Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”
Holiday seasons are looming on the horizon. For those of us who are in recovery, this time of year can be very depressing, or very liberating. For those who are still embedded in the World of Spath, the holiday season can be more desperate than any other time of the year.
Before escaping sociopathic entanglements, the Holiday Season is a time of withhold/reward, predictable outcomes, and ruined expectations. “Perhaps, this year will be better. Perhaps, he/she will make the changes and save the relationship.” Well, if the spath isn’t engaging in withhold/reward, they’re engaging in situational love bombing. If we are pliable to what the spath wants, the children will have presents to open, family members will be invited to celebrate, friends will be allowed to visit, and all will be well with the world. We only have to bargain with the spath to achieve a peaceful, loving, and happy Season.
The predicted outcomes are a result that we have previously experienced routine disappointments, and we know (on an academic level) that there is no bargaining with the spath that will assure that our children, family, friends, and selves will experience any of these desired outcomes. Events will be canceled or unattended. Friends will be uncomfortable in our environments and stay only a short time, or not even drop by. Family members will either attend our gatherings with dread, or not at all. And, we will be left feeling empty, robbed, devalued, and dismissed.
End of the entanglement
Once we have exited the spath entanglement, the Holiday Season might be an opportunity to throw the biggest Pity Party of the year, or it could be an opportunity to construct new traditions and emotional freedoms that previously didn’t exist. Think about how many milestones, important events, and holidays went by without notice. This year could be the best year of our lifetimes – we have the opportunity to celebrate in our own ways, using our own creativity, and actually feel the freedom from the emotional bondage and torment that the socipathic dynamics generated. Then, again ”¦ we could indulge ourselves in self-pity and drive away every person that would enjoy our company. Why regret an illusion that’s finally exposed? What good does it do to ruminate over a system of false beliefs? Weren’t those beliefs proven false? What more could there be to celebrate than truth?
Sure, it’s sad that the spath(s) took so much away from us. But, we can’t rebuild that illusion no matter what we use to try. What they said, what they did, and what they’re doing are important to us only as examples of what we never will allow, again.
My important events were dismissed
In my situation with the exspath, my birthdays, my graduation (with honors), my business grand opening, holidays, and important creative events were all dismissed. And, when I use the word “dismissed,” I mean to say that the exspath would give a cursory nod in my general direction, but preparations, celebrations, and acknowledgement of my accomplishments were never made. When I was honored with a scholarship, I received my award in a campus ceremony, alone. When I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, I walked onto the stage to receive my certificate, alone. After my graduation, there was no card. There was no celebratory dinner or family gathering. My birthdays would come and go with a Hallmark card I would pick out my own gift and purchase my own birthday cake. Holidays were barely acknowledged and my elaborate holiday meals were complimented, but not appreciated. The last several years of my marriage to the second exspath were spent in abject dismissal Adelade was rendered unimportant, inconsequential, and nonexistent by overt and subtle dismissals.
So, this year, I don’t have to experience the predictable disappointments. Regardless of my financial issues, I am free of any obligation to see to the needs of anyone else. I am free of the dismissal and invalidation. I am free to celebrate this freedom to be myself in any way that I choose to. I can prepare dishes that I want to prepare and not have to concern myself with whether the exspath will even appreciate the monumental effort that goes into producing a holiday meal. This year is all about me. This year has the potential to be all about you, as well. Make it happen for yourself. Take this time to grasp onto yourself for validation and appreciation. Recognize that this will be all about you and no longer all about what he/she did or is doing.
May this year be the most emotionally empowering one yet. May this year be the year when we discover our incredible strengths and recognize our vulnerabilities. May this be the year that we finally claim our Selves and set aside the fear of rejection, dismissal, and abandonment and place boulders of strength, courage, resolve, and wisdom as the foundation blocks of our newfound boundaries. This year is The Year Of Recovery for me. May it also be The Year Of Recovery for you.
Truthspeak:
Cog/diss without a doubt. Yep, we think because we wouldn’t do these horrible things to someone, they are not doing them to us, but they did. And they will. We just have to be ready for it and push it away. No more. Thank you.
Adelade:
Thank you for this article! Thought it was just my ex-spath who denigrated holidays. He said that it was “stupid” (everything was reduced to stupid) that people got together and were “nice” to each other only one or two times a year. I tried to explain that wasn’t the case and to make him see that the anticipation of kids opening gifts, or trying a new recipe, or any one of a hundred other reasons why holidays were so special to me, was the reason I enjoyed Christmas & Thanksgiving so much. Even though it was a lot of work! But I did it out of love for others. And fun!
Yeah, that was pointless!! Of course, he couldn’t get it. And for him, it just provided more fodder for his mind-games, his withhold/reward technique (thanks for finally giving that a name, Adelade!) and disappointed expectations. God, I am so glad he is out of my life. Thanks for the article.
Truthspeak: your post at 11:32 was absolutely spot on!
It’s inconceivable to us that someone CAN be as bad as
all that – especially someone we have trusted and was
so close with for so many years. It was like the Dr. Jekyl
Mr. Hyde effect. Like being pushed from a cliff and you
never see it coming because you are making allowances
for that ‘second chance’, thinking EVERYONE has a conscious
and that just isn’t the case. I know that is and has been VERY
hard for me to accept this ugliness I see all around me, any-
more. I almost feel like an ‘alien’ of some kind on a new
planet. I spent so many years doing the public service
thing, ignoring how times have really changed. My oh my,
how things have changed in my lifetime. UNBELIEVABLE.
There are heartless and cold and cruel PREDATORS among
us and I do liken them to the devil himself. The AUTHOR
of drama and confusion.
Liked your analogy: ‘snotrag’….hahahaha
When in reality, THEY are truly the snotrags.
Happy day, ya’ all – I am off to get yelled at by my doctor.
ahahahahahahahah
Dupey
Newlife43, it’s the feeling of being minimized and dismissed. Whatever is important to the targets: birth, death, graduation, promotion, civic award, etc, THESE things are reduced to being meaningless to them by their own actions, and translates to us, by proxy. OUR accomplishments and special occasions are of no consequence, so WE are of no consequence. Minimalizing and devaluing.
Dupey, yeah – to accept the cold, hard fact that some people do not possess a conscience, remorse, and/or empathy is incomprehensible.
Hope your doc doesn’t yell too loud! 😀
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak: That is a very harsh, cold FACT, isn’t it?
VERY difficult to comprehend, that there ARE people
who will snatch your very last breath from you if you
ALLOW them to. Even, sometimes, the ones who tell
us they ‘love us’.
It’s all about what we ALLOW.
What we don’t ALLOW.
Six months out, I can look back now, and I can see
it all for what it really was and I am still HORRIFIED
that there are people like this running around loose
amongst all the rest of us. CHILLING is the word.
Doc didn’t yell too loud.
Actually, I got a “WONDERFUL” when I asked how I
was doing….rearranged some meds and we’ll see how
that works now.
Hugs and Blessings Truthspeak…
Have a nice weekend.
A SPATH FREE WEEKEND.
😛
Dupey
OMG. Do I have a story to tell….but, I hesitate to do so, because I don’t know for sure who may be lurking. I think I may have entertained a spath unaware…even though I know the signs, the red-flags, and all the under-pinnings….and, yes, I fell for the pity-ploy, and the love-bombing….although, in a slightly disguised form, not really love or romance, but mutual understanding, respect, and friendship…..mutual admiration. Ahhhhh, yeah,
I reveiled my under-belly. Yep. Toatally. I was forth-coming, believing we were kindred spirits, and understood each-other.
I have not dated anyone in over six years.
This was a regular customer at work, who I have been aquanted with for about 20 years….thru AA, and had a lot of faith in.
I talked to him candidly, about being happy being alone and single, not wanting a relationship, but, maybe a freindship….I told him I studied sociopaths and did research online, and when that guy e-mailed Donna that he had dated a woman who was a victim of a sociopath, and wanted Donna’s advice on how to win her over, I was creeped out. I wondered if it was my casual customer, whom I had confided in.
We made plans about 2 months ago to grill steaks and I brought a salad and some home made french-bread. It went ok, but I felt then, that it wasn’t right. I wasn’t attracted to him romantically or physically, but I felt that he was. So, I just cooled the engines, and was friendly with him at work.
In the mean time I got a new phone. I didn’t give him my number. Neither did I call him.
Over time, we got closer. I let my guard down, again. We laughed a lot…seemed to see eye to eye. He had my back when my SIL was being a jerk, and also when fellow employee was stealing the sales money.
Because I was looking forward to a holiday season alone, avoiding ass-hole SIL, I asked him what he was doing for Thansgiving. We made tentative plans.
As the weather changed, he told me he had a pot belly stove out-side, in a breezeway, and was enjoying cooking on it…he had cooked both, meatloaf and chicken. He asked if I would come, and enjoy the cool weather outside around the pot=belly stove and have dinner. I agreed. I would bring something, though I didn’t know what.
It is so hard to type this out….the story is so long winded, but you have to know the details.
So, I had Mon, Tues, and Wes, off and we agreed on Tues.
On Monday, I was trying to decide what I would cook for myself for dinner, (one of the few things I enjoy doing on my days off, and knew I had to go to the grocery store anyway, (less than a block from the restaraunt where I work….the weather was absolutely gorgeious, and I thought, why not ask L if he wants to meet me for coffee. So I called, got his voice mail, asked, then said call me back, let me know. I waited at least an hour, then decided to just go to dollar general and get some frozen hamburger and make spagetti.
Later, that night I called him, after a glass of wine, and light-heartedly said, “what? You can’t call somebody back?” Come to find out he had tried to call me, using my old expired phone number, had gone to the restaraunt, and then driven by my hopuse and my bike was gone. I had gone to Dollar General by then.
Well, Ok. Are we still doing dinner, tomorrow? “Yep” He says. We decide 7 O’clock.
I spend the firat part of the day deciding what I will bring. Then I have to decide if I want to go all the way to the BIG grocery store to get my stuff. I finally decide to go back to the dollar store. I buy canned collard greens, and bacon. I make cornbread from scratch, blackeyed peas from the bag of dried beans, and home-made mac and cheese. He is making meat-loaf.
At 6:45 he is knocking on my door, and I am just getting everything out of the oven and in traveling containers. I see he is in a strange car. I am baffled, but, I invite him in, and he says, “I am not here to pick you up at 7’oclock…Leslie called” and then, he goes ballistic on me……Do you have a number I can reach you at…well, do you? can I have your phone number? why didn’t you give me your phone number. Do you have a cell- phone? Why don’t I have your number. This was so pff the wall and intimidating that I was dumb-founded….I couldn’t even remember my own phone number.
Well, turns out that he was trying to call my old safe’link number…but, I made it clear to hin that I THOUGHT HE WOULD CHECK HIS CALL LOG to get my number…so he says, “so this is MY fault.” “Nope”, I say, Not your fault, just a misunderstanding. Then I say, “when I called you last night, I thought you would access my number from you call log”….Get this: He says, “How in the hell am I supposed to know you called me last night?” Are you FKM? WTF? “L”, I say, do you remeber me calling you last night?” Yes. He does.
So, is anyone wondering who Leslie is? Leslie is his married fellow alcoholic that he enables, and is in love with. He was involved in an intervention that put her in treatment a couple of months ago. Apperantly she got out.
After him going away mad, and my head spinning, living in the WTF for an hour or so, I called him, got his voice mail and said, “Wow, not sure what just happened there, but, I think the whole phone number thing was a misunderstanding we can work through. I’m not sure where your anger was coming from, and I’m not really comfortable with it, but, I guess you were understandably frustrated. I feel bad about the whole thing.
At about 9 o’clock, after I’ve gone back to dollar general to buy some frozen ribs, so I can have some meat with my hard-cooked dinner, eaten, done the dishes, put the left overs away, he’s on my porch, knocking on my door.
Now, he’s still angry, being a jerk, implying that because I said I felt bad, it was my fault, and (OFGS) didn’t I ask him to come over? AYKM? Twice he assertyed that I invited him back.
I told him to leave. I wanted him to go. I wanted him out…I threatened to call the cops.
When I had him out the door, I said I was over it…meaning, over cooking, over waiting, over explaining, over being blasted and intimidated….he asked, “what was “IT” anyway.
So, he shows up at work, not once but twice, yesterday. I’m pissed. He knows I’m pissed. I tell him I’m pissed. I’m not very nice to him and I tell him why. This is why I don’t have relationships…this is why I don’t have a man in my life.
I am really pretty ugly.
This AM I feel guilty and call him before work, say, “I’m sorry I was such a biatch.” He says,”I’m sorry about everthing.”
He comes into work, today, being a total clown,,,honestly…wanting two to-go drinks, but wanting to drink them here, and getting impatient withme because I don’t know what he wants, and I finally say, “all I need to know is if you want them in a togo cup, and he snapps, I don’t care what you put it in, I’m just going to put it in here, anyway…..an empty bottle, for God’s sake. So, I give him his tea, on icw, and he reaches over the counter to pour his tea on ice into his bottle…..
Then we go out-side to smoke, There are no customers in the restaraunt.
Now this is interesting. We have cafe benches outside for smokers. As long as he and I have been conversing we have never strayed from this smoking area, in front of the big windows of the restarant. But, he says, can we be in the sun? I’m cold. There is no sun anywhere but behind the building where no one can see or hear us.
He starts telling me that my alcoholism is my problem, that it is the reason I am alone, no one wants anything to do withm e and I will die alone…..then he tells me the whole episode was my fault because I assumed he’d read the call log, and who was I to assume?
I told him this was way too much drama, being alone all my life would be a blessing and I was done. I walked away, obviously, really angry, and he yelled, “STOP.” I”M NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU YET,”
OMG, and that’s just the broad out-line.
kim, looks like he was up to the ol’ mindfucking regime aka throwing banana peels your way( saying he didn’t know your #, etc ) stay safe. congrats on getting smart! You should be proud of yourself, if anything.
kim:
Wow, this is clearly someone to RUN away from and FAST! First of all it proves that even after 20 YEARS (that’s a long time) of knowing someone, you still didn’t really know him at all. Another thing I am baffled about…if he is IN LOVE with Leslie, why is he going out with you?
It sounds like way too much drama that you do not need. Cut this guy off. But now you will still have to see him at the restaurant all the time.
So sorry this had to happen to you. SIGH. You sound like me and I can so relate to you…this type of scenario is also exactly why I don’t date! It’s waaaaayyyyy too much trouble. Way more trouble than it’s worth in my opinion.
There seems to be this negative glow ( i say negative because you can tell it’s “wrong— after they’ve wiped their shit on you, this “high and mighty” glow” that’s about as best as i can elaborate on it anyway, my impressions) about sociopaths when they think they’re getting away with something. Like they’re proud of it. ( which they undoubtedly are )” Evil is pleasurable to sociopaths. Putting their dirt on someone else gives them this “power” trip like nothing else.
Kim:
From what I can see, there’s misscommunication between you two.
Either way, you’ve allready received the blame (1. bad sign), he’ll put this Leslie first, you come second-the OW (bad sign nb 2), he takes his frustration out on you, finds that ok and you accept it (nb3) he implies you invited him back twice when you know you did not- attemt on gaslightning?(nb4) he attributes you more problems than you actually have making you feel like a bad person, Victimizing you and does not accept you being single as a choice-ergo there must be something wrong with you- probably hoping you will jump in the argument and defend your self b/c you feel less of a person ergo he wins. If you do it only proves to him that you’ve entangled emotions in this relationship- his entryway to your mind (5) He obviously can’t behave himself and you’re getting affected by it and don’t behave your self. Can be seen as crazymaking (nb6) He don’t take responsibility for him self, you have to give your nb when he just could have checked his phone by him self. You don’t stick with your boundaries, you keep going back on them. Be consistant. You threaten to call the police, the next day you call him and say your sorry because of something he did -also an entryway because you do not create any respect for your self/ comes across as self doubting/taking the responsibility for his actions. He should have called you saying he’s sorry, not the other way around (nb7) You’ve already proven to be forgiving by not sticking with your boundaries and you’re excusing his actions for him. (nb8)
How big of a check list do you need? He might not be a spath, but you are starting this out on unstable grounds. To me this is not a good entry into a good lovers relationship if that was the intention.
Stand your grounds, be calm and give him no fuel. Then you’ll see who he really is.
Some people are great friends, but not when they are your lovers and behind the four walls of your house. Friends might get fooled, but lovers not.
Be careful and stay safe.