UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Genevieve79.” She explains the Crazymaking One-Liner.
I’ve reached the age of 30 having been on the receiving end of a number of personality disordered individuals, mostly female but the odd male too. I spent (wasted?!) my twenties ducking and diving these people, even changing career direction several times, because I didn’t know how else to deal with them.
As I approach my 31st birthday I think I have finally begun to crack it! These people are actually very predictable if we know how to spot them early on. An experience with yet another one on a professional forum this weekend gave me the most tremendous Eureka moment.
I want to tell you all about what I call The Crazymaking One-Liner.
The Crazymaking One-Liner
The Crazymaking One-Liner is possibly the biggest warning sign you’ll ever have at the beginning of your dalliance with a sociopath. How you deal with it can determine the rest of your experience with them.
When I look back over my experiences with these personalities, they all have this in common and their primary goal is to antagonise, not communicate. They want a fight — I believe it is excess inward anger that makes them what they are, they hate everybody and everything deep down but at the same time feel a deep need and sense of entitlement to have/own/control everybody and everything they want.
So what is this Crazymaking One-Liner of which I speak? It is the enigmatic sound bite that seemingly comes from nowhere, it is the single sentence that makes those of us who are healthy go “WTF?!” It is the one-line statement that simply has no answer and we are left rummaging around in our heads trying to figure out what they are on about, whilst simultaneously searching for something to say in response.
It is at this moment that, depending on our response, determines the rest of our experience with them. It is usually a criticism, though I’m sure not always.
I am not kidding when I tell you that every single sociopathic individual I have ever encountered (mostly female as I say) has had this trait — this tendency — to come out with sound bites that leave you wondering what they’re getting at and what you’re supposed to say in response.
How do you feel?
A fantastic way to identify if you are being fed a big juicy Crazymaking One-Liner is to focus on how it makes you feel when you hear it. The Crazymaking One Liner will make you feel (usually in order)
STAGE ONE
Completely bewildered “Where did that come from?”
Completely uncertain “How is one supposed to answer that?”
Completely confused “What are they getting at?”
AND THEN…
STAGE TWO
Suddenly motivated before the other party says any more to anticipate where it came from, how one should answer and what they are getting at. At this point most of us who are healthy will automatically react, open up the lines of communication and start over explaining ourselves! At this point the psycho has won. We’ve let them in, we’ve opened the floodgates and very soon after that we’ll find ourselves under attack and usually engaged in a fullscale argument/fight with them. Because that is what they wanted all along.
Asserting ourselves
I’ve found often, that once we briefly but directly assert ourselves and refuse to be attacked, as I eventually did with the person on the forum (see the examples below) calling them out for being personal, they will backpedal pretty quickly. That person wrote a post in response saying how it wasn’t meant to be personal and the tone seemed like they wanted to make amends. Haven’t heard from them since despite posting an ‘Ok’ in reply and sending a nice email privately.
This is not unusual with this type of personality. So, after they backpedal, don’t expect them to want to make amends with you when you tell them you accept their apology and wish to get back to normal. You’ll find yourself sent to Coventry, ignored, possibly even blocked by them. All lines of communication, like at the very beginning of the dalliance, with their use of The Crazymaking One-Liner, are suddenly once again closed down. That’s happened every single time to me with each different psycho. Possibly they do this because you have won and they don’t want you rubbing their nose in it! Besides, they never wanted to be your friend/have a healthy connection with you in the first place. It wasn’t a genuine disagreement between two human beings, leading to a peaceful resolution; it was a weird little game played out by the psycho which tends to come to an abrupt halt when you refuse to play anymore!
So, when we hear The Crazymaking One-Liner, how must we respond? Yep, you guessed it with another one liner!!!
The Blessed Phrase of Salvation
Allow me to introduce you to The Blessed Phrase Of Salvation! It is, quite simply
“What do you mean?” (“..by that?” is optional)
I will illustrate the wise use of The Blessed Phrase of Salvation with examples!
1) On A Discussion Forum to me: “I think you’re way oversimplifying the situation Genevieve” Full Stop!
May not seem too bad at first glance but think about it — most people would explain themselves with “because,” especially on a written forum when, unlike normal conversation, you have full chance to say your piece. Why waste all that comment space? But not your personality disordered individual! Instead of leaving my response at “Why do you say that?” and making them explain themselves, I made the mistake all healthy people do by going into a spiel and explaining why I wasn’t oversimplifying! Every response from them after that was pretty much an attack, and very personal at that. I let them in, you see.
Likewise with others I have seen the exact same pattern unfold. It starts with a one-line criticism that has a limited possible response and as soon as we over respond they have got us.
How about an example in the real world?
2) At Work with someone in authority over me. Sitting in silence, alone with her. I was working; she was working. Out of the blue with her back to me, she suddenly says in a threatening voice, “They’re monitoring the amount of work you and your colleagues do, you know” Full Stop!
What is a person supposed to say to that? In the real world we have the benefit of tone of voice but if we’re savvy we can pick up the same snarky tone online as well. I made the mistake of under responding here I stayed quiet because I lacked confidence at the time. She was basically implying I was not working hard enough when the truth was I wasn’t being given enough to do.
What I should have said was, like the previous one, “What do you mean by that?” I should have briefly but directly challenged her statement, her Crazymaking One-Liner. My inadequate response that day helped seal my fate in that employment — the same woman’s behaviour towards me escalated to the point that she had effectively bullied me out of my job by a year later.
3) The Personality Disordered Family Member of a friend, via sms, “Good to know what you truly think of your niece” Full Stop.
How many of us healthy people would instantly start defending ourselves if we received a text like that? Stop! It’s one of those Crazymaking One-Liners again!! You’re dealing with a personality disordered person and they want a fight! Instead, draw them out, remember our Blessed Phrase of Salvation and let them dig their own hole! Because they will. Their Crazymaking One-Liner has no basis in everybody else’s sane reality and The Blessed Phrase of Salvation will very quickly expose that if you put your faith in it!
The family member who received this text message chose to under respond to it (stay quiet!) and the sender then moved on to another family member to have a fight with them. You might think great, but all under responding did was shift the problem close by — it would have been far better for the original recipient to have exorcised the demon straightaway using our trusty Blessed Phrase of Salvation!
Seriously! It works. In fact, to not use it is potentially fatal! Draw them out. Do not over communicate, but do not under communicate either letting them get away with it is also a bad idea. Simply ask them a brief but direct “What do you mean?” and keep asking them questions and drawing them out, don’t go into explaining yourself. Avoid expressing yourself in any big way until they start talking more and even then be very careful. Keep batting the ball back into their court make them explain themselves. Eventually they’ll give up and walk away, finding someone else take their pathological inner anger out on.
Healthy people like us don’t usually make one-liners; we tend to qualify a one-line criticism with some sort of explanation. With personality disordered individuals, they shoot out these weird little sound bites at their targets without any explanation, leaving the listener hanging, wondering what the heck just happened!
Nipping being targeted in the bud
So this is how we spot them, ladies and gentlemen! The Crazymaking One-Liner, in my experience, occurs at the very beginning of the relationship. This can be a platonic, family or romantic relationship it seems to be across the board. The Crazymaking One-Liner is one of the main ways that a sociopath tests us out and draws us in at the start. If we can spot this straightaway, and deal with it as outlined above, the chances of them continuing on to target us further are less.
Don’t worry about any of them reading this and changing their game plan. They have no control over their behaviour — they truly can’t help themselves. They’re all wired pretty much the same way; it’s an impulse. They’re on another planet to the rest of us, and it’s pointless us trying to relate to them like they aren’t. There is now medical evidence to suggest that their brains are actually wired differently to healthy individuals.
Every single one of them I have ever been targeted by in my entire life (going back to age 9 with a school bully!) has been the same way at work, in my family and in education. They even pose in photographs in a similar way! I have noticed that few of them smile, or when they do it is not real somehow; they emanate fakeness, rather like a vampire having no reflection. Watch out for the eyes as well, they can be a real giveaway. You’ll know what I’m getting at when you begin to think about it.
Their predictability is our one consolation. Let us therefore continue to pool our experiences on this site and realise just how much those that have targeted us have in common!
With best wishes,
Genevieve79 xxxx
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
What if you decide to stay with your sociopathic spouse?
Rosa, that book the Gaslight effect is GREAT!!!! I just finished it too.
Another one word response to them though is “Weelllll?” sort of strung out. Ann Landers (a love-lorn columist) used to say ask them back “Now, why on earth would you say(ask) something like THAT?”
What ever you do though, defending ourselves from them is the WRONG thing to do, and that is MY “natural” response, but I’/m learning and getting less knee-jerk about defending myself.
Yes, OxDrover.
I got a lot of great tips & insights from that book.
Oxdrover;
I think you are heading the right direction and here are some ideas.
First, I need to admit that I am a risk taker, including involvement in risky sports — mountain biking. I love going to new places and trying new activities. However, none of this is extreme enough to be overly dangerous. I had a career on Wall Street, albeit back-office and had a reputation as somebody who gets things done, but with impeccable honesty and a concern for doing the right thing, politics aside and I was known to ruffle a few feathers.
When I met Jamie, I was finally over a major depressive episode. On my second night out with him, I alluded to this and he told me he had been through depression himself. I told him that despite some difficult times, I was no longer depressed. I then took a word from my favorite song. I told him I might be a bit “disillusioned”, but I was not depressed and looking forward to the future. The name of that song, by the band Incubus, is Rogues.
Jamie texted me: “Are you a rogue? I like rogues…” That’s when I really began thinking I found somebody with whom I had a real soul-mate connection.
Jamie is actually a quiet, introverted person. He is only 5’8″ and slim. I am 6′ tall, muscular and very energetic when I feel good. Jamie somewhat intimidated by intensity.
In many ways we were compliments to each other. His quietness had a calming affect on me and I had the external characteristic he likes – Mojo.
Being that his profile is so immature and juvenile, I can only conclude, as you do, that Jamie was targeting younger, sleazy guys. Look at some of his words on his profile: “passed out”, “beer”, “mojo”, “boys”, “bars”, “munchies”, “scallies”, “sleep”. In fact, his words don’t say anything but that he is incredibly immature. It is the 1000 or so profile questions and tests that are telling: kinky, jealous and untrusting yet longing for a loving, monogamous relationship.
Until I saw pictures of him on Facebook that were taken the weekend we met, I did not realize how depressed Jamie was. There is one very, very sad picture of him taken just before our third date. In that picture, over his right shoulder, in the distance, is my apartment building. There is only picture from that trip in which he appears remotely happy. This picture is still his Facebook profile picture. It was taken the day we met. You can see why all of this was so hard for me.
One other thing is important. Early on, I told Jamie that I had no judgements on somebody’s past, that any attractive gay male in his 30s was going to have some sexual history. I told him that there were periods in my life when I was very promiscuous, not something that I was proud of but it happened. Jamie said little about his past other than saying he once went through a “kid in candy shop…” phase. I also told him that those days were over and I was looking for something real, lasting and honest. I was not looking for a fairy-tale romance.
You could see how an HIV+ person, perhaps with a sordid past might resonant hearing such. And because I was sick, maybe he thought, or even hoped, that I was HIV+ as well.
Thus, when we met Jamie was depressed and lonely, longing for a relationship.
I am upbeat and optimistic. I am a bit of a rogue and have mojo. I am a couple steps up on him and his friends. And I do not look my age. Why wouldn’t he give it a go?
Everything I know about Jamie is consistent with a sociopath, starting with the most significant trait, lack of remorse. He has the family background — single parent, poor, urban. He drinks heavily, is promiscuous an into kinky sex. He is externally charming yet glib. He even has the eyes and the stare. He is covertly aggressive, manipulative and shifts blame.
However, he is simply not violent and controls his angry well. He is not criminal nor an egregious liar, at least not to me.
If he wanted just sex, he could have had that. He wanted something more, but the *type* of sex was part of it. Perhaps, as you suggest, he wanted kinky, unsafe sex wrapped in an upscale package and he knew he was not going to get that from me and lost interest? Maybe he felt that once I found out everything about him, I reject him and he was trying to spare himself hurt? Maybe my buzz wore off as he met somebody else, a real scally with whom he was having the kind of sex that turns him on?
Sociopaths attract you with their mirroring and pity play, they hook you with intermittent reward, and when they leave your head is spinning looking for answers that will never come, because they will never be truly honest.
“You could see how an HIV+ person, perhaps with a sordid past might resonant hearing such. And because I was sick, maybe he thought, or even hoped, that I was HIV+ as well.
If he wanted just sex, he could have had that. He wanted something more, but the *type* of sex was part of it. Perhaps, as you suggest, he wanted kinky, unsafe sex wrapped in an upscale package and he knew he was not going to get that from me and lost interest?”
Blue eyes…my dinner’s is in the oven, and I was going to click on ebay, but I saw this.
This is very hard, but let me tell you a story. I was a very pretty girl in high school, but I had a problem socializing…always did. Then, I saw this incredible boy. 6’2″ italian, BIG mouth….seeexy. I was floored…a floored virgin. We connected, almost married, didn’t because I got some bearings at 18 and moved to Houston. All the girls thought he was sexy, and checked it out. I found out they checked it out. I was gone.
Let’s fast forward 30 years. Connected again. This gal never fell out of love with her first…(never have). Started slow and sweet again. No sex. He told me finally he was HIV+. Handled like a trooper. Went to his doctor with him. Had safe sex a couple of times. He had a difficult time…worried about it. Didn’t care, loved him, fed him, nurtured him. Wasn’t difficult anymore..still safe, though.
Yeah..along with another lady, I found out. Met her, too. Blew him off…cried for 3 months (cried hard and long) for my lost love. What he wanted was a harem to take care of him when he died. Very hard. I will always miss him. But, he was not a sociopath, but he was a user.
Don’t know if he is gone or not, but he was not evil, just scared and selfish. I guess I will meet him again.
Yes, I’ve been tested 3 times. I’m o.k….I was careful.
geesh, bless you sweetheart I’ve got to go eat.
Oh, yeah, the real sociopath was my ‘friend’ thru this heartbreak. He wrangled his way in. I was so broken, I believed the fat ass bastard.
My ex boyfriend was scared and tried to take my heart, my ex-sociopath was evil and tried to take whatever he could get.
I am shaking like a leaf right now…brrrrr.
If my ex boyfriend showed up at my door right this instant, I would cry, fold him in my arms, and make him dinner.
If my ex-sociopath showed up, I would call the cops, hit him with a brick, and pass out.
What does that tell you?
Dear Blue Eyes…forgive me. I got lost in my own long history again. My ex-boyfriend was selfish, but he would never have exposed me to the HIV virus that could kill me. WHO would DO that to you?
A sociopath…you were right all along.
Jazzy:
“What does that tell you? ”
It tells me……
Your a cook and a mason…..AND….
YOUR ON THE RIGHT PATH GIRLFRIEND!!!
🙂
Jazzy If your x sociopath showed up you would call the cops, hit him with a brick and pass out. I remember feeling that way, back when i was in that fog. But now I would hit him with a brick and go fix dinner for myself. But of course sociopaths dont take kindly to gettin hit with bricks and the consequences would prolly land us both in jail. So I just invision doing that and work on my anger issues with him. Two years+ away from him now, and more and more I realize what he was and accept it and work on me and the anger issue’s I have with myself for falling into that trap.
Hi Hens! It wouldn’t be anger at all…I would hit him with a brick because I’m afraid of him. I was certain that he was going to ‘snipe’ me with a bullet through my head through one of my windows. That’s why I was afraid to go out my front door for a year.
It isn’t anger. I will always be afraid of this ‘creature’.