UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Genevieve79.” She explains the Crazymaking One-Liner.
I’ve reached the age of 30 having been on the receiving end of a number of personality disordered individuals, mostly female but the odd male too. I spent (wasted?!) my twenties ducking and diving these people, even changing career direction several times, because I didn’t know how else to deal with them.
As I approach my 31st birthday I think I have finally begun to crack it! These people are actually very predictable if we know how to spot them early on. An experience with yet another one on a professional forum this weekend gave me the most tremendous Eureka moment.
I want to tell you all about what I call The Crazymaking One-Liner.
The Crazymaking One-Liner
The Crazymaking One-Liner is possibly the biggest warning sign you’ll ever have at the beginning of your dalliance with a sociopath. How you deal with it can determine the rest of your experience with them.
When I look back over my experiences with these personalities, they all have this in common and their primary goal is to antagonise, not communicate. They want a fight — I believe it is excess inward anger that makes them what they are, they hate everybody and everything deep down but at the same time feel a deep need and sense of entitlement to have/own/control everybody and everything they want.
So what is this Crazymaking One-Liner of which I speak? It is the enigmatic sound bite that seemingly comes from nowhere, it is the single sentence that makes those of us who are healthy go “WTF?!” It is the one-line statement that simply has no answer and we are left rummaging around in our heads trying to figure out what they are on about, whilst simultaneously searching for something to say in response.
It is at this moment that, depending on our response, determines the rest of our experience with them. It is usually a criticism, though I’m sure not always.
I am not kidding when I tell you that every single sociopathic individual I have ever encountered (mostly female as I say) has had this trait — this tendency — to come out with sound bites that leave you wondering what they’re getting at and what you’re supposed to say in response.
How do you feel?
A fantastic way to identify if you are being fed a big juicy Crazymaking One-Liner is to focus on how it makes you feel when you hear it. The Crazymaking One Liner will make you feel (usually in order)
STAGE ONE
Completely bewildered “Where did that come from?”
Completely uncertain “How is one supposed to answer that?”
Completely confused “What are they getting at?”
AND THEN…
STAGE TWO
Suddenly motivated before the other party says any more to anticipate where it came from, how one should answer and what they are getting at. At this point most of us who are healthy will automatically react, open up the lines of communication and start over explaining ourselves! At this point the psycho has won. We’ve let them in, we’ve opened the floodgates and very soon after that we’ll find ourselves under attack and usually engaged in a fullscale argument/fight with them. Because that is what they wanted all along.
Asserting ourselves
I’ve found often, that once we briefly but directly assert ourselves and refuse to be attacked, as I eventually did with the person on the forum (see the examples below) calling them out for being personal, they will backpedal pretty quickly. That person wrote a post in response saying how it wasn’t meant to be personal and the tone seemed like they wanted to make amends. Haven’t heard from them since despite posting an ‘Ok’ in reply and sending a nice email privately.
This is not unusual with this type of personality. So, after they backpedal, don’t expect them to want to make amends with you when you tell them you accept their apology and wish to get back to normal. You’ll find yourself sent to Coventry, ignored, possibly even blocked by them. All lines of communication, like at the very beginning of the dalliance, with their use of The Crazymaking One-Liner, are suddenly once again closed down. That’s happened every single time to me with each different psycho. Possibly they do this because you have won and they don’t want you rubbing their nose in it! Besides, they never wanted to be your friend/have a healthy connection with you in the first place. It wasn’t a genuine disagreement between two human beings, leading to a peaceful resolution; it was a weird little game played out by the psycho which tends to come to an abrupt halt when you refuse to play anymore!
So, when we hear The Crazymaking One-Liner, how must we respond? Yep, you guessed it with another one liner!!!
The Blessed Phrase of Salvation
Allow me to introduce you to The Blessed Phrase Of Salvation! It is, quite simply
“What do you mean?” (“..by that?” is optional)
I will illustrate the wise use of The Blessed Phrase of Salvation with examples!
1) On A Discussion Forum to me: “I think you’re way oversimplifying the situation Genevieve” Full Stop!
May not seem too bad at first glance but think about it — most people would explain themselves with “because,” especially on a written forum when, unlike normal conversation, you have full chance to say your piece. Why waste all that comment space? But not your personality disordered individual! Instead of leaving my response at “Why do you say that?” and making them explain themselves, I made the mistake all healthy people do by going into a spiel and explaining why I wasn’t oversimplifying! Every response from them after that was pretty much an attack, and very personal at that. I let them in, you see.
Likewise with others I have seen the exact same pattern unfold. It starts with a one-line criticism that has a limited possible response and as soon as we over respond they have got us.
How about an example in the real world?
2) At Work with someone in authority over me. Sitting in silence, alone with her. I was working; she was working. Out of the blue with her back to me, she suddenly says in a threatening voice, “They’re monitoring the amount of work you and your colleagues do, you know” Full Stop!
What is a person supposed to say to that? In the real world we have the benefit of tone of voice but if we’re savvy we can pick up the same snarky tone online as well. I made the mistake of under responding here I stayed quiet because I lacked confidence at the time. She was basically implying I was not working hard enough when the truth was I wasn’t being given enough to do.
What I should have said was, like the previous one, “What do you mean by that?” I should have briefly but directly challenged her statement, her Crazymaking One-Liner. My inadequate response that day helped seal my fate in that employment — the same woman’s behaviour towards me escalated to the point that she had effectively bullied me out of my job by a year later.
3) The Personality Disordered Family Member of a friend, via sms, “Good to know what you truly think of your niece” Full Stop.
How many of us healthy people would instantly start defending ourselves if we received a text like that? Stop! It’s one of those Crazymaking One-Liners again!! You’re dealing with a personality disordered person and they want a fight! Instead, draw them out, remember our Blessed Phrase of Salvation and let them dig their own hole! Because they will. Their Crazymaking One-Liner has no basis in everybody else’s sane reality and The Blessed Phrase of Salvation will very quickly expose that if you put your faith in it!
The family member who received this text message chose to under respond to it (stay quiet!) and the sender then moved on to another family member to have a fight with them. You might think great, but all under responding did was shift the problem close by — it would have been far better for the original recipient to have exorcised the demon straightaway using our trusty Blessed Phrase of Salvation!
Seriously! It works. In fact, to not use it is potentially fatal! Draw them out. Do not over communicate, but do not under communicate either letting them get away with it is also a bad idea. Simply ask them a brief but direct “What do you mean?” and keep asking them questions and drawing them out, don’t go into explaining yourself. Avoid expressing yourself in any big way until they start talking more and even then be very careful. Keep batting the ball back into their court make them explain themselves. Eventually they’ll give up and walk away, finding someone else take their pathological inner anger out on.
Healthy people like us don’t usually make one-liners; we tend to qualify a one-line criticism with some sort of explanation. With personality disordered individuals, they shoot out these weird little sound bites at their targets without any explanation, leaving the listener hanging, wondering what the heck just happened!
Nipping being targeted in the bud
So this is how we spot them, ladies and gentlemen! The Crazymaking One-Liner, in my experience, occurs at the very beginning of the relationship. This can be a platonic, family or romantic relationship it seems to be across the board. The Crazymaking One-Liner is one of the main ways that a sociopath tests us out and draws us in at the start. If we can spot this straightaway, and deal with it as outlined above, the chances of them continuing on to target us further are less.
Don’t worry about any of them reading this and changing their game plan. They have no control over their behaviour — they truly can’t help themselves. They’re all wired pretty much the same way; it’s an impulse. They’re on another planet to the rest of us, and it’s pointless us trying to relate to them like they aren’t. There is now medical evidence to suggest that their brains are actually wired differently to healthy individuals.
Every single one of them I have ever been targeted by in my entire life (going back to age 9 with a school bully!) has been the same way at work, in my family and in education. They even pose in photographs in a similar way! I have noticed that few of them smile, or when they do it is not real somehow; they emanate fakeness, rather like a vampire having no reflection. Watch out for the eyes as well, they can be a real giveaway. You’ll know what I’m getting at when you begin to think about it.
Their predictability is our one consolation. Let us therefore continue to pool our experiences on this site and realise just how much those that have targeted us have in common!
With best wishes,
Genevieve79 xxxx
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
What if you decide to stay with your sociopathic spouse?
Ox,
Every article I read provides some sort of “A-HA” moment of clarity. Re-programming is HARD Ox! As I read some of these articles though, I wonder if I’m not dealing with a Personality Disorder myself. What I’ve learned and am learning about myself, is that I “had” to lie, manipulate and omit, drink, to be in a relationship with him. Almost like I was “infected” with his evil virus. If that makes sense. The crazymaking one liners, oh YEA I know those too! And I so relate to one of the comments posted here about what my Spath did to me constantly. He’d give me some pity potty crap about his ex, his kids or his job and he’d just toss a line out there, such as (regular for him), “I”M SO PISSED”…..I would, of course, ask about what….then I would be told that I wouldn’t understand….and when I TRIED to understand, (even though he wouldn’t give me information about what he was pissed about), I was in BIG trouble!!! It was his entrance to mindfuck me more. I was not understanding, too stupid to get it and how could I do this to HIM and have a nice day!! This happened CONSTANTLY. When I asked for clarification about what he was pissed about, I’d get a change of subject or more belittling….this totally confounded me….he loved doing that. I would be VERY angry or HURT after each one of these conversations and felt totally defeated……but what I didn’t realize is that I gave into the one liner. Every single time, hook, line and sinker, but what I realized is that when someone is upset, angry, isn’t the appropriate response to ask why and want to give comfort or listen to them talk it through for a solution?
Admittedly, I’m confused about a lot of things right now, word games, …I need to stop assuming that someone would have the same care or love that I would, or anyone else that does would, in that there are just some people who CAN”T do that. That is such a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around right now.
Everything is still pretty painful, raw and anger provoking right now. It’s going to take a bit to get past all of this, but I do find reading these articles incredibly helpful in understanding what I was dealing with. And the fallout.
I totally understand about sliding downhill, Ox. The being on a diet analogy is right on! I’ve been trying to extricate myself for over a year now. Off and on. Each time, my resolve was stronger to get out, but yet at the same time, everytimeI gave into the pity play or the sucking up, the next D and D was ten times worse.
Just so much to think about and through. Getting to some root issues from childhood too. VEry painful.
Change is so hard. But in some weird way, Ox, I feel relieved that at least I can try, at least I can do it. These people never can. And that is very sad. Not just for them, but for every life that will be damaged by these people.
Ox…….what is your spiritual perspective on the existence of these people? Are there some scriptures I can read that would be particularly helpful? What do you think happens to these people when they die? If you’re one who believes in heaven and hell? How do you think God sees this? Aren’t we all “evil” to some extent, ie: we do things to hurt others with our choices, are the differences with regards to intent? Purposeful or not?
How do you get your faith back after all of this?
Dear Lesson learned,
I remember being afraid of God (as presented by my egg donor) by an early age 5-6-7 years old, and wondering how I would squeek by into heaven by asking forgiveness at the moment of my death, and worrying that I wouldn’t be FAST enough to say “sorry.” LOL I knew this god that was just waiting to cast me into hell was able to read my mind and knew how sinful I was.
As I got older this didn’t make sense to me any more, but I still felt like I had to be perfect to please my egg donor and/or her god. I never managed to be perfect. LOL But I NEVER THOUGHT FOR ONE MOMENT THAT MY DEAR, SAINTLY EGG DONOR WOULD LIE OR DELIBERATELY TRY TO HURT ME. It never crossed my mind, because she gaslighted and twisted the truth and I blamed myself for “misunderstanding” if she told me one thing and then later said something else. I never once thought “Maybe the witch is lying” because it never crossed my mind that she COULD do so.
Then, I CAUGHT HER with a big fat nasty lie in her mouth and I KNEW THE TRUTH. It was a big shock really, but she turned around when I caught her and confronted her lie and said “Well, do you mean you never lied to me?” My answer was “Yea, I did lie to you when I was 15 years old, 40 years AGO!” And she gave me the look of the utter contempt she feels for me.
I realized that she is never going to change. She isn’t a “complete psychopath” but she is not a loving caring mother to me, she is my DNA egg donor. She is out to control me and make me do her bidding, but she isn’t going to burn my house, and she isn’t totally without any empathy, just selective empathy and she IS A BIG ENABLER who is invested in enabling the bad boy in the family NO MATTER WHO ELSE SUFFERS. Her mother enabled her brother, my Uncle Monster, and her mother before her enabled great grandpa the mean as a snake drunk, and on back for several generations behind that. There’s a whole string of them. Abusive males and enabling women.
I refused to take over the role and she is punishing me for it, but it bit her in the ass when my DIL who is a psychopath had an affair with the man sent to kill me and when I got away they STOLE from the egg donor and tried to kill my DIL’s husband, my son C. Well, they got arrested and went to jail/prison, but then when egg donor had no one dancing attendance on her she wanted to “let’s pretend it never happened. and start over.”
NOPE! Not going to happen. Paul says that if our brother offends us we should go and talk to him, and then if that doesn’t work to go back with witnesses and then if that doesn’t work, go to the church. If that doesn’t work, then treat them like a heathen and DON’T EVEN EAT WITH THEM. Now doesn’t that sound like No Contact? Does to me.
Also, egg donor had always insisted that “forgiveness” included trusting that person again though they had not make any sign of remorse. And if I was not willing to “trust them” again and “pretend none of it happened” then I was going to burn in helllllll foreeeeeever! Well, I have been reading the Bible with NEW eyes now, and I see things a bit different than egg donor.
I see forgiveness as getting the bitterness out of our hearts for what the person has done to us, but it does not mean we have to trust them. The story of Joseph is the perfect example of forgiving someone (his brothers) but NOT TRUSTING them until he had TESTED them, that sounds to me like what I am talking about, not “pretending none of this happened.l”
Jesus said “Be ye angry and sin not”–and Jesus got angry at the moneychangers, so I don’t think anger itself it a sin if it is justified, but He also said,, “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” I always thought wrath was just “anger” but it isn’t, it is more than normal anger, it is vengeful ugly anger that hurts US not the person we are angry at. The WRATH eats at us like a cancer if we harbor it for long. So it is a good idea to not harbor “wrath.”
By talking to others of faith, and by reading the Bible myself, and by praying, I am coming to a new understanding in my spiritual walk, not just swallowing the ideas I was fed as a child. I am making up my own mind about what I think about my faith in the God that I believe in. I don’t condemn anyone else’s faith or lack of faith, I just walk in mine and it is comforting to me. My faith was never comforting to me before, but it is now. Also I was very fortunate that my step father was a fine Christian man with a strong faith, and he and I spent a lot of time the last 18 months of his life, and shared our love for each other and our faith. She had him as conned as she did me, but his faith was inspiring and his love and spirit are still with me. If I have a question I don’t know what to do about I can usually say “what would daddy do about that?” Then I can come up with an answer that usually works pretty well.
I think we all question “am I the psychopath?” so don’t feel like you are alone in that, many people here on LF have asked that question. I think though that if you are a psychopath you dont’ ask the question. LOL They do convince us to do things that are against our moral compasses though, and like the Proverb says “evil companions corrupt good morals.” If we hang out with people who do “bad things” we begin to see those as “not all that bad” and to do them ourselves. I’ve been there and done that.
I try now to spend my time with people who are uplifting instead of with people who bring me down to their level. It is easier to do right when you are associating with people who are doing right.
I stay here at love fraud because I learn more each day, and I reinforce the things I learned yesterday, it is a continual process of learning, not just “reaching a spot and saying I’m healed” because There will always I think be a tendency to back slide into the old habits if I dont’ keep reinforcing my learning. Kind of like AA says “ONE DAY AT A TIME.”
Ox,
I’m still a mess. I know that I’m a mess, but I DO want to continue to change it, to work hard at it. I’m very blessed that I have really great friends who are encouraging, supportive and loving. As well as my family.
You’re right. One day at a time for sure!!! The answers are coming…just slowly it feels sometimes….
thanks for sharing your spiritual progress and what it means to you. I actually have more questions for you about that. My daughter and I are going to go spend some time out and away from home for awhile….it’s good to get out and about…
Dear Lesson learned,
It is like peeling an onion, we have called it this here many times. When you get one layer cleared there is another and another, so it takes a while. Sometimes you think you have reached the bottom layer and then you realize you haven’t. The thing is that we learn as we go and each thing we learn makes the next thing to learn easier.
I realized that in the past I thought I was “healed” after dealing with a traumatizing event, but I had not gotten to the bottom layer, and the whole thing wasn’t fixed, I was just vulnerable because I still didn’t realize WHAT had hurt me or WHY, now I am learning that and it makes it easier to start to trust myself.
If you were walking down a path and SOMETHING hit you on the head, but you didn’t see what, what would you think? Maybe An acorn fell? So stay out from under trees and you will be safe. So you stay out from under trees and never again go under a tree, but one day you are walking along and something that you dont’ see hits you in the head. Maybe some kids threw a ball, so you avoid ball parks as well as trees. And so on, but you keep getting hit in the head over and over and over, but you never really learn where it comes from or why, but once you learn that it is a psychopath with a B-B gun, then you start to look for psychopaths and if you see one, you run, but you have to learn what a psychopath looks and ACTS like, and listen to your gut telling you “there is a predator in the area” and so on.
I know that’s not a great analogy but I’m off my form tonight, I’m tired! But my office does have a FLOOR that is not covered with paper now! WHOOPIE and I am down to the smaller piles of stuff to work on. TOWANDA for me!~!!!!
Ox…
You’re the best! It’s okay if you’re off form lol! I understand…
All of this is very overwhelming right now….I’ve read a lot here, vented a lot here already…but it doesn’t take the pain away….it helps me educate myself, but in some ways, things are still so raw that I’m overwhelmed with pain and anger or feeling so much pain for others here who are posting and have not a clue what to say…
I decided that I need to take a COMPLETE break from the internet for a week. No emails, no LF, no FB…just shut it down for a week. I need to truly rest, meditate, pray, read,…be with my family…watch some serious CNN (Even if it’s just breaking news over airport closures due to weather)….I’m so depressed and in so much pain…only a week from tomorrow until I start school again……
I think I need that time to just chill. Without fear of being trolled, without talking about this day in and day out..I might think about it alot…but this can get overwhelming too…..
I see the need and great uses for technology Ox…but right now, I just kinda wish we were all still rotary phones and community face to face oriented………..
Anyway, thank you and to the rest of you who have responded to me. I have been enlightened and blessed. I’ll be back to read more…………just not now.
I”m tired. Working hard in school. IN so much pain, I’ve not taken the break just to be and rest.
Blessings to you all.
Hi lesson…not sure if you will read this before you ‘shut down’. Excellent advice from Ox.
If it helps I shut down for 2 weeks when my spath left. Read and read here for 2 solid weeks. It will soon be 2 months since I kicked him out and blocked him from everywhere – and it’s worked.
So yes, give yourself some space and time to grow in strength – only you will know when the time is right.
Merry X-mas everyone. What an enlightening article. Wish I could have had this knowledge years ago. I had blinders on going into my business partnership and should have seen the signs closer with my POS partner who has taken all the money and made it HIS business, not OURS…. Anyone ever have huge regrets that are in the thousands of dollars?
I was afriad to bring this up before when I regerstered. I’m feeling so stupid and ashamed now. It’s not just an ex girlfriend that is socio. I’m over that. It’s this business partnership that has really got me jacked. Good luck all…. MR.
Mr.Iscrewedup, you are absolutely not alone in this. There are many, many, many who have lost material things here ( just one of many things lost in their involvement ) on Lovefraud. I believe Donna Andersen ( owner of Lovefraud ) herself lost upwards of 200,000 dollars to the Sociopath that entered her life. The Sociopath then apparently used this money to fund his “business trips” around the world, to meet and take advantage of OTHER women. The truth of the situation is that you were preyed on. You couldn’t have helped it, just as you could not help if a shark attacks you- it really is just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The shame you feel is that which should be his, not yours. I feel you on being afraid to bring matters of the involvement up, because of being ashamed, of feeling stupid. I can’t say i’ve been there enough, but it will pass, as you come to terms with it all. Read as much as you can.. check out Snakes in Suits by Robert Hare if you’re inclined towards finding the behaviors of psychopaths in the workplace. Kudos to you above all, for getting out.
My mother herself has lost money to a psychopath ( from a business involvement ) as well. It’s not as uncommon as it seems. ( He was pocketing thousands of dollars behind her back, after she let him into her business ). They really are everywhere. One should not feel ashamed for believing in the good nature of people.. it’s a strength on any other terms, but in a psychopath’s hands, it’s an opportunity.
Mr. Iscrewedup –
Just think of all the victims of Bernie Madoff.
Hi Mriscrewed up – no need to feel ashamed most (if not all) of us have been emotionally and financially abused by our spaths. We are sensible people and we were conned out of our money by a trickster. One who gains our trust, sympathy and affection and it’s only when we reflect that we can see how we were subtly duped by our spath.
For me, I cut my losses (about £20000) but it could have been much worse had it not been for my family and for me standing up to him and going NO CONTACT.
So now I’m gonna run as fast as I can (maybe that’s letting him get away with it) but if I stay I could lose everything if he reappears.
Spath saw everything as HIS not ours, like a spoilt child who would not share toys.
There’s no point in fighting him in court because he did it so cleverly any judge would say I willing gave him the money etc and it would just give him an excuse to be around.
So no thanks, I’ve learned an expensive lesson – won’t be doing that again in a rush!