Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Bridgette.”
This is the first time that I have publicly talked about my experience with a sociopath. It happened when I was 19 years old, and I’m 34 now. Ever since this so-called engagement happened, I’ve never had a “normal,” relationship with a man. I won’t say that this man ruined me, but he took something from me that I can never get back.
I go back to 1997 and I remember starting up a relationship with a guy who I met in a chatroom, just by chance. We started IM’ing each other, and as time went by, I started calling Maryland and he was calling California. I fell in love with him immediately. He was charming and always wanted to make sure I was okay. I did notice that he was incredibly jealous, but it didn’t bother me too much. He told me he was leaving Maryland to come to California to go to school. I was thrilled. Something inside of my gut told me that this was too good to be true. He gave me a flight number, and the name of the school he was going to attend, and my parents agreed to let him stay with us for two weeks before school started. I contacted the school to make sure all of his stuff was in order. They told me that they had never heard of him, and had no idea what I was talking about. I looked up the flight number and that didn’t exist either.
I called him out on these lies and he explained that he didn’t have the money for school, or the plane ticket, but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. Amazingly I felt terrible. My parents lent him money for a bus ticket, and told him that he could stay with us until he found a job in Los Angeles. They knew that I was in love with him, and my mother was so happy to see me so happy. He was the first man I had ever been with, and that was a big deal for me. He treated me like a princess. He told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever been with, and that he was going to marry me.
Dark side
The first two months he was charming, but then I started to see a very dark side. The first time it happened on the freeway in L.A. I couldn’t find a certain off ramp and he screamed at me and said I was, “stupid.” I remember silently crying to myself and actually believing that i might be an idiot. The second time my brother was watching the big T.V. in the living room and my boyfriend wanted to watch it, so he demanded I tell my brother to stop watching it. I couldn’t tell my brother to get out. He physically attacked me at that point. One day we got an angry call from his sister saying that his calls from Maryland to California had never been paid for, and he had left his mother with a $700 phone bill. She was on SSI and couldn’t pay it. All of these red flags kept coming up and I still didn’t pay any attention.
He had a stable job that he up and quit for no reason. He found a job that would allow him to stay up at night and work on his computer (or so I thought.) One day I had this really bad feeling in my stomach. I knew something was terribly wrong. I was the main account holder to our Internet access provider and I called them and told them I needed to change all of the passwords. I wanted to check his email to see what was going on because at that point he was on the computer all night long. The minute I logged on to his account, I started getting IM’s from 14- and 15-year-old girls. I found letters that were written to other women, claiming that he wanted out of our relationship. I just remember seeing red and throwing all of his clothes out of the closet. My parents who had supported us, paid his phone bill, and co-signed for a car for him, were infuriated.
The minute he got home he looked at me and I was going to attack him, but I don’t believe in violence. I started screaming and crying, and he had this, “deer in the headlights,” look on his face. Then he started crying and begging for forgiveness. He left the house and went walking all night long. Even then I was worried for his safety. I couldn’t believe that someone I loved could be so uncaring.
Engagement
We went to the Sierras for a vacation and to cool off. He bought me an engagement ring and I accepted. I thought it would all go away, but it didn’t. He kept seeing underage girls, and lying to my face. He owed my parents money that he had, but wouldn’t pay back. My best friend told me that while I was on a trip to Laughlin with my mother, he had come in to the restaurant she was working at and asked her to see a movie with him. She told him, “No way,” and he left. I found out that he was having multiple affairs with several women. I figured out the reason why he wanted to come to California was simply the fact that he was inundated with women. I won’t call all of them “women,” because he was having sex with underage girls.
We broke up and I was terribly confused and depressed. I had to go on anti-depressants because I had never been so sad in my life. I had picked out a wedding dress and I had booked a venue. I was in complete and utter denial. The one good thing about knowing a sociopath is that you can spot them very easily now. I can pick up on what men do and tell whether or not they are genuine.
Felon
This is the topper. One of my good friends got a background search service for nannies. She has several children. There was a way to look up felons, and by this time, my ex had moved to Kansas. I looked him up and found out he was in jail for ten years for having sex with a 14-year-old. While he was in jail he claimed to have become a born-again Christian. From what I’ve read, sociopaths can never change. They can adapt to the circumstances around them and pretend to be certain people (which is what he did to me), but I don’t think he has changed.
As soon as he was released from jail, he found a very young girl and got her pregnant. He had only been out of jail for three months and she was carrying his baby. I felt that I needed to write to her and let her know what I went through and to make sure she saw the warning signs. She didn’t want to hear me out, and thought I was a scorned lover, but I was actually deeply disgusted. I couldn’t believe that she would marry a pedophile. They now have a baby girl and I am so terrified for the child. I just hope that he has changed, but he showed every single sign of antisocial behavior. It was actually eerie when I started reading about it. He fit the profile, exactly!
Just please be aware that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is, and that you may find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over again. Thank you for reading my story!
Thank you, “Bridgette” for being brave and sharing your story! I see so many similarities with your story and mine. I also met my spath at the age of 19..I’m almost 33. He claims to be Born-again as well. My ex should be in prison for embezzling from one of his high-end jobs. My parents also helped support. Nothing but lies and discrepencies from early on that he always had an excuse for, that he always manipulated me into forgiving and “starting over”. Unfortunately we married within 6 months (together for 10 years) and had 3 children together (beautiful blessings–all I have to show for a decade of my life–lost everything else). The 3 kids are his pawns as he continues his sick game. So grateful for Lovefraud.com as it has taught me so much. First, I found out what exactly I was married to. Second it is teaching me how to deal with him today–especially when it comes to co-parenting. Beyond frustrating! I’m glad you also found this site 😀
Is your ex on a sex offender list? It should be that whenever someone googles his name, that comes up as #1. So sick and so sad.
Good news is that not all men are sociopaths. Stay encouraged! I met the perfect match for me when I wasn’t looking, when I had no intentions, and when I was okay with being alone the rest of my life. He is the opposite of my ex and a wonderful example to my children. We’ve taken it slow and happily engaged over a year now. My ex spath marries his next victim next week. My fiance and I have tried to warn her–but the smear campain against us has been a successful one…for now. One day she will see the light and remember what was said.
Blessings to you! Wish you all the best 🙂
This is a perfect example of someone not “honoring the red flags”—of course how could she realize how deep the waters were or how much of a warning the flags meant? Love fixes everything doesn’t it?
When we either don’t know that the “red flags” have great meaning, or we know and choose to ignore them, we always crash our little boats upon the rocks of the psychopathic shore.
In this case, of course Bridgette being so young, so inexperienced, had no way of knowing that what she was seeing was the tip of the iceberg and would be the undoing of her relationship with this person.
As each new red flag waves in the breeze more and more, while the warnings are more visible, we want to ignore them, to not believe they are true indicators of danger, until one day we can see nothing but red flags and we must accept that we are in deep waters, are indeed in danger and that the relationship has been a fraud from the get go, from the first tiny red flag waving on the distant horizon.
Welcome to LF, Bridgette, and thank you for sharing your story. There is power in numbers and I think the strength is that there are so many of us, but the red flags are pretty much all the same. Dishonesty of one sort or another which we pity and over look in our caring and compassion for the people we love.
Your article is another example of why we should never ignore the RED FLAGS OF LOVEFRAUD. NEVER.
i have been NC for nearly a year from my ex. It has been extremely difficult road, but I am getting through it. About 2 months ago I met a guy on-line and at first he was really great. He had a great sense of humor, was a gentleman and very smart. During this ‘courtship’, he slowly but surely started changing and began demanding things that were making me feel that I was not contributing. He started criticizing my lack of initiative in choosing our activities, my jewelry, the fact that I would not take a bus with him on our dates (he has a car).
I now realize that I was being ‘groomed’ to be what he wanted me to be and I broke it off last week. If it had not been for this website and the fact that I spent 5 years with a sociopath, I would not have recognized the manipulative behavior.
He has not tried to reach out to me, which is a pretty good indicator that this has happened before. But whether or not he is a sociopath, this site has showed me that no one should subject themselves to abusive behavior.
Shelby,
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ON!!!!
Those “small” red flags are saying CAUTION possible danger ahead.
We should ALWAYS honor those flags by seeing what else is in the area that might be a warning sign that this person is not trustworthy, or just not the person we want in our lives.
Not all the people that I don’t want in my life are psychopaths. Not all of them are stone cold killers, but when I see some form of dishonesty, some form of “caution” sign, I think it is prudent for me to at least SLOW DOWN and watch the “road” for more signs of danger.
TAKE A BUS on your dates and he has a car? LOL
Bridgette ~
Thank you so much for being so brave to share your story. I am sorry you had to go through this nightmare, but perhaps your story and others like it will be a teaching tool.
I like your use of the old saying “if it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.” Here is another one that is always good to remember – “Actions (behaviors) speak louder than words.”
I wish you the best for the future, you are indeed older and a whole lot wiser.
Hi Ox Drover: Yes, Take a bus. On our second date, I had to drop him off at a bus station at 11:30p at night and it took him 1 1/2 hours to get home and he only lives 20 minutes away. He drives, but he would not drive me anywhere. But, I am grateful, because I started paying attention to the behavior and how he changed over time. And it didn’t take thatk much time for me to figure it out.
Shelby, that is a HOOT! Yea, taking a bus isn’t evidence he is a psychopath, but it sure is evidence he is “odd” at least, and that maybe you didn’t want to be associated with him. LOL
Bridgette, omigawd, when I first began reading your experiences, I thought that Donna had gotten hold of my story until I read a bit further!
I am SO sorry that you had these experiences and that you’ve had such terrible issues, since. I’ve made 2 contracts of marriage with spaths, and I can relate to feeling altered, forever.
I would urge that you consider individual counseling therapy with someone that “gets it.” For whatever reason, the first spath was able to exploit your empathy and kindness – both priceless qualities and NOT vulnerabilities. And, the experiences with him made a lasting negative impression upon your own self-worth and self-esteem. A good, strong counselor can help you to sort this all out and reconnect with people that might have been cast aside in this journey.
Thank you for sharing your painful experiences – it takes some courage to speak openly and honestly about such events.
Brightest blessings
I have been divorced twice and since then dated two sex offenders that have not been legally prosecuted as of yet (found out while dating them and still recovering from the horror). I have made four dysfunctional choices on sharing my life (marriages and dating after my last divorce) with unhealthy males.
I now have learned (took a major earthquake within my psyche) and accepted (most of the time) it is far better to learn to never again be an intimate relationship then; to suffer through hell with a male or female with a border line personality disorder. I attract them due to my dysfunctional programming as an innocent child. I have to change that crazy dysfunctional dance with the sociopaths before I can recognize and learn how to enjoy a normal (anything better than what those of us here has experienced) relationship.
Oh just to complain he’s being a jerk versus the sick mind games and abuses from a border line personality disorder being. I would gratefully desire.
I don’t believe most of the time that I’m deserving anything better then what I have survived through however; there is now a bleak belief of light showing that in time maybe I will believe I deserve better and will find a NORMAL man. LOL
These changes must come from within my soul and psyche. Like I mentioned I know I have issues due to the dysfunctional up-bring and I must change too.