Editor’s note: On April 15, 2009, we posted “Bob’s” story—Leaning on his family while battling his wife. Well, the battle continues. Bob is asking the Lovefraud community for suggestions.
I recently received the email below from my P ex-wife and wanted to share it with your readers. I would like someone to analyze this to get some insight and commentary on this situation. It is so reminiscent of what I have read on Lovefraud.com and in books and comes really without surprise; it just surprises me of the lengths she will go to try to falsely trash me in an effort to obtain custody of our kids. The allegations are either fabricated or extremely exaggerated. She has a knack for manipulating people to write letters for her and support her. She has no fear of me and really no fear that I will endanger our kids; she knows I would never hurt them. This is all blowing smoke, but there is motive.
A quick background: Post-divorce with joint custody, she moved out of state to be with her lover and took me to court to move the kids with her. Her motion was denied and the kids still live with me in my state during the school year, but she moved regardless. Her child support to me was tripled by the court order, and that has angered her. She lies to my kids about the circumstances of her move and casts blame at me for us being so far apart geographically.
During the custodial evaluation, up to the hearing and after the order was handed down she has been on a vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostile towards her. Apparently this is the only way she could convince the courts to give her custody. She stopped paying me for children’s expenses after the court order was received, attempting to elicit angry emails from me. That was over a year ago and this continues to this day, even after I took her to court this year to force payment of children’s expenses. After that court order, she still refuses to pay me what is legitimately owed. She is very angry and vindictive, but she conceals it from others very well.
Note, I have been to her home on only three occasions to drop off or pick up my kids and she lives over 1,000 miles from me. She travels to my state with regularity to pick up and drop off the kids at my home without any fear of me. The characterizations of me”—hostile, angry, vindictive, inconsistent, unbalanced, unstable, threatening, harassing, bi-polar—”are a common theme in her emails.
Bob:
I have just returned from a meeting with local law enforcement. I met with them because I fear for my safety and the safety of our children. Your actions, writings and overall demeanor are unstable, inconsistent, vindictive, and threatening.
During this discussion, I shared the following:
1) Our guidance from the Court.
2) years of correspondence between Bob and me, highlighting particularly the exchanges that were most hostile, threatening and vindictive.
3) A tape of Bob’s wire tapping of my phone while I lived in (city removed).
4) Several documents that prove Bob’s attempts to hack into my bank accounts, my AT&T account, my email account and one credit card account.
5) Data I have collected through Bob’s emails of him stalking me, including one today where he has details of my flight information that I did not provide to him. There are several other emails that confirm this pattern of behavior.
6) A written statement from the Summer Camp employee that he interrogated in August, complete with her statement that he appeared unstable and made her uncomfortable. She also confirms that he explicitly told her that he had sole custody of the children and that I was not allowed to make the decision I had made when enrolling him in his summer activities.
7) Evidence suggesting Bob’s taping of the children’s and my conversations.
I agreed that I would follow up this information with an opinion from my therapist, since she has been privy to the daily deluge of drama and interactions and has formed some opinions, based upon what she has read.
The officer confirms that there are red flags in this situation that do not need to be ignored. His suggestion is that I state first my concerns in writing directly to you. I am once again asking you to stop this harassment and contemptible behavior immediately. If you continue, I will have no choice but to proceed with the process of highlighting these situations and writings to the proper authorities and to seek protection for myself and our children.
This is not a threat and these are not games. Your anger, vindictiveness, and nonacceptance of the rules we were given have resulted in harassing and predatory behaviors which are at a minimum, disturbing and at the extreme, dangerous.
Our community saw a triple murder within the last two months at the hand of their father, a white-collar banking manager. The background and circumstances of this heinous crime were eerily similar to our past two years. I will no longer take the chances of what your volatility, instability or hostility might lead to.
Angie
So what’s up with the keys? My ex also had keys to EVERYTHING. And, he locked everything. I used to joke, “He’d put a lock on my underwear drawer if he could figure a way to do it.”
When he moved out, he did so peaceably. Then I found out he was sneaking into the house. I could just tell someone had been there. When I questioned him, he swore he had not been in the house. When backed into the corner with facts, his excuse was that he had to pick something up.
Long story short, I changed the locks and bolted down enterences that were largely unused. I unplugged the electric garage opener.
Months later I found he had planted a loaded 367 magnum. He had partially installed a survaillence system, but didn’t have enough time to get it up and working, because I changed the locks.
Oh, he tried desperately to break into our house, while he had our son, and I was on an overnight field trip with our daughter. Fortunately, because he was such a freak about security windows, screens, alarm systems, etc. He had pretty much made the house safe, from even himself.
Anyway… Is there an expert reason for the issues with keys?
Sorry about the triple post. My puter froze and when it unfroze, it sent my message three times. : – \
Keys. Well think about it. A key is a way to by-pass a boundry. Sometimes a key is given willfully and sometimes not, but at any rate a key is a way in. If you look at the P’s you can bet they keep their own stuff locked tight. Privacy issues and all.
A key equals power to a P.
Oh…..so true kim..
There was an instance where a client invited the S to go on his yaght in the med….but he had to work and cook etc…maintain them…..
Well…..he never studied the sailing manual…..and sat like a king worshiping the sun all day…..went into the ports and bought candy bars that my boss found under his pillow hidden……..CANDY BARS!
He never paid a dime for food, the best wines, the best of everything, ended up NEVER WORKING…. and he couldn’t even come out after dinner and said hey….anyone want a snickers?
No, he would disappear and gorge on them in secret…..
My clients wife STILL talks about that!!!!!
How embarrasing……
BUT……he had no clue how selfish he was….they never have a clue…..
He tells this high falutant story on how he is just so well liked clients pay him to go sailing on their yaghts in the Med….
HE NEVER NOTICED THIS CLIENT NEVER CALLED HIM AGAIN and asked him to go home early……(he had planned on going back to their home in Paris to continue the ‘party’for another week plus) BUT….they booted him!!!!
Oh yes…..It’s the SOCIOPATH OVERIDE!!!!! What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine……
Good one Kim, “A key is a way to by-pass a boundry”
Keys are also a sign of authority. The mayor gives you a key to the city. The prison warden carries all the keys. Keys unlock a LOCKED door. Only authority has that power.
The p’s are authority-parasites. Plus keys are shiny! LOL.
Good point Skylar, keys are a way to by pass a boundary and they do represent authority.
One of my P-X-friends who stole from me, was told DO NOT EVER COME TO MY HOUSE/FARM UNLESS YOU CALL FIRST.
Then, she found a date she thought I would be gone to town with my son D, and I igot a CALL asking if I was home and if she could come here to get some of her stuff that was temporarily stored here. I said, “yes, I am home, you can come. Where are you?” She almost swallowed her tongue and said, “at the gate, but I wouldn’t have come in if you weren’t home.” She had called all right, but after driving 40+ miles????Nah, she was thinking I was gone, but she just called to double check before she drove in the gate (which because I was home was open)
After that, the boundary was CALL 24 HOURS IN ADVANCE before coming. I didn’t let her out of my sight that day, and pretended nothing was wrong, but you could tell she was TIGHT JAWED and knew she had been ‘caught”—-I haven’t seen her since. In fact, they abandoned all the things they had stored here months ago in our old shed which we will burn when the weather permits….I did find out though why we probably won’t ever hear from them again, they had borrowed money from Son D and they obviiously aren’t going to pay that back.
Also heard from a mutual friend that they are smearing us, but fortunately, he did not buy it, so they are running out of victims that they know and have about reached the bottom of the barrel on people to use. Actually though, they are currently sponging off of his mentally slow brother.
When we leave here everything is locked up tight, gates and buildings, and alarm system on.
Its funny that they will lie about anything if they believe they won’t get caught. Once I confronted my P on not disclosing income which she received during our divorce negotiations which I discovered. She turned white, said she had to go the bathroom and ran out of the room, came back a few minutes later with denials and excuses.
On the key issue, a few years back there some burglaries in my P’s neighborhood. She traditionally left her garage entry to the house unlocked, but during this period she began locking it and hiding a key in the garage for the boys. She even told me where the key was hidden (we were getting along then). One day when my boys were staying with me I took my son to P’s house to pick something of his up. I looked for the key and it was moved. I asked him if he knew where it was. He told me he did, but he couldn’t tell me where it was because Landscaper hid it and told him not to tell me where the key was. I have to wonder if P put him up to this. Can you understand why I despise landscaper??
I just had another epiphany and wasn’t sure which thread to post it in. So I guess here is good.
I realized that one of the driving forces behind the P’s behavior, the force that keeps them acting irrationally, is the need to maintain their facade at ALL COSTS. Even in the face of truth staring them in the face they will keep up their act and reiterate their lies. They are so afraid of their facade crumbling.
I realized that they will sacrifice EVERYTHING, they will go to the moon and back, to continue playing the role that they’ve sketched out for themselves.
This is why my xP continues to play the sad lonely heart and the concerned cat father. Even after I’ve told him that I know all about his lies and that I GET IT. I get what his soul is better than he does. He won’t back down. He must maintain that veneer because he sees it as the defence that allows him to continue his underground sabotage, slander and poison. So he continues to act as nice as can be. This is why he was so unnerved when I showed up without warning. He looked trashed and it doesn’t match with the veneer he wants to show me.
My P mother is the exact same way. Whenever I catch her at p-behavior, she gets extra nice and super-saintly.
I guess this is another way we can manipulate their behaviors. The first step, telling them you know how to spot a P, will make them redouble their efforts to not seem like a P. The next step is hidden video cameras.
Dear Skylar, “manipulating” them is very difficult, and someetimes can have FATAL consquences— and that is not hyperbole, but fact. I think Laci Peterson got preg against Scots wishes and that is why he killed her and her unborn child. You never know to WHAT LENGTHS they will go to protect their image or what they want, so the BEST WAY to “manipulate” them is NC.
I am NC with my egg donor, and oh, she WOULD pretend to be saintly and she does pretend to be saintly with everyone in the world except me, but I HAVE SEEN THE MASK DROP, and I have SEEN the ugly face of evil behind her mask. I’m not sure if she is a P or if she is simply a TOXIC enabler, but it doesn’t matter because the TOXIC covers a multitude of abuse of various kinds.
If lyou share children with them you may have to have limited contact with them, but it doesn’t have to be more than the MINIMUL required by law.
Bob, I can undersand fully why you do not like “landscaper” but he is either a DUPE of hers or he is just like her, but he is all caught up in the DRAMA she presents, and just as I said about my egg donor the only way to handle someone who is TOXIC is to NC them. Give them the POTTED PLANT TREATMENT which is treat them the same way you would treat a potted plant in a hotel lobby. Do not NOTICE OR SPEAK TO IT. If you think it spoke to you, of course you would not reply. LOL
Trying to “get one up on” or trying to “manipulate” them, is only a GUARENTEED LOSING PROPOSITION, even noticing them is a WIN for them.
Oxy,
what I meant is that if Bob needs her to meet certain court ordered requirements, one way to get her to comply is with the SUBTLE threat of exposure. Video cameras, punch clocks, 3rd party witnesses etc… anything that will record the behavior and she is aware of these records will make her compliant because she doesn’t want to lose her veneer. That is what I meant by manipulate. You know as long as we must deal with them, we need to understand their thought processes and use them to our advantages.
If Bob gets angry and demands her compliance, she will just respond with oppositional defiance, but SUBTLEY implantiing the idea that her behavior is being observed and recorded will make her think that it is HER idea to comply. She will believe that she is responding in her usual crafty ways to get what she wants.
An example was when I told my P to quit smoking and he wouldn’t. But when I told him that the cigarette butts he left at a phone booth were evidence that he had been there and that he was easy to track because of his cigarette butts, he quit. That was almost 20 years ago. I didn’t even know he was a P back then. This is what I mean by giving them a story that puts them in the role of being a sinister, sneaky P. They like it, so they will respond to it.