By | January 6, 2012 18 Comments


Editor’s note: The following was sent to Lovefraud by the reader who posts as “Adelle.”

Looking back now, I realize how much damage SHAME can do. Of course the Spaths do the damage but along the way we pick up things that we think keep us safe.  These things that we cling to so tightly do exactly the opposite of what we think they do.

Shame was one of my worst enemies in my SP experience. I didn’t want anyone to know, what would they say? What would they think of me? They won’t believe me!

When I finally started telling people about my experience, I got the occasional, “Not you, you’re so intelligent” or the look of disbelief.  I am so happy to say that my REAL friends said things like, “We’ve been waiting for you.”

I once heard an acronym for shame, and it was Self Hatred Accepting My Enslavement.

Here is something I wrote to this liar named SHAME!

A Letter to Shame

You no longer reside in me ”¦

You came uninvited ”¦

You snuck up on me ”¦

I’m erasing all the faces you used ”¦

Your history no longer has power over me ”¦

I am no longer your slave ”¦

For the truth has set me free ”¦ it wasn’t my fault ”¦

I was a victim ”¦ I committed no crime ”¦

But that’s what you do, you lie, you confuse ”¦

You point fingers when the problem is you ”¦

How dare you demand I stay quiet ”¦

Silence was the biggest weapon you held over me ”¦

I have no relation with you ”¦ this day I break free ”¦

I realize you are just a lie, created to keep me down ”¦

Today you’re evicted ”¦ it’s been way too long ”¦

There’s a life that’s waiting for me ”¦

The prison you kept me in ”¦ I’ve now found the key ”¦

I have a voice ”¦ I will no longer remain silent ”¦ I’m breaking free

I demand you go somewhere else ”¦

You no longer reside in me ”¦

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Adelle: TOWANDA! That’s the way to take your life back!

Ox Drover

Dear Adelle, GREAT post! Thank you for that. I think that the liar SHAME has hurt us all, I know he sure did hurt me…I am “out of the closet” now….no longer hiding behind SHAME, because the SHAME doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to those who have EARNED it! Who DESERVE it.

Thank [email protected]!!!!


Hits the nail on the head! I have been thinking how destructive shame is. I think it is the cause of my anxiety and depression. Shameful thinking and thinking I should have control over everything that happens and control over what other people do – erroneous thinking! Banish the thoughts.

the sisterhood

Thank you so much, Adelle! What a wonderful post!

Shame is the biggest reason for so much suffering. It is so insidious and overwhelming. Thank you for reminding me that it isn’t my fault. I’m working on getting to where you are.

Good for you for laying down the shame that was forced upon you.


Beautiful Adelle……you’ve found your adamant!

Ox Drover

madhanna, great post, we do NOT have control over what others do, and we have to give up the idea that we can “move mountains” when in fact we can’t….and that will allow us I think to let go of the shame that we didn’t move the mountain! LOL Thanks for the post!


simply BRILLIANT!!!


Amen…we have all had this visitor and it is time to slam the door and say Goodbye!


Great for you! Shame is a monster. I am very glad I have learned to hear it operatively in others. Still I stumble one example being havng hired one who later preyed on me twice burglarizing my house. Clue: he had resentment. Beware of those who harbor little resentments.

Gershen Kaufman wrote a great book on Shame. I have never understood the subtitle which is I believe: ‘the power of caring’. Its a bit technical but in about the middle of the book is some meat! It brought me to my evolving conxciousness about the terminal disease of both my parents and the mothers of my daughters.

Ox Drover

Thanks, a man who cares, I’ll look for that book….might as well add another 1-2 inches to the 10 feet of shelf space I have of unread books on my “to read” shelf! BTW I’m reading as fast as I can, it is just that my interests are ahead of my reading! LOL


A man who cares,
thank you for that recommendation on the book. I did a google search on Gershen Kaufman and found this.

It has been suggested that narcissism in adults is related to defenses against shame[15] and that narcissistic personality disorder is connected to shame as well.[16][17] Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard suggested that NPD could be broken down into two subtypes, a grandiose, arrogant, thick-skinned “oblivious” subtype and an easily hurt, oversensitive, ashamed “hypervigilant” subtype. The oblivious subtype presents for admiration, envy, and appreciation a grandiose self that is the antithesis of a weak internalized self which hides in shame, while the hypervigilant subtype neutralizes devaluation by seeing others as unjust abusers.[16]

But I’m having trouble understanding the quote by Kaufman

Clinical psychologist Gershen Kaufman’s view of shame is derived from that of Affect Theory, namely that shame is one of a set of instinctual, short-duration physiological reactions to stimulation.[8][9] In this view, guilt is considered to be a learned behavior consisting essentially of self-directed blame or contempt, with shame occurring consequent to such behaviors making up a part of the overall experience of guilt. Here, self-blame and self-contempt mean the application, towards (a part of) one’s self, of exactly the same dynamic that blaming of, and contempt for, others represents when it is applied interpersonally. Kaufman saw that mechanisms such as blame or contempt may be used as a defending strategy against the experience of shame and that someone who has a pattern of applying them to himself may well attempt to defend against a shame experience by applying self-blame or self-contempt. This, however, can lead to an internalized, self-reinforcing sequence of shame events for which Kaufman coined the term “shame spiral”.[8]


I haven’t posted in a long time, but I’m still here, folks! Still reading the forum. Just so well for so long now that I haven’t felt I had anything to add.

But I had a really disturbing dream a couple of nites ago…troubled me so much that I had to get up & write it down. I didn’t understand what it was trying to tell me, but thot if it was referring to my current state of mind, I was in trouble! It involved a guy who was a “bit actor”, who was going to live at the airport so he could just hop right on a plane, but who, after making my life really good, ditched me….& with a lot of *shame* & disgust at who I was!

I’ve had the dream notes laying here on my desk, still fretting over the feelings it left me with & wondering what it meant. As soon as I read “To the liar named SHAME”, I knew what the dream was about: still just sorting out what happened & recognizing the disorientation I suffered after the experience with deception by the Liar Named Shame!

Thanks, LF, for still providing me with insight, even now…20 months after J left, & nearly a year since his suicide…..even now, after I’ve finally recovered my life & my senses & sense of self. And thanks to LF for helping me get to that place of healing!


I have just joined this blog after reading it today; though i’ve been in the battle for many years.

It is so true, shame…wicked shame. Don’t get me wrong, some shame is good. When you do wrong, you should feel ashamed. But all that extra shame weighs like a millstone around your neck.

When you said; “Shame was one of my worst enemies in my SP experience. I didn’t want anyone to know, what would they say? What would they think of me? They won’t believe me!” My jaw nearly bounced off the desktop. It is too true–FAR too true.

Sadly I am still in the same house with her, but should be out in a few weeks…she still makes me feel guilty about leaving and how she’ll be all alone and can’t do this thing or that…or will feel so lonely etc. And sadly, I do still care a great deal about her…so it is very hard.

I wish I had looked on the internet about this years ago. I figured a liar is a liar. Those who lie too much are bigger liars and those who lie little (eg: regular amounts) are somewhere around average. I suspected a lack of empathy, but felt I was being too judgmental and harsh. I had no idea there was this much going on…I’ve wasted so many years, so much time & so much of my soul.

Thanks for the blog.


Great post Adelle!

Your SHAME poetry really hit the nail on the head.
Only thing is – your poem is something I could say to “IT”.

I have no shame over my involvement with him. I never had experienced that shame – THEY are the ones who need to feel that SHAME for all the lying, deceiving and manipulations they pull.

No, we have no room for shame.



Duped No More:
Wow…yes! I just re-read it and you are so right!! It fits perfect for them (SP’s). So there it is…I killed two birds with one stone!! LOL


Adelle: when I read what you wrote it was like one of those “AH-HA!” moments…I felt a strong compulsion to break NC and send that to “IT”…’with love’, of course….

Yes, you certainly did: you got two birds with one stone.


Hi —

I haven’t posted in a very long time. I am again in need of advice from all of you. Christmas was nice and quiet — the calm before the storm.

I learned my ex-spath hired a PI and trying to find all kinds of info about me. The internet does not allow us to have any privacy anymore. I haven’t done anything wrong. I think I am being followed as well.

As always, I am afraid for my safety due to his past behavior. Any ideas would be helpful.

I was hoping after almost 4 years of separation, and three of divorce he would just leave me alone. No such luck.

Please help.


SuvivorAgain –

Are you able to get a restraining order against him? Do you have kids together or any other ties? If not and you have asked him to leave you alone, you could have him charged with stalking behaviour if you are able to prove it. Stalking covers both if the perpetrator engages directly in the behaviour AND if they use other people as their agents – paid or unpaid, it makes no difference in the law.

Soulaflame –

Welcome and sorry you have to be here – but as you need to, then rest assured that you have landed in the best possible spot.

I glad that you are almost out of the immediate environment – unfortunately, with these types, it rarely ends with that. Particularly if you have common ties (such as friendships or children together), these things tend to become pawns to manipulate and prizes in their twisted games.

Stay, read, learn.

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