LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The private investigator’s double life

Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who wanted to be referred to as “PI’s ex-wife.”

I am a well-educated, professional, hard-working person. I moved to Utah, a divorcee with four children twenty years ago. All four of my children are college graduates, two of them are masters level, and are productive members of society. At a church function, I met an investigator with the police department and we became friends. He had all the props: his parents were active members of our church, salt of the earth, well-educated and community contributors. A few weeks after we met, HE told me that the police department was giving him a choice to resign or be fired because HE had been “framed”—everyone in the PD was jealous of HIM. Of course, the story was not that direct but was designed in a solemn, gentle, believable-over-dinner kind of way. There were small, sensitive acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, detail-oriented plans to make me feel genuinely loved and appreciated.

Fast-forward 18 years: After finding out HE had been “let go” from a total of four PDs, three of them before we were married, affairs that started within the first year of marriage, endless lies, pornography (online and what he filmed himself), paying one woman almost $40,000 in blackmail money, draining my accounts of $20,000, bilking friends and neighbors out of $$$, setting up a PI business as a front, destroying many families (involving children), being registered in almost every online dating site, funneling $$$ to his sister, exploding in rage with every discovery of deceit (my fault, of course), reminding me that I was to “forgive 70 times 7,” telling me that he was talking with the bishop on a regular basis (when, in fact, it had been only once and just general small talk), leaving for 1-2 weeks at a time when enraged ”¦ blah, blah, blah, I said, “no more”.

We had been “married” for 17 years. He had done the minimal amount of work at home, never once contributed financially to house or utilities because “it was all going back into his business” so that I could retire at a reasonable age. He would, however, bring home dinner on the days that I worked (12 hour shifts) and that was because he has a voracious appetite. He would also take me to work and pick me up which looked really good—the attentive husband, who could then go online to plan his next adventure without fear of the wife walking in, because she had no way home unless she called him.

Because of dishonest practices and unethical behavior, HE has lost his PI license, jobs and has been virtually in hiding for over a year. Several cars have been repossessed and I hear he has filed for bankruptcy (which will be the second time). The $10,000 I paid HIM to go away didn’t go far to impress the woman (and her five children) that he was seeing—while we were still married, of course—and convinced to leave her husband. To date, I understand she has moved three times and two of her children are in foster care. The price to society is staggering and ”¦ this woman has no way of knowing that he can never be monogamous. But she will.

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22 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The private investigator’s double life"

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I think a lot of us have experienced what you are describing. The realization of what you are dealing with is so overwhelming…and reading here can be at that stage too even though it’s also extremely validating. Like I said, once you stop reeling, try and think of practical steps to safely break the cycle he’s got you in: there are many people on here who have had experience of co-parenting with someone evil who will give you more helpful insight than I could, and also articles about it. Give yourself some time:) x


I agree with blueskies, as I was completely overwhelmed when I found a name for what I always thought was just a mega A**hole. You need to give yourself time to get over the shock of realization that the mask is now off your monster, and you see him with eyes wide open.

OMG finding “Narcissist/P/S” online and realizing THAT was “him” put me into my first major panic attack! But NOW he was named for what he was, and I was validated that it was not me that was the crazy, it was HIM!

As time passes and you gather more and more information about N/P/S’s, you are empowered with the knowledge, and even though you cannot stop what he does and will continue to do, at least you will be well prepared for the battles.

May I ask what why you were just dragged back to court, and the age of your youngest child? My son is 17 (in 11th grade), he was 14 when things blew up, and I am counting the days until he gets out of high school and I can go NC with the N father.

Just hang in here at LF and empower yourself with the people here who KNOW what you are going through!

You got it right when you said Knowledge is power. If I’d only had the knowledge I have now BEFORE I married my ex. Sad to say, he is working on victim/fiancee #5, who I think has been told she will only be wife #3.
I can’t really do anything because he’s slandered me just like he did the wife before me. She did try to warn me but I believed, as I was told, that she was a loon.
The skillfullness at manipulating people is scarey. Thanks Lovefraud for giving us a place to learn and know we are not alone.


Oxdrover and others have said over and over that Knowledge is Power…it bears repeating as it is the truth. It can hurt like hell at first though…when you start finding out the ins, outs and roundabouts of the one you thought loved you…and that it is all an evil hoax.

Renewed, I posted at findlaw 3 days ago…no answer as yet. They prolly don’t want to touch my question with a 10 foot pole….who can blame them….argh.


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