Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”
Holiday seasons are looming on the horizon. For those of us who are in recovery, this time of year can be very depressing, or very liberating. For those who are still embedded in the World of Spath, the holiday season can be more desperate than any other time of the year.
Before escaping sociopathic entanglements, the Holiday Season is a time of withhold/reward, predictable outcomes, and ruined expectations. “Perhaps, this year will be better. Perhaps, he/she will make the changes and save the relationship.” Well, if the spath isn’t engaging in withhold/reward, they’re engaging in situational love bombing. If we are pliable to what the spath wants, the children will have presents to open, family members will be invited to celebrate, friends will be allowed to visit, and all will be well with the world. We only have to bargain with the spath to achieve a peaceful, loving, and happy Season.
The predicted outcomes are a result that we have previously experienced routine disappointments, and we know (on an academic level) that there is no bargaining with the spath that will assure that our children, family, friends, and selves will experience any of these desired outcomes. Events will be canceled or unattended. Friends will be uncomfortable in our environments and stay only a short time, or not even drop by. Family members will either attend our gatherings with dread, or not at all. And, we will be left feeling empty, robbed, devalued, and dismissed.
End of the entanglement
Once we have exited the spath entanglement, the Holiday Season might be an opportunity to throw the biggest Pity Party of the year, or it could be an opportunity to construct new traditions and emotional freedoms that previously didn’t exist. Think about how many milestones, important events, and holidays went by without notice. This year could be the best year of our lifetimes – we have the opportunity to celebrate in our own ways, using our own creativity, and actually feel the freedom from the emotional bondage and torment that the socipathic dynamics generated. Then, again ”¦ we could indulge ourselves in self-pity and drive away every person that would enjoy our company. Why regret an illusion that’s finally exposed? What good does it do to ruminate over a system of false beliefs? Weren’t those beliefs proven false? What more could there be to celebrate than truth?
Sure, it’s sad that the spath(s) took so much away from us. But, we can’t rebuild that illusion no matter what we use to try. What they said, what they did, and what they’re doing are important to us only as examples of what we never will allow, again.
My important events were dismissed
In my situation with the exspath, my birthdays, my graduation (with honors), my business grand opening, holidays, and important creative events were all dismissed. And, when I use the word “dismissed,” I mean to say that the exspath would give a cursory nod in my general direction, but preparations, celebrations, and acknowledgement of my accomplishments were never made. When I was honored with a scholarship, I received my award in a campus ceremony, alone. When I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, I walked onto the stage to receive my certificate, alone. After my graduation, there was no card. There was no celebratory dinner or family gathering. My birthdays would come and go with a Hallmark card I would pick out my own gift and purchase my own birthday cake. Holidays were barely acknowledged and my elaborate holiday meals were complimented, but not appreciated. The last several years of my marriage to the second exspath were spent in abject dismissal Adelade was rendered unimportant, inconsequential, and nonexistent by overt and subtle dismissals.
So, this year, I don’t have to experience the predictable disappointments. Regardless of my financial issues, I am free of any obligation to see to the needs of anyone else. I am free of the dismissal and invalidation. I am free to celebrate this freedom to be myself in any way that I choose to. I can prepare dishes that I want to prepare and not have to concern myself with whether the exspath will even appreciate the monumental effort that goes into producing a holiday meal. This year is all about me. This year has the potential to be all about you, as well. Make it happen for yourself. Take this time to grasp onto yourself for validation and appreciation. Recognize that this will be all about you and no longer all about what he/she did or is doing.
May this year be the most emotionally empowering one yet. May this year be the year when we discover our incredible strengths and recognize our vulnerabilities. May this be the year that we finally claim our Selves and set aside the fear of rejection, dismissal, and abandonment and place boulders of strength, courage, resolve, and wisdom as the foundation blocks of our newfound boundaries. This year is The Year Of Recovery for me. May it also be The Year Of Recovery for you.
20years,
I believe that need you describe is universal. We all have it, especially women. Did you ever hear the song, “Have You Ever Loved a Woman?” by Bryan Adams? This song is all about that need we have to be KNOWN and LOVED for who we are. Listen to it on Itunes or look up the lyrics. It’s so well written and so true. This guy understands women, or he’s a master manipulator (only the victim of a spath would contemplate such though!). I think he really understands. See, I still have faith in God and hope for humanity!
Oh, and believe it or not, that need that women have to be truly known and understood is mentioned in the Bible!!! Yes, it truly is. Men are admonished in the bible to really know their wives, to understand them, to care about their deepest needs and desires. If you want to read about this there’s a fabulous book that you can read. It’s called, “The Complete Husband” by Lou Priolo. I read it and it really helped me to understand that my needs and desires as a woman and as a wife were not only normal (my spath always told me I was irrational and dysfunctional), but they were part of me because that’s the way God created women. The song I mentioned seems to have been written by someone who understands this Biblical truth. It’s really amazing!!!
lovinglem,
I like what you said, and your suggestions — I will check them out! It is validating and comforting to hear someone say that what I feel and feel that I need is normal and because that is the way that God made me. That is a very healing thing to hear. Thank you.
For now…. off to bed. Got to get this cold virus out of me!
🙂
Every year for yearssssss my egg donor would raise a ruckus at any holiday that I did NOT want to spend it with her brother Uncle Monster, the psychopath that had held his wife and children at gun point and his mother, my grandmother, at age 75 at gun point while he drank and raged….not just once but multiple times. I did NOT want to share “holiday cheer” or a “hholiday meal” with him. Period!~
She would always cry that I was RUINING HER HOLIDAY….and that I was going to hell because I wouldn’t “forgive” and forget….well, I would take my kids/husband and who ever else wanted to share a meal with me to some place else to celebrate and egg donor would whine and cry.
Then my living hhistory group started having Thanksgiving 3-5 day camp out at a state park near us so we started going there for TG and then at Xmas I would go visit friends or just celebrate here at my house until Uncle Monster finally died.
Since then and being NC with egg donor I have actually just lost the “taste” for much “Celebration” for Christmas….it brings back more memories of egg donor’s ugly scenes than any joy. But son D and I go out to eat and exchange our token gifts (we don’t go buy much for each other as we really have all we need or want and if we find something the other would like during te year we get it and give it to them then…then for the actual holiday son D goes to spend time with his bio family and I just spend quiet time here at the farm.
Well….the idea thhat we are “supposed” to have some kind of Normal Rockwellian celebration with this close ideal family all in peace and harmony and hhappiness for many folks just is NOT REALITY. “Holidays” are what and when we make them.
Today after a fairly stressful week, my son D and I declared a HOLIDAY and we took the “day off” from the long “to do” list that we hhave and we took a drive up scenic highway 7 to Harrison AR and looked at te wonderful vistas along the way through the Ozark National forest and stopped at our favorite used book store, a couple of junk stores, a place that sells wonderful locally made jellies and jams, ate lunch at a great place, and just enjoyed the day. No “celebration” with candles and wine and great food could ave been any better than the HOLIDAY WE HAD TODAY. It was what we needed, when we needed it, and we came home with a bucket full of good memories, with books and things that we will enjoy…and time just spent talking without any pressure….and in fact, told each other things that we had been thinking about but had forgotten to tell each other, discussed plans for projects we want to do, made some decisions about things we needed to decide….and laughed and did what people who love each other should do….spend time together.
Ox,, That’s what I call a good day, a bucket full of memories and no stress….ya’ll needed that.
There are so many thing’s around my farmette that need to be done, but I just might leave it for the next owner…
dear dupey………………………….. BOO~!
Hens, there was a sign on the door at the used book store “come in costume get a free book” and I went in and said “I’m in costume as an old lady on a walker…does that count?” so I got a free book off the $1 rack!@....... LOL
Yea, it was a great day and after this week I needed it. Getting scammed for $2600 wasn’t fun. BUT….I did find out that the guy who was one of the con men works for/with some cops….and I doubt that he would want his reputation soiled with his cop buddies, so I may have his cajones in a vice and may be able to get my money refunded. Will see. If not, I have a good court case, so will do whatever I have to do. But you know, I just HATE DEALING WITH CROOKS….and I got love bombed by him and one of his partners (not a cop) and I fell for it hook line and sinker. You’d think by now I would have wised up a BIT!
Oxy,
excellent investigative work! One caveat: the cops may be dirty too. birds of a feather…flock together. Remember, spaths recognize each other. Still, if the spath values his mask (and they all do) you may have an in because the dirty cops value THEIR masks too. When it comes to spaths, the mask is EVERYTHING.
yeah, no matter what you might gain, the slime will be hard to wash off. Just dealing with them makes us feel dirty. argh.
icky.
Sky, I just want my money back! That would help! Actually, I doubt that the cops were involved at all….probably didn’t even know about it….but will just see what happens…I don’t think that they want their names involved with him if I have to go to court to get my money back….I have the court case NAILED….and so I think they would throw him under the bus to protect their own reputations. That is one thing about spaths and con men is that they have no loyalty to each other either.
Oxy,
I didn’t mean that the cops were involved in your situation, but simply that they may have some loyalty to him or just a desire to do evil.
But you are right, they all value their masks, so any threat there is a way to get your money back, hopefully. If the money doesn’t exist anymore, you might still be able to mine them for something in trade? Just cross your t’s and dot your i’s.
it’s so disheartening to know that spaths are everywhere.