Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”
Holiday seasons are looming on the horizon. For those of us who are in recovery, this time of year can be very depressing, or very liberating. For those who are still embedded in the World of Spath, the holiday season can be more desperate than any other time of the year.
Before escaping sociopathic entanglements, the Holiday Season is a time of withhold/reward, predictable outcomes, and ruined expectations. “Perhaps, this year will be better. Perhaps, he/she will make the changes and save the relationship.” Well, if the spath isn’t engaging in withhold/reward, they’re engaging in situational love bombing. If we are pliable to what the spath wants, the children will have presents to open, family members will be invited to celebrate, friends will be allowed to visit, and all will be well with the world. We only have to bargain with the spath to achieve a peaceful, loving, and happy Season.
The predicted outcomes are a result that we have previously experienced routine disappointments, and we know (on an academic level) that there is no bargaining with the spath that will assure that our children, family, friends, and selves will experience any of these desired outcomes. Events will be canceled or unattended. Friends will be uncomfortable in our environments and stay only a short time, or not even drop by. Family members will either attend our gatherings with dread, or not at all. And, we will be left feeling empty, robbed, devalued, and dismissed.
End of the entanglement
Once we have exited the spath entanglement, the Holiday Season might be an opportunity to throw the biggest Pity Party of the year, or it could be an opportunity to construct new traditions and emotional freedoms that previously didn’t exist. Think about how many milestones, important events, and holidays went by without notice. This year could be the best year of our lifetimes – we have the opportunity to celebrate in our own ways, using our own creativity, and actually feel the freedom from the emotional bondage and torment that the socipathic dynamics generated. Then, again ”¦ we could indulge ourselves in self-pity and drive away every person that would enjoy our company. Why regret an illusion that’s finally exposed? What good does it do to ruminate over a system of false beliefs? Weren’t those beliefs proven false? What more could there be to celebrate than truth?
Sure, it’s sad that the spath(s) took so much away from us. But, we can’t rebuild that illusion no matter what we use to try. What they said, what they did, and what they’re doing are important to us only as examples of what we never will allow, again.
My important events were dismissed
In my situation with the exspath, my birthdays, my graduation (with honors), my business grand opening, holidays, and important creative events were all dismissed. And, when I use the word “dismissed,” I mean to say that the exspath would give a cursory nod in my general direction, but preparations, celebrations, and acknowledgement of my accomplishments were never made. When I was honored with a scholarship, I received my award in a campus ceremony, alone. When I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, I walked onto the stage to receive my certificate, alone. After my graduation, there was no card. There was no celebratory dinner or family gathering. My birthdays would come and go with a Hallmark card I would pick out my own gift and purchase my own birthday cake. Holidays were barely acknowledged and my elaborate holiday meals were complimented, but not appreciated. The last several years of my marriage to the second exspath were spent in abject dismissal Adelade was rendered unimportant, inconsequential, and nonexistent by overt and subtle dismissals.
So, this year, I don’t have to experience the predictable disappointments. Regardless of my financial issues, I am free of any obligation to see to the needs of anyone else. I am free of the dismissal and invalidation. I am free to celebrate this freedom to be myself in any way that I choose to. I can prepare dishes that I want to prepare and not have to concern myself with whether the exspath will even appreciate the monumental effort that goes into producing a holiday meal. This year is all about me. This year has the potential to be all about you, as well. Make it happen for yourself. Take this time to grasp onto yourself for validation and appreciation. Recognize that this will be all about you and no longer all about what he/she did or is doing.
May this year be the most emotionally empowering one yet. May this year be the year when we discover our incredible strengths and recognize our vulnerabilities. May this be the year that we finally claim our Selves and set aside the fear of rejection, dismissal, and abandonment and place boulders of strength, courage, resolve, and wisdom as the foundation blocks of our newfound boundaries. This year is The Year Of Recovery for me. May it also be The Year Of Recovery for you.
darwinsmom:
Good point! So true!! It really does explain why even when we are having those gut feelings, we don’t always heed them…too much other noise and input going on. Thanks!!
Louise,
First off, I wanted what was being sold to me as a “bargain”–it was something I needed, and something I wanted, and the price was about half of what I would have expected to have paid, and lady B was telling me what a great deal it was….and danged if it didn’t APPEAR to be a great deal….and so I put the money up front with a signed contract that if it wasn’t what it appeared to be I would get my money back….well, of course the product turned out to be FAULTY. And I SUSPECT that lady B was in on a “bait and switch” con job. I can’t prove she was in on it, but I suspect, and I know she was giving me a big time love bomb about what a great person I was and how God had brought us together for a purpose…make me puke…it was over the top and I still wanted to believe she was sincere….and I wanted the product at that price.
It boils down to the fact that if something is too cheap there may be a CRITICAL flaw in it. In this case there was. It is, using the “used car” as an analogy again, it is like I bought this GREAT looking car, but it has no engine in it. It looks great but it will not run. It won’t take me where I need to go. Not realizing that there was no engine in the car, I hired lady B to reupholster the seats and her son to paint the outside of the car….now that I find out that the car has no engine, well, if I had known that I wouldn’t have hired it reupholstered or painted now would I? So A sold me the car, with a guarantee it ran well, with B telling me she and her son could fix it up the interior and the paint job and I would have a great car….then I find out there is no engine.
Well, I was a fool for buying the car without giving it a test run and for not “opening the hood” and looking inside FIRST before I gave Mr. A the money or paid Ms. B and her son to fix up the rest of the “car.”
I think I fell for the “love bomb” because I wanted and needed a “car” and I thought that THAT “car” would be a great deal at that price, even with the extra cost of the fixing up…and I bought and paid for the “car” and the “fix” up witout checking on if it ran or not….now the “car” has to go to the “wrecking yard” as scrap and I still need to buy a “car”—-
I feel foolish, and I feel like kicking myself soundly with my huge plastic cast that’s on my foot, and banging myself over the head soundly with my cyber skillet. BOINK!!!!
My son says “get off it, quit kicking yourself” and I know I should and I do it anyway, because “I should know better”—-there’s that word again “I should” well I maybe should have but I DIDN’T and that makes me lose trust in MYSELF.
I have lost that feeling I had of that I can keep myself safe. And yes, it may not be hundreds of thousands of dollars, but it is a significant amount to me, money I don’t have to “spare.”
No one, even Bob Hare is “immune” from being “had” by con men (women) and I guess all of us like it when people brag on us, say good things to us, think nice things about us, and I like to be liked, I like it when people tell me nice things about myself. When people NOTICE nice things about me. I guess that’s why I fall for the love bomb. LOL
But now I am treating people who are in this same business as I search for a new source of a “used car” like…welll….like “used car salesmen.” LOL I don’t have much trust in any of them.
No One is immune to being set up by someone who has a hidden agenda to defraud. SOMETIMES the flimflam man does NOT get away with it, but let’s face facts, MOST times they do b/c it WORKS for them.
Some lowlifes know to borrow someone else’s cloak of respectability, so they hang with the cops. It’s a great place to learn how to avoid getting caught AND the cops are biased TOWARDS the lowlife b/c they think him a helpful friend so there must be a mistake. They are DUPES just like any other. OR…. they are MINIONS, in on it.
What I think Oxy’s experience shows is that she is not infallible BUT she is way ahead with her thinking. When I was victimized by a sociopath, I got all drama and narcissistic; I wondered what I did wrong that made that person DO such a thing to me. I wondered what I should have done so the socipath would have treated me nicely. I agonized over MY failing to be a good enough person or else the abuse would never have been done to me. Sounds so silly as I type this, but I was a basketcase trying to figure it out. I DO give myself a break b/c I LEFT him and it was a couple of years later when I found this LOVEFRAUD site and realized he was a sociopath. THEN all the pieces made sense.
I am sorry you were taken advantage of Oxy, but I applaud you for not being the helpless female trying to figure out how you could have upset someone enough that they would harm you. No fem fatale, not you. TOWANDA is what comes to my mind. with a followup echo of BRAVO (for doing what you can about it.)
Oxy:
I guess it’s just like all women who fall for the “love bomb” because they want and need a “man.” That’s probably what it all comes down to in romantic relationships. And falling into bed too fast.
Hmmmm, I guess if no one is immune to all this spathy stuff, then why are we here? If we are never REALLY going to be free, if we are never really going to not be a target and if we “may” fall again, isn’t all this talk we do futile?? Why try to learn so much if we are just going to fall for it again?
Louise,
first red flag for me: ANY EMOTION AT ALL IN MY GUT. If I FEEL anything, anything at all, toward a person I just met, that’s a red flag. Spaths prey exclusively on our emotions, in order to con us.
Normal people with normal boundaries, do not elicit emotions from us at first glance. or even second glance, but spaths do.
Whether that emotion is fear, love, envy, disgust, doesn’t matter.
The reason normal people don’t elicit emotions from us is because they are careful not to do so. It’s good manners not to go around affecting other people emotionally. Sure, there are exceptions, like this blog for instance. But even here, we generally tell our story and then restrain ourselves from too much further histrionics.
Still, we can’t judge someone after one little red flag, but it should put us on notice to look for more. The love bomb (charm) is the hardest to overlook because we want to believe that there are people in the world who really do appreciate us for ourselves, who can see the real “me” and like me.
Then the pity ploy, that was one that I had a hard time overlooking. Even a KNOWN spath elicits compassion from me. I really feel bad for someone who is that messed up.
Rage, is the easiest to see. But even then I’ve seen people excuse it. Bizarre.
Louise, you asked why we still “ignore” our gut feelings, even after we’ve been in recovery. I can only speak for myself, but this is how I view it: mankind (as a species) does not utilize instincts, anymore. We have, essentially, given over trust in our instincts to trust in everything else. From advertising to internet dating profiles, we accept what we see, hear, and BELIEVE without question. And, we were RAISED to trust human beings, feel responsible for their well-being, and allow everyone the “benefit of the doubt.”
I never LEARNED that it’s absolutely acceptable to cut people out of contact because they’re behaving badly. I never learned that MY well-being is what comes first and that I am only responsible for myself, and not everyone else.
I know someone who, at this very moment, is grappling with the ugly truths about a significant other, and even though she has seen and shared in my personal devastations as the result of spath manipulations, she’s in absolute and complete denial of her own situation. And, it boils down to her own fears of losing a home that she really has no business attempting to cling onto. She is maintaining a very damaging and manipulative relationship with someone who has taken her for an extraordinary ride on the Toxic Train out of fear of losing property.
There’s so many “Red Flags” that come into play whenver we’re interacting with other people that I agree 100% with Skylar that we’re overwhelmed with too much information and that we need to stop, look, listen, and OBSERVE before we become entangled with ANYONE, whether they’re romantic involvements or platonic relationships.
No, not everyone has “an agenda.” But, I’m seeing that more, and more, the people that I come into contact with are often toxic without being socipathic. And, I cannot abide any more toxicity in my life – criminy crissmass, I have enough of my OWN toxicity to purge without absorbing someone else’s!
Pity ploys are the most glaring, of all, for me. Everyone has had a hard-luck story in their lifetime. But, the people who seem to wander beneath a black cloud of drama/trauma are the ones that I avoid like Ebola Virus. Something is always happening: an injury; a workplace drama; financial issues; etc. It’s never frigging ending, and these people are soul-suckers. They draw me in via my empathy and compassion, and drain my precious energies until I’m exhausted, on every level. Yes. Pity. Nope. I don’t go there, anymore.
Brightest blessings
skylar:
Very interesting. I have said the exact same thing regarding the emotions that the spath evoked in me and how that wasn’t normal. Normal people do not evoke emotions like that in people. I told OW exactly that. After all, this guy had three women in three years FALL IN LOVE with him and he was married! Who does that? Only an spath who is using his predatory skills, charm and pity ploy can do that and I just didn’t see it. I thought it was just “him.” Hahaha, it should have been a red flag when an executive was pursuing me and giving me a pity ploy about events in his life!!! HUH??? BUT…again, because he is English and that’s a different culture, I just thought it was part of his being. Oh, it’s a part of his being alright!!!
Anyway, you are perfectly correct on all levels. I agree, I also feel bad for someone that messed up. Too bad.
I never saw the rage, but I am sure it’s there. He keeps that one well under wraps, but I am sure it comes out behind closed doors. Thank you soooooo much for your insights.
Truthspeak:
I agree. These have to be the reasons we ignore our gut. That’s too bad about your friend who is holding onto to a toxic relationship so she doesn’t lose her home, but some people are deathly afraid of that and will do anything to hold on to their home.
Yep, a lot of toxicity out there for sure. It can all just stay way from me. I have had enough for a lifetime!
Louise, another very important factor in the dismissal of gut feelings is cognitive dissonance. WE would never target someone, use them up, and then toss them out like a snotrag, so we assume that other human beings will be of like mind. We are compelled to fit the bad behaviors of other people into OUR flawed systems of beliefs that “everyone deserves a second chance,” and that they “can’t possibly be as bad as all that,” when it’s clear that they really ARE as bad as all that.
Brightest blessings
OxD, I want to personally express my sincere appreciation for your complete open honesty about your most recent experiences. It takes a whole HELL of a lot of guts and strength to speak about being scammed, even with all of the years of recovery and wisdom under one’s belt.
Many of us look to you as the Mama Bear With The Iron Skillet, and that you are comfortable enough in your own skin to discuss these experiences without any fear of having someone say, “Well, OxD, you should have KNOWN better,” is absolutely empowering to me.
I wish that you hadn’t had those experiences, but I’m so grateful that you’ve posted about them with such truth and honesty – it keeps the possibility of becoming a target regardless of recovery as something very important to be aware of.
Brightest blessings