UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Genevieve79.” She explains the Crazymaking One-Liner.
I’ve reached the age of 30 having been on the receiving end of a number of personality disordered individuals, mostly female but the odd male too. I spent (wasted?!) my twenties ducking and diving these people, even changing career direction several times, because I didn’t know how else to deal with them.
As I approach my 31st birthday I think I have finally begun to crack it! These people are actually very predictable if we know how to spot them early on. An experience with yet another one on a professional forum this weekend gave me the most tremendous Eureka moment.
I want to tell you all about what I call The Crazymaking One-Liner.
The Crazymaking One-Liner
The Crazymaking One-Liner is possibly the biggest warning sign you’ll ever have at the beginning of your dalliance with a sociopath. How you deal with it can determine the rest of your experience with them.
When I look back over my experiences with these personalities, they all have this in common and their primary goal is to antagonise, not communicate. They want a fight — I believe it is excess inward anger that makes them what they are, they hate everybody and everything deep down but at the same time feel a deep need and sense of entitlement to have/own/control everybody and everything they want.
So what is this Crazymaking One-Liner of which I speak? It is the enigmatic sound bite that seemingly comes from nowhere, it is the single sentence that makes those of us who are healthy go “WTF?!” It is the one-line statement that simply has no answer and we are left rummaging around in our heads trying to figure out what they are on about, whilst simultaneously searching for something to say in response.
It is at this moment that, depending on our response, determines the rest of our experience with them. It is usually a criticism, though I’m sure not always.
I am not kidding when I tell you that every single sociopathic individual I have ever encountered (mostly female as I say) has had this trait — this tendency — to come out with sound bites that leave you wondering what they’re getting at and what you’re supposed to say in response.
How do you feel?
A fantastic way to identify if you are being fed a big juicy Crazymaking One-Liner is to focus on how it makes you feel when you hear it. The Crazymaking One Liner will make you feel (usually in order)
STAGE ONE
Completely bewildered “Where did that come from?”
Completely uncertain “How is one supposed to answer that?”
Completely confused “What are they getting at?”
AND THEN…
STAGE TWO
Suddenly motivated before the other party says any more to anticipate where it came from, how one should answer and what they are getting at. At this point most of us who are healthy will automatically react, open up the lines of communication and start over explaining ourselves! At this point the psycho has won. We’ve let them in, we’ve opened the floodgates and very soon after that we’ll find ourselves under attack and usually engaged in a fullscale argument/fight with them. Because that is what they wanted all along.
Asserting ourselves
I’ve found often, that once we briefly but directly assert ourselves and refuse to be attacked, as I eventually did with the person on the forum (see the examples below) calling them out for being personal, they will backpedal pretty quickly. That person wrote a post in response saying how it wasn’t meant to be personal and the tone seemed like they wanted to make amends. Haven’t heard from them since despite posting an ‘Ok’ in reply and sending a nice email privately.
This is not unusual with this type of personality. So, after they backpedal, don’t expect them to want to make amends with you when you tell them you accept their apology and wish to get back to normal. You’ll find yourself sent to Coventry, ignored, possibly even blocked by them. All lines of communication, like at the very beginning of the dalliance, with their use of The Crazymaking One-Liner, are suddenly once again closed down. That’s happened every single time to me with each different psycho. Possibly they do this because you have won and they don’t want you rubbing their nose in it! Besides, they never wanted to be your friend/have a healthy connection with you in the first place. It wasn’t a genuine disagreement between two human beings, leading to a peaceful resolution; it was a weird little game played out by the psycho which tends to come to an abrupt halt when you refuse to play anymore!
So, when we hear The Crazymaking One-Liner, how must we respond? Yep, you guessed it with another one liner!!!
The Blessed Phrase of Salvation
Allow me to introduce you to The Blessed Phrase Of Salvation! It is, quite simply
“What do you mean?” (“..by that?” is optional)
I will illustrate the wise use of The Blessed Phrase of Salvation with examples!
1) On A Discussion Forum to me: “I think you’re way oversimplifying the situation Genevieve” Full Stop!
May not seem too bad at first glance but think about it — most people would explain themselves with “because,” especially on a written forum when, unlike normal conversation, you have full chance to say your piece. Why waste all that comment space? But not your personality disordered individual! Instead of leaving my response at “Why do you say that?” and making them explain themselves, I made the mistake all healthy people do by going into a spiel and explaining why I wasn’t oversimplifying! Every response from them after that was pretty much an attack, and very personal at that. I let them in, you see.
Likewise with others I have seen the exact same pattern unfold. It starts with a one-line criticism that has a limited possible response and as soon as we over respond they have got us.
How about an example in the real world?
2) At Work with someone in authority over me. Sitting in silence, alone with her. I was working; she was working. Out of the blue with her back to me, she suddenly says in a threatening voice, “They’re monitoring the amount of work you and your colleagues do, you know” Full Stop!
What is a person supposed to say to that? In the real world we have the benefit of tone of voice but if we’re savvy we can pick up the same snarky tone online as well. I made the mistake of under responding here I stayed quiet because I lacked confidence at the time. She was basically implying I was not working hard enough when the truth was I wasn’t being given enough to do.
What I should have said was, like the previous one, “What do you mean by that?” I should have briefly but directly challenged her statement, her Crazymaking One-Liner. My inadequate response that day helped seal my fate in that employment — the same woman’s behaviour towards me escalated to the point that she had effectively bullied me out of my job by a year later.
3) The Personality Disordered Family Member of a friend, via sms, “Good to know what you truly think of your niece” Full Stop.
How many of us healthy people would instantly start defending ourselves if we received a text like that? Stop! It’s one of those Crazymaking One-Liners again!! You’re dealing with a personality disordered person and they want a fight! Instead, draw them out, remember our Blessed Phrase of Salvation and let them dig their own hole! Because they will. Their Crazymaking One-Liner has no basis in everybody else’s sane reality and The Blessed Phrase of Salvation will very quickly expose that if you put your faith in it!
The family member who received this text message chose to under respond to it (stay quiet!) and the sender then moved on to another family member to have a fight with them. You might think great, but all under responding did was shift the problem close by — it would have been far better for the original recipient to have exorcised the demon straightaway using our trusty Blessed Phrase of Salvation!
Seriously! It works. In fact, to not use it is potentially fatal! Draw them out. Do not over communicate, but do not under communicate either letting them get away with it is also a bad idea. Simply ask them a brief but direct “What do you mean?” and keep asking them questions and drawing them out, don’t go into explaining yourself. Avoid expressing yourself in any big way until they start talking more and even then be very careful. Keep batting the ball back into their court make them explain themselves. Eventually they’ll give up and walk away, finding someone else take their pathological inner anger out on.
Healthy people like us don’t usually make one-liners; we tend to qualify a one-line criticism with some sort of explanation. With personality disordered individuals, they shoot out these weird little sound bites at their targets without any explanation, leaving the listener hanging, wondering what the heck just happened!
Nipping being targeted in the bud
So this is how we spot them, ladies and gentlemen! The Crazymaking One-Liner, in my experience, occurs at the very beginning of the relationship. This can be a platonic, family or romantic relationship it seems to be across the board. The Crazymaking One-Liner is one of the main ways that a sociopath tests us out and draws us in at the start. If we can spot this straightaway, and deal with it as outlined above, the chances of them continuing on to target us further are less.
Don’t worry about any of them reading this and changing their game plan. They have no control over their behaviour — they truly can’t help themselves. They’re all wired pretty much the same way; it’s an impulse. They’re on another planet to the rest of us, and it’s pointless us trying to relate to them like they aren’t. There is now medical evidence to suggest that their brains are actually wired differently to healthy individuals.
Every single one of them I have ever been targeted by in my entire life (going back to age 9 with a school bully!) has been the same way at work, in my family and in education. They even pose in photographs in a similar way! I have noticed that few of them smile, or when they do it is not real somehow; they emanate fakeness, rather like a vampire having no reflection. Watch out for the eyes as well, they can be a real giveaway. You’ll know what I’m getting at when you begin to think about it.
Their predictability is our one consolation. Let us therefore continue to pool our experiences on this site and realise just how much those that have targeted us have in common!
With best wishes,
Genevieve79 xxxx
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
What if you decide to stay with your sociopathic spouse?
Totally off topic….
I want to share a deposition of a man (a GF’s STBex) a man I have been trying to figure out (for my own purposes) to ‘test’ my radar.
I guess the intrigue was that before he foolishly left the RX bandaid on his ass and announced he had STD’s….and the shot was for his treatments and the bandaid was from the nurse who injected him in ass…….but right before this came to light….of him having unprotected sex for years with Crack whores downtown…..
Before all this came out….I was trying to figure out a ‘man recipe’….like we do…..
I told my GF that I wanted to find a ‘nice’ quiet guy like her hubbiepoo. I used him as my example….
He’s very boring, quiet and mostly appeasing, total dork, can hold a conversation, but not the ‘life of the party’ by any stretch (like the ex S).
BUT I CALL HIM A SLEEPER! Like a sleeper sociopath…..he creeps up on you through the back door…..
he is a person you would NEVER suspect his private life…..
Closet druggie, We are pretty sure our ex’s have had sex TOGETHER…..trolls around downtown on scum row getting sex in hotel parking lots from the bottom of the barrel, he’s a gambler, a risk taker, porn addict and a sex addict.
He’s as nasty and covert as they come…but you would NEVER suspect.
He is the poster child for what NOT to marry or date…
I read every word of this deposition and it was clear how and when he lies….her and I spoke about it and I pointed out where he backed himself into a corner.
He was VERY specific about some things…..overly so…..went on and on….being VERY helpful and informative…..
and on other things like questioning his spending and expenses he was knocked up. Then offered the smoke screen…..and in unison with his attorney…..when attorney saw the direction, she misdirected it by placing a document that intrigued the other attorney in front of him……he was distracted and the questioning changed direction…..
It was like Sociipathic tag teaming.
Very interesting, but the crux of it confirms for me…..
THAT there really is a very, very different way to confront these folks legally…..and you just gotta be prepped and ready for every angle.
This case is due to go to trial on Monday…..there is a chance it might settle…..BUT it’s gonna have to be from the ‘other side’….
It is interesting for me to see this case and read the docs and hear play by play for almost 1.5 years…..how so much of divorce is ‘routine’, but the hangups with Cluster B’s are classic.
I’d love to study others divorces to fine tune the PROCESS of it in my research…..
Look at documents, hear stories and draw my conclusion.
I think there really is a general ‘formula’ to divorcing these people…..STARTING with planning on years of the process…..if you can get out sooner…great…..but it’s the long haul mindset we must have going in!!
It’s not as straight forward as just ‘telling the truth’……it’s HOW you tell the truth.
We must go into divorcing a sociopath in our very best covert sociopathic form!!!!!
How about these gems for CRAZYMAKING?
After a couple of months: “I know you better than you know yourself.”
After 6 months: “Your PERCEPTIONS of yourself are flawed. I see the true you.”
“YOUR FATAL FLAW is you can’t take criticism.”
After 8 months and MUCH abuse: “I can’t let go and trust to love you the way you want because you won’t fully trust me. Therefore it’s all your fault that I can’t trust you.”
[WHAT???!!!!]
Me: “This is not me. I am not myself with you. I have never acted like this. This is wrong.”
Him: “You’re fooling yourself. This IS you. This is the true you. You need to think of yourself as good but your’re not. Look at what you’ve done.”
Yeah..uhu….Look at what I’ve done alright.
Erin they come in all kinds of packages – druggies are not just the down and outs, but include members of every strata in society – some that shock people too. Feel sorry for your friend – t his guy sounds like a real winner (not!) – maybe you could give her the link to this site for support.
Icanseeclearly – for me the ‘love’ lines were the big hooks too. I feel really dumb admitting that because his behaviour said ‘I hate you’ really clearly, yet for some reason I got sucked in again and again by the declarations (while looking me dead in the eye) of undying love, remorse and sorrow. What kind of person can look you in the eyes and lie to you about something that important?
It sickens me to think of how he lied when I presented clear evidence that things ‘weren;t working out’ – of course he did – things were working out just fine for him. It was me who was desperately unhappy and he managed every time to make me feel guilty for this totally legitimate feeling. What a bastard. I have changed his name on my phone to a series of expletives
Polly – LMAO at the name
I think you know that you shouldn’t feel dumb about getting sucked in. We all did. They’re not normal. We weren’t prepared for that.
The kind of person who can look someone in the eye and lie about love is an empty person who will NEVER know love. They are the pathetic ones.
(((hugs)))
You know what I mean though – I had that little faith in my own perceptions that after standing up for them for a while, I folded to his ‘No nothing is wrong with us – this is a great relationship and I love you lots’. I found some writing from years ago tonight and although I didn’t know at that stage I was being badly abused, the writing has a surprising clarity.
I know I didn;t fold easily when trying to make my point and stick up for my rights. I got quite vociferous about it. But his refusal to talk meant that eventually the next day came and we both had to go to work and the matter usually got lost.
“Elizabeth,
Thank Genevieve. It’s her article, and I think it’s brilliant. ”
I stand corrected.
Thank You Genevieve. Truly, it is brilliant!
Genevieve
Eureka!!! The crazy making one liner no more! I declare not one will get past me, and I actually look forward to one of them so I can test out the ” what do you mean?” protective answer
I remember doing this at the end of the “dance” with the P and he would NOT BE DRAWN OUT he would go silent and ignore my probe by changing the subject with a cheery cover up let’s go shopping etc. I would be lead away by the hand with a smile and promise of a great day with him….(All the shopping by the way would always end up on my credit card!!!)
i’m Stayingsane..changed the name to bulletproof because I AM ARMED with the wonderful information from this site and it really is working for me on all levels as I deal with personality disordered folk on a daily basis.
I love the notion of holding the power when someone has shot you with a crazy making one liner (my parents were brilliant at them , and I would in shame try and explain myself till I cried) but no more. I will never assume anyone EVER AGAIN is worthy of my explanation/justification whatever…I will draw them out and if they will not come out they are not worthy of my openess, end of conversation. Energy conserved. well being protected. Eureka!
Thanks Genevieve
Dear icanseeclearly,
After a couple of months: “I know you better than you know yourself.”
If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard this, I would be dining with Donald Trump tonite because I would be that rich! He STILL tries to use this one. It’s usually followed by the beginnings of a speech on my inabilities and how he can “fix” those. NOT. I cut him off in mid-sentence. His lines are so old, I could sit there with him and say EXACTLY the same thing he would be saying to me. Of course, then he would turn THAT around and say great minds think alike and of course, we’re meant for each other. Blah, blah, blah…
recovering, I’ve used it a lot and I think what it basically does is put everything on the other person’s shoulders. I know when I said it to my ex, he would then become frustrated and start the ranting which was nothing but dribble because he had NOTHING to back up these stupid statements.
Ox, I love what you said about it coming back to bite you in the arse. This has been a bitter lesson for me. You know, as many do, that my ex had almost my entire family buying his BS. A lot of his garbage came from something I HAD SAID, but it was twisted and turned and entirely believable for someone who didn’t really know him. I give NOTHING away now. NC is the best there is for this. I had my restraining order continued just yesterday so that he can’t pull this. I was getting far too many messages about our son that were really just a lead in for what he really wants; he is still apologizing for robbing my family blind which translates to: Will everyone please go back to the way it was before and believe my BS? I know EXACTLY what he’s pulling. Ain’t gonna work.
pollyanna, I do believe I’m going to treat myself to a tattoo, on my butt…oh, I am rolling on that one!
Bulletprooof I had that same experience of trying to draw him out – as if he was worth it! Same for me … if someone doesn’t willingly share about themselves then I am off.
Cat I got all those lines too
Hi all,
I’m so glad you found my article helpful and thanks to Donna for publishing it.
Mad isn’t it how so many of us have experienced the one liner! They quite literally are ‘fishing’ for a response and the more info we give the deeper we get ourselves in and the more they get their jollies.
Love the other examples people have given as well.
Big hugs to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx