Editor’s note: On April 15, 2009, we posted “Bob’s” story—Leaning on his family while battling his wife. Well, the battle continues. Bob is asking the Lovefraud community for suggestions.
I recently received the email below from my P ex-wife and wanted to share it with your readers. I would like someone to analyze this to get some insight and commentary on this situation. It is so reminiscent of what I have read on Lovefraud.com and in books and comes really without surprise; it just surprises me of the lengths she will go to try to falsely trash me in an effort to obtain custody of our kids. The allegations are either fabricated or extremely exaggerated. She has a knack for manipulating people to write letters for her and support her. She has no fear of me and really no fear that I will endanger our kids; she knows I would never hurt them. This is all blowing smoke, but there is motive.
A quick background: Post-divorce with joint custody, she moved out of state to be with her lover and took me to court to move the kids with her. Her motion was denied and the kids still live with me in my state during the school year, but she moved regardless. Her child support to me was tripled by the court order, and that has angered her. She lies to my kids about the circumstances of her move and casts blame at me for us being so far apart geographically.
During the custodial evaluation, up to the hearing and after the order was handed down she has been on a vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostile towards her. Apparently this is the only way she could convince the courts to give her custody. She stopped paying me for children’s expenses after the court order was received, attempting to elicit angry emails from me. That was over a year ago and this continues to this day, even after I took her to court this year to force payment of children’s expenses. After that court order, she still refuses to pay me what is legitimately owed. She is very angry and vindictive, but she conceals it from others very well.
Note, I have been to her home on only three occasions to drop off or pick up my kids and she lives over 1,000 miles from me. She travels to my state with regularity to pick up and drop off the kids at my home without any fear of me. The characterizations of me”—hostile, angry, vindictive, inconsistent, unbalanced, unstable, threatening, harassing, bi-polar—”are a common theme in her emails.
Bob:
I have just returned from a meeting with local law enforcement. I met with them because I fear for my safety and the safety of our children. Your actions, writings and overall demeanor are unstable, inconsistent, vindictive, and threatening.
During this discussion, I shared the following:
1) Our guidance from the Court.
2) years of correspondence between Bob and me, highlighting particularly the exchanges that were most hostile, threatening and vindictive.
3) A tape of Bob’s wire tapping of my phone while I lived in (city removed).
4) Several documents that prove Bob’s attempts to hack into my bank accounts, my AT&T account, my email account and one credit card account.
5) Data I have collected through Bob’s emails of him stalking me, including one today where he has details of my flight information that I did not provide to him. There are several other emails that confirm this pattern of behavior.
6) A written statement from the Summer Camp employee that he interrogated in August, complete with her statement that he appeared unstable and made her uncomfortable. She also confirms that he explicitly told her that he had sole custody of the children and that I was not allowed to make the decision I had made when enrolling him in his summer activities.
7) Evidence suggesting Bob’s taping of the children’s and my conversations.
I agreed that I would follow up this information with an opinion from my therapist, since she has been privy to the daily deluge of drama and interactions and has formed some opinions, based upon what she has read.
The officer confirms that there are red flags in this situation that do not need to be ignored. His suggestion is that I state first my concerns in writing directly to you. I am once again asking you to stop this harassment and contemptible behavior immediately. If you continue, I will have no choice but to proceed with the process of highlighting these situations and writings to the proper authorities and to seek protection for myself and our children.
This is not a threat and these are not games. Your anger, vindictiveness, and nonacceptance of the rules we were given have resulted in harassing and predatory behaviors which are at a minimum, disturbing and at the extreme, dangerous.
Our community saw a triple murder within the last two months at the hand of their father, a white-collar banking manager. The background and circumstances of this heinous crime were eerily similar to our past two years. I will no longer take the chances of what your volatility, instability or hostility might lead to.
Angie
Dear Skylar,
I think this woman is way beyond “subtle” threats, and my experience is that “outing” them sometimes makes them more determined to punish you for knowing and saying what they are.
Bob has got a great advocate in the parental counselor, who is apparently wise to the manipulations of someone like Bob’s X and so hopefully she will hang herself with the rope she has been given. So Bob can deal with her via this counselor rather than directly. I am not sure what state Bob lives in but this counselor is the greatest idea since sliced bread, I think.
At least he doesn’t have to converse with her about these things directly but can go through this counselor who is “objective.”
Skylar..speaking of needing to keep up the facade was what my ex was all about. Drove him crazy trying to keep all his lies in order. But he would tell ME how he would decieve other people and keep up the illusion (Why I didn’t think he would do it to me is another story) But he would often tell me in the most cocky of ways, “they just don’t have a clue.” Like he was proud of it. And the last straw for me was holding his phone in his face reading him convos with another woman and he ACTUALLY tried to tell me there was NOTHING going on. She was just a friend. WOW! And I could literally see the wheels turning in his head, trying to figure out, “what can I tell her to make her believe me and not be mad.” It’s like you said, they will go to the moon and back trying to cover their ass. Then he tried to change the subject and acuse me of cheating. Not even when the truth was right there could he acknowledge that he was wrong. I knew that had to be the last time he would be allowed to manipulate me.
N/C has never been an issue for me..to be honest he did all the calling, all the initial first contact anytime we spoke. I rarely picked up the phone to call him, because he was so constant about making contact with me first. And whenever we had an argument you can guarantee that I didn’t touch my phone, BUT he’s just as stubborn. He can go for MONTHS and not speak to me. But I know how destructive his behavior when we don’t speak, and how much he hates himself. But he ALWAYS breaks first and is the one to call. Before, I would sit by my phone agonizing over whether he was going to call or not. BUt this time, I hope I made it very clear that I don’t want to him pick up the phone 2 months from now and try and make nice, cuz I won’t be interested. Let’s just hope it works! I just know it will KILL him that I’m not there to pick up the phone this time because I always used to. This time is different. The ball is in my court for the first time and not that I’m trying to manipulate him, I’m trying to make it clear that he no longer has any value in my life. PERIOD!
Based upon the game playing last night, I felt it important to document with the parenting consultant her defiance of his order. Someone above wrote to kill her with kindness.
Angie,
Thank you for dropping the boys off at our house last night. While that may have been convenient for you, in the future I just ask that you notify me in advance if you wish to change the exchange location or time that we have agreed upon or Dr. Smtih has directed so that we are not in different places at the same time. I would have liked to have been home when you dropped them off instead of a 20 minute drive away.
I hope you enjoyed your time with the boys.
Bob
Clearly she’ll know I am tattling to the consultant, I call it documenting. The boys’ therapists says that shaming her is of no use, she knows no shame, she is without conscience.
Dear Bob,
You are right, she has NO SHAME or conscience, I think while the e mail you sent to her did tell her you were “tattling” on her, it also gave her the SATISFACTION that she “got your goat” and that the parenting consultant won’t do a bunch if anything about it.
It IS better I think to be “kind” and appear rational (so tht if you have to use these e mails as evidence in a court) that you are ALWAYS seen to be so kind and caring. Even though I know you would probably rather b1atch-slap her up side the head! LOL
Bob:
It sounds like you have a very smart and supportive family. It might make sense to keep your situation off this site for the world to see and begin a proactive, covert approach.
Erin, My p daughters ex husband told me that recently she went with her new toy boy lover, {Hes 25, shes 45}to a barbecue. It soon became apparent to the toy boy that it was a private party, and that my daughter and lover boy were not invited or welcome. Lover boy was embarrassed, and left, but D ,even when she was TOLD but the host that the party was private, just took sausages out of her cooler bag. plonked them on the barbie, and said,”Its OK, Ive brought my own sausages!” LOL! How thick skinned is that! Lover boy has gone now, she only usd him too, he used to help pay the rent, and when she came in tired from work had cleaned and tidied the flat and got the tea on.Maybe she should ahve hung on to him!They have no consciense and no shame, and no idea how to behave. Love, Gem.XX
This is a tough one, Bob, and I’ve been through it myself. Due to lack of time I haven’t read all the above posts, but based on my experience here they contain some valuable insights.
One of the hardest questions I’ve ever asked myself: What is a reasonable man’s response to unreasonable actions and accusations?
There is no easy answer. Be steadfast in your love for your children. Be certain of what you know and believe. Take good care of yourself, for you won’t be able to deal with any of this if you are not fundamentally OK.
I wish I had time now to say more, but maybe it’s just as well that I leave it at this. Peace be with you and yours.
Jeff
Cow Bird is probably correct, maybe we need to shut this down so that the P won’t read this.
My brother calls my ex-P the Cow Bird. Has children and leaves them with other people to raise them.
Dear Bob,
It is your story, your life, your decision, but frankly I think that blogging here is very empowering and supportive. I am not sure who the “cowbird” blogger is, I have not seen them post before.
It is odd to me that someone would choose such a blogger term for a name since, as you point out, the cow bird is one that leaves its offspring for others to raise—is sort of a “psychopathic” bird if you can apply such a term to an animal’s instinctive and adaptive behavior. But, we each choose our on-line names and identies for our own purposes, so cowbird can freely choose to use any name without my permission. I will say that I disagree with cowbird’s advice 100%, but again, that is YOUR decision, not mine.
What is the likelyhood of the P reading your blogs and knowing that it is you here? I used to worry about that, but you know, at this point in time, I really don’t care…I would mail copies of my posts to my P son if I wanted to have contact with him.
The support and knowledge I have gained here is worth more than I can say!
God bless you, Bob, and your children! They are fortunate to have you and your wife in their lives.
AKA Bob,
The “kindness” letter you wrote above will thrill her to no end. She will LOVE the validation that she caused you to be somewhere else then where you wanted to be. Think about it.
You don’t have to send her a letter to document the circumstances. Doing so, will give her opportunity to write something that discredits you. Make your notes, and say nothing. Don’t even give her ANYTHING. A non-reactions is the most powerful influence that you have.