Editor’s Note: This article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Snow White.” She previously wrote “He is not Prince Charming, and you are not Snow White.“
After months of pursuit and ultimate seduction by a psychopath, which eventually lead to an affair with this man, I can now honestly see that I am making my way down the road to recovery. When I first started to open my eyes and began noticing red flags in the psychopath’s behavior, coupled with the deep sadness I was experiencing about ending my marriage, I took the first gigantic step of actually listening to MY feelings. Even though the love bombing was so intense and the psychopathic bond well established to the point that I completely believed his declarations: “We are destined to be together. You are my future wife. We are soul mates. You must leave your husband—¦well you all know the routine”¦. my gut instincts persisted, increasingly telling me to get out.
Although I didn’t know if our marriage could be saved at that point, I did know that I could not end my marriage because someone was telling me to do it. If my marriage is to end, it will be because he and/or I decide we cannot be married, not because someone else is pressuring me to do it. The control he had over me was so powerful that it rendered me helpless in thinking for myself—that is until I woke up and saw through his hollow eyes, the soulless person he is, the strange behavior, manipulation, and lies. Reflecting on the last five months of recovery, a pattern in the healing process has emerged, which I’d like to share.
First few weeks
The best way I can describe the recovery process so far is to separate it into months. During the first few weeks, I was in emotional turmoil. My weight was at an all-time low. I was so confused as to “what” he is, what had happened to me, who I had become, and if my marriage would survive. After much prayer, the first step I took was to refuse to see him and ended the relationship. But I needed answers. I contacted the psychopath’s ex-girlfriend. She was the one who educated me on his personality disorder. I had no idea what psychopathy was and began researching it. Over the next month, I read everything I could get my hands on such as the Love Fraud site and books. Claudia Moscovici’s work, Dangerous Liaisons, profoundly described what I experienced. Additionally, Red Flags of Love Fraud precisely delineated the process of the relationship and his characteristics. He exhibited all the traits except for defrauding me out of money.
I started simultaneously educating myself and working with a marriage counselor. Although I sought help from a counselor before my affair became physical, I was too far gone to stop it. In retrospect, I can see how the luring and honeymoon phases played out. He innately moved me through the process. While in the midst of it, I did see that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal and continued to see a counselor. However, either I wasn’t accurately articulating what was happening, or the counselor wasn’t schooled in psychopathy, or I was already too emotionally controlled to really hear her advice. When I learned I had been involved with a psychopath, I told her about the books I read, but she was not interested in reading them. Even though she wasn’t able to point out the possibility that I was dealing with an emotional predator, I do credit this counselor with helping to save my marriage. Fortunately, the marriage counselor we are working with was open to reading the books and resources I listed above to better understand what I had experienced. Never having sought therapy before, I now know that it is a process, and there isn’t a quick fix. It simply takes time.
Month 2 cognitive dissonance
During the second month, I continued reading and posting on blogs. On one site, I met a woman from the UK who experienced exactly what I did and was much further along in the recovery process. She spoke with me about her experience and provided so much support. I also began phone counseling sessions. Within the first five minutes of our session, I realized I had finally found someone who could explain what I was experiencing psychologically. There was a name for it—Cognitive Dissonance—and it doesn’t happen when normal relationships end. There would be no closure from him. He is simply not capable. I have to come to terms with it and create my own closure. Most importantly, I must know and feel that what we had and who he presented himself to be is not real.
Month 3 learning about me
While the first two months were spent on learning about psychopathy, by the third month my focus shifted to healing. I continued to read, but whereas before I gravitated toward reading about HIM, now I started reading about ME. Some might say it is unhealthy to continue researching, but I find that the more I educate myself, the more empowered I become. I also continued working with my counselor. Her goal for me is to eliminate any doubts about whom I was dealing with so that I could develop a clear picture of the dangerousness of this man. She had me complete a checklist of his behaviors. One would think that even after seeing it all in black and white and living it, there would be no doubt—not so simple. Cognitive dissonance is a tricky thing.
Month 4 feeling peace
By the end of month four, moments of feeling at peace within myself and my marriage are more frequent. I learned that I must practice mindfulness, or living in the moment. Focusing on the past leads to depression. Focusing on the future generates anxiety. Being present is the path to peacefulness. Learning to live in the present is a gradual process for me. Like learning to play a sport or an instrument, I must practice it. The moments of mindfulness are becoming more frequent. This is what it looks like: When I’m out with friends and it hits me, I look around and say to myself, “Wow! Look at me. I’m actually having fun surrounded by people who really care about me. I am not tied to my phone having to answer his incessant texts anymore.“ I started noticing myself enjoying the moment. For me, the moments of “noticing” my enjoyment with my husband, children, and friends is practicing mindfulness.
July 4th
The intrusive thoughts have not entirely ended. I still have nightmares about how I drank the Kool Aid and was so brainwashed and manipulated by some manufactured, fraudulent fairy tale. However, they are lessening. While watching July 4th fireworks on the dock overlooking the lake near our home I felt at peace, truly living in the moment. Last year on the fourth, the love bombs were exploding, I was being held captive by his texts, and the emotional control was well underway. This fourth, I said to myself, “Look at me. I actually feel peaceful and am enjoying the evening with my husband. I am at a good place. I’m free!” I don’t know why I have these internal conversations with myself, but they help.
The night before the fourth as I was lying in bed, I actually said to myself as I felt the breeze blew across the room, I’m ready to let this go. I asked the wind to take the intrusive thoughts of him and our relationship and blow them out of my mind and life. They say that psychopaths intuitively know when you are letting go. If that’s true, I’ll never know for sure, but that fourth of July, just as the fireworks were about to start, I received a friend request on my phone. It was from a man I do not know. I hit ignore. Half an hour later, I receive another request. The next day, I received a third friend request. The first two may have been a coincidence, but the third??? So I looked at his page, which was public. I know that looking at the page could be considered breaking No Contact. I got weak. I looked.
It was a fake page. The photo of the man was taken off the Internet. There is a website where you can match photos to photos posted on the internet, called Tineye.com I was able to identify that a fake persona was created using someone else’s photo. Other signs of a fake page I noticed were that he only had one friend, a Russian woman, sketchy biographical information, and the time of the postings corresponded within minutes of the time the friend requests were sent to me. The most disturbing parts of the page were the postings that directly related to our relationship. Two that smacked of misogyny and the other two were pity play tactics.
Minor setback
Fright was my first reaction to the FB postings, and I thought about deleting my Facebook page. Doing that would disconnect me from my family and friends. I refuse to live in fear. I learned how to lock down my page further so it is not searchable to strangers. I blocked him and will block any strangers who send friend requests. Should it happen again, I must simply click ignore and NOT look at the page or risk staying embroiled in his sick mind games. This was a minor setback for me, bringing more intrusive thoughts and nightmares. When the experts say maintain No Contac ”¦ they say it because they know that it is essential to our recovery.
Process of recovery
While I am not proud that I allowed myself to succumb to his pressure, cross boundaries I never imagined I would, and hurt the person who has always been there for me, my husband, I am committed to doing to the hard work necessary to getting back to the person I was before my involvement with the psychopath. The process of recovery involves:
- Awakening to the dangerousness of the person and his pathology and ending the relationship
- Educating yourself on psychopathy
- Leaving no stone unturned in your quest for knowledge
- Reaching out and seeking help from people who “know”
- Working with a trained counselor to learn the strategies to break free of the memories of the idealization phase
- Rebuilding the relationships in your life that matter, and
- Living an honest, healthy lifestyle.
Most importantly, it is not enough to just “know” what he is. The knowledge I’ve obtained about psychopathy and my feelings must be in synch, and therein lies the work to be done. Periodically, the cognitive dissonance surfaces, and when it does, I take some time to keep myself in check by reading from the Love Fraud articles or Claudia’s blog. Slowly my outgoing, energetic spirit is returning, and I am rebuilding the bond with my husband. Thanks to the work of Donna, Claudia and others, my questions have been answered. I must now use the strategies I’ve learned to continue moving forward.
Thanks so much, Truthspeak. I often hesitate to post happy things here because I know so many people are in the grips of a dark night of the soul. What people don’t know is how much of my life I spent depressed and in abject pain and loneliness much of the time. I think if you can read something happy about someone and actually feel happy yourself, this is a way to bring more happiness into your life. Joy is joy, and it doesn’t matter where the feeling comes from. We are all connected on some level and one person’s joy can have a resonance with others in the community. I’m not out of the woods. I still deal with loneliness and fear of rejection. I went through a bout of it last week, and major anxiety about even looking people in the eye in my salsa group. I don’t know how by the grace of god I seem to be able to process these things on my own with no help from anyone. I keep thinking how much I need a therapist to get truly better. But the universe doesn’t seem to ever support that in my life. And magically, I seem to do okay without one. I don’t know how this works but I’m not complaining because my money is well spent on other things.
In the flying dream, we were supposed to be flying in an airplane, but my memory of it was that we were exposed out there to the sky and the air and hovering over the water without any physical barriers. It was pretty cool. I consider SF my first spiritual home, so the Golden Gate Bridge is a meaningful symbol for me.
Stargazer, I can only type for myself, but anything that is positive is a help to me, personally. To know that others have emerged and are recovering gives me a whole lot of personal hope. Seriously. I’m not joking.
Don’t you deserve to be happy, Stargazer? Don’t we all? Isn’t that what we’re striving to find after we get onto our Healing Paths? YES!! (caps are to be interpreted as semi-joyous shouting) Post positive aspects – positive epiphanies, your triumphs, your goals that were met…
For me, personally, it is something of beauty and grace to read that I will get there, at some point.
Brightest blessings
Stargazer,
There’s nothing wrong with posting positive things in your life, nor sharing your passions that help you on your path to interacting with people cautiously and yet enthusiastically. I share my positive development too.
On the one hand it’s important for survivors to share the downside of the healing from the traumatic past, but it’s also important to read how it is POSSIBLE to lead a happy life again. The first gives a sense of being understood and not alone, the latter gives hope.
Anyway, I’m very pleased that you’re having a good time and re-learning the old from a new perspective. And yes, it is important to do something you feel passionate about in order to feel in the now and present again, to feel overall happy and positive again.
I have that with my new home. Now that I finally live here, with the furniture in it, the painting as I wanted it, and solely the detail decoration and lighting fixtures (instaed of what was still hanging here) needing to be done, I completely understand even more why I needed this place so much. It looks very adult and grown up… LOL, instead of some student/just-starting-to-work kindof place. I am a full blown adult and not regretting it one bit. And the other passion is my physics studies. Both these things helped me to get back on my feet.
Darwinsmom, good thing variety is the spice of life – physics is my worst nightmare. LOL I’m very excited for your new home and your studies, and also your new man that you mentioned before. Sometimes you start with one thing that brings joy and just build on that. I (finally) feel hopeful that I will start attracting decent men into my life, because I’m already doing it. I still don’t know if a primary committed relationship is in the stars for me. I so enjoy having all the different men around. But I’m excited to see how it all goes…. The journey is quite fun at the moment.
Stargazer,
I think we will always keep attracting the same men as before… that is spaths as well as normal men. What does need to change though is who of those WE FEEL ATTRACTED to.
Here’s how I used to see men… wherever I was I would scan the room, street, group, … for the man that I noticed the most and almost immediately, the one who stood out of the crowd. I know that for example the author of venus and mars warned (hunting like) women against going for the man they noticed immediately in a room, the ones who stand out. He’s right, but imo for the wrong reasons. After I read ‘women who love psychopaths’ I finally understand why I shouldn’t do it at all. The first men I notice have something dark, dangerous and edgy to themselves. Heck, I even used to call them ‘dark princes’. I still notice them of course, but now that I know what it implicates, I pretty much ignore them and scan the room for men who I would notice less. Those are the men I will socialize with. There’s one more type of men that I avoid, and I always avoided them… the ones who give me a dirty feeling.
Darwinsmom, “dark princes!” I was always attracted to the dark, silent, brooding type of male. The second exspath “seemed” to be the antithesis of that: quite, “reserved,” old-fashioned, and non-abusive. LMAO!!!! When I made my discovery, it blew the “bad boy” theory right out of the proverbial water! Gosh, I can actually say that it’s funny, now, in a very twisted way.
Personally, I have no intention of entertaining even the notion of another man in my life other than a very superficial relationship. Socialization is one thing that I can manage. A romantic involvement is something that I cannot even entertain.
But, that doesn’t mean that I feel that everyone else should view romantic relationships in the same way that I do – my views apply to me, only. I know that there really are healthy relationships out there. And, it’s a wonderful thing that there are.
From everything that I’ve learned about myself, I know that it’s going to take a long, long time (perhaps, even a lifetime) to un-learn all of those things that made me a perfect target. I believe that I’ll probably always be vulnerable to spath entanglements, and I’m just not willing to give any piece of myself away to man, woman, or child, again.
Brightest blessings
Thruthspeak,
I get why you would translate ‘dark, silent, brooding’ with ‘dark princes’, but it’s not exactly what I mean. I just understand now that I as a high extravert and a leader (dominant in the meaning of a natural initiative taker) myself have a scanner for noticeable men with a high risk of falling into disordered category. The ‘edgy’ and ‘thrilling’ thing about them was that I instinctively feel they can overpower me, either in their extraversion, or introversion or dominance. But since I’m already high on those traits (except introversion), that implies a man who’s in the abnormal range. Not to mention that the charmers fall into the immediate noticeable as well. That scanner also makes me gloss over men who are less extravert or less introvert and less initiative takers, while the likelihood of them falling in a normal category is bigger.
I can’t stop the scanner from scanning as it does, because it is linked to my own temperament. However, I can interprete the results and implications of the scan differently. And yes, I also recognize that a less noticeable man can still be disordered somehow. That is why I say ‘socializing’. I don’t ask myself anymore whether this is someone I can fall in love with, but whether this is someone I can be friends with. If the answer is ‘no’ then I don’t socialize with them anymore.
Darwinsmom, I see what you’re saying. I’m pretty extroverted, as well – I’m comfortable and confident in social situations (oddly enough), and I used to take the role of “leader,” or was given that role by others. I don’t take the lead, anymore, and it’s uncomfortable when I know that I can organize an event or run a class, effectively. But, I’ve got to set limits on my involvement, now.
For me, I was always one toattempt to “save” injured animals, abandoned pets, and emotionally damaged people. I finally recognized that this dangerous trait was directly related to my damaged inner child. Nobody rescued or saved that entity, and it was far less painful to focus on saving someone else than to confront my past issues. After all, I desperately needed (and, wanted) everyone’s approval and acceptance, so any endeavor to rescue someone else would be appreciated, right? LOL That has come to a screeching, grinding halt. I haven’t even begun to save myself, yet, and I dammed sure refuse to allow myself to be drawn into the rescue of someone else.
Right – the scanning is hard-wired, I agree. It’s such an amazing testament to your healing that you can recognize the scan and have the ability to separate that which is hard-wired from what’s pragmatic.
Physics…….I SO LOVE physics, but I suffer from mathophobia. On my father’s side of the family, all of my female cousins earned their Master’s and PhD either in physics or math. And, that’s another thing – I never felt that I measured up to the “family standard.” So, I need to teach myself how to appreciate my own attributes and talents. 😀
Brightest blessings
Darwinsmom, to clarify my response above about “saving” and “rescuing,” I have always had the weirdest experiences throughout my life. When I used to work in retail, I was approached by a number of disabled customers who walked past a number of other sales associates and made a deliberate bee-line to me.
One experience, in particular, will remain with me for the rest of my life. I was approached by a woman who had survived incredible burns to her whole body – the scuttlebutt was that she had been in her basement and the boiler had blown. Her face was horribly scarred and several of her fingers had been burned off or amputated as a result of her injuries. This woman came into the store, and walked past 2 other salespeople and came directly to me. I looked her in the eye, and spoke with her like she was a regular human being – behind those scars and whatever event caused such devastating injuries, she WAS a human being, and deserved to be recognized as one.
As this encounter went on, I learned that she was taking jazz dance classes and was involved in many creative expressions. We chatted and joked, and I began seeing this incredible soul instead of viewing her as a walking scar. I never saw her, again, but that encounter has always remained an inspiration of raw courage for me.
Why is it that these types of folks would head straight for me when there were other people who were clearly more convenient?
In my extensive dating career, I’ve dated one spath for about 3 months (I would call the pedophile some sort of spath, too, though). So that makes two. Most of the men I’ve dated were not spaths. So I wouldn’t say that I’m only attracted to spaths. But I have spent an inordinate amount of time chasing after players at various times. I’m realizing that a lot of it is just my loneliness and taking whatever comes along. Being in a social group with decent men has been really eye opening for me. I am now getting attracted to decent men. But there’s no chasing involved on either side. It’s all very refreshing to me. For me, a lot of it has just been opportunity. The lonelier I get the more I take what comes along.
The guys I like now are not particularly charming or dynamic. But they strike me as real men. Anyway, time will tell. The class goes on for 15 months. That’s plenty of time to get to know someone without the pressure of dating.