Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Bridgette.”
This is the first time that I have publicly talked about my experience with a sociopath. It happened when I was 19 years old, and I’m 34 now. Ever since this so-called engagement happened, I’ve never had a “normal,” relationship with a man. I won’t say that this man ruined me, but he took something from me that I can never get back.
I go back to 1997 and I remember starting up a relationship with a guy who I met in a chatroom, just by chance. We started IM’ing each other, and as time went by, I started calling Maryland and he was calling California. I fell in love with him immediately. He was charming and always wanted to make sure I was okay. I did notice that he was incredibly jealous, but it didn’t bother me too much. He told me he was leaving Maryland to come to California to go to school. I was thrilled. Something inside of my gut told me that this was too good to be true. He gave me a flight number, and the name of the school he was going to attend, and my parents agreed to let him stay with us for two weeks before school started. I contacted the school to make sure all of his stuff was in order. They told me that they had never heard of him, and had no idea what I was talking about. I looked up the flight number and that didn’t exist either.
I called him out on these lies and he explained that he didn’t have the money for school, or the plane ticket, but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell me. Amazingly I felt terrible. My parents lent him money for a bus ticket, and told him that he could stay with us until he found a job in Los Angeles. They knew that I was in love with him, and my mother was so happy to see me so happy. He was the first man I had ever been with, and that was a big deal for me. He treated me like a princess. He told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever been with, and that he was going to marry me.
Dark side
The first two months he was charming, but then I started to see a very dark side. The first time it happened on the freeway in L.A. I couldn’t find a certain off ramp and he screamed at me and said I was, “stupid.” I remember silently crying to myself and actually believing that i might be an idiot. The second time my brother was watching the big T.V. in the living room and my boyfriend wanted to watch it, so he demanded I tell my brother to stop watching it. I couldn’t tell my brother to get out. He physically attacked me at that point. One day we got an angry call from his sister saying that his calls from Maryland to California had never been paid for, and he had left his mother with a $700 phone bill. She was on SSI and couldn’t pay it. All of these red flags kept coming up and I still didn’t pay any attention.
He had a stable job that he up and quit for no reason. He found a job that would allow him to stay up at night and work on his computer (or so I thought.) One day I had this really bad feeling in my stomach. I knew something was terribly wrong. I was the main account holder to our Internet access provider and I called them and told them I needed to change all of the passwords. I wanted to check his email to see what was going on because at that point he was on the computer all night long. The minute I logged on to his account, I started getting IM’s from 14- and 15-year-old girls. I found letters that were written to other women, claiming that he wanted out of our relationship. I just remember seeing red and throwing all of his clothes out of the closet. My parents who had supported us, paid his phone bill, and co-signed for a car for him, were infuriated.
The minute he got home he looked at me and I was going to attack him, but I don’t believe in violence. I started screaming and crying, and he had this, “deer in the headlights,” look on his face. Then he started crying and begging for forgiveness. He left the house and went walking all night long. Even then I was worried for his safety. I couldn’t believe that someone I loved could be so uncaring.
Engagement
We went to the Sierras for a vacation and to cool off. He bought me an engagement ring and I accepted. I thought it would all go away, but it didn’t. He kept seeing underage girls, and lying to my face. He owed my parents money that he had, but wouldn’t pay back. My best friend told me that while I was on a trip to Laughlin with my mother, he had come in to the restaurant she was working at and asked her to see a movie with him. She told him, “No way,” and he left. I found out that he was having multiple affairs with several women. I figured out the reason why he wanted to come to California was simply the fact that he was inundated with women. I won’t call all of them “women,” because he was having sex with underage girls.
We broke up and I was terribly confused and depressed. I had to go on anti-depressants because I had never been so sad in my life. I had picked out a wedding dress and I had booked a venue. I was in complete and utter denial. The one good thing about knowing a sociopath is that you can spot them very easily now. I can pick up on what men do and tell whether or not they are genuine.
Felon
This is the topper. One of my good friends got a background search service for nannies. She has several children. There was a way to look up felons, and by this time, my ex had moved to Kansas. I looked him up and found out he was in jail for ten years for having sex with a 14-year-old. While he was in jail he claimed to have become a born-again Christian. From what I’ve read, sociopaths can never change. They can adapt to the circumstances around them and pretend to be certain people (which is what he did to me), but I don’t think he has changed.
As soon as he was released from jail, he found a very young girl and got her pregnant. He had only been out of jail for three months and she was carrying his baby. I felt that I needed to write to her and let her know what I went through and to make sure she saw the warning signs. She didn’t want to hear me out, and thought I was a scorned lover, but I was actually deeply disgusted. I couldn’t believe that she would marry a pedophile. They now have a baby girl and I am so terrified for the child. I just hope that he has changed, but he showed every single sign of antisocial behavior. It was actually eerie when I started reading about it. He fit the profile, exactly!
Just please be aware that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is, and that you may find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over again. Thank you for reading my story!
Raised by a sociopath,
I have long said that “the healing starts out with us learning about THEM, and then progresses to us learning about OURSELVES.”
We must learn about them, so we can spot them, know the red flags so that we can avoid hooking up with another one, but we must ALSO learn about ourselves.
What made me vulnerable to this kind of person?
What things about me do I need to recognize and then change?
There are hundreds of things that we need to learn, and learning about ourselves is the on going thing that I think will require a life time of learning, growing.
Thank you 🙂
Bridget
This young female could very well be just like him in which case I feel so terrified for that child. Believe it or not birds of feather do flock together.
Not speaking about you and thankfully you found out the truth. Sorry you went through such hell.
The mere fact she married him after finding out he’s a pedophile speaks loudly about her.
Yes psychopaths hypnotize their victims to do their will however; this young woman has a dysfunctional family life to begin with. Truly if someone cared this marriage would have never taken place. Can you see some of the dynamics now how and why this took place.
“deer in the headlights,”
Omgosh I love this phrase. The sex predator I informed the authorities about has this type of look too when confronted. I really now laugh at the thought of remembering when I saw him doing this.
The first time is people (men) were informing me that they had seen him with another women (around age 21 and he’s 50). I didn’t want to believe it then yet; confronted him. She was right there at the time at the bar and pissed off he denied it. In which case the obvious reaction from her told the truth (plus bartenders tip each off). I was hurt and what a cold slap of reality to my face.
This idiot thought I was still going to go on a weekend motorcycle trip with him the following day. Instead I showed up and told him while he was finishing packing his bike for the trip I couldn’t go because of what he did to me. He gave me that look of hurt and “deer in the headlights” response. It felt great to do that to him. He keeps sadly telling other he can’t believe I hurt him like that. LOL! (big time)
Sadly I believe this is just an expression of either I can’t believe you found out or maybe a ploy to convenience people to believe he is innocent of the wrong doing he has been confronted on.
If I ever come into contact with this Psycho again and see this reaction due to something someone else is confronting him on, I’m going to laugh out loud and say “busted they found out some of the truth about you!”
Raised by a sociiopath,
I strongly suggest that you avoid this person as much as possible unless you are legally required to be around them (co-parenting or whatever) NO CONTACT with them is the best and safest means of helping yourself recover. Each time we are around them it is like “slime” as Skylar says, and even talking to them covers you with their “slime” Give it a try, I promise you, it works.
Bridgette,
You said that since the spath, you haven’t had a normal relationship. Usually, the spath isn’t the cause, the parents are.
I’ll try to explain. The way you reacted to the betrayal is not normal. A normal person would have shunned the betrayer.
I find it interesting that you parents were also conned out of money by this spath. There is more to investigate here. It isn’t clear why or how none of you were able to say, “STOP, no more.”
My own parents are “question marks” for me. They knew my spath was after my money but didn’t tell me. They are extremely abnormal but “love me”. My brother and one sister are both spaths. Even the cats that they raise have autoimmune problems.
I do know that some of my grandparents were spaths or borderline. There was lots of abuse involved in their lives. Try to be objective and investigate your parents’ upbringing. Abuse is generational. It happens again because it happened before.
Skylar, absolutely spot-on. From what I’ve experienced, I believe that predisposition to spath doesn’t always mean that spath will develop IF there is a strong, healthy, and boundary-laden childhood. I agree, 100%, that spaths learn what they learn from their environments.
The exspath’s family is wholly dysfunctional and abusive to one another. It’s actually pretty scary when I view the whole thing with an objective eye. They all hate one another (quite literally), but they band together like a wolf pack when one of the family members is “in trouble.” They enable, sit the fence, and engage in behaviors that are utterly despicable and intolerable, and it’s all a part of the dynamics of this whole family.
For myself, getting down to the core of my issues began with my childhood experiences and carried right through into adulthood. I was needy in so many ways that I would tolerate anything (literally) to avoid being abandoned, unwanted, unloved, or any other UN-thing. I had no sense of “Self,” whatsoever and my status as a “victim” was clearly formed when I was a child.
It takes a bit of work to detach emotionally to look at the whole thing with an objective eye, but the effort is worth it, on every level. Calling a spade what it is doesn’t necessarily mean that I hate that spade, but if it’s a spade, then it isn’t a hose or a hammer – it’s a spade. It’s a fact. And, no matter how much I might want to believe that it’s a hammer, all of the wishful thinking in the world isn’t going to turn that spade into what I want it to be. It is what it is. And, that’s how I had to approach my childhood traumas – they are what they are and both of my parents did the best that they knew how to do with the tools that they had, themselves, even if the tools were broken. I don’t believe that it was their deliberate intention to raise me up into a victim or source target. That’s not to say that some parents out there don’t intend to ruin a child’s psyche – oh, they sure do. But, even that situation is what it is and cannot be altered by wishful thinking.
So, I agree that exploration of our environments, childhoods, and the family behavioral history carries a tremendous weight in determining what ails ME.
Brightest blessings
Ox Drover:
What are others doing to stay connected while also staying protected?
“Not all the people that I don’t want in my life are psychopaths. Not all of them are stone cold killers, but when I see some form of dishonesty, some form of “caution” sign, I think it is prudent for me to at least SLOW DOWN and watch the “road” for more signs of danger.” Ox Drover
In response to your post above about breaking off relationships with toxic people, I have noticed, for myself, that I am running out of people with which to have No Contact. What I mean by that, is that I have broken off contact with all 7 of my brothers & sisters and my mother (my father is deceased, but I now strongly suspect he was a sociopath). And of course, the sociopath and anyone associated with him. But I have taken it beyond that, I am breaking off relationships with MOST of the people in my life, even one of my daughters! That realization is soul-shattering! Are all these people who consistently hurt me to be avoided? Can they all have some sort of personality disorder? Is it just me, trying to protect myself for more pain, that I am now isolating myself? It is certainly possible that I am the one with the personality disorder (perhaps Avoidant or some other one) Am I really so bad at picking friends and romantic relationships that I am doomed to live like a hermit for the rest of my life? I know that I am half of the equation for each relationship in my life, so I do accept responsibility for that. But, geez, like I said in the beginning, I am running out of people and certainly not willing to put myself out there anymore to create new relationships! But I’m lonely and very worried. Anyone else feel that they are giving up all their relationships to protect their psyches from further harm? It is a huge sacrifice for a little peace of mind. But I truly don’t want to be hurt anymore. I just don’t have the mental resources to cope with more pain. However, I don’t think avoiding is the answer. What are others doing to stay connected while also staying protected?
Newlife43, I feel the exact same way. Only have to friends left, gone nc with the rest. Very lonely…
Dear Newlife,
I hear your point completely. You feel that If you cut out all the disordered and dysfunctional people in your life, that leaves you with NO ONE.
That may actually be the case. We spent so much time with the relation-SHITS that we didn’t have any healthy relation-ships or people in our lives.
It also IS difficult to develop new relationships at an “advanced age”
I used to have all this large crowd of people at my house…never less than 5-6 for supper, and weekends was a BIG crowd of my husband’s friends, my son’s friends and my friends…now my house is much more quiet…but I CHERISH those FEW people who are REAL in my life. That I can COUNT on.
Sure, I was half of those other relationships….but I was the VICTIM part of the VICTIM/ABUSER duo. I ALLOWED that. NO more. I refuse to play that part.
I am not living like a hermit, but if it were the truth that I had NO friends or relatives that were healthy, then I WOULD live in a cave before I would allow myself to become a victim again of an abusive person.
Being like a kicked dog and crawling back to an abusive master is not the answer. We need to get out and find other friends if we don’t have any, but use the CAUTION of observing for RED FLAGS that show that that person is not a good candidate for our trust.
I am at PEACE, there is no DRAMA in my life and no people using or abusing me. Not a huge crowd of people loving me, either, but those that do are GOLD.
Trying to have a HEALTHY BALANCE in life…between work and play, between any two extremes for that matter I think is important.
There are lots of people who are on the “edges” of my life (people I don’t trust and am not emotionally intimate with) and I don’t want those people any closer to me because I have seen something in their behavior that I don’t like. I can’t go live on a desert island to get away from everyone in the world who is a jerk on up to a psychopath, but I don’t have to allow these people to become my intimate friends. And I don’t.
I am “friendly” with them, but not intimate friends WITH these people on the edges of my life.
Developing real friendships takes TIME and EFFORT…and since adults don’t generally get to meet a large number of new potential friends (like kids at school do) we have to work harder at finding new candidates for friendship.
Mutual interest groups are a good place to start meeting people, and I am involved in several groups. That is a good way to socialize and to meet potential new friends.
Learning to back off if you spot something about a person that shows dishonesty or abuse, learning to set boundaries, all are things that we have to learn as we grow in healthy selection of friends.