LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The menacing spirit

Editor’s note: The following article was written by Lovefraud reader “Carmella” and refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery

The subject that I’ve been deliberating very long and hard about posting is very sticky, very personal, and somewhat spiritually volatile, but as I reflect, I begin to see how this phenomenon has followed me throughout my life from its very beginnings. I realize that my exposure to this psychological/spiritual archetype had even caused me to “join the ranks” temporarily as I (and here is the irony) searched for an escape from it.

The archetype of which I speak is that of the menacing spirit the spirit of the bored, restless, self-absorbed, and superior. The typical behavior of the menace is looked upon so superficially, as if it is part of one’s personality, or the result of a somehow flawed upbringing, but it really isn’t focused upon any further than an object of “blame” for it.

Even the one behaving in such a way doesn’t believe they are doing anything to “hurt” anyone else as their mind is fixed on self-promotion. Either way, people are used, abused, mistreated, manipulated, lied to, lied about ”¦ because (in my case) there is such spiritual injury the only escape is through the ego and it is not really an escape ”¦ it is more of a “turning the tables to reflect back what is projected onto me” or fighting fire with fire. Yet another irony.

Around and around and around we go! It is a game of “nobody wins” ”¦ a battle of wills and intelligence enter into the realm of spiritual warfare.

Recognizing the menace

You will feel the nature of this spirit right down to the air you breathe, the change in tone of the atmosphere, and a nagging feeling of anxiety and downright physical infirmary. You will experience the nature of it in your twisted thoughts, your constant confusion, your life of “it’s always something”— “what next” and the eggshell nature of what should be a peaceful stroll through what is supposed to be your sanctuary. Your body feels sore, you’re mentally exhausted, and a sick and wrought-out feeling consumes your gut and leaves it feeling twisted into knots. The vibe is always defensive and threatening. The mind is always fixed and at the ready for the next ” problem to solve,” the next “hurdle to jump,” the next “expectation to fulfill,” in order to live what used to be your peaceful life.

As you search for restoration, you begin to feel obligated to entertain the lie, make sense of it, or excuse it, and when you cannot find a rational explanation through reason nor a place of balance, you begin to self-blame. This is what that voice sounds like: “I am not attractive enough, I am not attentive enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough, I am too sensitive, too critical” and finally ”¦ when it has reached its peak of destruction ”¦ “what did I ever do to deserve all of this and how the hell did I get here…I’m tired, I’m unhappy, I’m restless, I’m zapped of my strength.”

You find that the whole of your entire existence is one of searching to find the ultimate stop to it all ”¦ the one permanent solution to the constant cascade of seemingly “fragmented” problems. You find that any true love you once experienced now feels obligatory and forced just to keep some semblance of peace though it is a very futile attempt.

But now, out of sheer exhaustion, the weight of all of the dismissal of what is really happening just to find that “peaceful place” begins to crush your spirit. As you sell out, you can feel yourself in its grip and under its control. You are now playing right into the hand of the menace ”¦ it wants guilt, shame, and embarrassment to lord over your life (and your decreased mental acuity and emotional over-reactivity doesn’t hurt neither). You ultimately find that you have traded all of the beauty of who you are and what you thought you were on your way to becoming in for just a mere deep breath of fresh air, a normal heart rate, and one single thought instead of the racing nature of the jumbled mess of them bumping into each other around and around the track of incessant confusion.

It is all a very insidious plan, diabolically designed to be completely reliant upon another’s nature to see the good and live in peace, that we fulfill so perfectly for this menacing spirit. Our attention is taken off of ourselves (the selfless nature of another is a very key component to the pervasive nature of this spirit) and kept busy with useless attempts of reasoning where there is none ”¦ to the point of utter exasperation where we find our only purpose becomes that of wasting all of the energy we would normally put into our true purpose, to be over-abundantly attentive to untangling the problems created in it by the menace.

It becomes a life of to-and-fro, up-in-the-air, nothing solved, one thing leading to another, and absolutely no sense can ever be made of it. It is all on all the time, and I’m very sorry to say ”¦ there is never any end and absolutely no closure. This spirit never finishes anything, ever. That would be too natural a series of events ”¦ it wants you to always wonder and clutter your mind with ideals, that I promise you, will never materialize.

There is no middle ground. There is no understanding it, beyond knowing that “something is very wrong here and nothing is right.” You unwittingly become an opponent in a game of covert control that you unfortunately don’t realize until it has been played out so many times that finally ”¦ specific patterns begin to emerge.

I’ve seen many break out that white flag in this war as their weakness begins to suffocate their will. My plea is that you understand this: To completely succumb is to worship that which seeks to destroy, that which holds in complete contempt the fact that anyone has their own mind, their own heart, their own dreams, their own life to live, and purpose to fulfill. You become nothing but a minion to the ultimate power that overthrows your reasoning, leading you into a life of total and complete dependency (which you now perceive to be love and acceptance) of the one who “drives” you ”¦ and here is the truth of the matter ”¦ that is not love.

There is never enough admiration, adoration, and attention that you can give this spirit you will always fall short of “pleasing” it. Through the reading of the patterns that eventually become obvious, you begin to realize that this spirit has minions everywhere it travels, and you are no different at all just one of a legion who are being sucked dry of their love, patience, peace, trust, independence, and ultimately your soul.

It has a very enticing nature, this spirit. It makes you prize it more than you prize yourself. But beware, destruction lies in wait right around the corner. It connives and convinces, dangles your dreams before your eyes (because it makes a point of paying very close attention to them), it even materializes some of the ”¦ but the price you ultimately pay makes you hate yourself for ever dreaming to begin with.

It steals your hope, ravages your faith, and takes full advantage of your vulnerability. It begins to deteriorate your integrity and twist your sense of self-worth to complete degradation. And if and when you do get out with any tiny bit of yourself left intact, the aloneness you feel is crucifying dangling from a cross in the middle of nowhere that hatred hoisted you up on, being spat upon, whipped, and the demeaning remarks that are hurled at you are so loud, they become deafening.

You look around in an effort to see your accusers but what you find is the scariest thing of all ”¦ these assaults are coming from the only one who is there ”¦ you. And so you hang there alone, afraid, bewildered, confused, with no strength left and you ask yourself why? And the only answer you can reason is “because I loved.” Though with your last dying breath, you muster up the strength to whimper ”¦ “it is finished!”

Enter peace

“Better to die ten-thousand deaths than to wound my honor.”~Joseph Addison.

Love, acceptance and self preservation. Three key investments to peace. This is the cherry on that happy-ending sundae. And this is how it begins: Building upon this love with the complete acceptance that the past could not have been any different no matter how many precious moments of your life you’ve devoted to wanting to believe it to be so, and so you remove yourself from it.

What unfolds is the truth that love does conquer all. You begin to understand that you were easily deceived because of your nature to believe in good not because you are stupid, not because you are less, and not because you deserve it. Speaking in terms of my run-ins with this phenomenon, it was never my decision, my intent, nor my wish to have things transpire in my life as they did it was the end result of another’s intent.

I loved, I trusted, I gave through all of it. I tried and in this, there is no shame.

It really didn’t change the real me at all it did, however, change my perspective. The lesson I ultimately learned from my journey thus far is this ”¦ I know now to guard my heart which is my treasure.

This menacing spirit didn’t follow me around my entire life for no reason and it didn’t grow larger and more difficult to resist and walk away from for no reason. It was to teach me to keep the deepest part of me for myself ”¦ and to hold it sacred and untouchable to the outside world. This is the part of me that belongs to creation. It is my secret, my very own piece of heaven.

Wolves will always come disguised in sheep’s clothing and also under the guise of societal-respected titles. Since this revelation, I have recognized quite a few of them before they got too close. I’ve learned that all I need is ME and rediscovered the wholeness, the wellness, and not only the possibility but the propensity toward greatness I, MYSELF encapsulate from the force that guides me.

I’ve turned all of the twisted thoughts straight. I’ve turned my attention to those things that truly need and are deserving of my attention ”¦ and in turn, the universe has literally helped me along the way without any effort on my part whatsoever.

I am learning the value of distance and practicing silence and listening and I have become abundantly rewarded for the efforts I have exercised in the right places….”in that space between the thoughts.”~Deepak Chopra.

This IS a real place. The revelation that leads to peace. Be wary of anyone who claims to love you, care for and about you, whose words and actions are contradictory, those who deploy guilt tactics for your attention, attempts made to lead you to feel somehow responsible for their unhappiness, loneliness, or misunderstood nature or your inability to forgive. This is always a sign you are dealing with a force to be reckoned with.

People can “tell” you who they are until they are blue in the face ”¦ they can speak of their deepest beliefs and the things they hold sacred shit words are free to anyone who cares to use them and they are given away so effortlessly ”¦ but the action that transpires is the most telling of their true nature and more importantly, their intent. The action is their ownership, or lack thereof, of those words.

(“To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions, they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.”~Titus 1:15-16).

So, the first time their words become meaningless by their deed ”¦ run. Don’t stick around, don’t wait for hard evidence, don’t ponder it another minute. And from that point on, don’t give it another second of your attention (“”¦ having a form of Godliness, but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.”~2 Timothy 3:5).

Place your energies instead into a worthy cause one that lifts you and others up, inspires you to be better, stronger, and wiser. These energies will guide and keep you. The opposing energies will force it out of you at the very desperate point of saving your own soul.

Take a step back away from your mind (as this is the menace’s playground) ”¦ feel and listen to the sensations in your body ”¦ what are they telling you. Do they bring a peaceful feeling or one overwrought with anxiety and unease?

In closing ”¦ as it is my mission to assign a meaningful lesson to each of my life’s experiences, and it is my commission to share what I’ve learned with others, I felt it pertinent to bring to light ”¦ the darkness.

It is a propensity we all have. It is a drive we all experience it has a very luring quality that engages the flow of adrenaline, inspires a temptation to seek the forbidden, the unknown, the challenge. However, upon the spectrum of light, there is none so bright as grace ”¦ which also brings with it elements of the unknown and challenge, yet in this expenditure of energy, results are always guided towards overall well-being.

There is no time called “wasted” time ”¦ there is only a time for everything under heaven. Once you enter peace ”¦ time is of no consequence.

My wish is for all to be safe from harm and for everyone to live in the grace that is freely given. My hope is that your curiosity not lead you to a place where your power is completely dependent upon your own futile effort but that you understand and accept that all is exactly the way it is supposed to be and apply boundary in the matter of self-preservation.

Allow your path to unfold the way nature intends so that you may feel the abundant giving nature of the universe with the least amount of your effort. When you achieve these things, you will begin to feel the natural state of “give and it will be given,” and know without a doubt that any provision was indeed, meant to be.

“Perfection of means and confusion of aims seems to characterize our age.”~Albert Einstein.

Be mindful that those who are hurting hurt, those who confuse you are confused, those who make you afraid are afraid themselves, those who lie to you first lie to themselves, and those who wish to destroy have already been destroyed ”¦ and it is this spirit that needs to be broken ”¦ not the heart.

Seek not to do more damage by fighting with it ”¦ but instead ”¦ remember that somewhere deep inside, there is a point of refuge that only the tormented themselves can locate. No matter your spiritual maturity, no matter your concern, no matter what you can plainly see underneath this spirit of dissension ”¦ unless you are the one it is living through and sabotaging, you have no power to disarm it. It has to turn against itself.

This is why it is best to ignore, avoid, and turn away, because it doesn’t recognize real concern and love ”¦ but only how to use them to increase its power over them. The more you attend it, the hotter it burns.

There is a difference between peace and boredom, capitalization and true entitlement, surrender and defense, self-fulfillment and self-sabotage. The difference between those of us with a conscience and those without is evident change brought about my insight and empathy. Those who profess change but show no outward evidence are best to be avoided altogether. I’ve learned that experience is the best teacher.

Guard your heart…love yourself above circumstance. In this, there is no love lost even though it may have been misplaced for a time.

Much love,

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I needed to see this today. I know I will get there. But I am so distraught and emotionally bankrupt and my world is upside down right now. In my life. For this.. Most is about trust and I felt so safe with him I told him my deepest darkest secret. But I’ve never told anyone.. Both of my ex’s are wonderful that was important to me that he could not do. He couldn’t believe it because his ex is cheated to. Infected were both horrible story of the trail waiting cheated 1 sugar creek for the wedding with another officer the other 1 cheated with 2 north park everybody the town for hermen both been I didn’t want him to do is cheat and how amazing that we both have partners that cheated. And of course he was loving it over the top amazing compliment all the things he’s going to make true he turned my world upside down STDs and I don’t even think about all the other stuff that’s happened. I can’t believe what I put up with him and the worst part is 2 months ago and just called me recently and I talked to him for a minute. I know this is really a bunch. Bottom line is he pretended he was cheated on tour with stories like me and hear that was my one thing I didn’t wanted to do secondly I told him my deepest darkest fear the handles anybody so it’s great for my grandpa and I ended up going to counseling because I have this horrible feeling in a few times raged on him that I thought he was cheating counseling the whole time I was going to find out eventually STDs England my life I cannot tell you how ugly and disgusting I feel thinking about how needy I looked and how badly he treated me for most of the


This is deep. I need to read it about a million more times.


Thank you Melanie, for linking on this and bringing it back again.

Much of THIS is so similar to my inner world, my mindset, what my thinking was like, esp those last years of my marriage. I had LOST myself. I couldn’t understand how I changed from being so competent and respected into such a loser stupid woman who was scapegoated, to whom it was okay to assault and ridicule and undermine and sabotage… not for anything I actually did but because of what HE said I was.

He lied. For this times he told a thread of truth, it was a set up to a LIE. I came to realize he NEVER stopped testing to ascertain what he could scam out of people… sometimes they didn’t mind being scammed, he was entertaining. But to me, and the most precious being of my world, he is nothing short of a monster.

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