UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Can anyone tell me what kind of woman a male sociopath would be most attracted to, or seek out? I seem to attract sociopaths of both genders and I’m going to use this fact to understand on what I need to work on personally. It’s true and I seem to be an attractive conquest for them. Could it be slightly masochistic insecure people attract them? I’ve been working on that part of me a while now.
Wow how powerful is this article? I truly felt as though I was reading my story! As shameful and sickening as it is to read and fathom after 8 years, its spot on to how my situation panned out! I wish I new then what I know now. I wish I could have spotted the signs…BUT.. he would not have targeted me if I was wise to his ways! Anyhoo.. we live and learn the hard way I guess!
**sigh** it seems so much easier just to rescue a dog from the local shelter then deal with the complexity of human relationships in this day and age. Things have become so dangerous.
silentstorm – I hear you loud and clear! When was life and love ever meant to be so complicated? Is it because we as women speak up these days whereas once upon a time a woman just accepted her choices and lived with it regardless of her own happiness?
SnowWhite, excellent piece. And, the current husband (still, ick) constantly said, “I’m NOT your EX!” Meaning that beatings were absent, so therefore he is not an abuser. Good article – VERY much the M.O.
This article is breaking my heart.
I’m on day 6 of the break up process. We still live in the same home. But the packing has begun. It’s not the first time I’ve left him…this is number 3…three times since November. I have to follow through this time. I have to. If I don’t…I don’t know what I’ll do.
I’ve been participating in this dysfunctional relationship for nearly 4 years and I’ve put up with things I would have NEVER agreed to before that time. I believe I’m in love with this man. But sometimes I think I’m just seduced by the drama…and I hate that idea! How can something so exhausting and so hurtful be what I want?! But there is something about this relationship that reminds me of my early childhood…so maybe it triggers something in me. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. My self-esteem is dead and my self-respect is close behind.
A friend directed me to this website and the things you are all writing/sharing are blowing me away. I usually feel completely isolated from the world. I had no idea that anyone could possibly understand what’s happening in my world…until I read the things you all have to say.
The one thing I’m struggling to understand right now is the use of the word “sociopath”. It seems so…harsh! Almost evil. I know that many people *do* take advantage of others purposely, hurt others purposely…but is there ever an instance where the abuser in question is, in part, clueless? Maybe I’m just too brainwashed from drinking the Kool-aid…but I think my abuser is just completely oblivious part of the time. Of course, if he’s getting his needs met then why should he change his behavior? But a sociopath? Really? I don’t mean to be disrespectful of anyone’s experience…and I can take a “here’s the reality” talk if that’s what I need. But the term “sociopath” brings to mind criminals and people with no feelings/regard for anything or anyone. I’ve seen compassion in my guy. I’ve seen love, primarily for his family. Can he really be a sociopath? Narcissist maybe. I’m trying to sit with that to understand it. But sociopath? I don’t know. If we were at AA, I’d call him “King Baby”. Is anyone familiar with that term?
I’m sorry I’m rambling. I’m sorry if this is the wrong place to post my questions. I don’t want to derail anyone’s conversation. I just….can’t stop reading what you all have to say and, to be honest, my mouth has dropped open more than a dozen times…because I know I’m in the right place. And it scares me.
My story to a “T”…i’m crying, I feel sick to my stomach.So Profound!! .Could it have possibly been the same one? It is identical the pattern…It is the Art of Seduction..it is the Serpent in the Garden of Eden…
He has so many other victims…He conned me out of my entire nest egg to invest so I would have money that he could make for me while I go through a divorce that he was attempting to create..(he said he did 17 divorces and was a divorce coach as well as Day Trader) (He called my husband several times to kill his soul at the same time he fragmented and disintegrated mine..he said it was dominance, that i was his and he needed to make sure that i was not being touched) so i could be his future wife or mistress in a villa in Spain…..there was always a little truth tied in with the lies that made everything seem possible and honest…
I no longer had any control over my own emotions…i was unable to remove myself.(he did have past girlfriends that attempted and committed suicide) .once he was “done with me” I was a walking zombie and sank deeper into the black hole.i had been hurt so many times before and raised by an alcoholic that i thought i could endure the pain but i did not know that this subhuman species existed, I had no idea what I was up against…….only to survive on “borrowed hope”..Narc recovery programs, therapist (who I had all along), life coach and psychiatrist and personal trainer…the bills incurred with this were worth it, as I am Alive Today……they make us ramble on and look like the crazy ones and that is all part of their scheme but thank goodness for the educated for they know how their evil works….My heart hurts for one of the victims I know he is utilizing now, who is in a suicidal state as well as his enslaved wife and the baby they just brought into this world..Their journey is not in my hands. they would not hear me anyway..i pray for them….There are still safe people in this world and now i have some ability to discern who they are…
p.s…the whole time i knew the truth but was unable to move on the truth, i was truly hooked, not in my own power..it was a spell, a trance, a poison in my veins ,,seduction at its finest….sounds so crazy, it was out my reach to escape, i couldnt bare the thought of not having him although that was all i wanted was not to have him in my life…I survived, I can only thank God for doing it for me as I was not capable to do it myself…..I look at the loss of my over $30,000 as a college tuition to Life and that there is Human Evil that lurks amongst us.
Dear Zootowngirl,
My situation regarding the hear thief only lasted for about 8 months. It was just emotional for 5 months then got physical. So I did not have nearly as much time invested into the relationship as you. But when you say drinking the Kool Aid…..I have used that exact analogy many times to describe the control he had over me.
If all the information you are reading rings true…..you know what you have to do. When I start to doubt myself, I read Claudia Moscovicci’s blog. It puts it all into perspective and brings me back to reality. Another site you must read is brilliantdesguisedotme.wordpress.com. She is an amazing writer and you will gain great insight by reading her story.
Take care of you!!! Good luck!
Snow
Oh and Snowwhite, I am a healthy 51 year old, he is 33 bodybuilder, we met at the gym..i was flattered and he used the age difference to disguise the possibility of a love affair…
My husband and I are still together . a new appreciation for life has come with surviving this experience..I now go within myself instead of looking for healing on the outside…
Dear Alivetoday,
I am so sorry for what you experienced. I think the loss money is not as important as the loss of your life and soul. Have you heard kaie Perry’s new song “part of me”? It will make you feel better when you listen to it.
I felt the same way you are feeling. I can honestly say that week by week I feel stronger and am getting my life back.
The heart thief may have hijacked my heart and life for months, but I took control and got it back!!!! I hope you will to very soon.
Be happy!
Snow