Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader who posts as “Radar_On” sent the following letter.
How does one begin to tell the tale of the masquerade and the swath of destruction at the hands of liars, narcissists, sociopaths, and so on? The psychological, emotional, mental damage that has been inflicted upon us is too much for the “normal” person to comprehend. Unless someone has been through, and survived living through situations like this ”¦ average people just can’t understand, or relate!
I am a 52yr. old woman that has been through much in my life. This current situation is my 3rd. marriage. My first ex husband (my children’s father), we were married for 14 yrs. The last 18mo. we were married, he was charged and CONVICTED of aggravated rape.
She was a young girl of 22 at the time, they were “friends”. Unfortunately, not long before he raped her (about 1hr.) she had a “petit mal” epileptic seizure, and he “assisted her to her bedroom to lay down” ”¦ and that’s when he raped her. My divorce became final some months later.
My 2nd ex, we were married about 8 yrs, but that ended abruptly when he left for one of our employees (we owned a business together), and yes, I had no idea what was going on ”¦ and never saw it coming. I was shattered an devastated by that one as well, and had to start over at 42 ”¦ from the rubble of my life.
I proceeded to move on with my life, found a job and took care of myself and my youngest daughter that was still at home at the time. During those years, I remained single, (7 years) and rarely dated at all. It was safer to remain that way! In 2009, I started to attend a church, locally where I live. I thought no harm in that? I was dead wrong. That is where this “optical and psychological illusion” began!
The crosshairs
Little did I know in the few short weeks that I was attending, I was being “sized-up” and placed in the crosshairs of this monster. This predator in the pew had his eye on me from the beginning. Every time I was there, he was watching me. Sadly, he has the Pastor fooled as well, and with the aid of the Pastor, we were “fixed-up.”
For me, this is one of the most heinous aspects of my situation, that he used the “cloak” of Christianity, and God, in his agenda. To me, Church should be a safe harbor? I thought so, but was wrong. A few weeks later, there was a seminar at the church, for a class to take. There was a “sign-up” sheet in the hallway. I signed up to attend, and yes ”¦ he was there. This monster, or someone else, must’ve seen my name on the list to attend. That is where we first “met.” While there, I was getting coffee, and (I remember every detail so vividly) he came up to me and struck up a conversation. He “seemed” nice, friendly, harmless. I wasn’t attracted to him whatsoever. Several weeks went by, and he asked me out for a bite to eat. Harmless I thought, so I agreed.
Weeks went by, and we started to “date.” There was no physical attraction at all, but what did attract me, I was fooled by his fake “sincerity,” and thought he was a decent man…we “met in church”…right? WRONG! As the weeks went by, his “flattery” was a bit much, saying I was the best looking woman who came thru the doors of the church, and so on. I laughed, and said, “Oh, so you’ve never dated anyone here at church?” He said no. Oh, but little did I know, that the woman that he had a 4yr. affair with, was also a member of the church as well!
The incident
After attending this church for several months (we were still “dating”), on a Sunday June 2009 there was a luncheon after the services, and we went together. No harm, right? Innocent? Little did I know ”¦ As we stood in line, a woman came up to him and asked to have a word with him. (I didn’t pay much attention to it, thought it was innocent). They went OUTSIDE TO TALK. The spath (I’ll call him D.) came back after about 15mins, very upset and furious, but kept his “cool,” but I could tell he was pissed!
We got our food, but he wasn’t saying much. On our way back to take me back to my house, I asked him why he was so irate.? He said she (I’ll call her B.) was just some “crazy” woman chasing after him, and wouldn’t leave him alone. I asked him “key” questions, like have you ever dated her? Been out with anyone from the church, etc. He denied all of it.
This “incident” will come back and “boomerang” throughout this tale of deceit. The first of many lies he told me all started in a Church. Sad? Using the things that are most dear to us ”¦ against us? Just pure evil!
Little did I know the woman that approached him was B., the woman (I later found out) that he had a 4yr. affair with, behind his x-wife’s back while they were married, as well. On top of that, they were also co-workers working for a school system, and both were 20+ veteran employees, both were fired from the schools. (I found the online newspaper article about it) D. lost his job, family, retirement, everything in 2007. B. lost her job, and home as well.
Looking back now, the questions that I asked him about this “crazy woman”, he denied ever knowing her, and so on…I would have never known he was lying, swindling, and GASLIGHTING, he is that accomplished! But that is their “m.o.”, right?
The door to insanity cracks open
Fast fw to April 2010 when (sad to say) we got married. Oh God, he seemed so genuine, sincere and caring! (my mind and psyche are still trying to grasp all of it!) The door to hell cracked open about 6 weeks after we got married. I was looking through some of his “documents and paperwork” in a box for health insurance items, when I happened to see a few old cancelled checkbooks from 2007. Some of the dates were before and after his divorce from his 1st wife.
Being the curious creature I am, I looked at them. Weeks before D. got divorced from his 1st wife, he gave (over a 90day period) almost $5000 to a woman. (Several of the checks were filled out by her, to her). At that moment, I had no idea who this woman was! I proceeded to find the “church directory” and look for her name. Ohhhh, you got it! There “B” was in the church directory!!!
MY MIND EXPLODED!!! My heart started to pound in my chest, weak at the knees, and lucky for him, he was working nights at the time, or else it would’ve ended that night in a fatality.
A few days later I asked him, “who that lady at the church” was. What was her name? He gave me a strange look, and said ”¦ “ugh, why? I think her name was “B.”) I turned and said to him, “I know about “B.”!
At first he acted angry, OFFENDED, then denied, denied, denied! I showed him the checks, and then he blew up, gaslighting me. He threw B. under the bus saying the money was because she was blackmailing him, that she was going to tell his 1st wife they were having an affair! Again, all LIES! OMG, we had just gotten married, and I didn’t know what to believe, and AT THAT TIME, no way of getting any confirmation from anyone.
I should’ve booted him out, (yes, he moved into my house), but got the fake tears, fake apologies, all the “I’m so sorry’s” and so on. After this happened, my mind was blown, and spinning. (I’m sure you all know what I’m saying.) Rather than fight it, I ignored my gut, and for the time being, let it go. After this happened, I did kick him out of MY bedroom. We had only had sex twice (and very pathetic sex at that!) His line was, “I’m sooo sorry I lied. I NEVER CHEATED ON MY 1ST WIFE. Don’t I deserve a second chance?”
Two years later
In the last two years, he took his 1st wife back to court over an issue with their divorce. It lasted eighteen months. Foolishly, I went to the hearings with him, stuck up for him, defended him, and so on. All this time, I was still in the dark about the rest of “his” story. In Feb. of 2012, through a series of events, I got online to check his phone calls. He NEVER stopped talking to “B.”! Ohhhh, the insanity! While D’s second wife, (me) was busy sticking up for him in court, against his 1st wife (ex), he was busy talking on the phone behind my back, to “B.”, the woman he had a 4yr. affair with, when he was married to his 1st wife!!!
After months of digging, researching, watching his behavior, talking to other people, his grown kids, I know what D. did to their mother; I’ve been able to put it all together, finally. When I realized everything ”¦ from the beginning, to now? For days, thought I was having a nervous breakdown!!! No words can describe this feeling, however all of you here can relate! My mind is having an extremely difficult time processing all of it!
Cat and mouse games
In the last two yrs. I have developed, the “hyper-vigilance” that war veterans, etc. experience with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I’m in the CTS- Current Traumatic Stress Syndrome. For the last several months, I have been watching his every move, mentally cataloging his every word, and action, as well as on-line activity, every time I leave or he leaves, I check my watch for the time, constantly making “mental notes.” I carry a small box-cutter in my pocket, and keep screwdrivers, hammers, box-cutters, steak knives strategically hidden throughout my house…JUST IN CASE. I have to watch what and HOW I say something to him, for I have been exposed “up-close” to his Narcissistic Rage.
As “punishment” for inquiring about seeing the credit card bill in June of this year, he went up to the credit union and “amputated” me off the accounts. (He is the “primary, I was added on when we got married.) He left me hanging for 10 days, before he decided to add me back on. In his mind, he was punishing me, for defying him and calling him out.
Also in these last months, I have been busy documenting everything. Have been copying everything, have copied to burned Cd’s and everything saved to a flash drive. As he has been playing his game, and playing me the fool, I have been documenting EVERYTHING! Including his online activities, as well as him calling transsexual and “she-male” escorts. Making a copy of a “screen-capture” is a wonderful thing! The sick, twisted, perverted things he looks at is horrifying to me! I will say, if I EVER see any evidence of child-pornography on this computer, I WILL immediately un-plug it, and take it to our police station!
The most dangerous aspect of this is my “proof”. If he ever finds out, I have the concrete evidence, of the sick and twisted things he has done, and IS DOING, D.s son would totally not let him near his grandchildren, EVER AGAIN!!!
Unfortunately, for now…I have to play this game as a matter of survival. I lost my job last year and at my age (52), I’m having a hard time getting hired anywhere, especially now, in these economic times! Have to be very careful in word, deed, and appearance. D. does have a ccw license, has a 9mm (with the clip in the case) on his night-stand, and a 12ga. shotgun (with the bullets lined up in a row) in a gun cabinet in his bedroom.
Yes, a few situations came up in the last two years, and he has made reference to shooting someone. I know he has another phone, he keeps hidden, so he can’t be traced by me. I can go on and on about the situations, the LIES, the GASLIGHTING, the blow-ups, the LIES, the intimidating, and so on. My children are grown, have their on families, and lives, and I don’t want to get them involved. Unfortunately, he knows where my family members live ”¦
I did contact our county DV center here. Will check out what services that are offered. They do have support groups that meet every week. For right now, trying to keep up appearances, and keep my sanity, and try to get on my feet. The place I live in is mine (manufactured home) and it is paid for, I own it outright. When this situation is “set-off,” if he tries to lay claim to my house in any way, I will leave, but leave it in a heap of ashes.
This man has just about totally destroyed me, my mind, my trust, he has raped me of my emotions, he has raped my very soul. A consolation I have gotten from this is I knew/know I wasn’t crazy! It was not just my imagination!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY! Happened upon a quote a few weeks back, “The Human heart feels things, the eyes cannot see ”¦ and knows what the mind cannot understand.” I’m not crazy.
I’ve tried to tell this tale of the dark side, as best I can, from a spinning mind. Eloquent words, I used to have, escape me now, and I tried to keep the “story time line straight.
I found Lovefraud one day, when I just googled, the words love ”¦ fraud. I try to get on the site as often as I can. My screen name is Radar_On. Thank you, Donna. Appreciate your pain, and dedication to exposing these MONSTERS! as well as everyone else on Lovefraud. I wish everyone here the best! God Bless you all!
blue moon beams, to your sweet golden friend, almost lost.
I’m so sorry…
Dear Speaking,
I believe, YES pedophiles are ALL psychopaths, though there may be those that disagree with me….get and read “Predators” by Dr. Anna Salter….it will clear your conscience when you read her book. She is THE world expert on pedophiles. They are SOOOO slick. You could not have known. So quit beating yourself up, okay?
I know it is difficult for you when others blame you and try to keep you from being with your granddaughter, but that is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, so you just have to work with what you have control over and let the rest go.
I AM so glad that I was there with morgan because he was conscious, alert and knew I was there and we got to say our good byes. I imagine your son was most likely unconscious.
Just FYI though, the night after his funeral I went to bed, and my house was full and my best friend was sleeping on my husband’s side of our bed, and I got in, turned my back to her sleeping form, then felt her touch me on the shoulder like he would do every night if he were in bed before I got there, Just a “pat” and I whirled over and she was soundly asleep with her back still turned to me. It was as if HE TOUCHED ME to say it was okay.
So I don’t think you are crazy to have felt him sit on your bed. Whether this is a visit from beyond the grave or not, in any case it is comforting to us I think.
It has been 8 years since Morgan died, and it took me quite some time to come to full acceptance of that loss, but now I can remember the good times and even cry a sentimental tear now and then but not a painful one. After he was first dead, I was SO lonely and needy I allowed a psychopath to hook up with me and thought I had found an emotional savior….when in fact, he was hutning a new “respectable wife” to CHEAT ON. Now I am okay by myself, no longer needing that reassurance from someone else. I am independent emotionally and other wise.
My adopted son does live with me (he was also in the crash and burned fairly severely) but we have been there for each other and though we both have PTSD, it is improved as time goes on and we are more back to like we were before the crash. I know it will always be DIFFERENT, and I will not be “the same” But I am learning and growing and actually I think I am more healthy emotionally than I was 8 years ago.
I am also able to “let go” and have acceptance about my son Patrick. He is a monster, and he is a danger to me and my other sons..both for financial gain, and for revenge against us…but we will survive that to. I won’t live in terror,, but Ii am CAUTIOUS about him.
As for my delusion that my egg donor and I had this great relationship, I realize now that it was ONLY A DELUSION, we never had a good, much less a great, relationship, it was abusive from the day I was born. I am now able to step away from this FANTASY MOTHER that I had, that was just like the “imaginary friend” I had when I was five and had no other kids close by to play with. I imagined me up a friend…so because I had no loving mother, I “imagined me up” a mother that loved me, but I see she was and is no more real than my friend when I was a lonely kid living in the country without play mates near by.
Life after all is a series of people coming and going in our lives, and of our learning to live good, productive, peaceful and healthy lives. No matter how much you love someone or they love you there is no guarentee that they are there for you or you for them “forever”—in even the most loving relationships, one person usually dies first and the other person must go on.
You ahd a good relationship with your son, and that can never be taken away from you. Treasure those memories. I even treasure the memories of Patrick when he was my “baby boy” and my pre-teen, he was wonderful and I treasure those times I was his mother and he was my son. Now he is a stranger. My son is just as “dead” as yours is, just as “gone.” I even ahd a memorial service for him as I laid him to rest in my heart.
Keep on healing, growing and becoming the person you want yourself to be, and being there for your granddaughter. What happened is in the past, it can’t be changed, but the future can be, so concentrate on what you CAN control.
There are others here on LF who are grandmothers who are not allowed to see their GKs at all, and others who are raising their GKs because the parents are too sorry to do so. So just take control of what you can control, and the rest will work itself out. (((Hugs))) and God bless.
Radar_On, I understand your situation, absolutely. Sometimes, opportunity doesn’t present itself and people are obliged to flee without a plan. In my situation, I had to make decisions that were all uncomfortable – every danged last one was not what I “wanted.”
If you have to make a plan, Radar, do it. I don’t know what State you live in, but nearly all of US States provide for “no-fault” divorce. This is an imperative to understand and accept: no-fault is about “equitable distribution,” only, and marital misconduct may factor in to the settlement if joint funds were used to finance illicit affairs, etc. If you were passed a STD by your spouse, he will be held liable (without much argument) and be forced to make compensation, legally, that cannot be bankrupted in any legal action. The same goes forth with alimony/spousal support, etc.
The reason that I’m noting all of this is so that you have true information to work with. Making a plan, speaking to your local domestic violence hotline, and speaking to a divorce specialist before you take any action or make any decisions would be a very wise group of choices to take. If I had engaged in some type of counseling before I jumped my emotional rails and physically attacked the exspath, things may have turned out quite differently for me. Bus, so be it.
The one thing that is the hardest truth to accept in situations of spath marriages is that things will never, ever, ever “get better.” A sociopath cannot be healed by medication, therapy, surgery, spiritual epiphany, or any combination, thereof. They are, quite simply, walking evil that creage carnage with deliberate intention. They cannot be reasoned with. They will never be reasonable. They will do anything and everything within their power to destroy their targets, on every level, and this means every level.
http://www.ndvh.org can put you in touch with resources from counseling therapy to legal representation. Check the site out, take a deep breath, and that resolve will begin to ooze in.
Brightest protective blessings
OxD, I agree 200% that anyone who delberately harms a child is probably a sociopath. Adult targets have the opportunity to make choices. Children, on the other hand, have no voice.
AlmostLost, I am so very sorry to read of your losses. I cannot, in my wildest nightmares, imagine what a parent experiences when they lose a child through suicide. Losing a child must be horrific enough, but when someone makes that terrible choice, I just can’t imagine the aftermath.
What I am reading, Almost, is a resolved and courageous survivor. There are so many of you on LoveFraud that invoke courage and inspiration and I cannot express my gratitude for your strength, adequately. Your personal healing and recovery is an absolute inspiration, and I thank you from way down deep.
Your wonderful friend doesn’t know that it has cancer, which is something that I wish we humans could appreciate – our pets live their lives in the moment and they love us regardless of our personal issues.
Brightest blessings and deepest gratitude to you all
Hens, Kim Frederick, and Truthspeak, thank you so much for your kinds words. I hope that I can offer some inspiration to others who are going through what I (and all of us here) have or are currently going through. There was a time that his abuse caused me to have suicidal thoughts, but what stopped me from going further down that dark tunnel, was my children. I knew I could not leave them TO HIM!! That’s when I started praying to God for help; He was there for me and there were some things that happened that showed me His hand was definitely involved.
To those of you still in this nightmare, please get out, and be VERY careful. While I and the kids were in shelter, having left with one of the old cars I got to drive (while he was driving the NEW one paid for by some money I had inherited), he apparently tampered with the other car. When I got back, and he was out of the house with the TRO, I was using the other old car, driving my kids around, and it suddenly broke down …. found out from the mechanic that one of the axles was broken, and the other was ALMOST broken….have been told by several men more familiar with auto mechanics than me, that this kind of thing is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to have happened “on its own”. I suspect he “fixed” it while I was in the shelter, hoping I would crash and he would be free of me! Anyway, be VERY cautious!
And thank you very much for your kind words about my sweet lab…she has had a couple of good days now, and my youngest will be here from out of state in 2 days for a visit, so I am hoping my kids and I will all get a chance to spend some quality time with her before she has to leave. One thought that is also comforting is that she will be met by my son up in Heaven!
And by the way, after my son passed, we did have many instances of things happening to show that his spirit was around us. It was very comforting! It showed me that no matter what, LOVE doesn’t end, even when our physical bodies are gone.
Thank you all, and may you all find peace and strength to survive the madness and come to a place of bright, new beginnings!
Sincerely,
Almostlost
Dear Radar, my story was similar to yours except encapsulated in three short months before I got out. I had never been subjected to those types of lies and gaslighting, lies about other women, etc. It was all a new experience for me, and I thank my lucky stars I got out when I did. After the first 3 weeks of love bombing, the rest of the brief affair was a trip straight to hell, waiting for calls that never came, no shows, and bizarre behavior – mostly lies and unkept promises. Like you, I wanted to believe until the evidence hit me in the face. You just can never imagine a person can lie so convincingly!
I had dated a variety of different types of men before I met the spath, so I’m not especially a spath magnet. However, I still had to take responsibility for what it was inside of me that was so susceptible to the love bombing and what made me look the other way for the 3 months of lies and stories that didn’t add up. In the same way, eventually, when you muddle through the murky divorce, you will need to look at what it is in you that has made you so susceptible to these types of relationships. The ONLY silver lining in a story like this is that you have the power to take responsibility for your life, to realize that you made certain decisions, to understand why you made those decisions, and to make better decisions next time. You can also forgive yourself for those decisions. I am also 52 and single but hopeful that I will meet a truly wonderful man. Therefore, I can say with complete certainty that there is still a life ahead of you waiting to be lived. If you can focus on what you want in your life, it may help to minimize all the drama you will need to go through in breaking free of your spath husband. He came into your life to show you that you still have unresolved issues. So now you can resolve them once and for all.
I wish you the very best, and I’m so sorry for your suffering, remembering 4 years ago when I was suffering over a similar monster.
Almost Lost, your story about your son broke my heart. I know I cannot imagine what it must be like to live through this. I never had children but have gotten very attached to a few cats over the years. My last one who was born on my bed just died in February at the age of 19 (almost 19). I still am devastated by the loss. So I send my condolences for all of your losses.
Stargazer, AlmostLost, Truthspeak, strongawoman, bluejay, 2nd_chance, Eralyn, Ox Drover, thank you all for your advice and input. Greatly appreciate your time in sharing your insight! Stargazer, you said: “The ONLY silver lining in a story like this is that you have the power to take responsibility for your life, to realize that you made certain decisions, to understand why you made those decisions, and to make better decisions next time. You can also forgive yourself for those decisions.” This is the level that I’m working on, at the moment. Introspection, as to why I fell for this! It has always, (it seems) been that I tend to give people the “benefit of the doubt”, and have always tried to see the “good” in people. Have to be aware of the chinks in the armor, lest this happens again???? AlmostLost, so very sorry for your loss. I have 4 children myself, and just cannot imagine… Best wishes to all!
Stargazer, thank you for the condolences. I appreciate them very much! Having a beloved pet for as long as you did, I can see that you would be as devastated as I was. Our pets are our “family” as much as our human family members! Please accept my condolences to you with the loss of your 19 year old cat. 🙂 I’m sure you were a good “mama” to your kitty!
Radar_On, thank you, too, for your sentiments. I have gone through that introspection phase that you are dealing with now…wondering how I ended up with someone like HIM!! But as I learned more about personality disorders and had my eyes opened quite widely (!) by all that I learned, I noticed those same types of behaviors in a couple of my family members, and as I looked at these individuals with a newly educated perspective, things I didn’t understand before, suddenly made sense! I have been like you, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and too many chances sometimes—-only to be disappointed or hurt. I now pay close attention to the red flags. As Ox Drover has said, as far as lying, “once and done”! If I catch someone in a lie, I back off. The ex lied all the time, and for many years, I didn’t know he was so immoral. Now I protect myself, first! My circle of friends is smaller than it used to be, but those friends are true, kind, and honest!
Best wishes to you all in your journey toward healing and peace!
Radar, I’m like you as far as seeing the best in people. In fact, my friends compare me a lot to Polyanna. But I was fortunate in that I was astute enough to figure out after only a few months that something wasn’t adding up. I got out early before the type of devastation happened that you have been through. And STILL, even after only a few months, it took me a full year to recover. During that time, I went through a phase where not only did I not trust people, but I stopped seeing the good in them, only the bad. I wondered if I’d ever bounce back. And gradually I did, but a little wiser now. I still look for the good in people, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing – at least with normal people. When you see the best in people (normal people), they usually tend to live up to what you see in them. At least that has been my experience. The spath did not take my good nature away from me or my ability to look on the positive side of things. I will not give him that. The difference is that now I know what love bombing is, and now I know that when someone’s stories are not adding up, I should suspect a spath. I was naive before.
Almost Lost, thank you for your kind words. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing my cat and the other one who died in 2010 – the Siamese. They will always be my babies. You are right. They were family and, at times, my reason for living.