Editor’s Note: This article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Snow White.” She previously wrote “He is not Prince Charming, and you are not Snow White.“
After months of pursuit and ultimate seduction by a psychopath, which eventually lead to an affair with this man, I can now honestly see that I am making my way down the road to recovery. When I first started to open my eyes and began noticing red flags in the psychopath’s behavior, coupled with the deep sadness I was experiencing about ending my marriage, I took the first gigantic step of actually listening to MY feelings. Even though the love bombing was so intense and the psychopathic bond well established to the point that I completely believed his declarations: “We are destined to be together. You are my future wife. We are soul mates. You must leave your husband—¦well you all know the routine”¦. my gut instincts persisted, increasingly telling me to get out.
Although I didn’t know if our marriage could be saved at that point, I did know that I could not end my marriage because someone was telling me to do it. If my marriage is to end, it will be because he and/or I decide we cannot be married, not because someone else is pressuring me to do it. The control he had over me was so powerful that it rendered me helpless in thinking for myself—that is until I woke up and saw through his hollow eyes, the soulless person he is, the strange behavior, manipulation, and lies. Reflecting on the last five months of recovery, a pattern in the healing process has emerged, which I’d like to share.
First few weeks
The best way I can describe the recovery process so far is to separate it into months. During the first few weeks, I was in emotional turmoil. My weight was at an all-time low. I was so confused as to “what” he is, what had happened to me, who I had become, and if my marriage would survive. After much prayer, the first step I took was to refuse to see him and ended the relationship. But I needed answers. I contacted the psychopath’s ex-girlfriend. She was the one who educated me on his personality disorder. I had no idea what psychopathy was and began researching it. Over the next month, I read everything I could get my hands on such as the Love Fraud site and books. Claudia Moscovici’s work, Dangerous Liaisons, profoundly described what I experienced. Additionally, Red Flags of Love Fraud precisely delineated the process of the relationship and his characteristics. He exhibited all the traits except for defrauding me out of money.
I started simultaneously educating myself and working with a marriage counselor. Although I sought help from a counselor before my affair became physical, I was too far gone to stop it. In retrospect, I can see how the luring and honeymoon phases played out. He innately moved me through the process. While in the midst of it, I did see that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal and continued to see a counselor. However, either I wasn’t accurately articulating what was happening, or the counselor wasn’t schooled in psychopathy, or I was already too emotionally controlled to really hear her advice. When I learned I had been involved with a psychopath, I told her about the books I read, but she was not interested in reading them. Even though she wasn’t able to point out the possibility that I was dealing with an emotional predator, I do credit this counselor with helping to save my marriage. Fortunately, the marriage counselor we are working with was open to reading the books and resources I listed above to better understand what I had experienced. Never having sought therapy before, I now know that it is a process, and there isn’t a quick fix. It simply takes time.
Month 2 cognitive dissonance
During the second month, I continued reading and posting on blogs. On one site, I met a woman from the UK who experienced exactly what I did and was much further along in the recovery process. She spoke with me about her experience and provided so much support. I also began phone counseling sessions. Within the first five minutes of our session, I realized I had finally found someone who could explain what I was experiencing psychologically. There was a name for it—Cognitive Dissonance—and it doesn’t happen when normal relationships end. There would be no closure from him. He is simply not capable. I have to come to terms with it and create my own closure. Most importantly, I must know and feel that what we had and who he presented himself to be is not real.
Month 3 learning about me
While the first two months were spent on learning about psychopathy, by the third month my focus shifted to healing. I continued to read, but whereas before I gravitated toward reading about HIM, now I started reading about ME. Some might say it is unhealthy to continue researching, but I find that the more I educate myself, the more empowered I become. I also continued working with my counselor. Her goal for me is to eliminate any doubts about whom I was dealing with so that I could develop a clear picture of the dangerousness of this man. She had me complete a checklist of his behaviors. One would think that even after seeing it all in black and white and living it, there would be no doubt—not so simple. Cognitive dissonance is a tricky thing.
Month 4 feeling peace
By the end of month four, moments of feeling at peace within myself and my marriage are more frequent. I learned that I must practice mindfulness, or living in the moment. Focusing on the past leads to depression. Focusing on the future generates anxiety. Being present is the path to peacefulness. Learning to live in the present is a gradual process for me. Like learning to play a sport or an instrument, I must practice it. The moments of mindfulness are becoming more frequent. This is what it looks like: When I’m out with friends and it hits me, I look around and say to myself, “Wow! Look at me. I’m actually having fun surrounded by people who really care about me. I am not tied to my phone having to answer his incessant texts anymore.“ I started noticing myself enjoying the moment. For me, the moments of “noticing” my enjoyment with my husband, children, and friends is practicing mindfulness.
July 4th
The intrusive thoughts have not entirely ended. I still have nightmares about how I drank the Kool Aid and was so brainwashed and manipulated by some manufactured, fraudulent fairy tale. However, they are lessening. While watching July 4th fireworks on the dock overlooking the lake near our home I felt at peace, truly living in the moment. Last year on the fourth, the love bombs were exploding, I was being held captive by his texts, and the emotional control was well underway. This fourth, I said to myself, “Look at me. I actually feel peaceful and am enjoying the evening with my husband. I am at a good place. I’m free!” I don’t know why I have these internal conversations with myself, but they help.
The night before the fourth as I was lying in bed, I actually said to myself as I felt the breeze blew across the room, I’m ready to let this go. I asked the wind to take the intrusive thoughts of him and our relationship and blow them out of my mind and life. They say that psychopaths intuitively know when you are letting go. If that’s true, I’ll never know for sure, but that fourth of July, just as the fireworks were about to start, I received a friend request on my phone. It was from a man I do not know. I hit ignore. Half an hour later, I receive another request. The next day, I received a third friend request. The first two may have been a coincidence, but the third??? So I looked at his page, which was public. I know that looking at the page could be considered breaking No Contact. I got weak. I looked.
It was a fake page. The photo of the man was taken off the Internet. There is a website where you can match photos to photos posted on the internet, called Tineye.com I was able to identify that a fake persona was created using someone else’s photo. Other signs of a fake page I noticed were that he only had one friend, a Russian woman, sketchy biographical information, and the time of the postings corresponded within minutes of the time the friend requests were sent to me. The most disturbing parts of the page were the postings that directly related to our relationship. Two that smacked of misogyny and the other two were pity play tactics.
Minor setback
Fright was my first reaction to the FB postings, and I thought about deleting my Facebook page. Doing that would disconnect me from my family and friends. I refuse to live in fear. I learned how to lock down my page further so it is not searchable to strangers. I blocked him and will block any strangers who send friend requests. Should it happen again, I must simply click ignore and NOT look at the page or risk staying embroiled in his sick mind games. This was a minor setback for me, bringing more intrusive thoughts and nightmares. When the experts say maintain No Contac ”¦ they say it because they know that it is essential to our recovery.
Process of recovery
While I am not proud that I allowed myself to succumb to his pressure, cross boundaries I never imagined I would, and hurt the person who has always been there for me, my husband, I am committed to doing to the hard work necessary to getting back to the person I was before my involvement with the psychopath. The process of recovery involves:
- Awakening to the dangerousness of the person and his pathology and ending the relationship
- Educating yourself on psychopathy
- Leaving no stone unturned in your quest for knowledge
- Reaching out and seeking help from people who “know”
- Working with a trained counselor to learn the strategies to break free of the memories of the idealization phase
- Rebuilding the relationships in your life that matter, and
- Living an honest, healthy lifestyle.
Most importantly, it is not enough to just “know” what he is. The knowledge I’ve obtained about psychopathy and my feelings must be in synch, and therein lies the work to be done. Periodically, the cognitive dissonance surfaces, and when it does, I take some time to keep myself in check by reading from the Love Fraud articles or Claudia’s blog. Slowly my outgoing, energetic spirit is returning, and I am rebuilding the bond with my husband. Thanks to the work of Donna, Claudia and others, my questions have been answered. I must now use the strategies I’ve learned to continue moving forward.
Truthy, I think that was, 28 days….good movie.
Post cards from the edge is also good. Funny.
Just found the movie on line. If you watch it make sure you have a box of kleenex handy.
http://www.solarmovie.eu/watch-when-a-man-loves-a-woman-1994.html
Kim Frederick, thank you for the link! I am going to watch this while I do some packing, today. And, I will certainly have something nearby for snot and tears – I’ve been doing a lot of that, lately, so I’m rarely without the necessary tissues.
As for the “pffffffffft,” this may be weird, but I type the way that I speak, in person. I often try to put the sounds that I make into something that can be translated through reading. I really do say, “pfffffffft,” or “tzzzzzzzzzzt,” and other such stuff. When I look at what I’m typing, it’s kind of funny, now that I’m looking at all of the letters strung together! LOL But, if someone reading it actually says what they’re reading out loud, it “translates,” I guess.
(waving hand) You know what I mean, I think.
Hugs!
rgc,
I understand it’s hard to confront with your emotions. I did wonder several times ‘But how about you?’ I recognize the tendency to focus on the pain of someone else, in order not to confront mine, especially if I fear my own pain would pile up more guilt and pain on the other.
She probably does feel guilt about letting someone dupe her, as well as betraying you. She has to work through both those guilt feelings and learn to forgive herself. The seemingly paradoxical truth is that as long as you tiptoe around your feelings of betrayal by her, she will not be fully able to deal with her guilt towards you.
I know you’re trying to relieve the anger out of her sight, not to burden her more. But any normal human being would expect you to be angry and enraged, and so does she. And as long as you hide it from her, you reveal you do not trust her, and this on its own will make her not trust you. It’s like unspoken thoughts and words and arguments and feelings are making the air dense, and only a good storm can clear the sky again.
I think you should talk about this with a private counselor as well as a couple counselor.
Meanwhile, while I think it’s important to show your anger, I understand you do not want to blow up like dynamite either. There are some really helpful tricks to release your anger and hurl every insult and accusation imaginable in a safe way without anyone ever knowing about it but you….Go buy a box of eggs and smash them against a wall in the backyard. Each egg represents something very specific event or moment you are angry about. When the egg’s smashed so is the anger about that particular event. You keep doing this until the anger subsides by itself, then hoze down the egg mess. You can also do this with second hand china plates. I did this mentally in my head to the spath with imaginary china plates (Never ran out of them hihi), instead of physical since I had no space to do this and because I had just been operated on my knee when the spath discarded me. But it helped a lot anyway.
So no one likes my salsa dancing idea…..it will just be my little secret then. lol
Hey Star,
great idea ……after I’ve lost the 40lbs lol. I did have a look at the video you posted. Looks like great fun. Glad you’ve found something to immerse yourself in.
Star,
I’m very happy that you have found a good sport that is fun for you. I also think dancing is a very good way to get grounded. I used to do African Dance for 8 years. I tried a zumba lesson once last year (when my knee was still under investigation of what was wrong with it) and the next day my knee buckled under me. I know that if I go dancing again, I’d go African Dancing, but the risks for my knee are high, but I do love my zwow exercises with Zuzka who used to lead bodyrock (of the internet). I like salsa dancing, and had several lessons in Cuba and Guatemala over the years, and I’ll say yes to an invite in Latin America on the street festivals or dance clubs. But it never piqued my personal interest to do it fulltime (my passion is surfing and horseriding, and any outdoor sport).
However, I think it’s great you found a passion in it; I see benefits in the extras you cited; and I think it’s great you are sharing it as an idea.
🙂
Strongawoman and Darwinsmom, I don’t want to hijack the discussion going on on the thread about recovery. But I think recovery can happen more quickly when you have something positive to fill the void with. For me, Zumba brought joy back into my life. It has a lot of African dancing, hip hop and other things. But the reason I mentioned salsa is because you can actually interact with hot single men in a very sexy way, but they will also treat you like a lady and remain gentlemen. There is no sex, and you go home alone, but you feel like you’ve gotten your male “fix”. Salsa dancing is about the male-female polarity. You can even dance with a female who is dancing the role of the male lead and you will STILL feel that male energy from them – it’s amazing. If you have your “fix” of male energy coming from somewhere else, it will take some of your time and energy from the male you are obsessing over. It totally worked for me to stop obsessing over my rock star neighbor when NOTHING else helped.
Salsa is the first hobby I’ve found that is not completely female dominated like Zumba is. And the men tend to be of a better quality than in the general public, IMO. I have met many men in my class whom I truly like and want to get to know. This is very unusual for me. You don’t have to be ready to date to do it either. It’s just dancing. You just dance with them. But at the end of the night, it’s almost better than sex. I can’t explain it. It’s a wonderful feeling, and I don’t feel violated in any way. The men who approach me only want to dance with me and they are very respectful of me. They don’t try to hit on me, though the eye contact and physical contact is very hot. OMG, after my friend J and my teacher Jacques were passing me back and forth dipping me so Jacques could demo the correct dip technique, I felt like I needed a cold shower after that. Or the time both my male teachers, Jacques and Mark, did the salsa steal routine on me at the club, passing me back and forth. I swooned! It was so sexy! Every time Jacques comes over and offers me his elbow to lead me out to the dance floor, I feel a little of the excitement. It’s wonderful to get excited about something that doesn’t involve sex. Hell, I don’t even know if I want that yet. But when I’m ready, I have every confidence I will meet a great man in the salsa circuit. In fact, I may have already met him, but I don’t want to get too ahead of myself.
And your comment about the grounding is right on. I often feel pretty ungrounded and even depressed when I arrive at class. By the time I leave, my center of gravity is lower, I am more grounded in my body, my boundaries seem much better, and I just feel happier.
Funny, I had a dream about Mark last night – one of my salsa teachers. In the dream, he and I started out dancing in a class. But then we were traveling together and he had wrapped me up in a way that was very sensual and made me feel very safe. We were flying over the San Francisco bay, and we were flying very low, going under the Golden Gate Bridge, which was kind of unusual. The feeling tone of the dream was one of exhilaration. I love Mark, though he is too young for me to date, and I don’t have the kind of attraction to him that I have with the other teacher. But I still enjoy the male-female connection. I know that he is not afraid of it either, as many men are, and that’s what made the feeling so powerful. I’m learning that I can just enjoy a man and enjoy being close to him without it being about sex or a committed relationship. I can just enjoy it for what it is and so can he. For all I know, my teachers have girlfriends. But they just enjoy dancing with a woman. They even dance with each other (!) and takes turns being the male and female on the dance floor. Being around them makes me feel like a woman. I am so glad I took a risk and got into this whole thing – it has opened up a whole new world for me. I am transported back to when I was 7 years old and slow dancing with boys in the back yard or making out with them. Just learning about boys, but it is all so innocent. Salsa is very sensual but very innocent, if that makes sense. Plus I’m learning a new skill which is good for my confidence and self-esteem. My rock star neighbor has seen me going off to the salsa club in my cute little outfits. I’ve even borrowed duct take from him for the bottoms of my salsa shoes so they have more glide on the dance floor. Oh well, too bad, so sad, he had many years to make a serious move on me. It’s too late now.
So sorry I have gone on and on about it. I have spent so many years writing about my pain and sorrow – it’s nice to have something exciting to write about. If you guys are not there, you’ll get there – I know.
Stargazer, flying is such a freedom thing, I think. And, over the SF Bay…
You have found something very positive to get that physical anxiety out of your system, and it’s wonderful! I’d love to Salsa (and, Tango), but I need to drop quite a bit before I give that a try. I love that type of dancing. It’s sensual, and very precise.
It’s good to read something exciting…it surely is.
Brightest rhythmic blessings!