UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Kim, Skylar, would you be willing to share the link you spoke of above, Skylar? Or is it somewhere on this forum and I can’t see it…
Thx
StillReeling, I have missed a BUNCH of posts recently, and it sounds as if you’re in a tough patch. This is the place to vent and rant.
No need to recap, StillReeling – just know that you are in my positive thoughts. Hugs to you.
Still reeling, I think we were made from the same mold..honestly…from our mothers, husband and daughter…from being our own worst enemy and wanting to change so much but seem to sabatoge ourselves repeatedly with the same cycle of self-condemnation…. I didnt want to get married either and told him but I had no identity, no self-confidence and believed that I was incapable of taking care of myself (security) and today I am still working on knowing who I am, finding my identity and I can say, it is developing.
I hope for you to be able to laugh again and to have joy and peace in your daily life…Just in your post alone, you have provided these to me:) …
Regarding my statement about “sin brings us to grace”..I think that we are all natural born sinners and we cant live in the depths of sin, that we break and cry out for healing and help and we cry out to God..and we do this repeatedly in life as we evolve and can begin to Know Truth..but because we cry to God for help with our repeated sinning and he continues to love us, we begin to draw ourselves to Him, to peace…he shows us grace over and over regardless of our inability to immediately stop the sinning..It is his grace that creates the love in us and that we are able to give to others..we are suppose to give grace to others as He has given to us..we are suppose to love one another as we journey through this life and have our growing lessons…I’m not saying stay with a “P” to stay with him, but we can pray for God to heal his illness and then go on about our own business….I think “forgiving love” helps us to have some type of peace and ability to survive in a world that is filled with illusion or I should say disillusionment. ..I will try to find a way to convey this as I know I am not articulating this well at all..and I apologize for that…
I cant tell you enough, how you have encouraged me…that the way you express yourself is perfect and I feel as if it is me that you are talking about….it kind of tells me that, yes, I am not crazy, there is another who understands…it releases so much built up pain and a place where I might find acceptance and not just pity or a label as a coocoo…
Skylar, I think that must have been a unique experience being able to help someone like that and that they received it as she did. However, I too agree that you should use great discernment when doing this..you never really know how some people think..
Oh one more thing Still reeling,
I didnt really discuss the “P” illness with him..it was more of a calling him out because of all the cruelty he did to me…It was not the right thing to do, it was not my place to do it…I needed to be pointing the finger at my own titles and contributions to the dysfunction…I also wanted him to get it, the dysfunction..i wanted to save him from his illness, make him trust me enough so that he might see what he is and get help and then with his trust for me, now we could live happily and healthy foreverafter..i was still wanting to find a way to keep the promise he initially lured me with…the dream of happily everafter..I too, didnt have to face myself when he was the director of my life and my total obession……so know that as far as I know, there is no benefit in “discussing” their behaviors or psychodynamics..it is mere manipulation on both parts whether known or unknown…(passive aggressive or aggressive)
Alivetoday….what a brutally honest response, above. Thank you for putting it out there for EVERYone, including me.
Any attempt to discuss anything Truthful with a sociopath is like trying to catch a tornado in a jar – it will never be successful.
Awesome insight
Stillreeling,
here’s the link Kim posted yesterday. really really insightful therapist.
http://thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/04/the-neuropsychology-of-shame-and-guilt-the-sex-addicted-legacy.html
Truthspeak…I hear you – thanks for the thoughts.. I often feel like I want to shout out to all that I’m so there for ya, but I can’t read all the posts!! I think we light upon each others’ posts enough so that it’s understood…all on this blog that I’ve ever seen are people with big hearts and every so very caring…that undercurrent of support and warmth is what really matters.
Alive, I would laugh if it weren’t so unfunny. Lots of similarities in our stories. That whole cycle of getting in our own way, keeping ourselves from what we want and need, frustrating to say the least. I recall someone telling me that decades ago….”Reelin’, you get in your own way!”
Boy was she right…I had no idea what she was talking about but I surely do now. And it stuck with me so I guess I knew there was truth to it.
Gosh, I am really glad my post was helpful to you…right now my husband is standing behind me making pot (potato-don’t get excited anyone) salad, and I just noticed this big LOVE FRAUD book ad over on the right…Great! Oh well. Does you hub know about path??? I can’t recall. Mine does. Just a little. Not anything about being emotionally involved on my part but just that he existed at work.
I think I do understand about G-d’s grace, though I’ve explained my skepticism of all things religious here on the site, I think.. I surely wish I could get into it because handing it over to G-d and praying for peace would be wonderful…I think you said it very well.
I’m just glad I could be encouraging to you and that you actually told me that which in turn makes me feel good. Maybe that is tied in with G-d’s grace.
Forgiveness, I really have a problem with that when it involves people who would knowingly hurt my family or me, like my mgrs at the Fortune 500 that dumped me off in 2010. I choose not to forgive those dogs one little bit.
However, Godzilla is in a special class all alone. I can’t even relate the word forgiveness to him….it’s like forgiving a tree for falling on your house or this horrible ground cover we bought for taking over the yard year after year. To me, he is not human. Let’s put it that way and he wreaks havoc and does bad things to people for no reason.
I don’t really care about forgiving him. I just want him out of my mind and don’t want to keep thinking I’m going to run into him, he’ll see how old and ugly I’ve gotten and he’ll be SO GLAD he didn’t waste time on me….PATHETIC isn’t it?
Yes understand where you’re coming from re: calling him out on his dysfunc. I too wanted to be his savior and have him adore me and be the “only one” who understood. I laff at that now for too many reasons to list, and as you say, why bother anyway. It doesn’t make any difference.
If I “pray” at all, it’s for apathy, inner peace and to get back some well-being and to drop the fear, fear, fear of life, death, trying to find work and health insurance, just being in the now…hopefully my book will be here soon. Noticed I have a Tolle calendar and will re-read the monthly sayings he wrote…bet there are some good ones.
Take care
Skylar, thx for sharing the link…I sent it to my email and will read it. xo
Ihttp://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2009/10/theres-hole-in-my-bucketing-heart.html I thought you guys might get a chuckle out of this.
Kim, thank you for sharing that link! Interesting read!
Still reeling, good to see the progress you’re making here in discovering yourself, your spath, and your marriage. Lots of digging to do. I ended up in the arms of my spath because of my empty marriage. I have been working hard trying to figure out what to do about it. Is it empty because of ME, or empty because of WE. I dont know. Anyway, glad you’re here.
Athena