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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This year, holidays without the sociopath

Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”

Holiday seasons are looming on the horizon. For those of us who are in recovery, this time of year can be very depressing, or very liberating. For those who are still embedded in the World of Spath, the holiday season can be more desperate than any other time of the year.

Before escaping sociopathic entanglements, the Holiday Season is a time of withhold/reward, predictable outcomes, and ruined expectations. “Perhaps, this year will be better. Perhaps, he/she will make the changes and save the relationship.” Well, if the spath isn’t engaging in withhold/reward, they’re engaging in situational love bombing. If we are pliable to what the spath wants, the children will have presents to open, family members will be invited to celebrate, friends will be allowed to visit, and all will be well with the world. We only have to bargain with the spath to achieve a peaceful, loving, and happy Season.

The predicted outcomes are a result that we have previously experienced routine disappointments, and we know (on an academic level) that there is no bargaining with the spath that will assure that our children, family, friends, and selves will experience any of these desired outcomes. Events will be canceled or unattended. Friends will be uncomfortable in our environments and stay only a short time, or not even drop by. Family members will either attend our gatherings with dread, or not at all. And, we will be left feeling empty, robbed, devalued, and dismissed.

End of the entanglement

Once we have exited the spath entanglement, the Holiday Season might be an opportunity to throw the biggest Pity Party of the year, or it could be an opportunity to construct new traditions and emotional freedoms that previously didn’t exist. Think about how many milestones, important events, and holidays went by without notice. This year could be the best year of our lifetimes – we have the opportunity to celebrate in our own ways, using our own creativity, and actually feel the freedom from the emotional bondage and torment that the socipathic dynamics generated. Then, again ”¦ we could indulge ourselves in self-pity and drive away every person that would enjoy our company. Why regret an illusion that’s finally exposed? What good does it do to ruminate over a system of false beliefs? Weren’t those beliefs proven false? What more could there be to celebrate than truth?

Sure, it’s sad that the spath(s) took so much away from us. But, we can’t rebuild that illusion no matter what we use to try. What they said, what they did, and what they’re doing are important to us only as examples of what we never will allow, again.

My important events were dismissed

In my situation with the exspath, my birthdays, my graduation (with honors), my business grand opening, holidays, and important creative events were all dismissed. And, when I use the word “dismissed,” I mean to say that the exspath would give a cursory nod in my general direction, but preparations, celebrations, and acknowledgement of my accomplishments were never made. When I was honored with a scholarship, I received my award in a campus ceremony, alone. When I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, I walked onto the stage to receive my certificate, alone. After my graduation, there was no card. There was no celebratory dinner or family gathering. My birthdays would come and go with a Hallmark card I would pick out my own gift and purchase my own birthday cake. Holidays were barely acknowledged and my elaborate holiday meals were complimented, but not appreciated. The last several years of my marriage to the second exspath were spent in abject dismissal Adelade was rendered unimportant, inconsequential, and nonexistent by overt and subtle dismissals.

So, this year, I don’t have to experience the predictable disappointments. Regardless of my financial issues, I am free of any obligation to see to the needs of anyone else. I am free of the dismissal and invalidation. I am free to celebrate this freedom to be myself in any way that I choose to. I can prepare dishes that I want to prepare and not have to concern myself with whether the exspath will even appreciate the monumental effort that goes into producing a holiday meal. This year is all about me. This year has the potential to be all about you, as well. Make it happen for yourself. Take this time to grasp onto yourself for validation and appreciation. Recognize that this will be all about you and no longer all about what he/she did or is doing.

May this year be the most emotionally empowering one yet. May this year be the year when we discover our incredible strengths and recognize our vulnerabilities. May this be the year that we finally claim our Selves and set aside the fear of rejection, dismissal, and abandonment and place boulders of strength, courage, resolve, and wisdom as the foundation blocks of our newfound boundaries. This year is The Year Of Recovery for me. May it also be The Year Of Recovery for you.


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65 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This year, holidays without the sociopath"

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Dear Adelade,

HOw right you are!!!!!

It is a shame that we have let so many opportunities for joy and celebration go by during which we felt let down because the psychopath didn’t appreciate or validate it, but in reality, WE are the ones who need to validate our celebrations. It is NICE when we also have someone else to share our joy at a wonderfully prepared dish or an accomplishment, but in the end, it is our own joy that matters.

Like you, I am going to enjoy my own celebrations and my own holidays, not dependent on someone else’s opinions.

There’s one thing to be thankful for – the article that I just read! And, many thanks for all that I have learned and for the sharing that goes on here.

I have been wrestling with trying to find ways to celebrate the holidays. I figure maybe going back to old traditions may help.

With my ex-girlfriend there was always a sense that she was holding back expressions of joy and hapiness and ‘on edge’ and ready to criticize at any moment – even while we hung ornaments on the Christmas tree. It really felt like she hated the idea of others – especially me – being happy. And this applied year ’round. Whenever there was an opportunity to pull together, to get especially close, for example, in a walk around ‘Waterfire’ in Providence, to attend a Groban concert, to stand with me during any legal case I was involved with, to attend a church service, to lie on the beach in the evening and watch the moonrise – she always would find a way to duck out or later ruin the memory with sarcasm, ridicule and criticism. Imagine feeling your heart well up with love and warmth at a moment and thinking how it could be one of the most fulfilling moments in your life- something that you have never experienced before and, you feel like you are about to ‘feel’ emotions that seem eternal and infinite…. and then have someone come up behind you and stab you in the back.
And when you try to express how special the moment is, that is developing – you are told that you are ‘too intense,’ and by the way..what about this or that ‘thing’. Of course, after you are lying on the ground and ‘bleeding out’ – figuratively speaking – she comes to your side and lightly strokes your head.

I just wrote a very long piece in response to this. For some reason, it didn’t post and I lost it.

I’ve battled this problem for most of my life. No contact is the way to go to stop the invalidation and abuse, but to make the holidays or any special memorable, we need to create those events and memories for ourselves.

I’ve gotten very creative with how I will do things differently. I refuse to be alone. I invite people over or go to places where there will be people.

I look for other ways to celebrate the holidays. It isn’t necessary to buy into the mainstream expectations.

I’m so grateful that I don’t have to endure a day of constant criticism and dodging the unpleasant things that are bound to happen.

I know who the positive people are in my life and the places where we can go where we will be welcomed. It turned out that my son and I have spent numerous holidays with my widowed aunt. I was humbled that while I was tempted to feel sorry for us, we actually enriched somebody who was more alone than we were. The day became so special.

I appreciate this article, Adelade, though it brought back some very sad/bad memories.

I know I was so affected by my relationship to my spath, that even though 22 years ago before it all started, I was an accomplished home chef and party-giver extraordinaire, with many appreciative friends, a happy home pleasantly decorated, a nice, growing career, full of hope and dreams…. within a few short years after marriage, you could absolutely see it in the photographs of me at that time — bad skin, dull hair, vacant, desperate, trapped stare in my eyes, holding a toddler and 2 babies on my lap.

No, the elaborate meals were NEVER appreciated. The time I spent doing it (a thing of former pleasure to me — a hobby) was RESENTED and I was punished for it — either in front of the guests or later, after they left. I stopped entertaining. I closed myself up.

Today…. I still do not entertain. It brings back too many bitter memories. I am still wounded from that. PTSD. And I do not decorate my house anymore for the holidays — not any of them! It reminds me of the hopes and dreams of a normal, happy married-with-children life that I will NEVER have. I can’t do it. It seems stupid to me. I just can’t. I still have the boxes of decorations packed away, but I cannot bring myself to open them.

I make a fantastic thanksgiving dinner…. but I have not wanted to for the past couple years.

I know, I know, “loss of interest in things previously enjoyed” is a “sign” of “something.” I don’t think it’s that. Not exactly. It’s just still a big wound with lots of memories and I haven’t been able to approach it completely, yet.

Most of everything I believed in was broken by my relationship with the spath. I can go through the motions, which I often do for the kids, but underneath my joy is not there.

I can be sort of quietly peaceful. I have found NEW interests that are taking the place of the old ones. It’s not so much that my interests have changed (though that is part of it) but because I HAD to find new interests. The old ones, the old hobbies, were too triggering. Still are.

This is such an invisible wound, that’s why it’s so hard. I do believe I appear entirely normal to the world around me.

20years:

HUGS to you. Your post made me feel sadness for you because I understand. And I know so many others here do also. The loss of joy is my greatest hurdle. Nothing has been the same and when other negative things happen in my life, everything is amplified. I just don’t feel good right now. Before it was mentally, but now it is mentally and physically as I am fighting off a virus I think. I am not sick; I just feel kind of lousy physically right now.

I have family struggles again right now and it’s defeating. I don’t really want to say anymore about it…what’s the point really?

Have a good day everyone.

Thank you for writing this article Adelade. My favorite line is where you wrote, “What more could there be to celebrate than truth?”

Perhaps what we should be aiming for is a national holiday to celebrate the truth. It would be a positive, happy holiday that raises awareness about getting our heads out of the sand and taking off our rose colored glasses.

20 years, your story resonated with me. Thanksgiving memories are triggering. Beginning with the first one in which spath wanted to celebrate by going to some “friends'” apartment — people I’d never even met — and everyone was sitting around watching graphic pornography on TV. To the last Tgiving dinner I ever cooked, where I spent a hundred dollars on organic, gluten free ingredients, just for me and the spath, but he refused to eat even a bite of it. Later I realized it was because it was poisoned.

With memories like that, and with knowing my family is filled with spaths, we just have to find a new meaning to thanksgiving. Not sure what exactly.

Louise, I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well. Take some echinacea, it will help fight off the virus.

You have the power and knowledge to deal with any toxic people you encounter, even in your family. You can do this.

((Hugs Louise))

skylar:

Thanks. I am resting most of the time when I can to help feel better physically.

I do have the knowledge and power to deal with any toxic people, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. It’s so hard to not act on emotions and instead count on facts, but I am trying. It just seems like it’s always something and I am tired. Thanks for your support.

The “Halloween Holiday”….

For a great many years, I received threatening, stalking,
frightening, voice-altered calls from “IT” on this day.
Imagine that. Doubt I will get any this year!!! mwahahaha!~

I must say that THIS YEAR is FRIGHTFULLY quiet,
for the first time in a great many years. Amazing.
NOTICEABLY AMAZING.

(((Hang in there Louise)))
YOU ARE LOVED.

Dupey

Thanks for this article. It made me very sad, but I’m glad I read it. All those things you had to do alone… that’s exactly what my life with my exspath was like. I labored alone with all of my child births (he was there in body only), mothered alone (again he was there, but in body only), and suffered alone (he cared not one bit when I was sick, in pain, losing a loved one, lonely, scared, or in any other myriad of ways suffering). The aloneness was so devastating. I was nothing to him. He hated me and I knew it, despite his hollow assertions.

Holidays were all about him and his traditions. Well, actually so was life. I learned quickly to ask for nothing, expect nothing, and complain about nothing. If I needed anything from him, I was dysfunctional. If I complained about anything, I was harassing him and I was delusional because he provided everything a woman could ask for; why couldn’t I see that?

He loved holidays; especially Christmas. BUT he ruined every single Christmas for me and the kids. He’d charge, charge, charge us into the poor house to buy a bunch of crap we didn’t need. And this is weird; almost every gift he bought for me or for the kids was really for himself!!!! I’ve never seen anything like it. Gifts in disguise you could say. And he’d buy more gifts for himself and WRAP THEM!!! Who the hell does that?

I was never allowed to have company. Not even on holidays. The loneliness was devastating. Only his family was welcome.

This will be my first holiday season since I was freed from him. (I considered myself rescued, literally). I have absolutely no sadness or concern whatsoever about what it will be like because nothing could be as bad as having spent all those holidays (12 years worth) with him.

Oh, and yes I remember the bargaining. Nothing was ever freely given. Any tiny token of human compassion or regard had to be gleaned through bargaining, and then he had to be praised as if he was the most giving man on earth.

I don’t know what the holidays will bring for me this year. I am depressed, struggling for reasons I don’t understand. But despite that, I am so very thankful that I’ve been rescued from this evil man.

to Louise and lovinglem,

My heart goes out to you. Whatever you are going through. Louise, I am fighting off a virus, too! It is true I have built my immune system up, but had some extra stress recently, and I think that’s all it takes sometimes. I hope you get the better of this one.

lovinglem, that is so well put, what you said. Yes, the loneliness.

I figured out that I have this “need.” when I figured it out, I really had to laugh, because I suspect it is a need that everyone has. I can’t speak for anyone else, but when I figured it out, I wondered why I hadn’t figured it out before. here goes: I absolutely long to be fully known by someone, and then fully accepted, as I am. As simple as that. It has been the great unmet need of my entire life. Not my parents, not any man I ever spent time with (including my spath ex-husband), ever got very far with the “knowing me” part.

I am sure that it started so early in my life that I just didn’t realize what was missing. So it was easier for me to not recognize what was missing, when spath came along (and all those other guys that preceded him).

I am with someone now who I think has this capacity to know me, to want to know me *more* and to accept the me that he finds, whatever me that is at any given time. I am still extremely cautious and taking it very slow. (I have been dating him for two years).

the loneliness in the “now” is starting to crack, but the cracking and opening up REALLY HURTS because I’m 50 years old and I’ve never known this before. Now that I think I have found the sort of relationship that has been missing…. the pain seems so much more intense. It was easier to be numb or blocked or not knowing what I was missing.

And I deeply regret that I did not know sooner, because I would have parented my children differently. I know I have been a good mom, but I have also been putting a happy face on when I have been shellshocked, and I worry about the effects of that on my kids.

I’m opening up more, but I am still so scared that I might be wrong… I am afraid. I think the joy is lurking out there somewhere, but I am still just too scared. It seem safer, for now, to stick with “quietly peaceful, accepting” as an alternative to the abusive drama I endured for so long.

I’m not ready to open up to “joy” just yet.

But I’m hopeful.

20years,

I believe that need you describe is universal. We all have it, especially women. Did you ever hear the song, “Have You Ever Loved a Woman?” by Bryan Adams? This song is all about that need we have to be KNOWN and LOVED for who we are. Listen to it on Itunes or look up the lyrics. It’s so well written and so true. This guy understands women, or he’s a master manipulator (only the victim of a spath would contemplate such though!). I think he really understands. See, I still have faith in God and hope for humanity!

Oh, and believe it or not, that need that women have to be truly known and understood is mentioned in the Bible!!! Yes, it truly is. Men are admonished in the bible to really know their wives, to understand them, to care about their deepest needs and desires. If you want to read about this there’s a fabulous book that you can read. It’s called, “The Complete Husband” by Lou Priolo. I read it and it really helped me to understand that my needs and desires as a woman and as a wife were not only normal (my spath always told me I was irrational and dysfunctional), but they were part of me because that’s the way God created women. The song I mentioned seems to have been written by someone who understands this Biblical truth. It’s really amazing!!!

lovinglem,

I like what you said, and your suggestions — I will check them out! It is validating and comforting to hear someone say that what I feel and feel that I need is normal and because that is the way that God made me. That is a very healing thing to hear. Thank you.

For now…. off to bed. Got to get this cold virus out of me!

🙂

Every year for yearssssss my egg donor would raise a ruckus at any holiday that I did NOT want to spend it with her brother Uncle Monster, the psychopath that had held his wife and children at gun point and his mother, my grandmother, at age 75 at gun point while he drank and raged….not just once but multiple times. I did NOT want to share “holiday cheer” or a “hholiday meal” with him. Period!~

She would always cry that I was RUINING HER HOLIDAY….and that I was going to hell because I wouldn’t “forgive” and forget….well, I would take my kids/husband and who ever else wanted to share a meal with me to some place else to celebrate and egg donor would whine and cry.

Then my living hhistory group started having Thanksgiving 3-5 day camp out at a state park near us so we started going there for TG and then at Xmas I would go visit friends or just celebrate here at my house until Uncle Monster finally died.

Since then and being NC with egg donor I have actually just lost the “taste” for much “Celebration” for Christmas….it brings back more memories of egg donor’s ugly scenes than any joy. But son D and I go out to eat and exchange our token gifts (we don’t go buy much for each other as we really have all we need or want and if we find something the other would like during te year we get it and give it to them then…then for the actual holiday son D goes to spend time with his bio family and I just spend quiet time here at the farm.

Well….the idea thhat we are “supposed” to have some kind of Normal Rockwellian celebration with this close ideal family all in peace and harmony and hhappiness for many folks just is NOT REALITY. “Holidays” are what and when we make them.

Today after a fairly stressful week, my son D and I declared a HOLIDAY and we took the “day off” from the long “to do” list that we hhave and we took a drive up scenic highway 7 to Harrison AR and looked at te wonderful vistas along the way through the Ozark National forest and stopped at our favorite used book store, a couple of junk stores, a place that sells wonderful locally made jellies and jams, ate lunch at a great place, and just enjoyed the day. No “celebration” with candles and wine and great food could ave been any better than the HOLIDAY WE HAD TODAY. It was what we needed, when we needed it, and we came home with a bucket full of good memories, with books and things that we will enjoy…and time just spent talking without any pressure….and in fact, told each other things that we had been thinking about but had forgotten to tell each other, discussed plans for projects we want to do, made some decisions about things we needed to decide….and laughed and did what people who love each other should do….spend time together.

Ox,, That’s what I call a good day, a bucket full of memories and no stress….ya’ll needed that.
There are so many thing’s around my farmette that need to be done, but I just might leave it for the next owner…

dear dupey………………………….. BOO~!

Hens, there was a sign on the door at the used book store “come in costume get a free book” and I went in and said “I’m in costume as an old lady on a walker…does that count?” so I got a free book off the $1 [email protected] LOL

Yea, it was a great day and after this week I needed it. Getting scammed for $2600 wasn’t fun. BUT….I did find out that the guy who was one of the con men works for/with some cops….and I doubt that he would want his reputation soiled with his cop buddies, so I may have his cajones in a vice and may be able to get my money refunded. Will see. If not, I have a good court case, so will do whatever I have to do. But you know, I just HATE DEALING WITH CROOKS….and I got love bombed by him and one of his partners (not a cop) and I fell for it hook line and sinker. You’d think by now I would have wised up a BIT!

Oxy,
excellent investigative work! One caveat: the cops may be dirty too. birds of a feather…flock together. Remember, spaths recognize each other. Still, if the spath values his mask (and they all do) you may have an in because the dirty cops value THEIR masks too. When it comes to spaths, the mask is EVERYTHING.

yeah, no matter what you might gain, the slime will be hard to wash off. Just dealing with them makes us feel dirty. argh.

icky.

Sky, I just want my money back! That would help! Actually, I doubt that the cops were involved at all….probably didn’t even know about it….but will just see what happens…I don’t think that they want their names involved with him if I have to go to court to get my money back….I have the court case NAILED….and so I think they would throw him under the bus to protect their own reputations. That is one thing about spaths and con men is that they have no loyalty to each other either.

Oxy,
I didn’t mean that the cops were involved in your situation, but simply that they may have some loyalty to him or just a desire to do evil.

But you are right, they all value their masks, so any threat there is a way to get your money back, hopefully. If the money doesn’t exist anymore, you might still be able to mine them for something in trade? Just cross your t’s and dot your i’s.

it’s so disheartening to know that spaths are everywhere.

Oxy:

Wow, I am so surprised someone like you who knows so much about people like this got scammed. It makes me afraid that it will happen to me again. I don’t know though…I don’t trust anyone now and just say no when someone is trying to sell me something I don’t want. I have learned so much. Not saying that you haven’t. I just don’t see myself giving in to ANYONE!! I am so jaded now. I REALLY hope you get your money back. That is awful 🙁

hens: how did the frog get to the other side of the road?

Louise, I have been kicking myself in the butt for several days now that I got scammed. I HAD A FEELING I WAS BEING LOVE BOMBED but I told my gut to shut up because I WANTED the “love bomb” person to be genuine. BTW this was a business deal not a romantic deal but I thought that person B might become a CLOSE friend. Yea, RIGHT! LOVE BOMB…..all the way and I fell for it, even seeing it. DANG IT! I knew better….

BUT, I will probably get my money back from the person A that I paid most of it to, if not all the money I paid to all three of the people involved. I have proof it was a scam, and I also have proof that the item they sold me was actually STOLEN, so I can get a judgment against person A for the entire amounts I paid A, B and C….there is a contract and the contract was CLEARLY violated, and the product was FAULTY.

But I let person B tell me “what a great deal this is” and ya da ya da….and even after I found out that person A had actually agreed to sell the product on commission for the original owner, he had sold it to me and NOT paid the original owner.

So it will all turn out….I may not get my money back and I may. I found out that person A works with the police and sells them products so he might not want them to know he scammed a “pore little ole widder lady” and sold her something that was stolen.

Anyway…if I don’t get my money back, I got a “semester” at the University of Hard Knocks.

My son D and I talked today about how we TRUSTED or didn’t trust people and who was inside our INNER CIRCLE OF 100% TRUST….and who was in the different “rings” of levels of trust. We also talked about how some people who had been in our INNERMOST CIRCLE OF 100% TRUST had screwed us over, betrayed us and how badly it hurt.

These people were not “close friends” that I had known for a long time and they scammed me, but they were con men (women) who knew a “mark” when they saw one coming and sold me a “bill of goods” they knew was no good.

Just like a used car salesman can more easily cheat some little old lady when he goes to sell her a car because she isn’t a mechanic, but that same used car salesman would have had a difficult time selling my husband a “lemon” because my husband knew what problems to look for in a used car and were and how to look for them.

In this case, I knew what to look for, but I gave the guy the money up front and I should not have done so….but it was a deal that was “too good to be true” and it was NOT true….LOL

So, buyer beware. Don’t give out your trust until you see how people are over a period of time in different situations and if you see a RED FLAG for goodness sakes HONOR IT and at least back up. People do not sell a bar of REAL GOLD for $1.00 so if someone is trying to sell you a gold bar for $1.00 do more than just scratch the surface of the gold bar, check it out before you give them your money. or your love. or your trust.

Anyone, no matter how smart you think you are or how wise you think you are or how smart or wise others think you are can be conned —even Bob Hare says they con him as well. LOL So I guess I am in good company.

Just be CAUTIOUS, especially with those who you don’t know.

Oxy:

I understand. I guess no matter how much we think we are immune to these robbers, we can still be scammed. Sometimes it just happens even though we know better. I am just glad to hear that you will probably get your money back…that is important. And also to expose these crooks.

Because these people were not close friends of yours and in your circle of trust, at least you do not have that “personal” hurt feeling. Yeah, you got scammed and you are mad and rightfully so, but it was not someone you cared about and trusted who duped you. That makes it a double whammy when that happens. Keep us posted on the outcome.

Jeepers, OxD, I’m so sorry you were scammed. And, don’t be so hard on yourself. It was a lesson well-learned and, in the long run, about as cheap as any semester at a Community College! LOL!! HUGS TO YOU!

Louise, nobody is immune. Not ever. It’s a lifelong lesson that “bad people” are everywhere and we’re all susceptible under specific circumstances. So, OxD’s recent bad experience is a reminder to me that I’ll have to be “on guard” for the rest of my life. Even still, that’s no guarantee that I won’t be taken in, again.

Brightest blessings

Truthy and Louise,

Being “scammed” and realizing it and realizing what you did to ALLOW yourself to be scammed is a GOOD lesson and one that we have to RELEARN again and again until we get it. Even then we are NEVER IMMUNE TO GETTING SCAMMED AGAIN.

Scams are like bad colds…they mutate and there are so many versions of them that we may get another one any time.

Some scams are like the Measles, you get it once and you are IMMUNE FOR LIFE….

But just because you get scammed and learn from it does not mean that you won’t get burned again. The “trick” is that we have to learn to SPOT scams eariler before we get burned too badly and to FREAKING LISTEN TO OUR GUTS. I realized at a fairly early point I was being love bombed by person B but I had already paid for the product up front…person B was just grooming me for a CONTINUING supply for herself. Fortunately, that did not happen. At least I cut it off before it got To be SERIOUS money (like tens of thousands of dollars)

I just “bit too quickly” on a “deal too good to be true” and that I admit is my own fault. In the meantime, I am having to search for a replacement for the “used car” I got stung on. (It really wasn’t a car, but you get the idea)

Years ago my husband and I became involved in a business deal with a man that had love bombed us and I had been WARNED by someone I respected, but I discounted the warning….and we got scammed for 10s of thousands of dollars. I went back to the person who warned me and told them that I was sorry I had not listened.

After that I took a job working for a woman who had love bombed me and offered me the “job of a life time” and was warned about her as well…and danged if I didn’t get bitten by her as well. Fortunately, I was in a position that when I saw what was going on (about 6 months) I was in a position that I resigned THAT DAY…and as it turned out, I got a better job and one in which I could spend more time with my family and it was actually a godsend because I could be with my beloved step father during his last 18 months with cancer and be there for him. I also didn’t know that it was the last year of my husband’s life and I got to spend a LOT more time with him for which I am eternally grateful that the “dream job” didn’t turn out to be true because if it had I would not have been able to be with Daddy or with my husband those last months.

So I do tend to think that things happen “for a reason” and if we are willing to FIND THE LESSON in things that “seem bad” that we can in the end, turn it around for good.

Life and learning are journeys….and we need to enjoy the journeys and learn the lessons, because if we don’t, we will get to repeat them until we do learn them. God bless.

Oxy,

I am truly sorry you got scammed. Good at least that you didn’t get involved any further than that amount already (which for me is a big sum).

But you’re right. It’s not stamped on someone’s forehead they plan to scam you or that they’re spaths. Whether we are dating or doing business or making friends there always will be a chance of encountering a spath and those with good masks won’t be easily recognized from the get go.

Robert Hare himself says that you need to get to know a person a bit before you can have enough info on that person falling in a category you better should avoid. And he says he can still be conned and scammed by psychopaths: that the psychopath is the one he ends up giving his money to when asked.

We can’t prevent meeting spaths, we can’t prevent being targeted (not without changing our inner soul drastically, and personally I cannot give up my integrity and who I am because of there being spaths in the world), and we can’t always prevent giving them some supply… all we can do is recognize and admit the red flags as soon as we notice them and pull away again.

That couple of last weekend, it took me 3 meetings with them, particularly the husband of the couple, to realize something’s amiss there. And I didn’t even got the full picture of there being red flags on the third meeting. Took me two days to realize I don’t really trust their intentions, because of the red flags of last Friday. But now they have my phone number and they gave me a lift home so they know where I live too. And it already bothers me I’ll have to see who’s calling and not pick up the phone if their name pops up on the calling screen. But I’m happy I didn’t go out with them on Saturday. I still hadn’t fully acknowledged the level of red flags of the night before, and just thinking of making new friends. But at some level I knew it would just be too fast, too rapid, so I used the excuse of a hangover for myself and them to back out of the going out together. I’m not sorry of that at all anymore.

I just cannot help it to enter conversation and an acquaintance without assuming innocence until the red flags come up. And I do not want to give up that way of being either.

Oxy:

I understand that we do learn from these encounters and that things happen for a reason and all that is fine and good, but I must ask the question that is gnawing at me…why are we still ignoring the “gut” feelings?? You said so yourself that you ignored your gut feelings about this transaction and even with all you know (and we know you know a lot!!), you still fell for it. So my question is WHY? We really need to research this and ask ourselves why if we have the knowledge…why are we still not listening to our instincts when we know something doesn’t feel right?? Is it just human nature? Is it because we WANT things to be true?? Do we still believe as human beings that all must be good in the world and certainly someone wouldn’t be trying to dupe us??

Anyway, again, so sorry this happened to you and thankfully it wasn’t worse and you learned early on instead of being pulled even more into it. But I would love to hear your answers to my questions and anyone else please!!

Darwin’smom, no, you are right, we must not live in acute anxiety all the time or hyper vigilance either…jumping at the sound of every creek in the house as the temperature changes, but we must at the same time be VIGILANT that we LISTEN TO OUR GUTS…and frankly I was so enchanted by this woman I didn’t listen to my gut.

I am going to do my best to get my money back and do what is RIGHT in the situation and not be taken in again. AT least not by these same people. LOL

But in the future I will listen to my GUT and RESPECT IT….

Louise and Oxy,

I had a gut feeling about that couple on Friday, but even on the two previous times I met them… the thing is ‘gut feelings’ can sometimes be rather silent. Our gut isn’t screaming, but just no more than a slight uncomfortableness we are barely aware of.

We need quiet and time and rest to really hear our gut feeling. When we interact with people, we get a lot of input and have a lot of internal noise and thoughts sometimes all at once. Spaths tend to create a lot of noise to interfere with that: lovebombing, flattery, time pressure, drama, etc… That is why it’s so hard to listen to our gut, especially at the moment of the propositions being done.

The best thing is always to give yourself at least several days of time in between someone proposing something to you and to give your brain the time to filter out the noise and instead zoom in into the moments where you felt uncomfortable.

darwinsmom:

Good point! So true!! It really does explain why even when we are having those gut feelings, we don’t always heed them…too much other noise and input going on. Thanks!!

Louise,

First off, I wanted what was being sold to me as a “bargain”–it was something I needed, and something I wanted, and the price was about half of what I would have expected to have paid, and lady B was telling me what a great deal it was….and danged if it didn’t APPEAR to be a great deal….and so I put the money up front with a signed contract that if it wasn’t what it appeared to be I would get my money back….well, of course the product turned out to be FAULTY. And I SUSPECT that lady B was in on a “bait and switch” con job. I can’t prove she was in on it, but I suspect, and I know she was giving me a big time love bomb about what a great person I was and how God had brought us together for a purpose…make me puke…it was over the top and I still wanted to believe she was sincere….and I wanted the product at that price.

It boils down to the fact that if something is too cheap there may be a CRITICAL flaw in it. In this case there was. It is, using the “used car” as an analogy again, it is like I bought this GREAT looking car, but it has no engine in it. It looks great but it will not run. It won’t take me where I need to go. Not realizing that there was no engine in the car, I hired lady B to reupholster the seats and her son to paint the outside of the car….now that I find out that the car has no engine, well, if I had known that I wouldn’t have hired it reupholstered or painted now would I? So A sold me the car, with a guarantee it ran well, with B telling me she and her son could fix it up the interior and the paint job and I would have a great car….then I find out there is no engine.

Well, I was a fool for buying the car without giving it a test run and for not “opening the hood” and looking inside FIRST before I gave Mr. A the money or paid Ms. B and her son to fix up the rest of the “car.”

I think I fell for the “love bomb” because I wanted and needed a “car” and I thought that THAT “car” would be a great deal at that price, even with the extra cost of the fixing up…and I bought and paid for the “car” and the “fix” up witout checking on if it ran or not….now the “car” has to go to the “wrecking yard” as scrap and I still need to buy a “car”—-

I feel foolish, and I feel like kicking myself soundly with my huge plastic cast that’s on my foot, and banging myself over the head soundly with my cyber skillet. BOINK!!!!

My son says “get off it, quit kicking yourself” and I know I should and I do it anyway, because “I should know better”—-there’s that word again “I should” well I maybe should have but I DIDN’T and that makes me lose trust in MYSELF.

I have lost that feeling I had of that I can keep myself safe. And yes, it may not be hundreds of thousands of dollars, but it is a significant amount to me, money I don’t have to “spare.”

No one, even Bob Hare is “immune” from being “had” by con men (women) and I guess all of us like it when people brag on us, say good things to us, think nice things about us, and I like to be liked, I like it when people tell me nice things about myself. When people NOTICE nice things about me. I guess that’s why I fall for the love bomb. LOL

But now I am treating people who are in this same business as I search for a new source of a “used car” like…welll….like “used car salesmen.” LOL I don’t have much trust in any of them.

No One is immune to being set up by someone who has a hidden agenda to defraud. SOMETIMES the flimflam man does NOT get away with it, but let’s face facts, MOST times they do b/c it WORKS for them.

Some lowlifes know to borrow someone else’s cloak of respectability, so they hang with the cops. It’s a great place to learn how to avoid getting caught AND the cops are biased TOWARDS the lowlife b/c they think him a helpful friend so there must be a mistake. They are DUPES just like any other. OR…. they are MINIONS, in on it.

What I think Oxy’s experience shows is that she is not infallible BUT she is way ahead with her thinking. When I was victimized by a sociopath, I got all drama and narcissistic; I wondered what I did wrong that made that person DO such a thing to me. I wondered what I should have done so the socipath would have treated me nicely. I agonized over MY failing to be a good enough person or else the abuse would never have been done to me. Sounds so silly as I type this, but I was a basketcase trying to figure it out. I DO give myself a break b/c I LEFT him and it was a couple of years later when I found this LOVEFRAUD site and realized he was a sociopath. THEN all the pieces made sense.

I am sorry you were taken advantage of Oxy, but I applaud you for not being the helpless female trying to figure out how you could have upset someone enough that they would harm you. No fem fatale, not you. TOWANDA is what comes to my mind. with a followup echo of BRAVO (for doing what you can about it.)

Oxy:

I guess it’s just like all women who fall for the “love bomb” because they want and need a “man.” That’s probably what it all comes down to in romantic relationships. And falling into bed too fast.

Hmmmm, I guess if no one is immune to all this spathy stuff, then why are we here? If we are never REALLY going to be free, if we are never really going to not be a target and if we “may” fall again, isn’t all this talk we do futile?? Why try to learn so much if we are just going to fall for it again?

Louise,
first red flag for me: ANY EMOTION AT ALL IN MY GUT. If I FEEL anything, anything at all, toward a person I just met, that’s a red flag. Spaths prey exclusively on our emotions, in order to con us.

Normal people with normal boundaries, do not elicit emotions from us at first glance. or even second glance, but spaths do.

Whether that emotion is fear, love, envy, disgust, doesn’t matter.

The reason normal people don’t elicit emotions from us is because they are careful not to do so. It’s good manners not to go around affecting other people emotionally. Sure, there are exceptions, like this blog for instance. But even here, we generally tell our story and then restrain ourselves from too much further histrionics.

Still, we can’t judge someone after one little red flag, but it should put us on notice to look for more. The love bomb (charm) is the hardest to overlook because we want to believe that there are people in the world who really do appreciate us for ourselves, who can see the real “me” and like me.

Then the pity ploy, that was one that I had a hard time overlooking. Even a KNOWN spath elicits compassion from me. I really feel bad for someone who is that messed up.

Rage, is the easiest to see. But even then I’ve seen people excuse it. Bizarre.

Louise, you asked why we still “ignore” our gut feelings, even after we’ve been in recovery. I can only speak for myself, but this is how I view it: mankind (as a species) does not utilize instincts, anymore. We have, essentially, given over trust in our instincts to trust in everything else. From advertising to internet dating profiles, we accept what we see, hear, and BELIEVE without question. And, we were RAISED to trust human beings, feel responsible for their well-being, and allow everyone the “benefit of the doubt.”

I never LEARNED that it’s absolutely acceptable to cut people out of contact because they’re behaving badly. I never learned that MY well-being is what comes first and that I am only responsible for myself, and not everyone else.

I know someone who, at this very moment, is grappling with the ugly truths about a significant other, and even though she has seen and shared in my personal devastations as the result of spath manipulations, she’s in absolute and complete denial of her own situation. And, it boils down to her own fears of losing a home that she really has no business attempting to cling onto. She is maintaining a very damaging and manipulative relationship with someone who has taken her for an extraordinary ride on the Toxic Train out of fear of losing property.

There’s so many “Red Flags” that come into play whenver we’re interacting with other people that I agree 100% with Skylar that we’re overwhelmed with too much information and that we need to stop, look, listen, and OBSERVE before we become entangled with ANYONE, whether they’re romantic involvements or platonic relationships.

No, not everyone has “an agenda.” But, I’m seeing that more, and more, the people that I come into contact with are often toxic without being socipathic. And, I cannot abide any more toxicity in my life – criminy crissmass, I have enough of my OWN toxicity to purge without absorbing someone else’s!

Pity ploys are the most glaring, of all, for me. Everyone has had a hard-luck story in their lifetime. But, the people who seem to wander beneath a black cloud of drama/trauma are the ones that I avoid like Ebola Virus. Something is always happening: an injury; a workplace drama; financial issues; etc. It’s never frigging ending, and these people are soul-suckers. They draw me in via my empathy and compassion, and drain my precious energies until I’m exhausted, on every level. Yes. Pity. Nope. I don’t go there, anymore.

Brightest blessings

skylar:

Very interesting. I have said the exact same thing regarding the emotions that the spath evoked in me and how that wasn’t normal. Normal people do not evoke emotions like that in people. I told OW exactly that. After all, this guy had three women in three years FALL IN LOVE with him and he was married! Who does that? Only an spath who is using his predatory skills, charm and pity ploy can do that and I just didn’t see it. I thought it was just “him.” Hahaha, it should have been a red flag when an executive was pursuing me and giving me a pity ploy about events in his life!!! HUH??? BUT…again, because he is English and that’s a different culture, I just thought it was part of his being. Oh, it’s a part of his being alright!!!

Anyway, you are perfectly correct on all levels. I agree, I also feel bad for someone that messed up. Too bad.

I never saw the rage, but I am sure it’s there. He keeps that one well under wraps, but I am sure it comes out behind closed doors. Thank you soooooo much for your insights.

Truthspeak:

I agree. These have to be the reasons we ignore our gut. That’s too bad about your friend who is holding onto to a toxic relationship so she doesn’t lose her home, but some people are deathly afraid of that and will do anything to hold on to their home.

Yep, a lot of toxicity out there for sure. It can all just stay way from me. I have had enough for a lifetime!

Louise, another very important factor in the dismissal of gut feelings is cognitive dissonance. WE would never target someone, use them up, and then toss them out like a snotrag, so we assume that other human beings will be of like mind. We are compelled to fit the bad behaviors of other people into OUR flawed systems of beliefs that “everyone deserves a second chance,” and that they “can’t possibly be as bad as all that,” when it’s clear that they really ARE as bad as all that.

Brightest blessings

OxD, I want to personally express my sincere appreciation for your complete open honesty about your most recent experiences. It takes a whole HELL of a lot of guts and strength to speak about being scammed, even with all of the years of recovery and wisdom under one’s belt.

Many of us look to you as the Mama Bear With The Iron Skillet, and that you are comfortable enough in your own skin to discuss these experiences without any fear of having someone say, “Well, OxD, you should have KNOWN better,” is absolutely empowering to me.

I wish that you hadn’t had those experiences, but I’m so grateful that you’ve posted about them with such truth and honesty – it keeps the possibility of becoming a target regardless of recovery as something very important to be aware of.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak:

Cog/diss without a doubt. Yep, we think because we wouldn’t do these horrible things to someone, they are not doing them to us, but they did. And they will. We just have to be ready for it and push it away. No more. Thank you.

Adelade:

Thank you for this article! Thought it was just my ex-spath who denigrated holidays. He said that it was “stupid” (everything was reduced to stupid) that people got together and were “nice” to each other only one or two times a year. I tried to explain that wasn’t the case and to make him see that the anticipation of kids opening gifts, or trying a new recipe, or any one of a hundred other reasons why holidays were so special to me, was the reason I enjoyed Christmas & Thanksgiving so much. Even though it was a lot of work! But I did it out of love for others. And fun!

Yeah, that was pointless!! Of course, he couldn’t get it. And for him, it just provided more fodder for his mind-games, his withhold/reward technique (thanks for finally giving that a name, Adelade!) and disappointed expectations. God, I am so glad he is out of my life. Thanks for the article.

Truthspeak: your post at 11:32 was absolutely spot on!
It’s inconceivable to us that someone CAN be as bad as
all that – especially someone we have trusted and was
so close with for so many years. It was like the Dr. Jekyl
Mr. Hyde effect. Like being pushed from a cliff and you
never see it coming because you are making allowances
for that ‘second chance’, thinking EVERYONE has a conscious
and that just isn’t the case. I know that is and has been VERY
hard for me to accept this ugliness I see all around me, any-
more. I almost feel like an ‘alien’ of some kind on a new
planet. I spent so many years doing the public service
thing, ignoring how times have really changed. My oh my,
how things have changed in my lifetime. UNBELIEVABLE.

There are heartless and cold and cruel PREDATORS among
us and I do liken them to the devil himself. The AUTHOR
of drama and confusion.

Liked your analogy: ‘snotrag’….hahahaha
When in reality, THEY are truly the snotrags.

Happy day, ya’ all – I am off to get yelled at by my doctor.
ahahahahahahahah

Dupey

Newlife43, it’s the feeling of being minimized and dismissed. Whatever is important to the targets: birth, death, graduation, promotion, civic award, etc, THESE things are reduced to being meaningless to them by their own actions, and translates to us, by proxy. OUR accomplishments and special occasions are of no consequence, so WE are of no consequence. Minimalizing and devaluing.

Dupey, yeah – to accept the cold, hard fact that some people do not possess a conscience, remorse, and/or empathy is incomprehensible.

Hope your doc doesn’t yell too loud! 😀

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak: That is a very harsh, cold FACT, isn’t it?
VERY difficult to comprehend, that there ARE people
who will snatch your very last breath from you if you
ALLOW them to. Even, sometimes, the ones who tell
us they ‘love us’.

It’s all about what we ALLOW.
What we don’t ALLOW.

Six months out, I can look back now, and I can see
it all for what it really was and I am still HORRIFIED
that there are people like this running around loose
amongst all the rest of us. CHILLING is the word.

Doc didn’t yell too loud.
Actually, I got a “WONDERFUL” when I asked how I
was doing….rearranged some meds and we’ll see how
that works now.

Hugs and Blessings Truthspeak…
Have a nice weekend.

A SPATH FREE WEEKEND.

😛

Dupey

OMG. Do I have a story to tell….but, I hesitate to do so, because I don’t know for sure who may be lurking. I think I may have entertained a spath unaware…even though I know the signs, the red-flags, and all the under-pinnings….and, yes, I fell for the pity-ploy, and the love-bombing….although, in a slightly disguised form, not really love or romance, but mutual understanding, respect, and friendship…..mutual admiration. Ahhhhh, yeah,
I reveiled my under-belly. Yep. Toatally. I was forth-coming, believing we were kindred spirits, and understood each-other.
I have not dated anyone in over six years.
This was a regular customer at work, who I have been aquanted with for about 20 years….thru AA, and had a lot of faith in.
I talked to him candidly, about being happy being alone and single, not wanting a relationship, but, maybe a freindship….I told him I studied sociopaths and did research online, and when that guy e-mailed Donna that he had dated a woman who was a victim of a sociopath, and wanted Donna’s advice on how to win her over, I was creeped out. I wondered if it was my casual customer, whom I had confided in.
We made plans about 2 months ago to grill steaks and I brought a salad and some home made french-bread. It went ok, but I felt then, that it wasn’t right. I wasn’t attracted to him romantically or physically, but I felt that he was. So, I just cooled the engines, and was friendly with him at work.
In the mean time I got a new phone. I didn’t give him my number. Neither did I call him.
Over time, we got closer. I let my guard down, again. We laughed a lot…seemed to see eye to eye. He had my back when my SIL was being a jerk, and also when fellow employee was stealing the sales money.
Because I was looking forward to a holiday season alone, avoiding ass-hole SIL, I asked him what he was doing for Thansgiving. We made tentative plans.
As the weather changed, he told me he had a pot belly stove out-side, in a breezeway, and was enjoying cooking on it…he had cooked both, meatloaf and chicken. He asked if I would come, and enjoy the cool weather outside around the pot=belly stove and have dinner. I agreed. I would bring something, though I didn’t know what.
It is so hard to type this out….the story is so long winded, but you have to know the details.
So, I had Mon, Tues, and Wes, off and we agreed on Tues.
On Monday, I was trying to decide what I would cook for myself for dinner, (one of the few things I enjoy doing on my days off, and knew I had to go to the grocery store anyway, (less than a block from the restaraunt where I work….the weather was absolutely gorgeious, and I thought, why not ask L if he wants to meet me for coffee. So I called, got his voice mail, asked, then said call me back, let me know. I waited at least an hour, then decided to just go to dollar general and get some frozen hamburger and make spagetti.
Later, that night I called him, after a glass of wine, and light-heartedly said, “what? You can’t call somebody back?” Come to find out he had tried to call me, using my old expired phone number, had gone to the restaraunt, and then driven by my hopuse and my bike was gone. I had gone to Dollar General by then.
Well, Ok. Are we still doing dinner, tomorrow? “Yep” He says. We decide 7 O’clock.
I spend the firat part of the day deciding what I will bring. Then I have to decide if I want to go all the way to the BIG grocery store to get my stuff. I finally decide to go back to the dollar store. I buy canned collard greens, and bacon. I make cornbread from scratch, blackeyed peas from the bag of dried beans, and home-made mac and cheese. He is making meat-loaf.
At 6:45 he is knocking on my door, and I am just getting everything out of the oven and in traveling containers. I see he is in a strange car. I am baffled, but, I invite him in, and he says, “I am not here to pick you up at 7’oclock…Leslie called” and then, he goes ballistic on me……Do you have a number I can reach you at…well, do you? can I have your phone number? why didn’t you give me your phone number. Do you have a cell- phone? Why don’t I have your number. This was so pff the wall and intimidating that I was dumb-founded….I couldn’t even remember my own phone number.
Well, turns out that he was trying to call my old safe’link number…but, I made it clear to hin that I THOUGHT HE WOULD CHECK HIS CALL LOG to get my number…so he says, “so this is MY fault.” “Nope”, I say, Not your fault, just a misunderstanding. Then I say, “when I called you last night, I thought you would access my number from you call log”….Get this: He says, “How in the hell am I supposed to know you called me last night?” Are you FKM? WTF? “L”, I say, do you remeber me calling you last night?” Yes. He does.
So, is anyone wondering who Leslie is? Leslie is his married fellow alcoholic that he enables, and is in love with. He was involved in an intervention that put her in treatment a couple of months ago. Apperantly she got out.
After him going away mad, and my head spinning, living in the WTF for an hour or so, I called him, got his voice mail and said, “Wow, not sure what just happened there, but, I think the whole phone number thing was a misunderstanding we can work through. I’m not sure where your anger was coming from, and I’m not really comfortable with it, but, I guess you were understandably frustrated. I feel bad about the whole thing.
At about 9 o’clock, after I’ve gone back to dollar general to buy some frozen ribs, so I can have some meat with my hard-cooked dinner, eaten, done the dishes, put the left overs away, he’s on my porch, knocking on my door.
Now, he’s still angry, being a jerk, implying that because I said I felt bad, it was my fault, and (OFGS) didn’t I ask him to come over? AYKM? Twice he assertyed that I invited him back.

I told him to leave. I wanted him to go. I wanted him out…I threatened to call the cops.
When I had him out the door, I said I was over it…meaning, over cooking, over waiting, over explaining, over being blasted and intimidated….he asked, “what was “IT” anyway.
So, he shows up at work, not once but twice, yesterday. I’m pissed. He knows I’m pissed. I tell him I’m pissed. I’m not very nice to him and I tell him why. This is why I don’t have relationships…this is why I don’t have a man in my life.
I am really pretty ugly.
This AM I feel guilty and call him before work, say, “I’m sorry I was such a biatch.” He says,”I’m sorry about everthing.”
He comes into work, today, being a total clown,,,honestly…wanting two to-go drinks, but wanting to drink them here, and getting impatient withme because I don’t know what he wants, and I finally say, “all I need to know is if you want them in a togo cup, and he snapps, I don’t care what you put it in, I’m just going to put it in here, anyway…..an empty bottle, for God’s sake. So, I give him his tea, on icw, and he reaches over the counter to pour his tea on ice into his bottle…..
Then we go out-side to smoke, There are no customers in the restaraunt.
Now this is interesting. We have cafe benches outside for smokers. As long as he and I have been conversing we have never strayed from this smoking area, in front of the big windows of the restarant. But, he says, can we be in the sun? I’m cold. There is no sun anywhere but behind the building where no one can see or hear us.
He starts telling me that my alcoholism is my problem, that it is the reason I am alone, no one wants anything to do withm e and I will die alone…..then he tells me the whole episode was my fault because I assumed he’d read the call log, and who was I to assume?
I told him this was way too much drama, being alone all my life would be a blessing and I was done. I walked away, obviously, really angry, and he yelled, “STOP.” I”M NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU YET,”

OMG, and that’s just the broad out-line.

kim, looks like he was up to the ol’ mindfucking regime aka throwing banana peels your way( saying he didn’t know your #, etc ) stay safe. congrats on getting smart! You should be proud of yourself, if anything.

kim:

Wow, this is clearly someone to RUN away from and FAST! First of all it proves that even after 20 YEARS (that’s a long time) of knowing someone, you still didn’t really know him at all. Another thing I am baffled about…if he is IN LOVE with Leslie, why is he going out with you?

It sounds like way too much drama that you do not need. Cut this guy off. But now you will still have to see him at the restaurant all the time.

So sorry this had to happen to you. SIGH. You sound like me and I can so relate to you…this type of scenario is also exactly why I don’t date! It’s waaaaayyyyy too much trouble. Way more trouble than it’s worth in my opinion.

There seems to be this negative glow ( i say negative because you can tell it’s “wrong— after they’ve wiped their shit on you, this “high and mighty” glow” that’s about as best as i can elaborate on it anyway, my impressions) about sociopaths when they think they’re getting away with something. Like they’re proud of it. ( which they undoubtedly are )” Evil is pleasurable to sociopaths. Putting their dirt on someone else gives them this “power” trip like nothing else.

Kim:

From what I can see, there’s misscommunication between you two.

Either way, you’ve allready received the blame (1. bad sign), he’ll put this Leslie first, you come second-the OW (bad sign nb 2), he takes his frustration out on you, finds that ok and you accept it (nb3) he implies you invited him back twice when you know you did not- attemt on gaslightning?(nb4) he attributes you more problems than you actually have making you feel like a bad person, Victimizing you and does not accept you being single as a choice-ergo there must be something wrong with you- probably hoping you will jump in the argument and defend your self b/c you feel less of a person ergo he wins. If you do it only proves to him that you’ve entangled emotions in this relationship- his entryway to your mind (5) He obviously can’t behave himself and you’re getting affected by it and don’t behave your self. Can be seen as crazymaking (nb6) He don’t take responsibility for him self, you have to give your nb when he just could have checked his phone by him self. You don’t stick with your boundaries, you keep going back on them. Be consistant. You threaten to call the police, the next day you call him and say your sorry because of something he did -also an entryway because you do not create any respect for your self/ comes across as self doubting/taking the responsibility for his actions. He should have called you saying he’s sorry, not the other way around (nb7) You’ve already proven to be forgiving by not sticking with your boundaries and you’re excusing his actions for him. (nb8)

How big of a check list do you need? He might not be a spath, but you are starting this out on unstable grounds. To me this is not a good entry into a good lovers relationship if that was the intention.
Stand your grounds, be calm and give him no fuel. Then you’ll see who he really is.

Some people are great friends, but not when they are your lovers and behind the four walls of your house. Friends might get fooled, but lovers not.

Be careful and stay safe.

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