Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a reader to Lovefraud. It is published with the permission of the author.
After dating Charles for a year (“the four seasons” a term he used often in our relationship and his simultaneous relationship with Sue, it was the marker of when we would marry), I got the answer I was looking for”¦I had added “Family Locator Service” to my cell phone, placed my extra phone is his car and waited until 4 a.m. to have the nerve to do the fatal search”¦there it was”¦in black and white”¦my worst fears are true ”¦ He was living with another woman. Her name is Sue, widow and mother of two children almost the same age as my own. Another family in the making less than 10 miles from my house. I am “the other woman—¦
I am writing this as a friendly reminder to myself because I seem to have a hard time remembering the lies and deception. I find myself making excuses and looking for some truth to hold on to about our supposed “love.” (Our Once In A Lifetime Love—after “our” song by Alan Jackson.) How does anyone pretend not to know the things they know? What is acceptable if you love someone? Why do I feel the need for someone else to love me in order to feel any comfort in myself?
I met Charles online in February of 2006. I responded to an email he sent from “LOOKING4MORE.” After chatting online for a couple of weeks we decided to meet in person. Our relationship had begun. We talked and chatted for hours. Over time, he became part of my life. He would elaborate about how great our life would be together. He wanted to take care of me and provide for me like I had only imagined. He didn’t want me to work because “it was ”˜his job’ to provide for me and take care of me.” Big houses, fancy cars, luxurious vacations”¦you name it, he was there! Despite his words, there was always that little voice in my head telling me it’s too good to be true. Not to mention my senses telling me something was drastically wrong. What my senses were telling me was that everything he said was A LIE”¦ALL LIES!
As I continued my search for truth, I discovered he had been living with Sue for a year and a half…family portraits, vacations, looked at houses and rings, coached her daughter’s softball team. As a topper, she says he owes her $400,000. He told Sue he was in Oklahoma filing his dying aunt’s will when he was with me. (However, his aunt is very much alive.) They spent holidays and celebrations together, all while he was professing his undying love to me.
The truth as I knew it was that he was living in his dad’s house, caring for his dad who had Alzheimer’s disease. Charles lied about living with his dad, in fact never he lived in his dad’s house. All the time, he had been living with Sue with his dad around the corner in a full care facility. As time went on and his dad passed away, he said the house sold and without asking, slowly started moving his things into my garage and home. Come to find out, he still has the house and it has been under construction to prepare for selling.
To make a long story short, I thought I was living the fairytale. I found my Prince, now I can become that Princess in my dreams. Charles bought me the most beautiful ring I had ever seen as we planned to marry”¦ The ring was paid for with a check that was later returned “account closed.” The owner of the jewelry store actually knocked on my front door with the check in his hand asking for the ring back. Charles returned the ring to the store to avoid criminal charges.
I could go on for pages with all the stories he told and I may over time, but for now, I ask my truest friend Linda (we walk together and share our daily adventures and turmoils—the only person who knows every step of my journey) to help me to remember so I can move on to the next chapter of my life, not look back and hopefully learn a valuable lesson”¦ Here is what she said”¦
I am Teri’s best friend. I have seen this relationship become. I have known both parties. I have seen and felt heights of joy and the depths of the pain of my friend in this rollercoaster relationship. I even questioned what is truth???
Then I remember: True love, is not deceptive, and like a tree that bears fruit after its kind”¦love or pretence will bear the fruit after its kind”¦
When ever we are in confusion, and doubt”¦look at the fruit”¦As a corn plant bears corn”¦real love brings forth the same”¦If deceit, lies, dishonesty are the fruit, and it speaks clearly. This is not love.
There are many who wish to charm with the promise of dreams and love for their own gain at the expense of others. In saying this, look at your man ask yourself: Is this really real? Is this based on trust, honesty? A real love, ladies, does not seek to harm its own”¦and true love takes care of you first”¦
Promises and lies
My friend gave her heart, time and energy into this man. In return, he gave her some joy and much heartache. He questioned her every move, he was deceptive, having another family to his own”¦promising the same love to both”¦Promised the moon, the sun and the stars, only to bring embarrassment and heartache and yet more lies at each turn”¦He has not only charmed her but all of us”¦ Try to remember”¦true love doesn’t seek its own”¦ it’s honest, true, dependable, trustworthy. And it doesn’t fail”¦One thing I have come to know with this man and his actions”¦is that pain, deceit and lies are what he leaves as a continual wake of waves. This is not love”¦but a sick contrived person who cares for himself at the expense of others.
- Lie upon lie upon lies”¦
- Two timed / three timed ”¦ proposals of marriage two different women at the same time”¦
- Promised all these same ladies “the same thing” ”¦houses, monies, cars, jewelry.
- Identical tactics with each one”¦
- Monies lied about, finances manipulated, stolen, misused, misappropriated.
- Christmas and events/holidays promised to you, spent in the company of her”¦
From the day he met you, it was one tale woven upon another”¦ When the lies came out, he just came up with an answer to eventually wear you down, and win you back”¦ You were his trophy; you fed his hunger, his dream, his ego. Too many plays, too many unkept promises, too many lies”¦you can not now even know what to trust.
Girlfriend, it all comes down to this:
Love yourself enough to say I deserve love”¦from me, and from others. I deserve to stand up for myself, to not let myself be walked on or be disrespected. I love myself enough to be watchful and guard from someone working to manipulate me or try to feed me pretty lies because they think they can for their purpose. I will be the watcher for my heart and guardian for me and my children. I will be treated with respect and be loved with a love that is honest, true, dependable and faithful.
A love that leaves you with the pain of the dreams lost, the shattered illusion of what you thought was reality, yet in fact are empty lies and deception”¦a mere daydream of your heart.
This is not love but poison.
Well, we were together for many years. We moved in for 3 years. He cheated on me almost every day since we moved here, and every week we didn’t live together. There was always someone else…in a chat room, on a sex line, at a swingers club-at a gay spot. When I finally “figured” it out, I ended it. He now lives up the block (exactly 2 blocks away) with another woman. I do not know her name or what she looks like. He is protecting her from me. I am afraid he will eventually walk back to me, when and if she finds out. Though there really is no reason. I gave him back everything he owned here. I have nothing left that I want to give him. He had stolen things from me weeks before everything happened- I discovered later. Clothes, shoes, jewelry, household things…gone. Not to mention the whorehouse I was paying for while I was at work, while he worked a part time job and “supposedly” slept during the day because of his odd morning work hours.
Why won’t i move? because it is so hard to find a decent neighborhood, and affordable rent in this small town. Why should I move, when I did nothing wrong. I loved him. Him who did not love me. It is hard knowing that he is 2 blocks away…but I won’t budge. I will date again, I will be cautious, and get out of the mounting debt he left me with (he would not pay the bills-for 6 months-i am trying to recoup and reestablish myself.)
my family does not really understand. They are happy just to have me back after so many years. i don’t disclose some of the details of the situation, because of the fear. The psychological scars from the psychological abuse, keeps me this way…for now. It will not always be this way- But will he always live up the block…2 streets away? with his scam. Will he ever grow tired of being up the block and showing his face to my “neighbors” who are only too happy to let me know they see him.
Some of the things that happened while we were together:
He cheated on me consistently (he will/is cheating on her)
He told me that I reminded him of his childhood abuser
He called me a “n*g*er” I am not the same race as he is
He told me that I was the smartest person he knew-and that was his inside joke, as he cheated on me constantly
He slept with people (yes-people) in my apt.
He stole clothing, shoes, and money from me
He had people eat, drink, smoke, do drugs, and come to see orgy parties in my apt.
He drank, smoke and did drugs in my apt.
He hit me
He ignored me
He in 3 years helped me clean, cook or do household chores about 10 times in the apt.
He left me with rent not paid for 6 months-claiming “I was a money grubbing whore.”
He allowed other people to come into my home and steal my clothing, shoes, jewelry, household items
He allowed people to eat the food that I paid for weekly
He allowed women to come in and leave their sanitary products, in my house while i was at work.
He lied to me, Never tried to get more than one job, never tried to help me do much planning of life.
Never took a picture with me in the time we lived together
Paid for me to take trips with his family -so he could sleep with people while I was away
-And at this point, when encountering some of his friends, he has not admitted to them-that we are no longer together!
Since leaving, he has broken into the mailbox, broken into my car, had me followed at work and walks in the neighborhood freely and unaffected. with her. with the hims…with whomever.
I wish him good luck. I pray continuously- it helps to keep me sane. It helps to know that God is there for me when no one else seems to understand.
I am rebuilding my life. (slowly trying to be cautious). i have not started dating…but i attempt to weed out the “same types”- I have met 5 so far since him. I wait, I am building my life again slowly. I am moving slowly and now-IN THE LIGHT- i hold onto God’s hand…and try not to cry…because I miss all of that? because I am hurt! Because I was loving to him, and trusting to this shell.
I am moving past, to try to figure out what in me attracted “THAT?” and what in me is holding on to seeking revenge…when there is no revenge to be found-ONLY a better life -full of self love, self forgiveness, faith and trust that there is truly light and life without that miserable shell of a boy walking around in circles.
I love me…I encourage you all to love yourselves…to forgive yourself…for whatever you feel is something “weak” in you. It’s not easy-and the strength is truly in that you are leaving, you are seeking light and that you are trying to move closer to your own happiness. Any words of advice or response to this….please let me know that i am really not alone in these feelings…
take love into you, for you, surround yourself with it, as much as you can. laugh…as much as you can….be the you that you were before this awful shell came into your life…that is what I am trying to do.