stated, the borderline may not integrate all of them. Predictable responses result when one of these levels is either not clearly stated or is not “heard”.
The writer goes on to state that we can use the “SET” system whenever we are dealing with a relationship in crisis and/or if we are dealing with a person who we wish to help but not allow them to use us by emotional “blackmail”. I for one believe I can use it in my personal life and will start doing so. The “SET” system was developed for BP but can be used for others we care about and want to help. Will the “SET” system worked on sociopathic people? No, because one element of the system is truth. Something some of those that suffer from personality disorders have the biggest problem with, Truth. So those who are NPD and/or ASPD would have a very hard time hearing the full statements.
Okay, I got my typing in for the day! Hope all enjoy the sunshine and have a great day! 🙂
Sociopaths don’t have empathy for others. I think that they enjoy the power that they have over us, the ability to cause pain and to make us cry. Ken glared at me while I cried after he told me that he wanted a divorce. Speaking of Valentine’s Day, Ken brought me a teddy bear with a Ken pin on it and behind the pin was my engagement ring. Guess what? the bear was a gift to him from his last ex wife and the ring was more than likely one that he bought for someone else. I forgot to mention that he stole jewelry from me to give to other women. My oldest son had been to an Indian Reservationin New Mexico and bought me some handmade turquoise jewelry. Ken knew how much that meant to me and one day it all vanished. He even pretended to help look for it. I learned from one of his ex girlfriends about his behaviors. When I was upset about my jewelry disappearing, he just stared at me. There was no sympathy.
Can anyone give a possible explanation as to why he suddenly wants to prolong the separation indefinitely?
You are right, James about sex being a way to control and manipulate us. They love watching us being destroyed bit by bit.
Janet
Rosa
“And I am not buying the “4% of the population is sociopaths” statistic. I think it is more like double or even triple that number.”
I am with you on that statement. I see it happening in our daily lives albeit it personal or business. This whole recession (depression?) was been label as much. The collapse of the housing issue is based on “greed” and those writing bad loans to people who they knew could never afford to pay for those loans. I just hope that after the dust settles (if that ever gotten happen?) we now hold those responsible for bad business practice liable and then make them pay for their own mistakes instead of all this “bailout money” being put on the American people and our children shoulders.
“Can anyone give a possible explanation as to why he suddenly wants to prolong the separation indefinitely?”
Well I sure they have many reasons, but really it won’t be “indefinitely” because it will be until they are really for it not you. Also because they see us as a supply, they like any drug addict won’t let go of one supply until another one is firmly in place. Anyway again it won’t be “indefinitely” again this is about control and as long as they have the upper hand why change anything? Not until you become “useless” and uncompromising will this person end it and ever then you are more likely put on the back burner until they once again think they can get something out of you.
okay..need some help here this morning.
I posted yesterday and was feeling good. Lastnight and today not so good. I recently went against the NC rule and Im struggling here. I did it for the sole purpose of my son so I could start documenting the “lack of concern” he has for him. I am struggling in the sense that Im not sure how to deal with him. I have the ability to check his messages and he ha saved the messges I left for him. 1. informing him of me not lowering the support and not being pitted against his wife 2. to tell him he can call his son on such and such number 3. letting him know how happy his son was to hear from him”.
can anyone tell me why he would keep these??? they are of no value as far as information goes..nothing to be saved for..am I wrong here??? Im freakin out a bit as he will be back in this state and at his moms house next week in which there has been a “vague” mention of seeing his son”I so do not want my son to be used..today I am feeling so angry..as I did speak to some of his friends and they are falling for his BS and it kills me..as before they did not like and saw him for what he was doing..now all of a sudden..its a poor him..he cant find a job in this economy..he is losing his house”his wife is a bitch and the Im going after him for support..I just want to SCREAM and run away and never deal with him..but I have to for now beacuse of my son”I want to tell everyone what a worthless piece of crap he is..but I know it will only make me look crazy but honestly I feel crazy..please help me”its a matter of days before he is here again and I dont want this..tell me what to do and again why would he save those messages????
“ever then you are more likely put on the back burner until they once again think they can get something out of you.”
even then….
Really wished we had a way to edit our posts.. 🙁
endthepain
Let’s take these messages one by one:
1. informing him of me not lowering the support and not being pitted against his wife
Only the courts can lower or suspend “child support” but you do have the right to voice and excise your right to this support.
2. to tell him he can call his son on such and such number
Children need a stable and structure in their lives so I can’t see this as a problem. But I too ask my ex to call on some type of timetable so that I could make sure our children were home when she did call (this was before total NC) but she either won’t or couldn’t do to this. My ex used the phone like a weapon and would call whenever she felt like it.
3. letting him know how happy his son was to hear from him”.
I for one can’t see this as a problem in any shape or form?
But by getting into his messages might not be the best thing for you. Not sure but unless he gave you permission he might be able to use that against you.
Not sure how old you son is but until (they are teenagers) my children and I agreed to total CNC (complete no contact) my ex made sure we stayed on her emotional roller coaster as long as possible. I understand that having children in their tender years this just isn’t possible. Having children with these people brings with it “ties the bind” which explains why they want to have children so quickly in a relationship. Our own children become a form of control they will use over us also these same children become sources of supply for them. Having children with sociopaths to me in many ways is like playing Russian roulette a game I for one don’t enjoy.
Oh, “I just want to SCREAM and run away and never deal with him.”
Yes, I too felt and have done just that many times before we went CNC so all I can say is that my heart goes out for your son and you…
Good luck!