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By | December 13, 2013 29 Comments

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The menacing spirit

Editor’s note: The following article was written by Lovefraud reader “Carmella” and refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery

The subject that I’ve been deliberating very long and hard about posting is very sticky, very personal, and somewhat spiritually volatile, but as I reflect, I begin to see how this phenomenon has followed me throughout my life from its very beginnings. I realize that my exposure to this psychological/spiritual archetype had even caused me to “join the ranks” temporarily as I (and here is the irony) searched for an escape from it.

The archetype of which I speak is that of the menacing spirit the spirit of the bored, restless, self-absorbed, and superior. The typical behavior of the menace is looked upon so superficially, as if it is part of one’s personality, or the result of a somehow flawed upbringing, but it really isn’t focused upon any further than an object of “blame” for it.

Even the one behaving in such a way doesn’t believe they are doing anything to “hurt” anyone else as their mind is fixed on self-promotion. Either way, people are used, abused, mistreated, manipulated, lied to, lied about ”¦ because (in my case) there is such spiritual injury the only escape is through the ego and it is not really an escape ”¦ it is more of a “turning the tables to reflect back what is projected onto me” or fighting fire with fire. Yet another irony.

Around and around and around we go! It is a game of “nobody wins” ”¦ a battle of wills and intelligence enter into the realm of spiritual warfare.

Recognizing the menace

You will feel the nature of this spirit right down to the air you breathe, the change in tone of the atmosphere, and a nagging feeling of anxiety and downright physical infirmary. You will experience the nature of it in your twisted thoughts, your constant confusion, your life of “it’s always something”— “what next” and the eggshell nature of what should be a peaceful stroll through what is supposed to be your sanctuary. Your body feels sore, you’re mentally exhausted, and a sick and wrought-out feeling consumes your gut and leaves it feeling twisted into knots. The vibe is always defensive and threatening. The mind is always fixed and at the ready for the next ” problem to solve,” the next “hurdle to jump,” the next “expectation to fulfill,” in order to live what used to be your peaceful life.

As you search for restoration, you begin to feel obligated to entertain the lie, make sense of it, or excuse it, and when you cannot find a rational explanation through reason nor a place of balance, you begin to self-blame. This is what that voice sounds like: “I am not attractive enough, I am not attentive enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough, I am too sensitive, too critical” and finally ”¦ when it has reached its peak of destruction ”¦ “what did I ever do to deserve all of this and how the hell did I get here…I’m tired, I’m unhappy, I’m restless, I’m zapped of my strength.”

You find that the whole of your entire existence is one of searching to find the ultimate stop to it all ”¦ the one permanent solution to the constant cascade of seemingly “fragmented” problems. You find that any true love you once experienced now feels obligatory and forced just to keep some semblance of peace though it is a very futile attempt.

But now, out of sheer exhaustion, the weight of all of the dismissal of what is really happening just to find that “peaceful place” begins to crush your spirit. As you sell out, you can feel yourself in its grip and under its control. You are now playing right into the hand of the menace ”¦ it wants guilt, shame, and embarrassment to lord over your life (and your decreased mental acuity and emotional over-reactivity doesn’t hurt neither). You ultimately find that you have traded all of the beauty of who you are and what you thought you were on your way to becoming in for just a mere deep breath of fresh air, a normal heart rate, and one single thought instead of the racing nature of the jumbled mess of them bumping into each other around and around the track of incessant confusion.

It is all a very insidious plan, diabolically designed to be completely reliant upon another’s nature to see the good and live in peace, that we fulfill so perfectly for this menacing spirit. Our attention is taken off of ourselves (the selfless nature of another is a very key component to the pervasive nature of this spirit) and kept busy with useless attempts of reasoning where there is none ”¦ to the point of utter exasperation where we find our only purpose becomes that of wasting all of the energy we would normally put into our true purpose, to be over-abundantly attentive to untangling the problems created in it by the menace.

It becomes a life of to-and-fro, up-in-the-air, nothing solved, one thing leading to another, and absolutely no sense can ever be made of it. It is all on all the time, and I’m very sorry to say ”¦ there is never any end and absolutely no closure. This spirit never finishes anything, ever. That would be too natural a series of events ”¦ it wants you to always wonder and clutter your mind with ideals, that I promise you, will never materialize.

There is no middle ground. There is no understanding it, beyond knowing that “something is very wrong here and nothing is right.” You unwittingly become an opponent in a game of covert control that you unfortunately don’t realize until it has been played out so many times that finally ”¦ specific patterns begin to emerge.

I’ve seen many break out that white flag in this war as their weakness begins to suffocate their will. My plea is that you understand this: To completely succumb is to worship that which seeks to destroy, that which holds in complete contempt the fact that anyone has their own mind, their own heart, their own dreams, their own life to live, and purpose to fulfill. You become nothing but a minion to the ultimate power that overthrows your reasoning, leading you into a life of total and complete dependency (which you now perceive to be love and acceptance) of the one who “drives” you ”¦ and here is the truth of the matter ”¦ that is not love.

There is never enough admiration, adoration, and attention that you can give this spirit you will always fall short of “pleasing” it. Through the reading of the patterns that eventually become obvious, you begin to realize that this spirit has minions everywhere it travels, and you are no different at all just one of a legion who are being sucked dry of their love, patience, peace, trust, independence, and ultimately your soul.

It has a very enticing nature, this spirit. It makes you prize it more than you prize yourself. But beware, destruction lies in wait right around the corner. It connives and convinces, dangles your dreams before your eyes (because it makes a point of paying very close attention to them), it even materializes some of the ”¦ but the price you ultimately pay makes you hate yourself for ever dreaming to begin with.

It steals your hope, ravages your faith, and takes full advantage of your vulnerability. It begins to deteriorate your integrity and twist your sense of self-worth to complete degradation. And if and when you do get out with any tiny bit of yourself left intact, the aloneness you feel is crucifying dangling from a cross in the middle of nowhere that hatred hoisted you up on, being spat upon, whipped, and the demeaning remarks that are hurled at you are so loud, they become deafening.

You look around in an effort to see your accusers but what you find is the scariest thing of all ”¦ these assaults are coming from the only one who is there ”¦ you. And so you hang there alone, afraid, bewildered, confused, with no strength left and you ask yourself why? And the only answer you can reason is “because I loved.” Though with your last dying breath, you muster up the strength to whimper ”¦ “it is finished!”

Enter peace

“Better to die ten-thousand deaths than to wound my honor.”~Joseph Addison.

Love, acceptance and self preservation. Three key investments to peace. This is the cherry on that happy-ending sundae. And this is how it begins: Building upon this love with the complete acceptance that the past could not have been any different no matter how many precious moments of your life you’ve devoted to wanting to believe it to be so, and so you remove yourself from it.

What unfolds is the truth that love does conquer all. You begin to understand that you were easily deceived because of your nature to believe in good not because you are stupid, not because you are less, and not because you deserve it. Speaking in terms of my run-ins with this phenomenon, it was never my decision, my intent, nor my wish to have things transpire in my life as they did it was the end result of another’s intent.

I loved, I trusted, I gave through all of it. I tried and in this, there is no shame.

It really didn’t change the real me at all it did, however, change my perspective. The lesson I ultimately learned from my journey thus far is this ”¦ I know now to guard my heart which is my treasure.

This menacing spirit didn’t follow me around my entire life for no reason and it didn’t grow larger and more difficult to resist and walk away from for no reason. It was to teach me to keep the deepest part of me for myself ”¦ and to hold it sacred and untouchable to the outside world. This is the part of me that belongs to creation. It is my secret, my very own piece of heaven.

Wolves will always come disguised in sheep’s clothing and also under the guise of societal-respected titles. Since this revelation, I have recognized quite a few of them before they got too close. I’ve learned that all I need is ME and rediscovered the wholeness, the wellness, and not only the possibility but the propensity toward greatness I, MYSELF encapsulate from the force that guides me.

I’ve turned all of the twisted thoughts straight. I’ve turned my attention to those things that truly need and are deserving of my attention ”¦ and in turn, the universe has literally helped me along the way without any effort on my part whatsoever.

I am learning the value of distance and practicing silence and listening and I have become abundantly rewarded for the efforts I have exercised in the right places….”in that space between the thoughts.”~Deepak Chopra.

This IS a real place. The revelation that leads to peace. Be wary of anyone who claims to love you, care for and about you, whose words and actions are contradictory, those who deploy guilt tactics for your attention, attempts made to lead you to feel somehow responsible for their unhappiness, loneliness, or misunderstood nature or your inability to forgive. This is always a sign you are dealing with a force to be reckoned with.

People can “tell” you who they are until they are blue in the face ”¦ they can speak of their deepest beliefs and the things they hold sacred shit words are free to anyone who cares to use them and they are given away so effortlessly ”¦ but the action that transpires is the most telling of their true nature and more importantly, their intent. The action is their ownership, or lack thereof, of those words.

(“To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions, they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.”~Titus 1:15-16).

So, the first time their words become meaningless by their deed ”¦ run. Don’t stick around, don’t wait for hard evidence, don’t ponder it another minute. And from that point on, don’t give it another second of your attention (“”¦ having a form of Godliness, but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.”~2 Timothy 3:5).

Place your energies instead into a worthy cause one that lifts you and others up, inspires you to be better, stronger, and wiser. These energies will guide and keep you. The opposing energies will force it out of you at the very desperate point of saving your own soul.

Take a step back away from your mind (as this is the menace’s playground) ”¦ feel and listen to the sensations in your body ”¦ what are they telling you. Do they bring a peaceful feeling or one overwrought with anxiety and unease?

In closing ”¦ as it is my mission to assign a meaningful lesson to each of my life’s experiences, and it is my commission to share what I’ve learned with others, I felt it pertinent to bring to light ”¦ the darkness.

It is a propensity we all have. It is a drive we all experience it has a very luring quality that engages the flow of adrenaline, inspires a temptation to seek the forbidden, the unknown, the challenge. However, upon the spectrum of light, there is none so bright as grace ”¦ which also brings with it elements of the unknown and challenge, yet in this expenditure of energy, results are always guided towards overall well-being.

There is no time called “wasted” time ”¦ there is only a time for everything under heaven. Once you enter peace ”¦ time is of no consequence.

My wish is for all to be safe from harm and for everyone to live in the grace that is freely given. My hope is that your curiosity not lead you to a place where your power is completely dependent upon your own futile effort but that you understand and accept that all is exactly the way it is supposed to be and apply boundary in the matter of self-preservation.

Allow your path to unfold the way nature intends so that you may feel the abundant giving nature of the universe with the least amount of your effort. When you achieve these things, you will begin to feel the natural state of “give and it will be given,” and know without a doubt that any provision was indeed, meant to be.

“Perfection of means and confusion of aims seems to characterize our age.”~Albert Einstein.

Be mindful that those who are hurting hurt, those who confuse you are confused, those who make you afraid are afraid themselves, those who lie to you first lie to themselves, and those who wish to destroy have already been destroyed ”¦ and it is this spirit that needs to be broken ”¦ not the heart.

Seek not to do more damage by fighting with it ”¦ but instead ”¦ remember that somewhere deep inside, there is a point of refuge that only the tormented themselves can locate. No matter your spiritual maturity, no matter your concern, no matter what you can plainly see underneath this spirit of dissension ”¦ unless you are the one it is living through and sabotaging, you have no power to disarm it. It has to turn against itself.

This is why it is best to ignore, avoid, and turn away, because it doesn’t recognize real concern and love ”¦ but only how to use them to increase its power over them. The more you attend it, the hotter it burns.

There is a difference between peace and boredom, capitalization and true entitlement, surrender and defense, self-fulfillment and self-sabotage. The difference between those of us with a conscience and those without is evident change brought about my insight and empathy. Those who profess change but show no outward evidence are best to be avoided altogether. I’ve learned that experience is the best teacher.

Guard your heart…love yourself above circumstance. In this, there is no love lost even though it may have been misplaced for a time.

Much love,
Carmella


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OpalRose

Greetings Carmella – for all the time you have spent pondering these issues I thank you. This is an article can save and reread whenever I need it.

I am especially besieged by the exhaustion of going around and around with the thoughts in my head. I was raised in a household with a mother who was a bottomless pit of envy, anger and restlessness – because she was empty. I recently read this slogan, “we cannot fix ourselves by breaking another [person].” The menacing spirit nails it.

My biggest challenge was to experience myself as a separate person and to do that I had to physically separate from my mother. As I have learned to find my way, I have had all my questions answered with more wisdom and support than I ever expected through articles such as these and with shock at the enormity of the dysfunction.

You addressed so many points that I have pondered myself with little success. So I hope you know what a treasure this article is. Thank you and best wishes.

fightingtoforgive

I am truly humbled by your comment OpalRose. For purposes of anonymity, the name “Carmella” was assigned to this article…though I am a member of this site and I too have read varying perspectives of this phenomenon, which have also helped me to heal. We are all in this together. My screen name you will notice is different when you read this reply to your comment, but I wanted to let everyone know that I had read their perspective and their insight as well and thank you for your kind comments. It was an article that basically wrote itself..and it is the experience that speaks…and the experience from which we all learn and grow. God Bless You.

Viewpoint

Amen,Carmella.
How extraordinarily and comprehensively captured! How poetically and soothingly urged! How so deeply true and touching!
I echo Opal Rose: This is a keeper for all time. Do keep writing: You have the gift. Do keep pondering: You have the wisdom.

slimone

Carmella,

Amen! Thank-you so much for this.

BH725W

Carmella,
This is exactly what happened to me. I spent 18 years in the arms of a narciistic sociopath, but his need was not to empty my pocketbook…his need was to empty me. He had slipped through the cracks of the law and fooled psychiatrist throughout our marriage. I was sucked in by what he dangled before me….a family structure and a good father for my 2 year-old daughter. I held onto promises that never materialized. His need was paraphilia and his unspeakable abuse he did to me, he managed to make me believe that I was emotionally overreacting to the horrible things he did to me. The worst part of that was that he had his brother, the cop, in his corner that helped him cover-up the truth. I did not see the true reality of what happened to me over the years until the day he violated my 13 year-old daughter. That is when I mulled over all the abuse I sustained and determined his pattern. I began a journal and reviewed all that occurred and took it to a therapist for clarification. The harsh reality made me feel like a gutted animal in a lonely jungle. After nurturing my wounds and regaining my strength, I became a Tigress with the focus of clawing his balls if need be in my escape. I needed to understand his warped mind in order to ensure a safe escape while embracing empathy with the ultimate goal of acceptance and forgiveness so I could become whole. Material things meant nothing to me, but taking back myself meant everything to me. I began life anew at age 42, eating rice and bologna to rebuild my life and it only took 2 years for me to buy my own home. For me to be able to sleep with both eyes closed was priceless. I am currently blessed to be married to a genuine, loving, understanding man that loves me for me and has no hidden agenda. I discovered that writing my journal was necessary for me to see and understand my true reality and my thought processes that had been manipulated with the intent to keep me in that very dark place for so long. At age 42, I had fear and no idea where my journey would take me, but I knew I had the rest of my life to be at peace. I have learned that material things can be replaced and our spirit can be regained. It was a hell of a ride, but life is beautiful now!

Tigress Within

kaya48

This is so true. No material asset is worth staying in an abusive relationship. I might lose every material thing in this divorce but I won my freedom, my peace and my sanity already. As soon as I filed I was empowered and now I have this great strength that keeps me going. A strength I never had before because he almost destroyed me. I got out on time and to this day I am thankful for the other woman to take my place. To be at the receiving end of his insults. It hurt me tremendously to be discarded after 20 years. But I know there is a reason for everything in life, but also a consequence for his actions. I regained my life and he lost his family.

marcyII

I remember I ended up believing that he was possessed by an evil demon or satan himself. His eyes would change as if it was something very evil in there that was looking at me. So evil I really can’t find words to describe it. I remember saying to him, I know your trying to steal my soul. I know that’s what your after. And I would tell him that he has the power to do whatever he feels like to me including take my life but I told him that’s the one thing that I had the power to keep from him was my soul and he would never get that.

Linette

Marcyll, I know exactly what you mean. Both of mine (total of 20 years) had that “look”. I have told people it was like passing your hand down their face and seeing the devil himself. They would look at me with such contempt (especially after the separations started) that it chilled me to the bone. I can’t even really describe it but it sounds like you know what I mean. Even if I wasn’t looking at them, I could FEEL the evil eyes upon me.

Excellent article by the way. Gave me a lot to think about. I am in a wonderful marriage now thank God and it is so true that it’s the actions that count. And they have to be CONSISTENT, not come and go fleetingly. My second was SO good at love-bombing, he had me thinking I was an angel sent from above to be with him. Foolish? Maybe. But like so many others, I loved him, trusted him and believed that no one could be that cruel. I have FINALLY realized I only loved, I only gave myself because I trusted and that I don’t want to be any other way. There IS a huge difference in that, I now realize and being smart and WAITING to see for sure if that person is REALLY consistent with their actions and REAL. I thank God every day that He brought my current husband into my life. I am healing and learning what love REALLY is. Don’t miss the roller coaster at all.

BH725W

Hi Kay48 and Marcyll!
After I left my 18 year nightmare, I was in my healing process and when I began dating online and met other women’s dysfunctional ex-messes, their red flags hit me like flashing lights. My goal was to become whole so I decided to remain single and enjoy life with my family and friends that had been removed by my ex. I stopped looking for a man and was at peace with myself, and that’s when the best man I could ever ask for had entered my life. The best part is that I recognized it. He is a handsome 52 year-old that does not need a blue pill and he has a heart of gold. Ten years after I left my sociopath behind, I heard he was suffering from a growth on his scrotums. I did not have sympathy for him, but I did have empathy for him, and that confirmed my healing. Healing is necessary and even during times you may feel lonely, value your family and friends to give you strength to hold out for a good man!Keep faith in yourself and embrace hope. You will champion your challenge. We are all in your corner here at Donna’s place.

Tigress Within

4Light2shine

First, Thank you Carmella for your courage to share your perspective and to Donna for the same. For some the spiritual side of all this wickedness seems to have a cumulative effect. Some who may have never seen the need before to reflect on spiritual concepts feel compelled now to acknowledge that there may be something big they have been overlooking. Others have been taught spiritual concepts from their childhood and so tend to view life’s interactions through a type of filter or perhaps from a different perspective. For me the spiritual aspect is always there but I don’t always define it as such. When speaking to others I have found it is important to find where their comfort level is. Truthfully that in itself can be exhausting sometimes. One of the biggest hurdles I have encountered is false paradigms. Even when speaking with others who share my same basic beliefs I have experienced countless times walls coming up between us, presumptions and dogmatic assertions seem to pop up as defensive mechanisms to protect and perpetuate not our mutual supposed shared beliefs but the small spaces that we can fill in the gaps between explicit doctrine. With many there seems to be no bridge available to traverse the chasm between their precious dogma and my ugly true life experience. With some however by speaking in their preferred language the walls can be avoided. With those precious few who speak my same language of scripture and science I find resonance, depth, and comfort. Yes that is my true comfort zone. One of the things that came to mind from reading Carmella’s article was that the Spirit that she was speaking of is described often times in scriptures. One verse refers to it as the air and describes it as the Spirit that operates in the sons( and I’ll add the daughters) of disobedience. There are countless examples all throughout the scriptures of nefarious characters often parading themselves as kind and benevolent. Often times these were people who were highly respected and in positions of great power and influence. When I first became aware of NPD (narcissism) I recognized that Absolom, son of king David was excessively narcissistic. Another obvious cluster B described in scripture was Jezebel. Not only was the original woman well described and documented in ancient Israel but was also referenced in one of the first century congregations as a dangerous corrupting influence coming from a woman or perhaps a group of women in that region. The context also pointed to modern day applications. While we shouldn’t be shocked that these things are happening we should be shocked and offended when they are tolerated, condoned, and paraded around as exemplary. Sorry if I elaborated too much on any of this. I figured this was the article that speaks to these aspects. Peace to all of you.

Valueyourself

“Wolves in sheep’s clothing” is such a poignant description of certain types of disordered individuals that having experienced one for myself, first hand, I shall always be wary.
This article was so well written I felt compelled to comment after managing to free myself from a sociopath who very nearly sapped all my self-worth and made me question myself as if I were the perpetrator. This site in itself has been very reassuring that’s it’s not me, it’s most definitely not.
I’ve endured bizarre behaviour, relentless emotional abuse, the usual rationalising and minimising tactics and the endless lies and manipulation we have all seemed to experience.
Trust that gut instinct I say, and run.
When their stories contradict and their promises to change are empty then run. Don’t look back, because there will have been good times to suck you in at the beginning. These were false promises and not true love, even the tears at the end were false, intent on playing on your emotions. It’s all a selfish game.
I am grateful for my strength of character, a supportive family and resolve that there is a big world out there and many more lovely, genuine people than devious ones and the odds are that I will meet one who is worth sharing my life with.
I consider myself lucky. I escaped.

Linette

Okay not sure where to write this but I need opinions. My ex is still coming to the church I go to. I am very involved and LOVE my family there. I am married again. He doesn’t bother ME but I know that he bothers others by just being there. He didn’t come for a while (I believe because of a new quest) but he is back. The restraining order ran out and he is doing what he can so that it can’t be considered stalking but on the borderline. For instance he came to the play where I was the main character last week and sat in the very middle (never did that until after we separated where he came 4 nights in a row and sat in the middle in the front). My husband was another main character and the writer in this one and I KNOW my ex did it to make me uncomfortable. I have learned to go on now in spite of him and I DO NOT let him know in any way that it bothers me but last night he came to one of my closest friend’s mother’s funeral, sat one row behind us and stayed through the whole thing. He and the friend did NOT like each other so I know he did it to be a jerk. The problem I have is that it makes EVERYONE uncomfortable. I know because I have been told that by quite a few people. A funeral, for crying out loud, is the last place most people would be a jerk and use the situation like that. But these people as we know are not normal in an sense of the word. So even though I love the church I have been in for 13 years, I wonder if I should leave so that it will stop everyone else from being uncomfortable. Would that be the right thing to do?

Linette – obviously he is doing it to disturb you and the others. You are right to ignore him.

Perhaps you can make your participation in church irregular for awhile. Skip a few weeks, skip a few events. Attend another church temporarily. If you are less predictable, maybe he will lose interest in showing up. Then, after awhile, you can resume.

Linette

That’s a good idea. My husband teaches a big Sunday School class though and is on the Tech Team. He has to be there if anyone is out on the team. I am on the worchip team (I sing every other Sunday and also currently working on a new drama so I have to be there for practice. Also if we started skipping Sundays he would know he was getting to me and I am afraid he would see is regaining control and get worse. I am sure you understand all of this. So on one hand I don’t to let him “run us off” but on the other hand, don’t want to keep the church upset. I KNOW it’s not my fault but I feel a little responsible. I hate that I do too. I thought I was done letting him rent free space in my head!

fightingtoforgive

To All:

First of all, as the author of this article, I want to express my immense gratitude for all of the kind words shared here in regard to it. Most importantly, this piece was the pinnacle of healing for me. It was a very long journey to penning those words to paper (or keying them to screen..lol)that was fraught with trepidation as well as a dash of embarrassment in my confession that I had been “taken”, conned, manipulated and used. There are SO many emotions that collide one into the other during and after an experience such as this, and you ALL know what I am talking about. The stages are like that of mourning a loss, only…there really IS NO loss..it is all imaginary…AND THIS is what sets it apart from a dissolution of a healthy relationship where differences begin to just become insurmountable and divide people. The most difficult stage for me was the untangling of these highly-energized and overcharged emotions that exhausted my mental acuity and almost destroyed my ability to reason. I began to understand that what I wanted to see and believe was in sharp contrast to what actually was and wasn’t. There was a long period of back-and-forth between how I saw him and how he WAS and a lot of “heart-sight” peppered with a ton of REALITY that I just could not deny any longer. Going back, I remember thinking that with every step forward I made in this process of healing, I would find yet another tragic loss waiting for me…one that would have to be untangled, reasoned out, and accepted. It is an entirely different form of grief and it became clear to me that the process of getting through it was entirely different as well. In a normal grieving process, you begin…you go through the various stages to eventually come to acceptance. IN this process..it is backwards AND perpetual. We first have to “accept” and then grieve–and for every thread of this insidious web of deception, there is yet another form of acceptance waiting for us. If truth be told, the minute we enter into this scenario, our grieving process has begun and I really don’t know if one comes to full acceptance because there is no real understanding it…just accepting and moving away from it…and guarding ourselves to avoid it in the future. One thing I know for sure, I will never be the same. It is my greatest aspiration to be better..stronger…and more aware. Donna publishing this article has gone a long way to perpetuating this for me. I have taken the worst experience of my life, turned it into a positive, and have the greatest hope that it will in some way assist someone else on the arduous journey back to their spirit. Thank you Donna…thank you all. Much love and peace!

BH725W

Fightingtoforgive, I fully understand your frustration in regards to acceptance and your need for understanding in order to get to the level of acceptance and forgiveness. Understanding my ex’s warped mind was an absolute, and mixed with a little cranberry juice at times, for me to be able move on as a whole person. My ex had all the characteristics of a narciistic sociopath on top of his psychotic paraphilia needs. Of course, in the beginning he was wonderful and everything changed when I said “I do.” I had a visitor one Saturday morning and told her to help herself to coffee while I took a quick shower. I screamed to the top of my lungs when I discovered that my entire vagina had been shaved and I had no memory of how that happened. When I confronted my ex, he told me that he did it to me the night before because it was a sexual arousal for him with entitlement and no remorse. To this day, I have no memory of the actual act. Much more occurred after that and if it wasn’t for the substantial evidence left behind, I would have never known the horrendous things my ex did to me. He had drugged me up and live out his warped fantasies without the thought that I could have bled to death. I was so broken down, the only strength I had left was the love for my daughter. After the worst had happened, I listed everything abnormal in our relationship and was shocked when I saw it all on paper. I questioned his family members of his childhood and took all information to a therapist for clarification. I learned the mechanisms of a narciistic sociopath and the disturbing world of one addicted to a variety of paraphilia. She told me she was glad to hear me say, “I need to leave him.” Because of his sociopath traits, I needed to understand his mind in order for a safe escape for my daughter and myself. The knowledge I gained helped me understand what it would take to leave him behind. I determined that I had to allow him the security of keeping our marital property so he could hang onto believing that I may return one day in need of him. I let him keep our house and I waived my rights to my portion of his retirement benefits. There are many kinds of sociopaths and only the victim can supply a psychological professional with your individual nightmare for evaluation with hope that it will make sense enough for to accept and heal. The best thing I could do for myself was documenting everything from the beginning, and yes, it was so painful, I had to do it in small doses, but I knew I had to complete it. That was my need, yet I do know of others that did not choose to do the “understanding part.” I believe that everyone is an individual and understanding your needs is what matters and embracing that life is so much better rising above.
Tigress within

Vision

FightingtoForgive,

Very very well written….You have described to an exact detail the demon that was in my life. Yes, the menacing spirit is a demon!…so to speak of course.

You described every feeling, every thought that I experienced and much more….You nailed it…

Your words: “You will experience the nature of it in your twisted thoughts, your constant confusion, your life of “it’s always something—” “what next” and the eggshell nature of what should be a peaceful stroll through what is supposed to be your sanctuary.

Your body feels sore, you’re mentally exhausted, and a sick and wrought-out feeling consumes your gut and leaves it feeling twisted into knots. The vibe is always defensive and threatening. The mind is always fixed and at the ready for the next ” problem to solve,” the next “hurdle to jump,” the next “expectation to fulfill,” in order to live what used to be your peaceful life.”

Guaranteed we here at LF felt every bit this description.

Thanks for sharing with us….

Windy

All I can say is… WOW.. I have always believed in my spirituality, and learning to forgive others and myself for my own freedom.. I have been fighting with myself about labeling another when Forgiveness is the answer…I truely believe that…I still do… However…I stopped talking about things, because there was so much judgement on him or me…makes no difference..It didn’t feel good. But Finally…This article…Just wowed me..Its so true..This is what we must all do… Take our Power back.. and let them be for their own Journey..We deserve this..This is the first Article I have read with Spirituality in a Love Fraud relationship..I am grateful..It is what I needed to read. Every single word is true..and when you trust your true love inside of you…No contact becomes the answer, even when it hurts so much..Your inner guidance tells you strongly through your gut..and yes..each day..The Ego will try to convince you different…But your inner power is more powerful than this menace..I heard recently from a spiritual guide..when I was really going through hard times with this difficult person in my life…and I was feeling so empty, and sad…and he told me…You CAN NOT feel emptiness if you have not experienced fulfillment..and you CAN NOT feel sad if you have never experienced happiness etc…What that told me.. is that it was my perception and how I can identify it when it happens.. It is helping me with stayin NC.. If my thoughts percieve anything that does not feel good, I know there is another choice, the opposite…the good, the love etc..about me…And I have a choice, when I recognize it… Not easy…but identifying my feelings is step one, and I can choose to reach for another feeling…I am in another “SILENT TREATMENT” right now…and so what… This is longer than most.. because I made him more angrier than most times….by telling him I am done and quit contacting me.. I dont even care what he is doing and for whatever reason.. I know he will try again, he always does…but This time…It is all about me…I fight my thoughts every day…A part of me wants back what I thought was, and the other says…If you get it..then what? and I think about that for a moment…and wanna get sick…That part is stronger, so I must be getting stronger…And this article is the way to go…My sadest question to myself..is how I can so easily fall into a belief from another and love, but cant fall so easily to love myself…Huge wake up call…I am working on it each and every day…. Thank you so much for the awsome article, and the relevence between spirituality and Love Fraud…It is the best way of therepy ever….<3

Windy

I feel good about this article…:) Thank you for sharing it…Big Love…

Vision

Windy,

Good for you! Staying away from him this time for good and wrapping our brains around the reality of the facade we thought we loved….lots of brain work opposed to lots of heartache….

I even thought when in the beginning of NC, right after the reality sunk in that I was actually ignoring him, I thought of a cartoon where the guy wrote to his wife saying “Dear Irene, Please come back. I would rather be miserable with you then miserable without you.”

Yes, I was miserable. The first “ha ha” I am showing him to the what have I done? and thoughts of “maybe he did love me?” and the garbage truck dumped more thoughts of his trashy way of treating me on my brain….years of his conditioning had warped my brain, heart, body and soul…..but I, like you, thought if I went back to him then “would he be any different?…”could I now trust him?”….

Getting through the trash and getting into reality = freedom + healing = peace, joy, love = getting yourself back

I have a vision….A strong woman with her heart as big as ever and her mind as sharp as a sword and her soul as strong as steel.

pattywack

Wow, that was very spiritual. Thank you. It shows what we really deal with.

bodicasway

Those were true beautiful and healing words, thank you for sharing your thoughts, and if you ever write a book about your experience, I would want to read it

Sheree

I followed from the very core of my being, every part of what you shared from start to where you are now. You encapsulated for me the ten years of the very paradox of a marriage I experienced with the menacing spirit in my life time and on into the corporate menace and back again…to where I too find myself in the release. There is much gratitude to you for sharing this TRUTH, indeed the stages of grief are reversed in relation to a menacing spirit, truly this I/we comprehend, relief and peace ‘in that space between the thoughts’ YES. The divine purpose for any of this can only be eminent shift in time. I am so greatful to Donna for helping me end the confusion regarding that. How truly blessed I/we are to come through this inspired. May the Creator bless you always in the highest for this gift Carmella, much gratitude.

dfaye63

I Love this… I love this!…you are soooo RIGHT Carmella you have to recognize these sociopaths/psychopaths on a spiritual LEVEL…I can so relate to where you’re coming from… For we fight not against flesh and blood…but against the principalities of spiritual darkness! Keep your head up and keep walking in the SPIRIT! It’s the only way to FIGHT these demons………Dfaye63.

Charmedby1

I needed to see this today. I know I will get there. But I am so distraught and emotionally bankrupt and my world is upside down right now. In my life. For this.. Most is about trust and I felt so safe with him I told him my deepest darkest secret. But I’ve never told anyone.. Both of my ex’s are wonderful that was important to me that he could not do. He couldn’t believe it because his ex is cheated to. Infected were both horrible story of the trail waiting cheated 1 sugar creek for the wedding with another officer the other 1 cheated with 2 north park everybody the town for hermen both been I didn’t want him to do is cheat and how amazing that we both have partners that cheated. And of course he was loving it over the top amazing compliment all the things he’s going to make true he turned my world upside down STDs and I don’t even think about all the other stuff that’s happened. I can’t believe what I put up with him and the worst part is 2 months ago and just called me recently and I talked to him for a minute. Thank god I’ll leave them alone of course but can you believecheated once. I told him that’s the only thing

dfaye63

I love this, I love this! I know where you’re coming from Carmella you have to look at these sociopaths/psychopaths from a spiritual place in order to recognize them. Thanks to my God Jehovah and Love fraud I was able to see the light and understand what was happening. We must always bleep in mind that we fight NOT against flesh and blood but against the principalities of spiritual darkness… So our warfare is spiritual. Keep your head up and continue to WALK IN THE SPIRIT. Take care Carmella.

Charmedby1

I needed to see this today. I know I will get there. But I am so distraught and emotionally bankrupt and my world is upside down right now. In my life. For this.. Most is about trust and I felt so safe with him I told him my deepest darkest secret. But I’ve never told anyone.. Both of my ex’s are wonderful that was important to me that he could not do. He couldn’t believe it because his ex is cheated to. Infected were both horrible story of the trail waiting cheated 1 sugar creek for the wedding with another officer the other 1 cheated with 2 north park everybody the town for hermen both been I didn’t want him to do is cheat and how amazing that we both have partners that cheated. And of course he was loving it over the top amazing compliment all the things he’s going to make true he turned my world upside down STDs and I don’t even think about all the other stuff that’s happened. I can’t believe what I put up with him and the worst part is 2 months ago and just called me recently and I talked to him for a minute. I know this is really a bunch. Bottom line is he pretended he was cheated on tour with stories like me and hear that was my one thing I didn’t wanted to do secondly I told him my deepest darkest fear the handles anybody so it’s great for my grandpa and I ended up going to counseling because I have this horrible feeling in a few times raged on him that I thought he was cheating counseling the whole time I was going to find out eventually STDs England my life I cannot tell you how ugly and disgusting I feel thinking about how needy I looked and how badly he treated me for most of the

seekeroflight

This is deep. I need to read it about a million more times.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Thank you Melanie, for linking on this and bringing it back again.

Much of THIS is so similar to my inner world, my mindset, what my thinking was like, esp those last years of my marriage. I had LOST myself. I couldn’t understand how I changed from being so competent and respected into such a loser stupid woman who was scapegoated, to whom it was okay to assault and ridicule and undermine and sabotage… not for anything I actually did but because of what HE said I was.

He lied. For this times he told a thread of truth, it was a set up to a LIE. I came to realize he NEVER stopped testing to ascertain what he could scam out of people… sometimes they didn’t mind being scammed, he was entertaining. But to me, and the most precious being of my world, he is nothing short of a monster.

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