Editor’s note: On April 15, 2009, we posted “Bob’s” story—Leaning on his family while battling his wife. Well, the battle continues. Bob is asking the Lovefraud community for suggestions.
I recently received the email below from my P ex-wife and wanted to share it with your readers. I would like someone to analyze this to get some insight and commentary on this situation. It is so reminiscent of what I have read on Lovefraud.com and in books and comes really without surprise; it just surprises me of the lengths she will go to try to falsely trash me in an effort to obtain custody of our kids. The allegations are either fabricated or extremely exaggerated. She has a knack for manipulating people to write letters for her and support her. She has no fear of me and really no fear that I will endanger our kids; she knows I would never hurt them. This is all blowing smoke, but there is motive.
A quick background: Post-divorce with joint custody, she moved out of state to be with her lover and took me to court to move the kids with her. Her motion was denied and the kids still live with me in my state during the school year, but she moved regardless. Her child support to me was tripled by the court order, and that has angered her. She lies to my kids about the circumstances of her move and casts blame at me for us being so far apart geographically.
During the custodial evaluation, up to the hearing and after the order was handed down she has been on a vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostile towards her. Apparently this is the only way she could convince the courts to give her custody. She stopped paying me for children’s expenses after the court order was received, attempting to elicit angry emails from me. That was over a year ago and this continues to this day, even after I took her to court this year to force payment of children’s expenses. After that court order, she still refuses to pay me what is legitimately owed. She is very angry and vindictive, but she conceals it from others very well.
Note, I have been to her home on only three occasions to drop off or pick up my kids and she lives over 1,000 miles from me. She travels to my state with regularity to pick up and drop off the kids at my home without any fear of me. The characterizations of me”—hostile, angry, vindictive, inconsistent, unbalanced, unstable, threatening, harassing, bi-polar—”are a common theme in her emails.
Bob:
I have just returned from a meeting with local law enforcement. I met with them because I fear for my safety and the safety of our children. Your actions, writings and overall demeanor are unstable, inconsistent, vindictive, and threatening.
During this discussion, I shared the following:
1) Our guidance from the Court.
2) years of correspondence between Bob and me, highlighting particularly the exchanges that were most hostile, threatening and vindictive.
3) A tape of Bob’s wire tapping of my phone while I lived in (city removed).
4) Several documents that prove Bob’s attempts to hack into my bank accounts, my AT&T account, my email account and one credit card account.
5) Data I have collected through Bob’s emails of him stalking me, including one today where he has details of my flight information that I did not provide to him. There are several other emails that confirm this pattern of behavior.
6) A written statement from the Summer Camp employee that he interrogated in August, complete with her statement that he appeared unstable and made her uncomfortable. She also confirms that he explicitly told her that he had sole custody of the children and that I was not allowed to make the decision I had made when enrolling him in his summer activities.
7) Evidence suggesting Bob’s taping of the children’s and my conversations.
I agreed that I would follow up this information with an opinion from my therapist, since she has been privy to the daily deluge of drama and interactions and has formed some opinions, based upon what she has read.
The officer confirms that there are red flags in this situation that do not need to be ignored. His suggestion is that I state first my concerns in writing directly to you. I am once again asking you to stop this harassment and contemptible behavior immediately. If you continue, I will have no choice but to proceed with the process of highlighting these situations and writings to the proper authorities and to seek protection for myself and our children.
This is not a threat and these are not games. Your anger, vindictiveness, and nonacceptance of the rules we were given have resulted in harassing and predatory behaviors which are at a minimum, disturbing and at the extreme, dangerous.
Our community saw a triple murder within the last two months at the hand of their father, a white-collar banking manager. The background and circumstances of this heinous crime were eerily similar to our past two years. I will no longer take the chances of what your volatility, instability or hostility might lead to.
Angie
Runningaway,
Sound advice.
Bob, I’m not sure what conversation prompted your wife to e mail you that paragraph, but she obviously “gets” what you are up against. Her comment about having to step away from her nieces because she had no control shows she understands too, that you have no control over your X. I’m glad she does seem to “get” what you are going through.
Sometimes it is harder to see someone we love targeted than to be targeted ourselves.
Hello again, Bob. After glancing over some more of your story, I see myself in it again and I want to share just a thought or two about what has worked for me.
In doing so, I am making a few assumptions. I am assuming you are dealing with an actual sociopath of one kind or another (these are shape-shifters, and they don’t fit just one description). I am also assuming that most of what you’ve shared here is as true as your perspective allows it to be.
“runningaway” is right on the mark (although your ex will not necessarily follow the pattern of runningaway’s mother). Heed that advice! If you’re really dealing with a sociopath, many of the details you’ve reported are untrustworthy and cannot be regarded as facts. It will help you a lot, as it helped me, to interpret your experiences more like this: SHE SAID this or that, or SHE WANTS ME TO BELIEVE that so that I will respond as expected and go running in circles trying to oppose her. If she learns that you took the boyfiend’s e-mail to police, it will please her greatly. Be deliberate in all things. Do not react to her provocations or the provocations of her minions.
BE in control of yourself first, then be in control of the situation that exists in verifiable truths that you can confirm without any information or influence from her. She cannot be trusted at all, because she knows exactly where all your buttons are and when to push them.
These are affirmations I had to repeat to myself and commit to memory, and ultimately manifest in every way. It was hard, but it is worth doing and you will come out of this stronger and wiser. That is the only victory you will enjoy, unless you are very lucky. Don’t count on that luck. Surround yourself with friends who know your heart. Enlighten your children as best you can to the manipulative tricks that ANYONE may use to control them. They’ll eventually put 2 and 2 together to realize it’s their mother they cannot trust, when what you tell them becomes congruent with what they experience.
Demonstrate to your children that you respond to this outrageous drama with love for them, not hate for her. Otherwise they will see you as just another hateful person. That’s another way she can “win,” though she really gains nothing from that but a perverse satisfaction that comes from the illusion of control.
I know this sounds preachy. Sorry for that. All I can say in the final analysis is that it worked for me.
Wow Perigrine,
excellent advice, well worded and concise.
Especially the part about not responding with hate. it’s what they want. They are so filled with hate that they want all others to feel what they feel.
Don’t do it. Allow yourself to pity them, but don’t show that either. Pitying them helps you to forgive, but that’s just for you, don’t share it.
Most of all pity her boyfriends, I can’t imagine being emasculated to the point that they resort to bullying their gf’s ex-husband. it’s just sad what she did to those guys. Perhaps they were already P’s but she sure took control. We know who wears the pants in that relationshit.
Drama, Drama, Drama!!!! P’s attorney sent letter to my attorney and the parenting consultant today. It pretty much lays that groundwork that if the PC doesn’t reverse his decision on parenting time (not allowing kids to fly to see her, she can come here), that we will be in court…. Again!!! I am not using my attorney at this point. If she makes a motion to the court, I will counter with the PC and therapists supporting me to further limit her parenting time. She is digging a deep hole for herself. It will cost a lot of money, bye bye IRA!!!!!
CAmom,
I read your story earlier but didn’t have time to respond. It sounds like you have been through alot. It also sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do in your situation.
I hope that you have read some of the articles. Usually it is easy to find something in them that you can relate with.
I hope that you stick around as I believe you have alot to offer to others who are in a similar situation.
Runningaway,
My mother had serious issues, I know she was bi-polar, though I don’t believe she was sociopathic or pathological. Perhaps mildly Narcissistic. She, too, would pit one sister against the other. There were three of us. She’d favor one and then talk badly against the others. Or, she pair up with two, and prey upon the insecurities of the one, through teasing and taunting.
My sister’s and I became suspicious and untrusting, and defensive with one another. When my mom passed, you would think it would draw us closer, as we were the only family we had. Instead we pulled apart, and did not interact for years. And, when we did, it always ended a dramatic explosion of suspected betrayal, defensiveness, accusation and hurt.
Finally, my younger sister and I found our way back into each other’s live’s; both willing to press through the veil of our insecurities. We discovered our perceptions of one another had been tainted from the earliest years of our bonding when our mother pitted us against each other. Our older sister’s heart has been forever hardened.
My kids (4) have always been close. So close, in fact, they often gang up on me, to tease me about being “out of touch” with “their” world, or when they find it humorous to mimic my less then attractive characteristics for the entertainment at my expense. As much as I really don’t like it when they do this, I can step-back and see that there is a powerful and significant bond between them. And, if I have to be the target for them to practice the benefits of their bond, then so bit it.
They confide in each other, and sometimes I do feel a pinch of saddness that I’m excluded from their inner circle. I’m sure this was the reason for my mother’s distructive methods as she was trying to stay in the inner circle of mine and my sister’s. I, on the other hand, realize that the existance of their inner circle, their exclusive sub-culture within our family system is a good sign. And, the truth is, I know that I shouldn’t be included. I’d have to be one of their siblings to qualify for inclusion, and I’m not, nor will I ever be.
As my children begin spending alternate Saturdays with their S/N/P father, he’s already started his campaign to break through their bond. The one that poses the greatest threat of exposing him, he targets. He’s already planted seeds implying to the targeted one, that the other two have more fun when she’s not with them. He’s begun the alienation process. And, the effects are showing. They are fighting more. It is normal for kids, especially teens, to fight but my kids rearly ever faught, until recently. The have been best friends, that genuinely like each other.
I have become more vocal about aknowledging the bond that they share with one another. I stress the importance, the benefits, and it’s value for them that should be protected against anyone (including myself) that threatens to destroy thier relationship to one another.
I’ve seen their father destroy the relationships of a large extended family, causing divisions that will never be able to mend. His children are NOT sacred ground. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that his singlness of purpose, at this particular moment in time, is to divide them.
At dinner, I talked to them about Bad people, who have evil intentions. I told them the percentages of Bad people living in the world, and the likelihood that they may encounter people with selfish intentions. I explained that it is important to recognize the traits; in order to avoid getting tangled up with one of these types as they will surely wreck havoc on their lives. At different stages of my character trait explination of “Bad” people. Each one of them, randomly labled a characteristic, “just like Dad.”
My son said tonight, “Dad has some pretty mad (strong) charm skills. He can make it hard, sometimes, to remember all the crap he’s pulled. Then I see how he is with (targeted child), I tell myself, “No man… don’t fall for it. He’s up to something. He’s always up to something. And, it’s never good.”
He and his older sister (both teens) have been especially hateful toward one another the past six weeks. Tonight, afer my son shared his perception about his “charming” father. He knocked on his sister’s door, and she barked at him, “What do YOU want?” He stuck his head in slowly, where she could only see his puppy eyes, and said, “I haven’t told you this in a while — but, (then he flashed a smile) I just want you to know….I love you.”
We will keep talking. And, I will keep praying that their sibling bond is impenetrable.
Isabelle:
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!
Sleep well tonight………
Dear Isabell,
Sometimes (research has shown) that kids who grow up in a dysfunctional home tend to bond together just in order to survive. this is not always the case, either, as you and your sibs show.
My Uncle Monster’s kids are still at age 50+ VERY close to each other, but each has been so badly damaged emotionally that it ihas had a significant impact on their inner lives. They are all “successful” in life, but each carries a burden that I have no idea how heavy it is, I can just see some of the results.
I think your talking with your kids is an excellent way to teach them and let them come to their own conclusions about “dad” by giving examples about bad behavior and evil initentions, they can make their OWN connections and that is the BEST kind. Good for you!!!
Isabell, your situation is familiar:(
so I am going to have a waffle……..;)x
I think you are taking exactly the right kind of tack, but the pattern of targeting you in order to bond worries me.
Like Oxy said, talking openly with your children and allowing them to make their own connections is very important; maybe you could explore, in a non personal way, and a non emotional way, why they feel the need for this kind of unhealthy triad in order to bond.
Talking about it, as a behaviour, will make them more aware of when and why they are doing it and when they are being used in the same kind of pattern by someone else. Self knowledge =power:)
Apart from anything else its a bad ‘bully’ habit to get into, its not an acceptable way to behave or treat people or to build a bond… at someone else’s expense?
I agree, you are not their sibling or friend, or in their inner circle, you are their mother, but that doesn’t equate to being a target. This is a good thing for them to understand.
My parents (I use the term loosely) used my sister and I in the same way as you described your parents did and it caused a lot of damage(as you are no doubt aware of) we developed a similar way of dealing with relationships(not good, or satisfying, or worth much, to only be able to connect or bond like that) an extremely emotional and negative mistrust coupled with competitiveness and unrealistic expectations leading to lots of hurt. These things are going to take a lot of slow patient and ‘solid’ work to unravel.
Stressing the importance of their bond is so important, but understanding that the bond can exist without a ‘scape goat’ is going to be powerful for them… and stand them in good stead when dealing with the shenanigans of their father…
Peregrine:) I think your advice is rock solid and I particularly liked this: Quote:” Demonstrate to your children that you respond to this outrageous drama with love for them, not hate for her. ”
Running away- likewise:)Rock solid:)x
xxxxxxx
blueskies, wonderful comments and very insightful thoughts about scapegoating.
They are kids and right now that is a stage for them that is probably appropriate, but it’s never to early to teach them that there is going to be a new and improved way to relate to the world when they get older. This guides them towards something to look forward to. Hopefully, it will prevent narcississm.