Editor’s note: On April 15, 2009, we posted “Bob’s” story—Leaning on his family while battling his wife. Well, the battle continues. Bob is asking the Lovefraud community for suggestions.
I recently received the email below from my P ex-wife and wanted to share it with your readers. I would like someone to analyze this to get some insight and commentary on this situation. It is so reminiscent of what I have read on Lovefraud.com and in books and comes really without surprise; it just surprises me of the lengths she will go to try to falsely trash me in an effort to obtain custody of our kids. The allegations are either fabricated or extremely exaggerated. She has a knack for manipulating people to write letters for her and support her. She has no fear of me and really no fear that I will endanger our kids; she knows I would never hurt them. This is all blowing smoke, but there is motive.
A quick background: Post-divorce with joint custody, she moved out of state to be with her lover and took me to court to move the kids with her. Her motion was denied and the kids still live with me in my state during the school year, but she moved regardless. Her child support to me was tripled by the court order, and that has angered her. She lies to my kids about the circumstances of her move and casts blame at me for us being so far apart geographically.
During the custodial evaluation, up to the hearing and after the order was handed down she has been on a vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostile towards her. Apparently this is the only way she could convince the courts to give her custody. She stopped paying me for children’s expenses after the court order was received, attempting to elicit angry emails from me. That was over a year ago and this continues to this day, even after I took her to court this year to force payment of children’s expenses. After that court order, she still refuses to pay me what is legitimately owed. She is very angry and vindictive, but she conceals it from others very well.
Note, I have been to her home on only three occasions to drop off or pick up my kids and she lives over 1,000 miles from me. She travels to my state with regularity to pick up and drop off the kids at my home without any fear of me. The characterizations of me”—hostile, angry, vindictive, inconsistent, unbalanced, unstable, threatening, harassing, bi-polar—”are a common theme in her emails.
Bob:
I have just returned from a meeting with local law enforcement. I met with them because I fear for my safety and the safety of our children. Your actions, writings and overall demeanor are unstable, inconsistent, vindictive, and threatening.
During this discussion, I shared the following:
1) Our guidance from the Court.
2) years of correspondence between Bob and me, highlighting particularly the exchanges that were most hostile, threatening and vindictive.
3) A tape of Bob’s wire tapping of my phone while I lived in (city removed).
4) Several documents that prove Bob’s attempts to hack into my bank accounts, my AT&T account, my email account and one credit card account.
5) Data I have collected through Bob’s emails of him stalking me, including one today where he has details of my flight information that I did not provide to him. There are several other emails that confirm this pattern of behavior.
6) A written statement from the Summer Camp employee that he interrogated in August, complete with her statement that he appeared unstable and made her uncomfortable. She also confirms that he explicitly told her that he had sole custody of the children and that I was not allowed to make the decision I had made when enrolling him in his summer activities.
7) Evidence suggesting Bob’s taping of the children’s and my conversations.
I agreed that I would follow up this information with an opinion from my therapist, since she has been privy to the daily deluge of drama and interactions and has formed some opinions, based upon what she has read.
The officer confirms that there are red flags in this situation that do not need to be ignored. His suggestion is that I state first my concerns in writing directly to you. I am once again asking you to stop this harassment and contemptible behavior immediately. If you continue, I will have no choice but to proceed with the process of highlighting these situations and writings to the proper authorities and to seek protection for myself and our children.
This is not a threat and these are not games. Your anger, vindictiveness, and nonacceptance of the rules we were given have resulted in harassing and predatory behaviors which are at a minimum, disturbing and at the extreme, dangerous.
Our community saw a triple murder within the last two months at the hand of their father, a white-collar banking manager. The background and circumstances of this heinous crime were eerily similar to our past two years. I will no longer take the chances of what your volatility, instability or hostility might lead to.
Angie
Dear Bob,
Yes, NC does send them into a “high conflict” position (make them worse for a while) because they are struggling to maintain CONTROL over the situation, and thus YOU. It has “always worked in the past” so they repeat and escalate that behavior until NC is broken again and they are back “in control” and have you where they can strike at you again.
It takes TIME for them to realize that they will NOT be rewarded with an interaction (ANY interaction or reaction from you isa reward for them) It is like a STALKING situation where even noticing the stalker ENCOURAGES them to continue. Even telling the “stalker” because that is ultimately what it is, this refusal to go away from someone you know doesn’t want you around, so you (the stalker) tell yourself that they really DO want to interact with you, that they notice you, that YOU ARE IMPORTANT and can control the other person’s life. It is TWISTED I know, but must make sense to THEM. LOL
The ultimate goal for YOU is, of course, for your children’s well being. HER ultimate goal is to HURT YOU in any way she can. Since she only has ONE weapon, your children, that is what she will use. Each time she gets even a slight NOTICE from you she is encouraged to continue. These “small victories” are her “life blood” emotionally. Her greatest enjoyment. Cut them off, and hopefully, she will move on to another victim when her greatest antics don’t elicite a response from you. For you and your current wife to live “happily ever after” is the greatest insult you could give her, the greatest narcissistic injury to her ego. YOU MUST suffer and bleed to appease her sense of injury.
“The characterizations of me—“hostile, angry, vindictive, inconsistent, unbalanced, unstable, threatening, harassing, bi-polar—”are a common theme in her emails.”
Keep in mind that this is projection. She’s really all those things and then projects it onto you. This is a common gas-lighting technique used to manipulate your feelings and force you to defend yourself. In fact, you COULD react in a way that would portray you in exactly the way she describes. Luckily, you’re here getting advice instead. Knowing what you’re up against will help tremendously and keep you from falling into the trap of acting based on your immediate emotions. This is really what “they” are after.
Oh wow… this letter of “evidence” reminds me of the Bad Man so much. This is very common with these harrassers. They think if they put their “fear” in writing, then it makes it all so.
Bad Man totally spun his “friends” around his crazy ass lies about me. And btw, he co-workers/friends really weren’t his friends at all. This was part of his delusion as well. It would make me feel CRAZY when he would start his attacks with “My friends think…… about you!”
Defamation of character is a very difficult to stomach.
They also love to go to the authorities so that they can preempt anything you might say about them.. the truth of course.
You know before this thing with Bad Man, I used to be so perplexed about those People’s Court shows. I just couldn’t get my head around the idea that someone was standing there straight up lieing. I used to wonder “How can two people say the opposite things about what happened?” This is so far out of who I am that I just didn’t get it. Now I get it.
The advice that Liane gave the writer was EXCELLENT!
I don’t want this to be all about me, but the situation is fluid, so I thought I’d share.
On Wednesday the parent consultant issued a directive, among other things, for tonight’s exchange of the boys before she left for the airport. He was very explicit and in writing that it was to take place at the local Dave and Buster’s where my youngest was attending a birthday party (he also ordered that he attend this party) ½ way through the party. The P with regularity takes the boys to D&B’s on Sunday afternoons before exchanges because she really doesn’t know how to entertain them, other than feed them game credits, or have someone else deal with them (the outsource mom). So meeting there should be no big deal.
So, my wife and I are pulling into D&B’s 10 minutes before the exchange was to occur (20 minutes from home) and my son calls me. They are at my home. I told my son to have her leave them at home alone (they are 12 and 14) and be done. My wife and I raced home because we didn’t secure our office and bedroom. My thought is that the P doesn’t want to be face to face with me now that she has trumped up all the recent lies and didn’t have a supporter with her That’s OK, I wouldn’t confront her anyhow.
This is reminiscent of this past Labor Day. She flew in to be with the boys. It was a nice weekend, so on Labor Day my wife and I went to one of the few nice lakeside restaurant bars/restaurants with deck on the lake. Low and behold, there were my boys, the P’s boyfriends kids and the landscaper’s kids down by the water. We belly up to the outside bar while the P and her supporters (boyfriend, landscaper, her best slutty friend’s former rich boyfriend, and guy she dated who testified in our hearing) sat at a table eating and having drinks. When they left, they all came by to say hello to me and my wife, except the P and the guy who testified. Go figure
This is a game to the P. To try to keep me off balance, to defy the court order or parenting consultants directives. She is trying to piss me off and elicit a response. No more honey. Just wrote to the PC to advise what happened. I’ll let him deal with her. No response from me.
AKA Bob,
do your kids have keys to get into your house that they carry with them when they go to her house? NONNONNONNONO!
One day when I was 18 years old, (I can’t remember the reason why) the P told me that he had a key ring with all my keys duplicated stashed. He pulled it out and showed it to me.
He had made it months earlier while I was asleep. He told me he knew I would probably lose my keys one day and thank him for making extras. EWWWWW! I thought it was creepy, but couldn’t make sense of it.
Anyways, my point is that they ALL THINK ALIKE. They look at keys the way a 2-year old does. MUST HAVE KEEEEYSSSS.
When your kids are asleep she could take their house keys and have them duplicated just so she can get into your house.
Yes, it’s stupid, but she will do it. She may never use the keys but she could give it to some meth addict and tell him to go burglarize your home. You have to think ahead ALL THE TIME.
OMG Skylar, that is so true, the p had keys to everyones house. We fought about mine since he was always gone and he’d just keep coming up with new ones.
No keys. Wasn’t expecting them. at my home while we were gone, but still no keys Garage door code only, again left house unlocked expecting P to meet me elsewhere. We must think more strategically.
We have gotten into the routine of not allowing the P and my oldest to even enter my garage when we are not home to pick up clothing. I pull the battery from the garage door opener on weekends when the P is in town..
Bob:
Oh…..the little games they play….she’ll say….I thought it would be easier on Bob if I just brought the boys home and he wouldn’t have to leave…….
Uh, uh, I was doing a favor……
I secure my computer and office ANY time I leave the home…..NO KID can enter unless I am in here……
I know the S would be thrilled if he evr had access to the office!!!!
YIKES>…….
At one point I was out of town for the day and had an australian guy staying for a few weeks…..I had a fire in my office….I rushed back to town as the street was blocked off and 6 engines were here….police etc…..it was the ODDEST cause for the fire…..mostly smoke and thank god my friend was staying….it was just prior to my last divorce hearing…
But the LOW VOLTAGE telephone landline curly wire had overheated????? and ignited after smoldering all day……when my friend came into the house……him opening the door gave it oxygen and poof……
SO….the house is a fortress…my bedroom, the garage, even the hall door leading to my office is all locked.
It’s just a good habit to get into .
Keep your head high!!!!!
So what’s up with the keys? My ex also had keys to EVERYTHING. And, he locked everything. I used to joke, “He’d put a lock on my underwear drawer if he could figure a way to do it.”
When he moved out, he did so peaceably. Then I found out he was sneaking into the house. I could just tell someone had been there. When I questioned him, he swore he had not been in the house. When backed into the corner with facts, his excuse was that he had to pick something up.
Long story short, I changed the locks and bolted down enterences that were largely unused. I unplugged the electric garage opener.
Months later I found he had planted a loaded 367 magnum. He had partially installed a survaillence system, but didn’t have enough time to get it up and working, because I changed the locks.
Oh, he tried desperately to break into our house, while he had our son, and I was on an overnight field trip with our daughter. Fortunately, because he was such a freak about security windows, screens, alarm systems, etc. He had pretty much made the house safe, from even himself.
Anyway… Is there an expert reason for the issues with keys?
So what’s up with the keys? My ex also had keys to EVERYTHING. And, he locked everything. I used to joke, “He’d put a lock on my underwear drawer if he could figure a way to do it.”
When he moved out, he did so peaceably. Then I found out he was sneaking into the house. I could just tell someone had been there. When I questioned him, he swore he had not been in the house. When backed into the corner with facts, his excuse was that he had to pick something up.
Long story short, I changed the locks and bolted down enterences that were largely unused. I unplugged the electric garage opener.
Months later I found he had planted a loaded 367 magnum. He had partially installed a survaillence system, but didn’t have enough time to get it up and working, because I changed the locks.
Oh, he tried desperately to break into our house, while he had our son, and I was on an overnight field trip with our daughter. Fortunately, because he was such a freak about security windows, screens, alarm systems, etc. He had pretty much made the house safe, from even himself.
Anyway… Is there an expert reason for the issues with keys?