Editor’s note: On April 15, 2009, we posted “Bob’s” story—Leaning on his family while battling his wife. Well, the battle continues. Bob is asking the Lovefraud community for suggestions.
I recently received the email below from my P ex-wife and wanted to share it with your readers. I would like someone to analyze this to get some insight and commentary on this situation. It is so reminiscent of what I have read on Lovefraud.com and in books and comes really without surprise; it just surprises me of the lengths she will go to try to falsely trash me in an effort to obtain custody of our kids. The allegations are either fabricated or extremely exaggerated. She has a knack for manipulating people to write letters for her and support her. She has no fear of me and really no fear that I will endanger our kids; she knows I would never hurt them. This is all blowing smoke, but there is motive.
A quick background: Post-divorce with joint custody, she moved out of state to be with her lover and took me to court to move the kids with her. Her motion was denied and the kids still live with me in my state during the school year, but she moved regardless. Her child support to me was tripled by the court order, and that has angered her. She lies to my kids about the circumstances of her move and casts blame at me for us being so far apart geographically.
During the custodial evaluation, up to the hearing and after the order was handed down she has been on a vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostile towards her. Apparently this is the only way she could convince the courts to give her custody. She stopped paying me for children’s expenses after the court order was received, attempting to elicit angry emails from me. That was over a year ago and this continues to this day, even after I took her to court this year to force payment of children’s expenses. After that court order, she still refuses to pay me what is legitimately owed. She is very angry and vindictive, but she conceals it from others very well.
Note, I have been to her home on only three occasions to drop off or pick up my kids and she lives over 1,000 miles from me. She travels to my state with regularity to pick up and drop off the kids at my home without any fear of me. The characterizations of me”—hostile, angry, vindictive, inconsistent, unbalanced, unstable, threatening, harassing, bi-polar—”are a common theme in her emails.
Bob:
I have just returned from a meeting with local law enforcement. I met with them because I fear for my safety and the safety of our children. Your actions, writings and overall demeanor are unstable, inconsistent, vindictive, and threatening.
During this discussion, I shared the following:
1) Our guidance from the Court.
2) years of correspondence between Bob and me, highlighting particularly the exchanges that were most hostile, threatening and vindictive.
3) A tape of Bob’s wire tapping of my phone while I lived in (city removed).
4) Several documents that prove Bob’s attempts to hack into my bank accounts, my AT&T account, my email account and one credit card account.
5) Data I have collected through Bob’s emails of him stalking me, including one today where he has details of my flight information that I did not provide to him. There are several other emails that confirm this pattern of behavior.
6) A written statement from the Summer Camp employee that he interrogated in August, complete with her statement that he appeared unstable and made her uncomfortable. She also confirms that he explicitly told her that he had sole custody of the children and that I was not allowed to make the decision I had made when enrolling him in his summer activities.
7) Evidence suggesting Bob’s taping of the children’s and my conversations.
I agreed that I would follow up this information with an opinion from my therapist, since she has been privy to the daily deluge of drama and interactions and has formed some opinions, based upon what she has read.
The officer confirms that there are red flags in this situation that do not need to be ignored. His suggestion is that I state first my concerns in writing directly to you. I am once again asking you to stop this harassment and contemptible behavior immediately. If you continue, I will have no choice but to proceed with the process of highlighting these situations and writings to the proper authorities and to seek protection for myself and our children.
This is not a threat and these are not games. Your anger, vindictiveness, and nonacceptance of the rules we were given have resulted in harassing and predatory behaviors which are at a minimum, disturbing and at the extreme, dangerous.
Our community saw a triple murder within the last two months at the hand of their father, a white-collar banking manager. The background and circumstances of this heinous crime were eerily similar to our past two years. I will no longer take the chances of what your volatility, instability or hostility might lead to.
Angie
Bob,
The thing is that you are being strung along here on an emotional rollercoaster. And the only person here who can get off this “ride” is you. She is going to stay on the rollercoaster. Because its all about control. Every time you bite….she wins.
You can have an entire fleet of lawyers and child advocates to keep this “battle” going…..But all the lawyers and all the advocates in the world are NOT going to make much of an imprint on your children. Only you can DO THAT.
These people are not going to help you raise them, go to teachers conferences, sporting events, help with homework, nurse them when they are sick, play catch in the back yard, take them camping and yadda, yadda……Again, only you can do that.
And all this other stuff, this “battle” uses up so much energy. You must be exhausted.
You can NOT control your X wifes behavior. You can NOT determine what men she chooses to spend her time with. And here’s the real clincher. You really can’t prevent your kids from spending time with these men either. Just because these men might enter their lives, become attatched, and then exit their lives later…This isn’t against the law. Neither is dating several women at one time, such as the landscaper. (better world if it was against the law, LOL)
What I am trying to say here is that alot of this is unfinished business with your X wife, on your part. SOME of this doesn’t even concern your childrens welfare…Other than YOUR well being in regards to them as their father.
So you have to decide….What is more important here?
Your kids well being? Or your fighting the never ending battle and riding on the emotional rollercoaster?
STOP and think about it.
GOD Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change……..
(Alot you can’t change here….BUT mostly HER)
The courage to change the things I can……(you)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Someone needs to step to the plate. If you spend your entire childrens life fighting this battle what are your children going to remember about growing up?
Very well said, witsend. This is what I was trying to say.
I am discussing and considering addressing landscaper’s email to me. The purpose is to put him on notice. I realize legally I cannot make demands of him, but I wish to continue a paper trail. I will copy the parenting consultant and Angie. Hopefully the parenting consultant and therapists will come together and issue directive that he not be around children. I was hoping to get this off before I drop the children’s clothing/bags at one of their activities tonight (she is getting them from school this afternoon). Also considering asking for police to be present. Thoughts?
Dave,
We are all entitled to our opinions.
In the future, I suggest that you don’t make joint plans for your family with Angie until after her parenting time has been agreed to by me and/or our parenting consultant.
Further, your documented threat of alienating my children from me has been discussed with the local police and provided to the professionals involved in our case. I take your threat very seriously.
In the future:
• do not communicate with me in any manner;
• do not have any involvement or be present in the exchanges of my children between me and Angie; and
• do not be present at any of my children’s activities where there is any possibility that I will be present.
Should you decide to ignore my requests, you can expect that I will seek legal action.
Bob
I have addressed lapses in landscaper’s behavior around children with Angie in the past. She just brushed them off saying that I should talk to him directly and that she has no control over his actions. She accepts no accountability, as expected.
Bob,
the landscaper sounds like a P. His tone is manipulitive and his womanizing is also a red flag. I’m glad you didn’t send the email response. How can you be sure he even sent the email to begin with? Either way, it is obvious bait to get you to seem angry. My xP also sent me emails about how horrible and pathetic I was. Back then, when I was responding to his emails, I just emailed him that regardless of what he has done to himself, he is still a child of God. (an idiot priest told me that) That reply must’ve gotten to him, because he pretended he didn’t get it. LOL.
That’s funny. When I have written to my P, was concise and factual without emotion or accusations and called her on her document behavior she did not respond. That’s when there is a sense of satisfaction.
For example (too wordy), she wrote me that she has no more spare time than me to work on children’s issues. Remember, the children live with me during the school year, and her during the summer (nanny is her live in boyfriend’s 19 year old daughter who lives with her in the summer as well).
Angie,
The reality is that you are in (home state) without any of the daily responsibilities of raising our children during the school year (and passed to others during the summer), while both adults in our home are working daily, involved in nightly homework, transporting children to nightly activities (multiple on some nights), and both my wife and I missing work over the past two years for doctor, dentist, therapy appointments and getting the boys to and from the airport. Not to mention having to defend and respond to your continual allegations and demands. The boys likely would not require therapy absent a frivolous custody battle, custody evaluation and their mother leaving them behind. We are caring for and raising our children as well as we can considering our daily behavioural challenges of our oldest child while you sit on the sidelines and make demands of how we raise them after you made the choice to leave them in our care. Your choice to move was optional, and your decision and how you handle this affects our children. Please remember this when you are not physically available to help our children.
You have never in this lifetime had the responsibility of raising our children while working without the assistance of me and/or a nanny to attend to their daily needs, never. So your statement that you have no more spare time than me is not believable.
BOB:
What are you doing?
Bottom line……are your kids in danger?
OR- are you trying to control who/what/when/where their time with the ex?
I see you jumping at every inch of bone anyone throws you.
IF YOUR KIDS ARE IN NO IMMEDIATE DANGER OF HARM…..GIVE IT UP!
She’s dating…..so what, she’s not with you anymore? Your dating……I get the impression you have underlying issues with this?
YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF HER MORALS!
Your emails are full of blame, digs and point making……do you really think this is productive? Do you really think she’s going to have an epiphany and admit to YOU she was wrong? NOT A CHANCE….and if that did occur…..I don’t think that would put an end to it either. I think you are perpetuating this crap and it will bite you in the ass later…..in the form of your kids!
DANG…..let the woman go, raise your kids and stop the childish neener neener games with her and her cronies.
Based on what you write, there is absolutely NO Legal grounds for anything….just because he brags about your ex’s $$ doesn’t make him a threat to you or kids……just because he’s on match dating others isn’t illegal……it may go against your morals……BUT IT AINT UP TO YOU!
Stop involving the police……this is not a police situation……
I think you need to step back and reevaluate your goals here.
If indeed it’s for the health and welfare of the kids…….then stop it right now!
Find some other drama to engage in……NOT involoving them!
BOB,
STOP…..You are engaging in “Tit for Tat” behavior.
This has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with your unfinished business regarding your past/present relationship/experience with her.
She is WINNING at her “Vigorous Campaign To Portray You As Angry And Hostile”
Your emails sound angry and hostile. Don’t let her do this to you!
Bob,
I am sure that your intentions initially were about the children. You were a stay at home dad and had a relationship with them.
But your pain and anger over what she “did” to you is clouding your vision right now.
She did what she did. And it wasn’t right. And she got away with it. PROCESS and heal from that pain.
But don’t loose focus on what is really important here and that is your KIDS.
NOT her arrogant boyfriends. Not her self centered lifestyle.
YOUR KIDS.
I fully understand what you are saying. Many of the rambling and accusatory things I posted above that she dragged me into are from a few years back. I am far past the affairs, and am actually greatful as the opened my eyes wide and gave me strength and motified to leave the relationship. I have gotten much greater control over my writings and they don’t go out without running past both my wife and my brother. My wife is of the view point to just not respond, and note the email with the professionals. She is a saint to have stuck by my side through all of this from the very beginning and to love and care for my children.
Here is my problem. This landscaper and the P’s boyfriend (who are now friends and part of the Anti-Bob club) have been manipulated to believe things that are untrue about me and about our legal issues. This P keeps her plans and agenda close to her chest, even the closest confidants don’t know all about her or she might lose them. You understand the charm and manipluation skills of these Ps. I don’t care what these men think of me, they will never be friends with or civil to me. In fact I have received multiple threatening and harrassing messages of various types from her boyfriend.
However, based upon what landscaper wrote the other day and from past experiences, both of these men are attempting to alientate my oldest child from me. This has been on ongoing campaign because of their despise of me. They feel that I have let down my oldest child (the P’s favorite child) because my new wife and I are stearn with rules, expected behavior, bullying of brothers, etc. Something they never experienced before the P left town and I remarried, and something they still don’t experience outside of our care. They feel they have a right to step in as father. I know, I have no control over this. The professionals involved in our lives continue to stress that we are doing the right things with the children.
Last year this Landscaper sat on an 4 hour flight with my boys and his two children returning from my P’s state back to mine. When I picked up my boys at the airport, my youngest (then 7) had visible pinch marks all over his arms and a few on his face (a few with skin broken), and a bloodied earlobe. When asked what had happened we were told that Landscaper’s 11 year daughter did this to him while Landscaper held him down in his seat. We made the mistake of not going immediately to the emergency room to document this. We talked about this in the car, and my oldest said the younger two were lying and defended the landscaper. Things escalated in the backseat of my car between the boys, and my wife reached back to separate the boys. She barely touched my oldest and he went bezerk screaming that she is never to touch him, that his mom said so, and that he had the phone number of a woman he was to call if he was ever touched by my wife.
Unfortunately, many of the additional instances where I feel my children have been endangered are unprovable, unless the therapist or consultant can get the boys to open up and document these instances. You all know how that goes.
I guess what you are all telling me is that I have to give up the fight and the hope that my x-P will ever become a responsible parent and do what is best for the children. I hat to succumb to that, but I guess it is the reality.
Like the therapist tolds us, she will never get any better, but she will get worse. Count on it. The recent alleged trip to local police and accusations by her are stong evidence of that.
Hence the reason for NC!!!!