Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader who posts as “Radar_On” sent the following letter.
How does one begin to tell the tale of the masquerade and the swath of destruction at the hands of liars, narcissists, sociopaths, and so on? The psychological, emotional, mental damage that has been inflicted upon us is too much for the “normal” person to comprehend. Unless someone has been through, and survived living through situations like this ”¦ average people just can’t understand, or relate!
I am a 52yr. old woman that has been through much in my life. This current situation is my 3rd. marriage. My first ex husband (my children’s father), we were married for 14 yrs. The last 18mo. we were married, he was charged and CONVICTED of aggravated rape.
She was a young girl of 22 at the time, they were “friends”. Unfortunately, not long before he raped her (about 1hr.) she had a “petit mal” epileptic seizure, and he “assisted her to her bedroom to lay down” ”¦ and that’s when he raped her. My divorce became final some months later.
My 2nd ex, we were married about 8 yrs, but that ended abruptly when he left for one of our employees (we owned a business together), and yes, I had no idea what was going on ”¦ and never saw it coming. I was shattered an devastated by that one as well, and had to start over at 42 ”¦ from the rubble of my life.
I proceeded to move on with my life, found a job and took care of myself and my youngest daughter that was still at home at the time. During those years, I remained single, (7 years) and rarely dated at all. It was safer to remain that way! In 2009, I started to attend a church, locally where I live. I thought no harm in that? I was dead wrong. That is where this “optical and psychological illusion” began!
The crosshairs
Little did I know in the few short weeks that I was attending, I was being “sized-up” and placed in the crosshairs of this monster. This predator in the pew had his eye on me from the beginning. Every time I was there, he was watching me. Sadly, he has the Pastor fooled as well, and with the aid of the Pastor, we were “fixed-up.”
For me, this is one of the most heinous aspects of my situation, that he used the “cloak” of Christianity, and God, in his agenda. To me, Church should be a safe harbor? I thought so, but was wrong. A few weeks later, there was a seminar at the church, for a class to take. There was a “sign-up” sheet in the hallway. I signed up to attend, and yes ”¦ he was there. This monster, or someone else, must’ve seen my name on the list to attend. That is where we first “met.” While there, I was getting coffee, and (I remember every detail so vividly) he came up to me and struck up a conversation. He “seemed” nice, friendly, harmless. I wasn’t attracted to him whatsoever. Several weeks went by, and he asked me out for a bite to eat. Harmless I thought, so I agreed.
Weeks went by, and we started to “date.” There was no physical attraction at all, but what did attract me, I was fooled by his fake “sincerity,” and thought he was a decent man…we “met in church”…right? WRONG! As the weeks went by, his “flattery” was a bit much, saying I was the best looking woman who came thru the doors of the church, and so on. I laughed, and said, “Oh, so you’ve never dated anyone here at church?” He said no. Oh, but little did I know, that the woman that he had a 4yr. affair with, was also a member of the church as well!
The incident
After attending this church for several months (we were still “dating”), on a Sunday June 2009 there was a luncheon after the services, and we went together. No harm, right? Innocent? Little did I know ”¦ As we stood in line, a woman came up to him and asked to have a word with him. (I didn’t pay much attention to it, thought it was innocent). They went OUTSIDE TO TALK. The spath (I’ll call him D.) came back after about 15mins, very upset and furious, but kept his “cool,” but I could tell he was pissed!
We got our food, but he wasn’t saying much. On our way back to take me back to my house, I asked him why he was so irate.? He said she (I’ll call her B.) was just some “crazy” woman chasing after him, and wouldn’t leave him alone. I asked him “key” questions, like have you ever dated her? Been out with anyone from the church, etc. He denied all of it.
This “incident” will come back and “boomerang” throughout this tale of deceit. The first of many lies he told me all started in a Church. Sad? Using the things that are most dear to us ”¦ against us? Just pure evil!
Little did I know the woman that approached him was B., the woman (I later found out) that he had a 4yr. affair with, behind his x-wife’s back while they were married, as well. On top of that, they were also co-workers working for a school system, and both were 20+ veteran employees, both were fired from the schools. (I found the online newspaper article about it) D. lost his job, family, retirement, everything in 2007. B. lost her job, and home as well.
Looking back now, the questions that I asked him about this “crazy woman”, he denied ever knowing her, and so on…I would have never known he was lying, swindling, and GASLIGHTING, he is that accomplished! But that is their “m.o.”, right?
The door to insanity cracks open
Fast fw to April 2010 when (sad to say) we got married. Oh God, he seemed so genuine, sincere and caring! (my mind and psyche are still trying to grasp all of it!) The door to hell cracked open about 6 weeks after we got married. I was looking through some of his “documents and paperwork” in a box for health insurance items, when I happened to see a few old cancelled checkbooks from 2007. Some of the dates were before and after his divorce from his 1st wife.
Being the curious creature I am, I looked at them. Weeks before D. got divorced from his 1st wife, he gave (over a 90day period) almost $5000 to a woman. (Several of the checks were filled out by her, to her). At that moment, I had no idea who this woman was! I proceeded to find the “church directory” and look for her name. Ohhhh, you got it! There “B” was in the church directory!!!
MY MIND EXPLODED!!! My heart started to pound in my chest, weak at the knees, and lucky for him, he was working nights at the time, or else it would’ve ended that night in a fatality.
A few days later I asked him, “who that lady at the church” was. What was her name? He gave me a strange look, and said ”¦ “ugh, why? I think her name was “B.”) I turned and said to him, “I know about “B.”!
At first he acted angry, OFFENDED, then denied, denied, denied! I showed him the checks, and then he blew up, gaslighting me. He threw B. under the bus saying the money was because she was blackmailing him, that she was going to tell his 1st wife they were having an affair! Again, all LIES! OMG, we had just gotten married, and I didn’t know what to believe, and AT THAT TIME, no way of getting any confirmation from anyone.
I should’ve booted him out, (yes, he moved into my house), but got the fake tears, fake apologies, all the “I’m so sorry’s” and so on. After this happened, my mind was blown, and spinning. (I’m sure you all know what I’m saying.) Rather than fight it, I ignored my gut, and for the time being, let it go. After this happened, I did kick him out of MY bedroom. We had only had sex twice (and very pathetic sex at that!) His line was, “I’m sooo sorry I lied. I NEVER CHEATED ON MY 1ST WIFE. Don’t I deserve a second chance?”
Two years later
In the last two years, he took his 1st wife back to court over an issue with their divorce. It lasted eighteen months. Foolishly, I went to the hearings with him, stuck up for him, defended him, and so on. All this time, I was still in the dark about the rest of “his” story. In Feb. of 2012, through a series of events, I got online to check his phone calls. He NEVER stopped talking to “B.”! Ohhhh, the insanity! While D’s second wife, (me) was busy sticking up for him in court, against his 1st wife (ex), he was busy talking on the phone behind my back, to “B.”, the woman he had a 4yr. affair with, when he was married to his 1st wife!!!
After months of digging, researching, watching his behavior, talking to other people, his grown kids, I know what D. did to their mother; I’ve been able to put it all together, finally. When I realized everything ”¦ from the beginning, to now? For days, thought I was having a nervous breakdown!!! No words can describe this feeling, however all of you here can relate! My mind is having an extremely difficult time processing all of it!
Cat and mouse games
In the last two yrs. I have developed, the “hyper-vigilance” that war veterans, etc. experience with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I’m in the CTS- Current Traumatic Stress Syndrome. For the last several months, I have been watching his every move, mentally cataloging his every word, and action, as well as on-line activity, every time I leave or he leaves, I check my watch for the time, constantly making “mental notes.” I carry a small box-cutter in my pocket, and keep screwdrivers, hammers, box-cutters, steak knives strategically hidden throughout my house…JUST IN CASE. I have to watch what and HOW I say something to him, for I have been exposed “up-close” to his Narcissistic Rage.
As “punishment” for inquiring about seeing the credit card bill in June of this year, he went up to the credit union and “amputated” me off the accounts. (He is the “primary, I was added on when we got married.) He left me hanging for 10 days, before he decided to add me back on. In his mind, he was punishing me, for defying him and calling him out.
Also in these last months, I have been busy documenting everything. Have been copying everything, have copied to burned Cd’s and everything saved to a flash drive. As he has been playing his game, and playing me the fool, I have been documenting EVERYTHING! Including his online activities, as well as him calling transsexual and “she-male” escorts. Making a copy of a “screen-capture” is a wonderful thing! The sick, twisted, perverted things he looks at is horrifying to me! I will say, if I EVER see any evidence of child-pornography on this computer, I WILL immediately un-plug it, and take it to our police station!
The most dangerous aspect of this is my “proof”. If he ever finds out, I have the concrete evidence, of the sick and twisted things he has done, and IS DOING, D.s son would totally not let him near his grandchildren, EVER AGAIN!!!
Unfortunately, for now…I have to play this game as a matter of survival. I lost my job last year and at my age (52), I’m having a hard time getting hired anywhere, especially now, in these economic times! Have to be very careful in word, deed, and appearance. D. does have a ccw license, has a 9mm (with the clip in the case) on his night-stand, and a 12ga. shotgun (with the bullets lined up in a row) in a gun cabinet in his bedroom.
Yes, a few situations came up in the last two years, and he has made reference to shooting someone. I know he has another phone, he keeps hidden, so he can’t be traced by me. I can go on and on about the situations, the LIES, the GASLIGHTING, the blow-ups, the LIES, the intimidating, and so on. My children are grown, have their on families, and lives, and I don’t want to get them involved. Unfortunately, he knows where my family members live ”¦
I did contact our county DV center here. Will check out what services that are offered. They do have support groups that meet every week. For right now, trying to keep up appearances, and keep my sanity, and try to get on my feet. The place I live in is mine (manufactured home) and it is paid for, I own it outright. When this situation is “set-off,” if he tries to lay claim to my house in any way, I will leave, but leave it in a heap of ashes.
This man has just about totally destroyed me, my mind, my trust, he has raped me of my emotions, he has raped my very soul. A consolation I have gotten from this is I knew/know I wasn’t crazy! It was not just my imagination!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY! Happened upon a quote a few weeks back, “The Human heart feels things, the eyes cannot see ”¦ and knows what the mind cannot understand.” I’m not crazy.
I’ve tried to tell this tale of the dark side, as best I can, from a spinning mind. Eloquent words, I used to have, escape me now, and I tried to keep the “story time line straight.
I found Lovefraud one day, when I just googled, the words love ”¦ fraud. I try to get on the site as often as I can. My screen name is Radar_On. Thank you, Donna. Appreciate your pain, and dedication to exposing these MONSTERS! as well as everyone else on Lovefraud. I wish everyone here the best! God Bless you all!
2nd_chance said: “Somehow he got my phone number and called me.” Was that a mere “coincidence”???? NOT in a church it is! As I was, you were in his cross-hairs, and he picked you out from among the Sheep! It would be interesting to know just HOW and WHO gave out your phone number!!! In my case, he (I believe), he had/has the pastor of the church in his pocket. Ohhh, Mr. Spath is an electrician and is “profitable” to the Church! Oh yes, talk about wolves in sheep’s clothing!
Dear Radar on, living in that insanity, I think, and keeping up your own mask so the psychopath doesn’t know what you are thinking or planning is so STRESSFUL….keep on reading here and learning. There is great information and great support here…but focus on getting out OUT as fast as you can! Or getting HIM out if it is your house. ((((hang on)))) God bless. I do believe in God and Jesus, just don’t trust everyone that says they do as being sincere and truthful, the hypocrites crucified Jesus so guess what they will do to us. I also had a minister of our small, intimate church turn his back on me and “side with” my high contributing egg donor (formerly called mother) and the ex convict pedophile x 3 convictions and throw me to the wolves.
The minister, Dickie Chance, (there’s an article here on LF I wrote about him) was later arrested for trying to recurit a young girl for sex over the internet….of course he was “sorry” I hear though that his poor wife looks like a new person since she left him. Before that she looked so beaten down and I alswyas suspected he was verbally abusive to her (at least) and I hope and pray she has a life left to live, she is 60+ so has spent a great deal of her life with that pedophile monster.
Radar_On, one of the most perfect trolling grounds outside of the interwebs for sociopaths is oranized religious groups. My belief that this is so is because most people who are devout in their doctrines are under the mistaken belief that every human being can be redeemed if they just believe the doctrines. These well-meaning and good-hearted people are so conned, even by religious leaders.
I lost my interest in organized religion when a fellow church member hung himself after it was discovered that he had not only served time for child molestation, but had actually been molesting members’ children – the diocese knew about this, and never warned anyone or took any action to prevent his involvement with children.
I am so sorry that you had the experiences that you did, Radar_On. It’s going to take some time and patience for your healing – as it does for all of us.
I do believe that there is something greater out there than I know of – Higher Power is the best thing I can come up with, or Great Creator. But, whatever entity or energy is involved, it is of perfection that we cannot comprehend. All of these things happen for “A Reason,” though I cannot always see this.
Remember this, Radar: you are valuable, priceless, and precious in this vast Universe. And, this is just a part of some learning process.
Brightest comforting blessings
Radaron, hello. I’m so sorry that you are being subjected to this. It really is a living hell!! I can only agree with what has already been said to you. Your safety is paramount. You are worth so much more than dealing with the evil machinations of a sociopath. People here understand how hard it is to leave….I myself stayed when I indeed shouldn’t have but as others have so rightly told you, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There really is.
Sending you best wishes and wishing you all the luck and good fortune you wish for yourself away from this evil.
Strongawoman, what “should” be hardly ever coincides with what “is.” And, in Radar’s situation, what “should” be a safe, secure, and comforting thing has been shown to be the complete opposite.
So, once we recognize the ugly truth of a situation, then what? We have two choices: get out; remain. Getting out, no matter what the circumstances, is a daunting task. We will lose much in the process, whether it’s divorcing a spouse, cutting off former friends/family, or leaving a place of employment that we were happy in…it’s all seemingly impossible to do. To remain means accepting, allowing, and tolerating abuse – period. Whether we remain for “security” or health care coverage, remaining in a horrible situation means accepting punishment that we do not deserve.
Yes, it’s scary as HELL to start over in a new place, a new job, and without enough to buy groceries! It sure is scary. It’s sad to leave people and places with which I was familiar. It is daunting to face the task of getting employment and paying necessary bills. You bet it is. But, I had a clear choice: remain where I knew people and enter into a homeless shelter; relocate and rebuild my life.
When the exspath realized that I had discovered what he was, he dangled “security” and my health issues in my face with mistaken belief that I would tolerate his actions out of fear of change. What I find most interesting about this mistaken belief is that he thoroughly underestimated my resolve. Yeah, if I hadn’t been educated by this site prior to my discovery, I may well have responded with, “Do whatever you want! JUST DON’T LEAVE ME!” Well, I might be afraid of change, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t stare it down and win.
There is no amount of money, no property perfect enough, no friends dear enough, and no job so important that I will risk my own health and well-being to keep it. If I can’t let something tangible go to better myself, how in the heck can I let emotional baggage go to better heal myself? I have to be willing to let go……..let it go……..and, let it ALL go.
Radar, make this your new mantra for as long as you need it: I am worthy of love, I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and I will survive, recover, and emerge.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak said: So, once we recognize the ugly truth of a situation, then what? We have two choices: get out; remain. Getting out, no matter what the circumstances, is a daunting task. We will lose much in the process, whether it’s divorcing a spouse, cutting off former friends/family, or leaving a place of employment that we were happy in”it’s all seemingly impossible to do. To remain means accepting, allowing, and tolerating abuse ”“ period. Whether we remain for “security” or health care coverage, remaining in a horrible situation means accepting punishment that we do not deserve. I am in total agreement with this statement. Unfortunately after recently in these last months putting everything together…has absolutely thrown me for a loop! Besides that, just need a little time to get my head together because I’m such a mess right now. “We” are living in my house right now, and yes, it’s all I have. Been here for a long time…yes, I know it is only material things! Ohhhh, I need to get my resolve and COURAGE back!!!!!! Thank you all for your best wishes… 🙂
Hello all,
Darned computer made me lose what I had just written!! Anyway, I will make it much shorter that what I just wrote and lost!
I survived my ex-husband/spath/narc, finally got out, after more than 2 decades of relationship and marriage. What finally got me moving, despite my almost clinical depression caused by the abuse, was that my 3 children (then 15, 13, and 11) each finally told me to “LEAVE HIM, and move on with my life”. It was difficult, as I had been raised to think marriage was forever, and you needed to deal with the choice you made. But I finally realized I had to protect myself and my children, no matter what my family said to try to keep me in the marriage.
I finally got the strength and resolve to pick up and go to shelter. This was in 1999, and it was a hellish time for me and the kids. I didn’t know I was dealing with such a sick person, and only years later did I realize I was raised with 2 individuals with these characteristics in my own family. What a lightbulb moment!
Anyway, PLEASE leave as soon as you possibly can! In 2006, Sept. 5th, to be exact, I lost my sweet, loving 21-yr. old son to suicide. We didn’t see it coming at all, but in retrospect, I strongly feel that he, too, had PTSD from the abuse. I had already been diagnosed, and was in the process of attending nursing school, trying to get my life back together and to be able to support my children (had been a stay-at-home mom–he didn’t want me to work) when we lost my son. Only after the suicide did I learn that children who witness DV are SIX TIMES as likely to take their own lives….I so wish I had left so much sooner than I did…
I since (2 years ago) have moved from that state with all the bad memories, to where one of my children lives and now I have a beautiful grandchild. Though I completed my RN degree and worked as a nurse for a time (until landing on a hospital unit that was toxic–the manager probably is a narc., at least!), I ended up quitting that job, moving out of state, and now have my own small business that is slowly growing.
I finally feel that I have the peace in my life that I deserved all along. I have distanced myself from the abusive relatives, and the PTSD, though it sometimes reappears at stressful times, is much better now than it was earlier. I love my children and grandchild, my work is fulfilling to me and serves others, I still support the women’s DV center in that previous state with small monthly donations, and I also am involved with suicide prevention and aftercare to survivors like myself.
I am so thankful to Lovefraud and Donna! I had no clue who I was married to, until the psychologist who I finally sought out to find out why I was so depressed, during the last part of the marriage, suggested he might be a spath. I googled the term, and WOW!!! What a revelation! I now pass the word about Lovefraud to women I come across who sound like they need to be educated. And I am so happy that Donna has been working to educate our young people about spaths and other personality-disordered beings. Back in the early 70’s, when I was dating and married (“young and dumb”) at the age of 21, I had no idea these beings existed!! So education is really the way to prevent others from the destruction, pain, and sometimes death, that these beings create.
My hope is that anyone dealing with such a disordered,destructive being GET OUT as soon as possible. NOTHING material is worth losing your life, or the life of an innocent child, due to the crazy-making abuse of these creatures.
I am forever changed, but also incredibly stronger, for having survived what I’ve been through. I rarely date, have been single since 2000, but though I sometimes am lonely, I’d rather be occasionally lonely than EVER have to be with someone like him again! If God wants me to have a special guy, I’m open to that, but now have removed the rose-colored glasses so I can look for those red flags!!
Peace to all of you, and I hope you all will be spath-free!
PS: Sadly, I am now losing my beloved labrador retriever to cancer. Just got the news a couple days ago, that she only has maybe 2 weeks left. Another loss 🙁
She was such a good companion to me and helped me through so much with all that I dealt with in the past decade. RIP,my sweet friend. “Til we meet again”
I can’t write out another answer like below but it is a recycled response to this post. This is the first time I saw this and saw the parallels and had to write you radar.
OX
Yes, thank you for sharing that…it’s still hard to think about Trevor’s last two hours – especially since I was not able to be there for him. No one was as his wife went to a different hospital. It will be 10 years next May and I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. And how slow. My son was the only person in my family who had feelings like me…while my ex is likely not a spath he had very few feelings. He cried harder when a race car celebrity died than when Trevor died.
I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain the aircrash caused you. And I’m glad you are in the room. I am so very insecure…sometimes I read my posts immediately after I post and I seem so choppy.
I’m just getting my bearings back after my boyfriend of five years was found to have been molesting my granddaughter…my precious sweet who was my son’s and I should have been more vigilant in protecting her.
I’m getting smashed down pretty big from her mother’s side of the family…blaming me. I don’t blame them. However, when I found the c.d.s I took them to the police immediately and moved that weekend while he was away. He is in jail now, for 18 months. Are sexual molesters of children spaths? It would just figure. What goes around comes around and around again it seems – at least in my life.
I begged her maternal side for forgiveness and they wouldn’t give it to me. *tears* can’t talk about this right now… I feel all of the pain of my childhood back in full force at times. PTSD overcomes me. But, I will be okay…I just need to keep calling my granddaughter and sending her cards…one day she will be allowed to visit me in my city again, I’m sure. Meanwhile I can go see her for a day or so…just no overnights. It’s hard because we live 3 to 4 hours away from each other.
We went to the Pacific National Exhibition together while I was in Vancouver about 2 weeks ago and had a blast.
He wasn’t even my boyfriend anymore, but I shared his house and had two bedrooms on the other side of the home thinking everything was great. I had a man nearby and no obligations. Oh how wrong I was. Blind as a bat. Which is weird because usually I’m the first to suspect such perverts being a survivor myself.
That’s why my trust level is zero now. I just have no sense of judgement – or humor – so when Jeremy was playing this cat and mouse game I just stopped it in its’ track.
Did Jeremy give you his phone number? You would think after my complaints to him he would smarten up somewhat. He described himself as very poor…always hinting at money issues.
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Thanks for sharing your story Radar..
ALMOSTLOST. I am so sorry about your pooch…I lost my dachshund Harley not long ago, he was 14…I still miss him but am thankful he was in my life for 14 years, he brought me so much love and joy..I gave him a good life and so did you with your pooch …hugs and moonbeams to you and your pooch…