Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”
Holiday seasons are looming on the horizon. For those of us who are in recovery, this time of year can be very depressing, or very liberating. For those who are still embedded in the World of Spath, the holiday season can be more desperate than any other time of the year.
Before escaping sociopathic entanglements, the Holiday Season is a time of withhold/reward, predictable outcomes, and ruined expectations. “Perhaps, this year will be better. Perhaps, he/she will make the changes and save the relationship.” Well, if the spath isn’t engaging in withhold/reward, they’re engaging in situational love bombing. If we are pliable to what the spath wants, the children will have presents to open, family members will be invited to celebrate, friends will be allowed to visit, and all will be well with the world. We only have to bargain with the spath to achieve a peaceful, loving, and happy Season.
The predicted outcomes are a result that we have previously experienced routine disappointments, and we know (on an academic level) that there is no bargaining with the spath that will assure that our children, family, friends, and selves will experience any of these desired outcomes. Events will be canceled or unattended. Friends will be uncomfortable in our environments and stay only a short time, or not even drop by. Family members will either attend our gatherings with dread, or not at all. And, we will be left feeling empty, robbed, devalued, and dismissed.
End of the entanglement
Once we have exited the spath entanglement, the Holiday Season might be an opportunity to throw the biggest Pity Party of the year, or it could be an opportunity to construct new traditions and emotional freedoms that previously didn’t exist. Think about how many milestones, important events, and holidays went by without notice. This year could be the best year of our lifetimes – we have the opportunity to celebrate in our own ways, using our own creativity, and actually feel the freedom from the emotional bondage and torment that the socipathic dynamics generated. Then, again ”¦ we could indulge ourselves in self-pity and drive away every person that would enjoy our company. Why regret an illusion that’s finally exposed? What good does it do to ruminate over a system of false beliefs? Weren’t those beliefs proven false? What more could there be to celebrate than truth?
Sure, it’s sad that the spath(s) took so much away from us. But, we can’t rebuild that illusion no matter what we use to try. What they said, what they did, and what they’re doing are important to us only as examples of what we never will allow, again.
My important events were dismissed
In my situation with the exspath, my birthdays, my graduation (with honors), my business grand opening, holidays, and important creative events were all dismissed. And, when I use the word “dismissed,” I mean to say that the exspath would give a cursory nod in my general direction, but preparations, celebrations, and acknowledgement of my accomplishments were never made. When I was honored with a scholarship, I received my award in a campus ceremony, alone. When I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, I walked onto the stage to receive my certificate, alone. After my graduation, there was no card. There was no celebratory dinner or family gathering. My birthdays would come and go with a Hallmark card I would pick out my own gift and purchase my own birthday cake. Holidays were barely acknowledged and my elaborate holiday meals were complimented, but not appreciated. The last several years of my marriage to the second exspath were spent in abject dismissal Adelade was rendered unimportant, inconsequential, and nonexistent by overt and subtle dismissals.
So, this year, I don’t have to experience the predictable disappointments. Regardless of my financial issues, I am free of any obligation to see to the needs of anyone else. I am free of the dismissal and invalidation. I am free to celebrate this freedom to be myself in any way that I choose to. I can prepare dishes that I want to prepare and not have to concern myself with whether the exspath will even appreciate the monumental effort that goes into producing a holiday meal. This year is all about me. This year has the potential to be all about you, as well. Make it happen for yourself. Take this time to grasp onto yourself for validation and appreciation. Recognize that this will be all about you and no longer all about what he/she did or is doing.
May this year be the most emotionally empowering one yet. May this year be the year when we discover our incredible strengths and recognize our vulnerabilities. May this be the year that we finally claim our Selves and set aside the fear of rejection, dismissal, and abandonment and place boulders of strength, courage, resolve, and wisdom as the foundation blocks of our newfound boundaries. This year is The Year Of Recovery for me. May it also be The Year Of Recovery for you.
Oxy:
Wow, I am so surprised someone like you who knows so much about people like this got scammed. It makes me afraid that it will happen to me again. I don’t know though…I don’t trust anyone now and just say no when someone is trying to sell me something I don’t want. I have learned so much. Not saying that you haven’t. I just don’t see myself giving in to ANYONE!! I am so jaded now. I REALLY hope you get your money back. That is awful 🙁
hens: how did the frog get to the other side of the road?
Louise, I have been kicking myself in the butt for several days now that I got scammed. I HAD A FEELING I WAS BEING LOVE BOMBED but I told my gut to shut up because I WANTED the “love bomb” person to be genuine. BTW this was a business deal not a romantic deal but I thought that person B might become a CLOSE friend. Yea, RIGHT! LOVE BOMB…..all the way and I fell for it, even seeing it. DANG IT! I knew better….
BUT, I will probably get my money back from the person A that I paid most of it to, if not all the money I paid to all three of the people involved. I have proof it was a scam, and I also have proof that the item they sold me was actually STOLEN, so I can get a judgment against person A for the entire amounts I paid A, B and C….there is a contract and the contract was CLEARLY violated, and the product was FAULTY.
But I let person B tell me “what a great deal this is” and ya da ya da….and even after I found out that person A had actually agreed to sell the product on commission for the original owner, he had sold it to me and NOT paid the original owner.
So it will all turn out….I may not get my money back and I may. I found out that person A works with the police and sells them products so he might not want them to know he scammed a “pore little ole widder lady” and sold her something that was stolen.
Anyway…if I don’t get my money back, I got a “semester” at the University of Hard Knocks.
My son D and I talked today about how we TRUSTED or didn’t trust people and who was inside our INNER CIRCLE OF 100% TRUST….and who was in the different “rings” of levels of trust. We also talked about how some people who had been in our INNERMOST CIRCLE OF 100% TRUST had screwed us over, betrayed us and how badly it hurt.
These people were not “close friends” that I had known for a long time and they scammed me, but they were con men (women) who knew a “mark” when they saw one coming and sold me a “bill of goods” they knew was no good.
Just like a used car salesman can more easily cheat some little old lady when he goes to sell her a car because she isn’t a mechanic, but that same used car salesman would have had a difficult time selling my husband a “lemon” because my husband knew what problems to look for in a used car and were and how to look for them.
In this case, I knew what to look for, but I gave the guy the money up front and I should not have done so….but it was a deal that was “too good to be true” and it was NOT true….LOL
So, buyer beware. Don’t give out your trust until you see how people are over a period of time in different situations and if you see a RED FLAG for goodness sakes HONOR IT and at least back up. People do not sell a bar of REAL GOLD for $1.00 so if someone is trying to sell you a gold bar for $1.00 do more than just scratch the surface of the gold bar, check it out before you give them your money. or your love. or your trust.
Anyone, no matter how smart you think you are or how wise you think you are or how smart or wise others think you are can be conned —even Bob Hare says they con him as well. LOL So I guess I am in good company.
Just be CAUTIOUS, especially with those who you don’t know.
Oxy:
I understand. I guess no matter how much we think we are immune to these robbers, we can still be scammed. Sometimes it just happens even though we know better. I am just glad to hear that you will probably get your money back…that is important. And also to expose these crooks.
Because these people were not close friends of yours and in your circle of trust, at least you do not have that “personal” hurt feeling. Yeah, you got scammed and you are mad and rightfully so, but it was not someone you cared about and trusted who duped you. That makes it a double whammy when that happens. Keep us posted on the outcome.
Jeepers, OxD, I’m so sorry you were scammed. And, don’t be so hard on yourself. It was a lesson well-learned and, in the long run, about as cheap as any semester at a Community College! LOL!! HUGS TO YOU!
Louise, nobody is immune. Not ever. It’s a lifelong lesson that “bad people” are everywhere and we’re all susceptible under specific circumstances. So, OxD’s recent bad experience is a reminder to me that I’ll have to be “on guard” for the rest of my life. Even still, that’s no guarantee that I won’t be taken in, again.
Brightest blessings
Truthy and Louise,
Being “scammed” and realizing it and realizing what you did to ALLOW yourself to be scammed is a GOOD lesson and one that we have to RELEARN again and again until we get it. Even then we are NEVER IMMUNE TO GETTING SCAMMED AGAIN.
Scams are like bad colds…they mutate and there are so many versions of them that we may get another one any time.
Some scams are like the Measles, you get it once and you are IMMUNE FOR LIFE….
But just because you get scammed and learn from it does not mean that you won’t get burned again. The “trick” is that we have to learn to SPOT scams eariler before we get burned too badly and to FREAKING LISTEN TO OUR GUTS. I realized at a fairly early point I was being love bombed by person B but I had already paid for the product up front…person B was just grooming me for a CONTINUING supply for herself. Fortunately, that did not happen. At least I cut it off before it got To be SERIOUS money (like tens of thousands of dollars)
I just “bit too quickly” on a “deal too good to be true” and that I admit is my own fault. In the meantime, I am having to search for a replacement for the “used car” I got stung on. (It really wasn’t a car, but you get the idea)
Years ago my husband and I became involved in a business deal with a man that had love bombed us and I had been WARNED by someone I respected, but I discounted the warning….and we got scammed for 10s of thousands of dollars. I went back to the person who warned me and told them that I was sorry I had not listened.
After that I took a job working for a woman who had love bombed me and offered me the “job of a life time” and was warned about her as well…and danged if I didn’t get bitten by her as well. Fortunately, I was in a position that when I saw what was going on (about 6 months) I was in a position that I resigned THAT DAY…and as it turned out, I got a better job and one in which I could spend more time with my family and it was actually a godsend because I could be with my beloved step father during his last 18 months with cancer and be there for him. I also didn’t know that it was the last year of my husband’s life and I got to spend a LOT more time with him for which I am eternally grateful that the “dream job” didn’t turn out to be true because if it had I would not have been able to be with Daddy or with my husband those last months.
So I do tend to think that things happen “for a reason” and if we are willing to FIND THE LESSON in things that “seem bad” that we can in the end, turn it around for good.
Life and learning are journeys….and we need to enjoy the journeys and learn the lessons, because if we don’t, we will get to repeat them until we do learn them. God bless.
Oxy,
I am truly sorry you got scammed. Good at least that you didn’t get involved any further than that amount already (which for me is a big sum).
But you’re right. It’s not stamped on someone’s forehead they plan to scam you or that they’re spaths. Whether we are dating or doing business or making friends there always will be a chance of encountering a spath and those with good masks won’t be easily recognized from the get go.
Robert Hare himself says that you need to get to know a person a bit before you can have enough info on that person falling in a category you better should avoid. And he says he can still be conned and scammed by psychopaths: that the psychopath is the one he ends up giving his money to when asked.
We can’t prevent meeting spaths, we can’t prevent being targeted (not without changing our inner soul drastically, and personally I cannot give up my integrity and who I am because of there being spaths in the world), and we can’t always prevent giving them some supply… all we can do is recognize and admit the red flags as soon as we notice them and pull away again.
That couple of last weekend, it took me 3 meetings with them, particularly the husband of the couple, to realize something’s amiss there. And I didn’t even got the full picture of there being red flags on the third meeting. Took me two days to realize I don’t really trust their intentions, because of the red flags of last Friday. But now they have my phone number and they gave me a lift home so they know where I live too. And it already bothers me I’ll have to see who’s calling and not pick up the phone if their name pops up on the calling screen. But I’m happy I didn’t go out with them on Saturday. I still hadn’t fully acknowledged the level of red flags of the night before, and just thinking of making new friends. But at some level I knew it would just be too fast, too rapid, so I used the excuse of a hangover for myself and them to back out of the going out together. I’m not sorry of that at all anymore.
I just cannot help it to enter conversation and an acquaintance without assuming innocence until the red flags come up. And I do not want to give up that way of being either.
Oxy:
I understand that we do learn from these encounters and that things happen for a reason and all that is fine and good, but I must ask the question that is gnawing at me…why are we still ignoring the “gut” feelings?? You said so yourself that you ignored your gut feelings about this transaction and even with all you know (and we know you know a lot!!), you still fell for it. So my question is WHY? We really need to research this and ask ourselves why if we have the knowledge…why are we still not listening to our instincts when we know something doesn’t feel right?? Is it just human nature? Is it because we WANT things to be true?? Do we still believe as human beings that all must be good in the world and certainly someone wouldn’t be trying to dupe us??
Anyway, again, so sorry this happened to you and thankfully it wasn’t worse and you learned early on instead of being pulled even more into it. But I would love to hear your answers to my questions and anyone else please!!
Darwin’smom, no, you are right, we must not live in acute anxiety all the time or hyper vigilance either…jumping at the sound of every creek in the house as the temperature changes, but we must at the same time be VIGILANT that we LISTEN TO OUR GUTS…and frankly I was so enchanted by this woman I didn’t listen to my gut.
I am going to do my best to get my money back and do what is RIGHT in the situation and not be taken in again. AT least not by these same people. LOL
But in the future I will listen to my GUT and RESPECT IT….
Louise and Oxy,
I had a gut feeling about that couple on Friday, but even on the two previous times I met them… the thing is ‘gut feelings’ can sometimes be rather silent. Our gut isn’t screaming, but just no more than a slight uncomfortableness we are barely aware of.
We need quiet and time and rest to really hear our gut feeling. When we interact with people, we get a lot of input and have a lot of internal noise and thoughts sometimes all at once. Spaths tend to create a lot of noise to interfere with that: lovebombing, flattery, time pressure, drama, etc… That is why it’s so hard to listen to our gut, especially at the moment of the propositions being done.
The best thing is always to give yourself at least several days of time in between someone proposing something to you and to give your brain the time to filter out the noise and instead zoom in into the moments where you felt uncomfortable.