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By | January 20, 2010 22 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The private investigator’s double life

Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who wanted to be referred to as “PI’s ex-wife.”

I am a well-educated, professional, hard-working person. I moved to Utah, a divorcee with four children twenty years ago. All four of my children are college graduates, two of them are masters level, and are productive members of society. At a church function, I met an investigator with the police department and we became friends. He had all the props: his parents were active members of our church, salt of the earth, well-educated and community contributors. A few weeks after we met, HE told me that the police department was giving him a choice to resign or be fired because HE had been “framed”—everyone in the PD was jealous of HIM. Of course, the story was not that direct but was designed in a solemn, gentle, believable-over-dinner kind of way. There were small, sensitive acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, detail-oriented plans to make me feel genuinely loved and appreciated.

Fast-forward 18 years: After finding out HE had been “let go” from a total of four PDs, three of them before we were married, affairs that started within the first year of marriage, endless lies, pornography (online and what he filmed himself), paying one woman almost $40,000 in blackmail money, draining my accounts of $20,000, bilking friends and neighbors out of $$$, setting up a PI business as a front, destroying many families (involving children), being registered in almost every online dating site, funneling $$$ to his sister, exploding in rage with every discovery of deceit (my fault, of course), reminding me that I was to “forgive 70 times 7,” telling me that he was talking with the bishop on a regular basis (when, in fact, it had been only once and just general small talk), leaving for 1-2 weeks at a time when enraged ”¦ blah, blah, blah, I said, “no more”.

We had been “married” for 17 years. He had done the minimal amount of work at home, never once contributed financially to house or utilities because “it was all going back into his business” so that I could retire at a reasonable age. He would, however, bring home dinner on the days that I worked (12 hour shifts) and that was because he has a voracious appetite. He would also take me to work and pick me up which looked really good—the attentive husband, who could then go online to plan his next adventure without fear of the wife walking in, because she had no way home unless she called him.

Because of dishonest practices and unethical behavior, HE has lost his PI license, jobs and has been virtually in hiding for over a year. Several cars have been repossessed and I hear he has filed for bankruptcy (which will be the second time). The $10,000 I paid HIM to go away didn’t go far to impress the woman (and her five children) that he was seeing—while we were still married, of course—and convinced to leave her husband. To date, I understand she has moved three times and two of her children are in foster care. The price to society is staggering and ”¦ this woman has no way of knowing that he can never be monogamous. But she will.


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heartmoonstar

Dear PI-Ex,

Another mask is stripped from the face of someone you meet, someone that seems to be the right person and ends up being oh SO not the right person, indeed a person that you would have run away screaming into the night from, if you had known then what you know now!

What I find to be continually amazing in the stories I read, and my own 26 year marriage. is how we can go for years and decades before realizing the person we trust, with our heart and soul and very life, is a monster in disguise. A monster that plays us, uses us, and then discards us, unless we find the strength and will after being emotionally and mentally squished, to leave them first.

In hindsight, I see the sea of waving red flags, but I refused to recognize them, because I could not grope that fact that I was married to a monster. In fact, the flags that did hit me smack in the face, I tore them down and hid them, because I was embarrassed of what he did, how he treated me, and I continually covered up for him to make him look good. or swept it under the rug and out of my mind just for day to day survival.

Good luck to you, as you are now the one watching and not involved. The final 10K to get rid of him was a bargain!

ErinBrock

Heart….I too had a red flag shoebox….under the bed!

PI….I agre with Heart….10K…..na, na, naaaa…..GOOODBYE….
They expose themself eventually…..just give em time….give em time……

pollyannanomore

Thankyou PI-ex for sharing your story – many of us here have been through similar acts of deceit in fake relationships with these monsters. They have no empathy, no hearts, no guilt, remorse or shame – and they should – what they do is definitely shameful. Instead it is the victims who end up wearing shame when they start to assassinate our characters when they finally go. You are right about everything being your fault – I was the same. It took me more than ten years to see the light and in that time I was repeatedly humiliated, abused, stripped of all dignity and fleeced for every cent I brought into the house.

I think you can only really recognise their patterns over time – and of course they try to prevent us from noticing and bringing up the patterns by saying things like ‘stop living in the past’ or ‘that’s ancient history’ or ‘I’m always to blame aren’t I?” these comments are designed to stop us really recognising the patterns that don’t change over time and to deflect attention away from the sociopath and put the blame on the victim.

I hope you and those near to you are recovering now – as you can see his life has gone from bad to worse without you as a stabilising factor – the same has happened with my ex. I thought lots about taking revenge straight after realising he had abused me and he was a sociopath / psychopath … but we don’t need to. Their life plan or rather lack of it provides adequate defeat and failure for them – they do it all by themselves.

Glad you are here and hope you will post some more of your story and your take on these people after such horrible experiences 🙂

Renewedhope

Poly so true again!
My S woman’s background is unbelievable. She was from a well to do New England family and an only child. Her family gave her privileges and a way to make the rest of her life affluent and happy. But she threw it all away it seems on insisting she live life HER way. She got pregnant at 16 and gave the child up for adoption. She then went on to 3 different husbands and a live in lover before turning”Gay”. Her marriages/ relationships never lasted longer than 5 years. ( with many side lovers in between)Upon doing some checking it appears she had a past of prostitution. She lives her life today with a woman who she claims she hasn’t had sex with in over ten years. The live in lover has borderline behavior disorder and constantly in depression. The S woman is now going into octogenarian mode and can barely survive financially. She survives by placing things on Ebay and her Social security check. That is where the extra people like me have to come in to “Bail” her out.(She Thinks) She depends on the kindness of others and “counts” on that. Her life truly is what she has made it. Yet she complains constantly and dwells on her past wondering “why every person in her past went on with other spouses and is still with that spouse after 15-20 years and longer?”
For 27 years I sympathized with her. But now that I know what she is .. I am reminded of an old phrase my dad said all the time when someone screwed up their life:
” She done shit in her nest!” Indeed my S woman has! Unfortunately she has tried to take everyone else down with her. Thank God I am now living on the outside of that dirty nest and looking in! I no longer have to be a part of it. And I won’t be!

heartmoonstar

Renewedhope says: ” She done shit in her nest!” LOL!!! 😀
Your Dad is indeed a wise man! The only problem is, the N/P/S’s don’t clean up their shit, they just throw it at us because they are never at fault for the messes they create.

pollyannanomore, your assessment is so true. What shocks me though, in my circumstance, is it took me so long to realize what I was living with, I actually became physically sick with Esophageal spasms that would last for hours, the longest being 21 hours. I lost 8 lbs due to dehydration that day, and was ready to call 911…then the spasms relaxed. Cherry Coke never tasted so good!

I think my body was saying to me, If your brain won’t grope that fact that you are living with a monster and do something about it, then I, your body will force you to come to this realization….what a wake up call…

My divorce proceedings are almost over….one more transfer of funds that he owes me and we are done…..or so I thought. The N has given me custody of our minor son’s UTMA account…and I have just found out that the N has been pilfering funds from this account (over 20K) so now I must battle that.

And one last thing, the N and his P gf who is also his lawyer, have been trying to force me to take one half the liability of an out of state lawsuit in which the N is being sued separately for Libelous and Intentional torts. I am not named in the suit. The litigants are seeking a huge judgment (in the double digit millions)…..trial is in less than 2 months. What I have so far is I am not liable for any of this mess that he created for himself, and of course I have consistently denied any liability.

(This leads us back to my first paragraph in my post…. …humongous shit in his own diaper, he is like a two year old throwing it at me and hoping it sticks….gahhhhhh)

Any advice, legal or otherwise, on these two situations would be be greatly appreciated.

Happy happy Sunday!

Renewedhope

Well heart; I would get the best legal advice you could afford and fight them to the hilt! If you aren’t named in the lawsuit I fail to see where they can hang you with anything.

heartmoonstar

Renewed, that is what I have been doing for the past 3 years….

I don’t choose to do this, but I cannot extract myself from this tangled web, and it is financially draining me.

As this is such a complicated situation, and dealing with the ExN and his equally psycho gf/atty triples the anxiety, I guess what I am seeking are some equivalent situations that worked out for the benefit of the person in my position. Like, just anything I can hang on for hope and salvation! 🙁

My SIL related a story to me of some friends of hers. The husband knew he was going to be hit with a lawsuit for insider trading, so he and his wife divorced and put all assets in her name. Lawsuit came and went, he was hit with a huge judgment, but the assets could not be attached, and they continued living together as before for several years. (Unfortunately for him, they had a REAL falling out, and she kicked him out.)

I guess this is just a wait and see type of scenario, to see what comes down, and what I have to fight next. I try to accept that, but it lends itself to a miserable day to day existence.

Renewedhope

Have you checked out http://www.findlaw.com
You can ask your legal questions there on their message board. They have a staff of Lawyers answering your questions. Hope that helps.

Ox Drover

Dear E#x-wife,

Welcome to our world! Sorry you are here, and sorry that you qualify for membership in our “club”—but it is one of the most healing and supportive “clubs” in the world! Glad you are here under the circumstances.

Sorry that you had to go through so much trauma and pain in order to get here. God bless. Keep on reading and learning KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and it helps us to take back our power.

heartmoonstar

Renewed, thanks for the info!

have registered with that site and pulled up relevant posts to read on defamation, before i ask my own questions. Like Oxdrover posted, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

Renewedhope

This Blog is living proof that knowledge is power! heck if it weren’t for me finding out what a sociopath was I may still be in clutches of my exS woman! They call all the shots UNTIL you find out about them..then it’s up to you.

heartmoonstar

Renewed,

thank you for the advice! I posted the following in the Tort section:

~~~~~Hello, I am in need of advice.

My (now Ex) husband was named in a libel tort lawsuit in another state 6 years ago: he allegedly posted libelous statements on a financial message board. I am not named in the lawsuit. I was not aware of the postings until the lawsuit came down, nor would my husband disclose any information to me during our marriage, except that he was being sued.

During our 2 plus years horrific divorce proceedings, he continually tried to “award” me half the liability of this lawsuit, to no avail. This remains in our settlement as a reserved issue.

I have two questions:

If a judgment is served on him after the trial, are my separate property assets at risk from the prosecuting party? the Appeal of 11601 Wilshire Associates v. Helen Grebow seems to support they are not, but I do need clarification if this supports my case.

If No to the first question (i.e. the only attachable assets are my ex-husband’s separate property), does he, the Ex, have legal recourse to sue me for my assets to satisfy a judgment served against him?

Due to the overly litigious nature of our divorce, I have little doubt this will be his next move. I must mention here that his divorce attorney is and has been his girlfriend for over 2 1/2 years.

We live in California. Thank you in advance for your time and insight.~~~~~

And I totally agree with your previous comment! It sounds like you benefited from the LF Knowledge is Power before you took action to “un-clutch” …… I kick myself everyday that I did not find LF until after….with the knowledge gained here I would have done everything differently!

However, I must stress that LF is a lifeline for me…Now I Have Power….no small feat, thanks to LF and all who write and post here….Love you all!!!!!!!!

Renewedhope

Dear Heart;WE LOVE YOU TOO and understand where you are at right now! Come here often to vent and to rest your weary head on our shoulders! I pray that things turn out in your favor exclusively and do keep us updated! YOU ARE an Interesting Read!

ErinBrock

Heart:
Were you married when he posted?

I’m thinking you should protect all assets via either a LLC or a trust.

Keep in mind….I’m NOT an attorney.

You may not be able to do this legally since this issue is reserved in your decree and I assume there is a mutual restraining order on all assets?
I learned that these things have to be litigated at a great expense to prove anything, and if I had to do things over…..I would have drained more accounts……and let him fight me…..IF he could afford it.
Although…..I never needed to…..but thought about it seriously and the mutual financial restraining order stopped me.

I’d check into ‘sheltering’ your assets….or transfering titles to famiy or children/ LLC or trust in a name NOT like….the Smith family trust….
I know someone who named their trust…..
YOU CAN”T FIND THIS TRUST dated yadayada….2009.

It doesn’t show up under any specific name. Pretty snazzy.

Posession is 9/10th…..so I suggest you gather ideas…then consult….and keep in mind your attorney will NEVER tell you to go against court orders…..yet…..we hire attornies for guidance, not final word.

I think your going about it the right way…..your being proactive and thinking ahead….of what COULD happen…..
Because your right…..with a CB…if it could….it will!!!

Quantum Solace

I read these comments with a little bit of jealousy and envy – yes, I shamefully admit that. Getting rid of the P would be the culmination of my life’s dream. Mine doesn’t go away. He’s figured out a way to stretch things to the limit: doesn’t pay bills, does pornography in front of the children, uses the legal system as a weapon of choice, then, doesn’t pay the lawyers, hurts the children but the guy is teflon coated. Nothing and I mean nothing, sticks to him! What rotten SOB luck! At times, I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight and nothing to hold on to. Will this ever end?

heartmoonstar

EB,

Yes, we were married at the time. My assets are real property, an IRA, a Keogh, and another brokerage account held in my name.

There is no restraining order on my assets. Our family law judge denied bifurcation of the lawsuit when the N filed a motion with a stipulation that I agree to be liable for half of any forthcoming Judgment.

The N of course knows the real property, so changing title will not help, as the tax records will reveal how title is held. I have not really explored the benefits of an LLC to hold title….I am thinking it will not help atm, as he would claim I was trying to hide my assets.

I am 99 percent sure my assets are protected from a Judgement against him. Remember, I am not and have never been named in this suit. Refer to the case below:

Here is the case I sited in my first question:

http://74.125.155.132/search?q=cache:GFmRygdqNvMJ:caselaw.findlaw.com/data2/californiastatecases/b107999.doc+11601+Wilshire+Associates+v.+Helen+Grebow&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=firefox-a

The spouses assets, both separate and community, were protected from the judgment, especially note the fact that the marriages were still active and valid.

In my situation, we are divorced and my assets are in my name and not community property.

My MAIN concern, because of the evil nature of the N backed by his P gf/atty, is he will try to sue me for my assets to satisfy a judgment against him, even though he has no legal recourse to do so. I am a target and will continue to be so. He would do the aforementioned not because he has a valid leg to stand on, but for the sheer evil of draining my resources by forcing me to to incur ongoing legal fees.

This is how he gets his pleasure….by punishing me for leaving him and forcing him to divide our assets.

As he so aptly stated “You have destroyed my Empire!” I kid you not, this is what he said to me and he will continue to hunt me down and force me to spend legal fees. What he believes was his “Empire” was NOT half mine, and he will do everything in his power to take it away from me, depleting the value by bleeding it from me.

blueskies

QS – I dont know about you particular story, and I can relate to the feeling where you cant see things getting any better, but they do bit by bit, and I have faith, although sometimes I get tired and angry, that it will one day end… because I am working through it. I hope for you that just coming here and doing the same will be the beginning of a journey for you that will help you start moving away emotionally and physically from whatever is hurting you and taking control of your own life, the direction its going in and who you choose to share it with. Its a long one and tough one though sometimes:( I would give you the same advice I have been given: to read the as many articles as you can here, and start thinking about practical strategies to start making changes, or going NC (No contact)

Quantum Solace

blueskies:

Thank you for the advice and for taking the time to reply to my comment. I just recently found out that the guy is a Narcissist/Psycho/Sociopath (not more than a month ago), although it was like shinning a light on me because it all now makes sense and fits into place, I think that I’m going thru it all over again, mostly, because he’s just dragged me into court for the third time in 11 years. I’ve been dealing with this monster 25 years and he managed to cheat me out of custody so my heart and my wounds never heal. Wherever I go, he finds me and I really can’t ever stray too far because of my children, something he knows. Finding this site and a similar one have only made it worse (for now) as I read the never-ending stories that mirror image mine to the most minute details. I think I feel more hopeless today than on day one.

blueskies

I think a lot of us have experienced what you are describing. The realization of what you are dealing with is so overwhelming…and reading here can be at that stage too even though it’s also extremely validating. Like I said, once you stop reeling, try and think of practical steps to safely break the cycle he’s got you in: there are many people on here who have had experience of co-parenting with someone evil who will give you more helpful insight than I could, and also articles about it. Give yourself some time:) x

heartmoonstar

Quantum,

I agree with blueskies, as I was completely overwhelmed when I found a name for what I always thought was just a mega A**hole. You need to give yourself time to get over the shock of realization that the mask is now off your monster, and you see him with eyes wide open.

OMG finding “Narcissist/P/S” online and realizing THAT was “him” put me into my first major panic attack! But NOW he was named for what he was, and I was validated that it was not me that was the crazy, it was HIM!

As time passes and you gather more and more information about N/P/S’s, you are empowered with the knowledge, and even though you cannot stop what he does and will continue to do, at least you will be well prepared for the battles.

May I ask what why you were just dragged back to court, and the age of your youngest child? My son is 17 (in 11th grade), he was 14 when things blew up, and I am counting the days until he gets out of high school and I can go NC with the N father.

Just hang in here at LF and empower yourself with the people here who KNOW what you are going through!

lostlittlegirl

Heartmoonstar;
You got it right when you said Knowledge is power. If I’d only had the knowledge I have now BEFORE I married my ex. Sad to say, he is working on victim/fiancee #5, who I think has been told she will only be wife #3.
I can’t really do anything because he’s slandered me just like he did the wife before me. She did try to warn me but I believed, as I was told, that she was a loon.
The skillfullness at manipulating people is scarey. Thanks Lovefraud for giving us a place to learn and know we are not alone.

heartmoonstar

LostLG,

Oxdrover and others have said over and over that Knowledge is Power…it bears repeating as it is the truth. It can hurt like hell at first though…when you start finding out the ins, outs and roundabouts of the one you thought loved you…and that it is all an evil hoax.

Renewed, I posted at findlaw 3 days ago…no answer as yet. They prolly don’t want to touch my question with a 10 foot pole….who can blame them….argh.

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