Editor’s Note: This article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Snow White.” She previously wrote “He is not Prince Charming, and you are not Snow White.“
After months of pursuit and ultimate seduction by a psychopath, which eventually lead to an affair with this man, I can now honestly see that I am making my way down the road to recovery. When I first started to open my eyes and began noticing red flags in the psychopath’s behavior, coupled with the deep sadness I was experiencing about ending my marriage, I took the first gigantic step of actually listening to MY feelings. Even though the love bombing was so intense and the psychopathic bond well established to the point that I completely believed his declarations: “We are destined to be together. You are my future wife. We are soul mates. You must leave your husband—¦well you all know the routine”¦. my gut instincts persisted, increasingly telling me to get out.
Although I didn’t know if our marriage could be saved at that point, I did know that I could not end my marriage because someone was telling me to do it. If my marriage is to end, it will be because he and/or I decide we cannot be married, not because someone else is pressuring me to do it. The control he had over me was so powerful that it rendered me helpless in thinking for myself—that is until I woke up and saw through his hollow eyes, the soulless person he is, the strange behavior, manipulation, and lies. Reflecting on the last five months of recovery, a pattern in the healing process has emerged, which I’d like to share.
First few weeks
The best way I can describe the recovery process so far is to separate it into months. During the first few weeks, I was in emotional turmoil. My weight was at an all-time low. I was so confused as to “what” he is, what had happened to me, who I had become, and if my marriage would survive. After much prayer, the first step I took was to refuse to see him and ended the relationship. But I needed answers. I contacted the psychopath’s ex-girlfriend. She was the one who educated me on his personality disorder. I had no idea what psychopathy was and began researching it. Over the next month, I read everything I could get my hands on such as the Love Fraud site and books. Claudia Moscovici’s work, Dangerous Liaisons, profoundly described what I experienced. Additionally, Red Flags of Love Fraud precisely delineated the process of the relationship and his characteristics. He exhibited all the traits except for defrauding me out of money.
I started simultaneously educating myself and working with a marriage counselor. Although I sought help from a counselor before my affair became physical, I was too far gone to stop it. In retrospect, I can see how the luring and honeymoon phases played out. He innately moved me through the process. While in the midst of it, I did see that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal and continued to see a counselor. However, either I wasn’t accurately articulating what was happening, or the counselor wasn’t schooled in psychopathy, or I was already too emotionally controlled to really hear her advice. When I learned I had been involved with a psychopath, I told her about the books I read, but she was not interested in reading them. Even though she wasn’t able to point out the possibility that I was dealing with an emotional predator, I do credit this counselor with helping to save my marriage. Fortunately, the marriage counselor we are working with was open to reading the books and resources I listed above to better understand what I had experienced. Never having sought therapy before, I now know that it is a process, and there isn’t a quick fix. It simply takes time.
Month 2 cognitive dissonance
During the second month, I continued reading and posting on blogs. On one site, I met a woman from the UK who experienced exactly what I did and was much further along in the recovery process. She spoke with me about her experience and provided so much support. I also began phone counseling sessions. Within the first five minutes of our session, I realized I had finally found someone who could explain what I was experiencing psychologically. There was a name for it—Cognitive Dissonance—and it doesn’t happen when normal relationships end. There would be no closure from him. He is simply not capable. I have to come to terms with it and create my own closure. Most importantly, I must know and feel that what we had and who he presented himself to be is not real.
Month 3 learning about me
While the first two months were spent on learning about psychopathy, by the third month my focus shifted to healing. I continued to read, but whereas before I gravitated toward reading about HIM, now I started reading about ME. Some might say it is unhealthy to continue researching, but I find that the more I educate myself, the more empowered I become. I also continued working with my counselor. Her goal for me is to eliminate any doubts about whom I was dealing with so that I could develop a clear picture of the dangerousness of this man. She had me complete a checklist of his behaviors. One would think that even after seeing it all in black and white and living it, there would be no doubt—not so simple. Cognitive dissonance is a tricky thing.
Month 4 feeling peace
By the end of month four, moments of feeling at peace within myself and my marriage are more frequent. I learned that I must practice mindfulness, or living in the moment. Focusing on the past leads to depression. Focusing on the future generates anxiety. Being present is the path to peacefulness. Learning to live in the present is a gradual process for me. Like learning to play a sport or an instrument, I must practice it. The moments of mindfulness are becoming more frequent. This is what it looks like: When I’m out with friends and it hits me, I look around and say to myself, “Wow! Look at me. I’m actually having fun surrounded by people who really care about me. I am not tied to my phone having to answer his incessant texts anymore.“ I started noticing myself enjoying the moment. For me, the moments of “noticing” my enjoyment with my husband, children, and friends is practicing mindfulness.
July 4th
The intrusive thoughts have not entirely ended. I still have nightmares about how I drank the Kool Aid and was so brainwashed and manipulated by some manufactured, fraudulent fairy tale. However, they are lessening. While watching July 4th fireworks on the dock overlooking the lake near our home I felt at peace, truly living in the moment. Last year on the fourth, the love bombs were exploding, I was being held captive by his texts, and the emotional control was well underway. This fourth, I said to myself, “Look at me. I actually feel peaceful and am enjoying the evening with my husband. I am at a good place. I’m free!” I don’t know why I have these internal conversations with myself, but they help.
The night before the fourth as I was lying in bed, I actually said to myself as I felt the breeze blew across the room, I’m ready to let this go. I asked the wind to take the intrusive thoughts of him and our relationship and blow them out of my mind and life. They say that psychopaths intuitively know when you are letting go. If that’s true, I’ll never know for sure, but that fourth of July, just as the fireworks were about to start, I received a friend request on my phone. It was from a man I do not know. I hit ignore. Half an hour later, I receive another request. The next day, I received a third friend request. The first two may have been a coincidence, but the third??? So I looked at his page, which was public. I know that looking at the page could be considered breaking No Contact. I got weak. I looked.
It was a fake page. The photo of the man was taken off the Internet. There is a website where you can match photos to photos posted on the internet, called Tineye.com I was able to identify that a fake persona was created using someone else’s photo. Other signs of a fake page I noticed were that he only had one friend, a Russian woman, sketchy biographical information, and the time of the postings corresponded within minutes of the time the friend requests were sent to me. The most disturbing parts of the page were the postings that directly related to our relationship. Two that smacked of misogyny and the other two were pity play tactics.
Minor setback
Fright was my first reaction to the FB postings, and I thought about deleting my Facebook page. Doing that would disconnect me from my family and friends. I refuse to live in fear. I learned how to lock down my page further so it is not searchable to strangers. I blocked him and will block any strangers who send friend requests. Should it happen again, I must simply click ignore and NOT look at the page or risk staying embroiled in his sick mind games. This was a minor setback for me, bringing more intrusive thoughts and nightmares. When the experts say maintain No Contac ”¦ they say it because they know that it is essential to our recovery.
Process of recovery
While I am not proud that I allowed myself to succumb to his pressure, cross boundaries I never imagined I would, and hurt the person who has always been there for me, my husband, I am committed to doing to the hard work necessary to getting back to the person I was before my involvement with the psychopath. The process of recovery involves:
- Awakening to the dangerousness of the person and his pathology and ending the relationship
- Educating yourself on psychopathy
- Leaving no stone unturned in your quest for knowledge
- Reaching out and seeking help from people who “know”
- Working with a trained counselor to learn the strategies to break free of the memories of the idealization phase
- Rebuilding the relationships in your life that matter, and
- Living an honest, healthy lifestyle.
Most importantly, it is not enough to just “know” what he is. The knowledge I’ve obtained about psychopathy and my feelings must be in synch, and therein lies the work to be done. Periodically, the cognitive dissonance surfaces, and when it does, I take some time to keep myself in check by reading from the Love Fraud articles or Claudia’s blog. Slowly my outgoing, energetic spirit is returning, and I am rebuilding the bond with my husband. Thanks to the work of Donna, Claudia and others, my questions have been answered. I must now use the strategies I’ve learned to continue moving forward.
snowwhite,
i looked back and around the end of january 2012 is when she began nc. this was after she provided the parole dept with the info they needed to throw him back in prison. he had been harassing her by showing up where she works and trying to kiss her on the sidewalk and sending letters. each time he broke the no contact she had placed on him, she merrily sent whatever info on to his parole officer. she had difficulty at first though. she seemed to want to make sure he wasnt going back in there because of her. only after his parole officer convinced her that he was doing it to himself did she seem to feel really glad to do it. so, she’s been nc about as long as you. since then, she has gone and had a long talk with his last target, as well as his sister who has for years been nc. and more recently she did a little digging into his former work situation in which it turns out, (wow big surprise?) he was serenading women with his guitar right in front of everyone! i can see by your article above many similarities in how this is playing out for her.
rgc
Snowwhite and Rgc you have experienced so many parallels to my ordeal. RGC, you sound like the most incredible, caring, true husband…like my own. He has terrible days still. Sometimes I do wonder if we’ll make it as I’ve caused him such pain. But as you say Snowwhite, there is too much that is good and beautiful between us to throw it all away….then the Spath wins. Rgc, I think you, Mr Snowwhite and my knight are giants among men. Your integrity, compassion, magnanimity are awe-inspiring. I hope you both keep healing in your marriages and building a better future. Nobody else can understand what we went through. It can only make us stronger, deeper, wiser in the long run. I must direct my life saver here to try and gain more insight and strength from your experiences…that he is not alone. RGC, have you considered having an affair too to help your own self esteem? we wonder if this would be catastrophic or somehow help the damage to my husband’s self esteem.
Ps I agree wholeheartedly that sociopath awareness should be on all school curriculum. Nothing and nobody could ever prepare us for such sharks….predatory, life sucking, heartless, lying, soul-less embodiment of evil. Who dazzle with their charm, charisma, promises of a glorious future. They are like shape shifters who lie under your bed at night, soak up your innermost desires and hopes…mirror them, echo your every wish. They pull the core of your love out of your heart with their ‘lost soul’ pity play. It becomes an imperative, sine qua no, non-negotiable mission. you are their world…it’s the purpose of your life…til the discard. The shattered mask. Meaningless, empty, shallow nothingness is all they are. You are still reeling, still racked with pain and utter incomprehension and they’ve moved on. Next in line…business as usual. Never a backward glance. Cut and paste bullshit productions. As one article said ‘ A lie from Hi to goodbye’ with total impunity, their age, qualifications, relationship history, feelings for you, pledge for the rest of your life. It’s a mirage, a charade, a game….and we were played my friends. What prepares you for that? What marriage with even minor fissures in it could sustain such an invasion? SPREAD the news. Make them listen! Let good triumph. That’s our job now xxx
I dont think an affair would help mo mac. although i am jolted by whatever incredible force would make you consider that for your man. and truth be told, years ago i had a one timer which i immediately told my wife about. i think i was vulnerable to the feeling of being desired. i couldnt let her touch me without being truthfull though. it would have ruined my integrity. looking back, i was selfish in letting it happen no matter what games my one time mistress played. and i still wonder if i did the right thing by confessing. i hurt her so. and once the act itself was over my blinders flew open and it was over. i immediately knew how stupid i was and how it was hollow and devoid of the emotional connection i craved. I believe your husband might end up feeling the same. what i crave at this point is to see her progress even in tiny steps, to see her recognize the cognitive dis and see her learn to deal with it and to see her learn that there is a difference in knowing with her intellect and feeling with her heart. as far as intimacy goes, i feel like my wife and i went through a classic perion where we both spent a lot of time thinking about what the other was thinking or feeling. whats she feeling? is she faking it? my intellect can clearly see her spath was fake, that he is an emotional quadriplegic, but it still screws with my heart to some degree. i now am beginning to understand that thinking about what she’s thinking is bs. as a man we tend to be more physical and i am not going to apologize for that. i do not base my marriage on sex. for me sex has become lovemaking. she taught me that. i do miss her being more un inhibited with me and i think maybe the guilt has dampened that. i saw a pattern here that might exhibit this. when she was in and i didnt know, i felt the passion drop off slightly. but i told myself ” well were getting older so….. then once i knew she was just associating with this guy, it all heightened. in fact she began doing things that i saw were beyond her boundaties. then she confessed and things went back to more normal. then the guilt and shame hit and it dropped off almost completely. I think that intimacy reminds her. and i need to practice just being present. my injured self esteem will have to heal and i now know it will take time. no, Mo mac, i dont need a surrigate to teach me that i am a good man and an attentive lover. i need my wife to live in the moment and give herself permission again to let out her passions and teach me what she currently needs/ desires. i think that when she frees herself from the guilt, and shame, it will happen. actually i think it is already happening. my bruised ego and self esteem are just taking their merry time to catch up and believe.
rgc
Guilt and shame are corrosive forces. I live with them daily. yet i know I am not a bad person. In my heart i know i am loving, kind, caring and true…apart from the ‘lie’ of that part of my life. You sound like an incredible person. Selfless in the extreme, so committed to your wife. Wow. Her recovery seems to be more important than your own. Do you ever address your own pain and internal devastation? I know my husband couldn’t really til reasonably recently. We are 7 months into PTSS but for the first 2 or 3 months I was suicidal…his only mission and concern was to rescue me. He’s obsessed with physical images which haunt him…hence the idea of physical ‘counteraction’ but I keep trying to explain it’s the theft and damage to my soul that matters. He says it wouldn’t have mattered who it was….it’s the ‘affair’ that kills him. Think he’s got to the stage that he forgets the irreparable, terrible unspeakable damage to me, my psyche, my spiirit and heart…faith in humanity even. i see him as a pure, rock of strength and character. But his own pain may consume him. Where do you get all your strength and ability to forgive your wife?
it has to do with timing mo, I knew about this stuff before she did. i dont know why i did but it may have been my lawyer. she listened to my story, and then looked me square in the eye, and said “your not ready for divorce” come back and see me when you figure this out” mo, it really IS hard for people to wrap their mind around this. my lawyer sensed something. i don’t know what it was but i think it made me start looking for disorders that had coercive behavior attached to them. i started with Narcissism. and progressed through till i found the answer. i have studied over 1500 hours. does your hubby realize that your average therapist gets about 3 or 4 weeks of study on this? and yes i do try to let some pain out occasionally.
rgc
Also worthy of noting here is that there was a period right after she confessed to me about the physical part of this where i thought i couldnt do it. i think i was staying just to see her through. to make sure she would not be consumed and discarded by him. i think my feelings changed as she opened up in little bits and as i studied further. now i know i can do it. but the pain and doubt need to come out in the right venue and that is not around her. what your hubbys need is a solid understanding that these people are evil. pure evil. and if their sweethaert had been duped by the devil would they be so inclined to judge her so harshly? i personally, having a better grip now, do not judge her so. in fact i came to realize that her big mistake was in the very beginning. in mariage, it is part of our vows to”forsake all others”. failing to do this because she “thought he was an old friend” was tantamount to “drinking the coolaid” once swallowed, it was a done deal. the emotions percieved or felt, the sex and the lies would follow regardless of all else. I understand that and so i think all i have left are some insecurities, and pain that i must vent in a proper venue. I hope your men can come to understand this.
on another note, we as humans and partners, after experiencing a breach of our marriage, might tend to want to drive out the adversary. in the case of my mistress, i told her the next day that my wife would have to know. she of course said that she didnt want me to do that. that “it just happened” and to just let it go. yeah this from a woman 15 years younger than me who weeks before was stepping over me in a miniskirt with nothing underneath, telling me how desperately horny she was for me, and describing how she might “do me”.
when i told my wife, it was two nights later and as i was accustomed to getting the hint as to when she might come to me, i was terrified because i knew i couldnt touch her without her knowing. i dont know why, i just knew. and when she came to me, with that smile, i never felt so low in my life! i told her and thouroughly expected to find myself ousted. instead she, well lets just say that she did her best over the next six weeks or so to DRIVE MY MISTRESS OUT OF MY HEAD. I for a long time found it difficult to fully engage maybe out of guilt and shame. i certainly was not thinking that i deserved the attention. but i think i had a sense that was what she was doing. driving her out. and what was i supposed to do? tell her no? eventually, things settled down and we became closer than ever i think. when we discuss it she agrees. i think i felt the need to do this to her but of course there is a big difference in our affairs. it was easy for me to go nc with my mistress because the tools she used on me were physical and i didnt spend enough time in the trap to even know if she was disordered. i did call her years later and ask what motivated her. her answer? she didnt want to talk about it.
so i dont know about your husbands, but i personally wanted to blast him out of her mind, and , it wasnt an option. i think this further reinforced some of my own insecurities. i understand it now. i think your hubbys need lots of physical attention. and if they sense that you are doing it only for them sometimes and not always you, and you are ok with doing it for them, then you need to try to make them understand that. i know when i accepted that my wife does this from time to time. i quit worrying about my performance so much. i guess i learned to accept it even though i dont quite get it. and dont get me wrong here. its not all sex either. it took a while to learn that a backrub or carress does not mean she’s coming on to me. sometimes she just wants to let me know she is there by touch. once understood, its really nice.
wonder if spouses ever share here. i came looking for some pretty specific answers here and found many. i also later sought out someone who was making it work. we all seem promising. it helps to share with someone who has lived through it.
Mo mac,
another key for us is (i think) that i am an analyzer. its what makes me a competent engineer. now in reality if i was really so good id be working for Nasa. i’m not that good. however the tendency to “find the truth has had an effects here. some good and some bad i think. on one hand, i felt compelled to figure it out. on the other, doing so uncovered many uglies that definitely contributed to doubt and pain. imagine your husbands convincing you to open up and talk about the physical part of this. i think that was a mistake especially as i did it when she was still defensive about him. funny, info can help and it can really suck.
oh and my analytic side makes me re-visit things. like, i just ran back over our conversation and can see that my mouth runs a lot. yeah there are things (many )about me that are far from perfect too. i’m not such a fantastic man. Sure i mean well but along with knowledge, good intentions and understanding there is also required execution. i think i sometimes lack here. and i have not been a perfect husband ever.
So.. im not sure here.. if my wife actually experienced the discard. would that make it harder to believe he was fake? is that why she feels compelled to go digging? to be sure she has not actually left something good behind? and did you feel your husbands were like dry toast at first when coming back?