Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who wanted to be referred to as “PI’s ex-wife.”
I am a well-educated, professional, hard-working person. I moved to Utah, a divorcee with four children twenty years ago. All four of my children are college graduates, two of them are masters level, and are productive members of society. At a church function, I met an investigator with the police department and we became friends. He had all the props: his parents were active members of our church, salt of the earth, well-educated and community contributors. A few weeks after we met, HE told me that the police department was giving him a choice to resign or be fired because HE had been “framed”—everyone in the PD was jealous of HIM. Of course, the story was not that direct but was designed in a solemn, gentle, believable-over-dinner kind of way. There were small, sensitive acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, detail-oriented plans to make me feel genuinely loved and appreciated.
Fast-forward 18 years: After finding out HE had been “let go” from a total of four PDs, three of them before we were married, affairs that started within the first year of marriage, endless lies, pornography (online and what he filmed himself), paying one woman almost $40,000 in blackmail money, draining my accounts of $20,000, bilking friends and neighbors out of $$$, setting up a PI business as a front, destroying many families (involving children), being registered in almost every online dating site, funneling $$$ to his sister, exploding in rage with every discovery of deceit (my fault, of course), reminding me that I was to “forgive 70 times 7,” telling me that he was talking with the bishop on a regular basis (when, in fact, it had been only once and just general small talk), leaving for 1-2 weeks at a time when enraged ”¦ blah, blah, blah, I said, “no more”.
We had been “married” for 17 years. He had done the minimal amount of work at home, never once contributed financially to house or utilities because “it was all going back into his business” so that I could retire at a reasonable age. He would, however, bring home dinner on the days that I worked (12 hour shifts) and that was because he has a voracious appetite. He would also take me to work and pick me up which looked really good—the attentive husband, who could then go online to plan his next adventure without fear of the wife walking in, because she had no way home unless she called him.
Because of dishonest practices and unethical behavior, HE has lost his PI license, jobs and has been virtually in hiding for over a year. Several cars have been repossessed and I hear he has filed for bankruptcy (which will be the second time). The $10,000 I paid HIM to go away didn’t go far to impress the woman (and her five children) that he was seeing—while we were still married, of course—and convinced to leave her husband. To date, I understand she has moved three times and two of her children are in foster care. The price to society is staggering and ”¦ this woman has no way of knowing that he can never be monogamous. But she will.
Dear PI-Ex,
Another mask is stripped from the face of someone you meet, someone that seems to be the right person and ends up being oh SO not the right person, indeed a person that you would have run away screaming into the night from, if you had known then what you know now!
What I find to be continually amazing in the stories I read, and my own 26 year marriage. is how we can go for years and decades before realizing the person we trust, with our heart and soul and very life, is a monster in disguise. A monster that plays us, uses us, and then discards us, unless we find the strength and will after being emotionally and mentally squished, to leave them first.
In hindsight, I see the sea of waving red flags, but I refused to recognize them, because I could not grope that fact that I was married to a monster. In fact, the flags that did hit me smack in the face, I tore them down and hid them, because I was embarrassed of what he did, how he treated me, and I continually covered up for him to make him look good. or swept it under the rug and out of my mind just for day to day survival.
Good luck to you, as you are now the one watching and not involved. The final 10K to get rid of him was a bargain!
Heart….I too had a red flag shoebox….under the bed!
PI….I agre with Heart….10K…..na, na, naaaa…..GOOODBYE….
They expose themself eventually…..just give em time….give em time……
Thankyou PI-ex for sharing your story – many of us here have been through similar acts of deceit in fake relationships with these monsters. They have no empathy, no hearts, no guilt, remorse or shame – and they should – what they do is definitely shameful. Instead it is the victims who end up wearing shame when they start to assassinate our characters when they finally go. You are right about everything being your fault – I was the same. It took me more than ten years to see the light and in that time I was repeatedly humiliated, abused, stripped of all dignity and fleeced for every cent I brought into the house.
I think you can only really recognise their patterns over time – and of course they try to prevent us from noticing and bringing up the patterns by saying things like ‘stop living in the past’ or ‘that’s ancient history’ or ‘I’m always to blame aren’t I?” these comments are designed to stop us really recognising the patterns that don’t change over time and to deflect attention away from the sociopath and put the blame on the victim.
I hope you and those near to you are recovering now – as you can see his life has gone from bad to worse without you as a stabilising factor – the same has happened with my ex. I thought lots about taking revenge straight after realising he had abused me and he was a sociopath / psychopath … but we don’t need to. Their life plan or rather lack of it provides adequate defeat and failure for them – they do it all by themselves.
Glad you are here and hope you will post some more of your story and your take on these people after such horrible experiences 🙂
Poly so true again!
My S woman’s background is unbelievable. She was from a well to do New England family and an only child. Her family gave her privileges and a way to make the rest of her life affluent and happy. But she threw it all away it seems on insisting she live life HER way. She got pregnant at 16 and gave the child up for adoption. She then went on to 3 different husbands and a live in lover before turning”Gay”. Her marriages/ relationships never lasted longer than 5 years. ( with many side lovers in between)Upon doing some checking it appears she had a past of prostitution. She lives her life today with a woman who she claims she hasn’t had sex with in over ten years. The live in lover has borderline behavior disorder and constantly in depression. The S woman is now going into octogenarian mode and can barely survive financially. She survives by placing things on Ebay and her Social security check. That is where the extra people like me have to come in to “Bail” her out.(She Thinks) She depends on the kindness of others and “counts” on that. Her life truly is what she has made it. Yet she complains constantly and dwells on her past wondering “why every person in her past went on with other spouses and is still with that spouse after 15-20 years and longer?”
For 27 years I sympathized with her. But now that I know what she is .. I am reminded of an old phrase my dad said all the time when someone screwed up their life:
” She done shit in her nest!” Indeed my S woman has! Unfortunately she has tried to take everyone else down with her. Thank God I am now living on the outside of that dirty nest and looking in! I no longer have to be a part of it. And I won’t be!
Renewedhope says: ” She done shit in her nest!” LOL!!! 😀
Your Dad is indeed a wise man! The only problem is, the N/P/S’s don’t clean up their shit, they just throw it at us because they are never at fault for the messes they create.
pollyannanomore, your assessment is so true. What shocks me though, in my circumstance, is it took me so long to realize what I was living with, I actually became physically sick with Esophageal spasms that would last for hours, the longest being 21 hours. I lost 8 lbs due to dehydration that day, and was ready to call 911…then the spasms relaxed. Cherry Coke never tasted so good!
I think my body was saying to me, If your brain won’t grope that fact that you are living with a monster and do something about it, then I, your body will force you to come to this realization….what a wake up call…
My divorce proceedings are almost over….one more transfer of funds that he owes me and we are done…..or so I thought. The N has given me custody of our minor son’s UTMA account…and I have just found out that the N has been pilfering funds from this account (over 20K) so now I must battle that.
And one last thing, the N and his P gf who is also his lawyer, have been trying to force me to take one half the liability of an out of state lawsuit in which the N is being sued separately for Libelous and Intentional torts. I am not named in the suit. The litigants are seeking a huge judgment (in the double digit millions)…..trial is in less than 2 months. What I have so far is I am not liable for any of this mess that he created for himself, and of course I have consistently denied any liability.
(This leads us back to my first paragraph in my post…. …humongous shit in his own diaper, he is like a two year old throwing it at me and hoping it sticks….gahhhhhh)
Any advice, legal or otherwise, on these two situations would be be greatly appreciated.
Happy happy Sunday!
Well heart; I would get the best legal advice you could afford and fight them to the hilt! If you aren’t named in the lawsuit I fail to see where they can hang you with anything.
Renewed, that is what I have been doing for the past 3 years….
I don’t choose to do this, but I cannot extract myself from this tangled web, and it is financially draining me.
As this is such a complicated situation, and dealing with the ExN and his equally psycho gf/atty triples the anxiety, I guess what I am seeking are some equivalent situations that worked out for the benefit of the person in my position. Like, just anything I can hang on for hope and salvation! 🙁
My SIL related a story to me of some friends of hers. The husband knew he was going to be hit with a lawsuit for insider trading, so he and his wife divorced and put all assets in her name. Lawsuit came and went, he was hit with a huge judgment, but the assets could not be attached, and they continued living together as before for several years. (Unfortunately for him, they had a REAL falling out, and she kicked him out.)
I guess this is just a wait and see type of scenario, to see what comes down, and what I have to fight next. I try to accept that, but it lends itself to a miserable day to day existence.
Have you checked out http://www.findlaw.com
You can ask your legal questions there on their message board. They have a staff of Lawyers answering your questions. Hope that helps.
Dear E#x-wife,
Welcome to our world! Sorry you are here, and sorry that you qualify for membership in our “club”—but it is one of the most healing and supportive “clubs” in the world! Glad you are here under the circumstances.
Sorry that you had to go through so much trauma and pain in order to get here. God bless. Keep on reading and learning KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and it helps us to take back our power.
Renewed, thanks for the info!
have registered with that site and pulled up relevant posts to read on defamation, before i ask my own questions. Like Oxdrover posted, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!