Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader who posts as “Radar_On” sent the following letter.
How does one begin to tell the tale of the masquerade and the swath of destruction at the hands of liars, narcissists, sociopaths, and so on? The psychological, emotional, mental damage that has been inflicted upon us is too much for the “normal” person to comprehend. Unless someone has been through, and survived living through situations like this ”¦ average people just can’t understand, or relate!
I am a 52yr. old woman that has been through much in my life. This current situation is my 3rd. marriage. My first ex husband (my children’s father), we were married for 14 yrs. The last 18mo. we were married, he was charged and CONVICTED of aggravated rape.
She was a young girl of 22 at the time, they were “friends”. Unfortunately, not long before he raped her (about 1hr.) she had a “petit mal” epileptic seizure, and he “assisted her to her bedroom to lay down” ”¦ and that’s when he raped her. My divorce became final some months later.
My 2nd ex, we were married about 8 yrs, but that ended abruptly when he left for one of our employees (we owned a business together), and yes, I had no idea what was going on ”¦ and never saw it coming. I was shattered an devastated by that one as well, and had to start over at 42 ”¦ from the rubble of my life.
I proceeded to move on with my life, found a job and took care of myself and my youngest daughter that was still at home at the time. During those years, I remained single, (7 years) and rarely dated at all. It was safer to remain that way! In 2009, I started to attend a church, locally where I live. I thought no harm in that? I was dead wrong. That is where this “optical and psychological illusion” began!
The crosshairs
Little did I know in the few short weeks that I was attending, I was being “sized-up” and placed in the crosshairs of this monster. This predator in the pew had his eye on me from the beginning. Every time I was there, he was watching me. Sadly, he has the Pastor fooled as well, and with the aid of the Pastor, we were “fixed-up.”
For me, this is one of the most heinous aspects of my situation, that he used the “cloak” of Christianity, and God, in his agenda. To me, Church should be a safe harbor? I thought so, but was wrong. A few weeks later, there was a seminar at the church, for a class to take. There was a “sign-up” sheet in the hallway. I signed up to attend, and yes ”¦ he was there. This monster, or someone else, must’ve seen my name on the list to attend. That is where we first “met.” While there, I was getting coffee, and (I remember every detail so vividly) he came up to me and struck up a conversation. He “seemed” nice, friendly, harmless. I wasn’t attracted to him whatsoever. Several weeks went by, and he asked me out for a bite to eat. Harmless I thought, so I agreed.
Weeks went by, and we started to “date.” There was no physical attraction at all, but what did attract me, I was fooled by his fake “sincerity,” and thought he was a decent man…we “met in church”…right? WRONG! As the weeks went by, his “flattery” was a bit much, saying I was the best looking woman who came thru the doors of the church, and so on. I laughed, and said, “Oh, so you’ve never dated anyone here at church?” He said no. Oh, but little did I know, that the woman that he had a 4yr. affair with, was also a member of the church as well!
The incident
After attending this church for several months (we were still “dating”), on a Sunday June 2009 there was a luncheon after the services, and we went together. No harm, right? Innocent? Little did I know ”¦ As we stood in line, a woman came up to him and asked to have a word with him. (I didn’t pay much attention to it, thought it was innocent). They went OUTSIDE TO TALK. The spath (I’ll call him D.) came back after about 15mins, very upset and furious, but kept his “cool,” but I could tell he was pissed!
We got our food, but he wasn’t saying much. On our way back to take me back to my house, I asked him why he was so irate.? He said she (I’ll call her B.) was just some “crazy” woman chasing after him, and wouldn’t leave him alone. I asked him “key” questions, like have you ever dated her? Been out with anyone from the church, etc. He denied all of it.
This “incident” will come back and “boomerang” throughout this tale of deceit. The first of many lies he told me all started in a Church. Sad? Using the things that are most dear to us ”¦ against us? Just pure evil!
Little did I know the woman that approached him was B., the woman (I later found out) that he had a 4yr. affair with, behind his x-wife’s back while they were married, as well. On top of that, they were also co-workers working for a school system, and both were 20+ veteran employees, both were fired from the schools. (I found the online newspaper article about it) D. lost his job, family, retirement, everything in 2007. B. lost her job, and home as well.
Looking back now, the questions that I asked him about this “crazy woman”, he denied ever knowing her, and so on…I would have never known he was lying, swindling, and GASLIGHTING, he is that accomplished! But that is their “m.o.”, right?
The door to insanity cracks open
Fast fw to April 2010 when (sad to say) we got married. Oh God, he seemed so genuine, sincere and caring! (my mind and psyche are still trying to grasp all of it!) The door to hell cracked open about 6 weeks after we got married. I was looking through some of his “documents and paperwork” in a box for health insurance items, when I happened to see a few old cancelled checkbooks from 2007. Some of the dates were before and after his divorce from his 1st wife.
Being the curious creature I am, I looked at them. Weeks before D. got divorced from his 1st wife, he gave (over a 90day period) almost $5000 to a woman. (Several of the checks were filled out by her, to her). At that moment, I had no idea who this woman was! I proceeded to find the “church directory” and look for her name. Ohhhh, you got it! There “B” was in the church directory!!!
MY MIND EXPLODED!!! My heart started to pound in my chest, weak at the knees, and lucky for him, he was working nights at the time, or else it would’ve ended that night in a fatality.
A few days later I asked him, “who that lady at the church” was. What was her name? He gave me a strange look, and said ”¦ “ugh, why? I think her name was “B.”) I turned and said to him, “I know about “B.”!
At first he acted angry, OFFENDED, then denied, denied, denied! I showed him the checks, and then he blew up, gaslighting me. He threw B. under the bus saying the money was because she was blackmailing him, that she was going to tell his 1st wife they were having an affair! Again, all LIES! OMG, we had just gotten married, and I didn’t know what to believe, and AT THAT TIME, no way of getting any confirmation from anyone.
I should’ve booted him out, (yes, he moved into my house), but got the fake tears, fake apologies, all the “I’m so sorry’s” and so on. After this happened, my mind was blown, and spinning. (I’m sure you all know what I’m saying.) Rather than fight it, I ignored my gut, and for the time being, let it go. After this happened, I did kick him out of MY bedroom. We had only had sex twice (and very pathetic sex at that!) His line was, “I’m sooo sorry I lied. I NEVER CHEATED ON MY 1ST WIFE. Don’t I deserve a second chance?”
Two years later
In the last two years, he took his 1st wife back to court over an issue with their divorce. It lasted eighteen months. Foolishly, I went to the hearings with him, stuck up for him, defended him, and so on. All this time, I was still in the dark about the rest of “his” story. In Feb. of 2012, through a series of events, I got online to check his phone calls. He NEVER stopped talking to “B.”! Ohhhh, the insanity! While D’s second wife, (me) was busy sticking up for him in court, against his 1st wife (ex), he was busy talking on the phone behind my back, to “B.”, the woman he had a 4yr. affair with, when he was married to his 1st wife!!!
After months of digging, researching, watching his behavior, talking to other people, his grown kids, I know what D. did to their mother; I’ve been able to put it all together, finally. When I realized everything ”¦ from the beginning, to now? For days, thought I was having a nervous breakdown!!! No words can describe this feeling, however all of you here can relate! My mind is having an extremely difficult time processing all of it!
Cat and mouse games
In the last two yrs. I have developed, the “hyper-vigilance” that war veterans, etc. experience with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I’m in the CTS- Current Traumatic Stress Syndrome. For the last several months, I have been watching his every move, mentally cataloging his every word, and action, as well as on-line activity, every time I leave or he leaves, I check my watch for the time, constantly making “mental notes.” I carry a small box-cutter in my pocket, and keep screwdrivers, hammers, box-cutters, steak knives strategically hidden throughout my house…JUST IN CASE. I have to watch what and HOW I say something to him, for I have been exposed “up-close” to his Narcissistic Rage.
As “punishment” for inquiring about seeing the credit card bill in June of this year, he went up to the credit union and “amputated” me off the accounts. (He is the “primary, I was added on when we got married.) He left me hanging for 10 days, before he decided to add me back on. In his mind, he was punishing me, for defying him and calling him out.
Also in these last months, I have been busy documenting everything. Have been copying everything, have copied to burned Cd’s and everything saved to a flash drive. As he has been playing his game, and playing me the fool, I have been documenting EVERYTHING! Including his online activities, as well as him calling transsexual and “she-male” escorts. Making a copy of a “screen-capture” is a wonderful thing! The sick, twisted, perverted things he looks at is horrifying to me! I will say, if I EVER see any evidence of child-pornography on this computer, I WILL immediately un-plug it, and take it to our police station!
The most dangerous aspect of this is my “proof”. If he ever finds out, I have the concrete evidence, of the sick and twisted things he has done, and IS DOING, D.s son would totally not let him near his grandchildren, EVER AGAIN!!!
Unfortunately, for now…I have to play this game as a matter of survival. I lost my job last year and at my age (52), I’m having a hard time getting hired anywhere, especially now, in these economic times! Have to be very careful in word, deed, and appearance. D. does have a ccw license, has a 9mm (with the clip in the case) on his night-stand, and a 12ga. shotgun (with the bullets lined up in a row) in a gun cabinet in his bedroom.
Yes, a few situations came up in the last two years, and he has made reference to shooting someone. I know he has another phone, he keeps hidden, so he can’t be traced by me. I can go on and on about the situations, the LIES, the GASLIGHTING, the blow-ups, the LIES, the intimidating, and so on. My children are grown, have their on families, and lives, and I don’t want to get them involved. Unfortunately, he knows where my family members live ”¦
I did contact our county DV center here. Will check out what services that are offered. They do have support groups that meet every week. For right now, trying to keep up appearances, and keep my sanity, and try to get on my feet. The place I live in is mine (manufactured home) and it is paid for, I own it outright. When this situation is “set-off,” if he tries to lay claim to my house in any way, I will leave, but leave it in a heap of ashes.
This man has just about totally destroyed me, my mind, my trust, he has raped me of my emotions, he has raped my very soul. A consolation I have gotten from this is I knew/know I wasn’t crazy! It was not just my imagination!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY! Happened upon a quote a few weeks back, “The Human heart feels things, the eyes cannot see ”¦ and knows what the mind cannot understand.” I’m not crazy.
I’ve tried to tell this tale of the dark side, as best I can, from a spinning mind. Eloquent words, I used to have, escape me now, and I tried to keep the “story time line straight.
I found Lovefraud one day, when I just googled, the words love ”¦ fraud. I try to get on the site as often as I can. My screen name is Radar_On. Thank you, Donna. Appreciate your pain, and dedication to exposing these MONSTERS! as well as everyone else on Lovefraud. I wish everyone here the best! God Bless you all!
I have to say that I used to be one of those people who tried to find the good in everyone. Everyone deserved a second chance, and the benefit of the doubt.
Today, I’m not that person. I don’t typically allow for the “benefit of the doubt” to even whisper into my ear, anymore, especially after the experiences with the colleague’s girlfriend. Nope. If someone is behaving badly, I don’t care what their “excuse” might be. If someone had a difficult childhood, or a hard job, or this, or that….everyone has had personal experiences that they could point to and say, “See that? That’s why I got snippy with you, the other day. I had a Bad Childhood, so I can’t help it.”
Today, I hold people accountable (including myself) for their actions and choices, and if they refuse to stand accountable and correct themselves, I have no use for them. Plain and simple.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak, I like what you said ” …and if they refuse to stand accountable and correct themselves, I have no use for them. Plain and simple.”
This is what I’ve been becoming better able to do. I have studied a lot about forgiveness, too. And I found a great website for adults (aimed at females, but also applies to men) that is a Christian webite. Luke 17:3 ministries. com. Great information there, from a Christian perspective. And Luke 17:3 points out that if a person who has wronged you admits it, repents, and asks for forgiveness (and of course is SINCERE), we are expected to forgive. BUT, if the other person refuses to repent or change, it is okay to walk away…God doesn’t expect us to do more than He himself will do…
God also doesn’t expect us to accept abuse!! So it is okay to walk away from someone who continues to abuse us without any sign of remorse or conscience. This has helped me so much with the narc/spaths? in my own family. Because I no longer accept their abuse and lies, I am called the “one who’s broken the family.” I stand up for myself and tell the truth; too bad if they don’t want to be called on their own garbage!!
Stargazer, your last kitties would want you to be happy…is it time to find another kitty?? I’m already thinking about a new puppy. I will wait a bit, but my lab has been my buddy for all of her life, and since I live alone, she has helped me tremendously. So once she passes and joins my son and other lab up in Heaven, I will begin thinking about a replacement pup. Our pets give us so much unconditional love. They don’t lie to us and hurt us with spath behavior (thank God!!).
Remember that grief is the price for loving someone, whether that someone is human or an animal pet. So even though we know that a pet most likely will pass before us, since they have a shorter lifespan…I think sharing that love is worth the grief we will someday face when our pet friend has to go.
Take care of yourself!
Radar-On
I met spath online Christian dating service christian mingle. Everything he had said in his profile was so convincing and seemed like he was a mature christian. In actuality he was looking for a wife to be a front for him so he could have some kind of appearance of respectability. However he knew with marriage came a sharing of debt turns out he owed IRS 25K owed State as well, his parents bought his house to keep him from losing it to the IRS lien, he wanted my house…etc… etc… he was so heavily into sexual hookups and extreme ponography…he would speak elonquently about holiness and purity and how was such a holy and good christian man… Everyhting, Everything the complete opposite… He also carried guns and knives as gas cans in case he ever got into a situation he said…. these are the areas have to watch out for the most…
The sad part is… his parents know he is not normal and know about the ponography he has been into for years and yet they keep telling him what a wonderful man he is… and continue to pay for his sexual promiscuity and bills due to lack of work. What’s worse is he has a gun collection and practices constantly at the local gun club…. which makes him dangerous…he was booted off of the website Christian Mingle… but fought his way back and they have him on there again… trying to lure more innocent christian females. When I broke up with him he began a smear campaign against my reputation that is shocking.. and yet continued to say what a good christian man he was… and his parents would say my son is a good christian man how can you do this to him? I had no idea people like this existed… Donna thank you for your website I have learned so much…to everyone on here… thank you.. your stories have helped me understand and to believe there is life after a sociopath. After reading the article “how to get revenge for a sociopath is no contact but to purpose to live the very best life that you can is the best revenge ever… This is now my motto. My prayer is that God would heal us all and help us to have the best life possible.
Dear Skysong,
Jesus points out that there will be wolves in sheep’s clothing come into the church after He is gone, so why are you surprised that this man presented himself as a good Christian? What better way to get next to someone than to pretend to be aChristian.
Jesus aid “By their fruits ye shall know them.”
We must constantly be on alert that these fake Christians are not allowed to get close to us, so even with our brothers and sisters we must WATCH WHAT THEY DO, (their fruits) not just listen to what they SAY.
So glad you have found your way here…and hope you will stick around. There are literally almost a thousand good articles here to learn from written by people who experienced the trauma the betrayal….read and learn. Knowledge is power. The power to heal ourselves.
Skysong, Appreciate your input. Just wow……again. I don’t feel so bad anymore, since I came to LF. I had no idea these kinds of evil people were out there…especially in Churches!!!! God’s justice will prevail, ultimately…..however people that use God, church, Christianity, and so on for their dirty deeds; which include pastors, deacons, etc…..their “just recompense of reward” will be all the more stiff!!! Best wishes to you…:)
Skysong,
I also appreciate your input. It is the straw that broke my camels back.
For years, I’ve know many people who collect guns and also carry concealed. The logic they use makes sense: if nobody carried guns, only criminals would carry guns.
When I was 15, I dated a 29 year old pedophile who carried concealed and collected guns. 3 years later I ran into him and he said he had changed. He got rid of his guns and no longer collected guns. He said that when he got rid of them, he no longer thought about danger. It was the guns themselves that made him paranoid. As long as he carried guns he had to justify his choice. That justification was that he NEEDED to protect himself.
I’ve come to understand that Paranoia is a basic component of psychopathy. All spaths are paranoid, they can’t trust anyone.
This is not an easy decision, but one thing I do know is that the spath is not after your life, so much as he is after your soul. By being afraid, you give him your soul. It’s a fine line. Can you carry a gun and not be paranoid? Then do it. If it affects how you think, then forget about it.
In the end it is more about us than it is about them. Keep learning and studying. The answers are out there. One of my favorites is Rene Girard.
Skysong, I am going to type something that I sincerely hope you read with the understanding that I’m not trying to malign your beliefs, or anyone else’s. God doesn’t heal us from our spath experiences. We heal ourselves. What he/she/it DOES do is to provide opportunity for lessons to be learned. We are given a choice: learn, or not. Each of us has already been given what we need to heal – we just need to use what we’ve been given and take those steps on our own through counseling, support groups, posting on LoveFraud, or whatever it takes to place our feet on our own healing paths.
My experience with organized religions has, for the most part, been utterly disappointing and that is simply because mortal human beings have given themselves the false belief that they can interpret God’s Rules for their own purposes of control. Personal beliefs are very, very powerful and exactly what a spath wants to destroy.
What’s the first thing that an invading nation does to the vanquished? It takes away their system of beliefs. Then, it takes away their culture and language. That’s what spaths do when they acquire source targets: they dismantle the human being’s strengths and beliefs and recreates a system of fear-based beliefs and exploited vulnerabilities.
It IS about us, ultimately. What the exspath did (and, continues to do) is repellant, vile, illegal, and deliberate. But, so what? Those are his choices, not mine. Will God exact retribution or accountability? How am I supposed to predict something that I can’t even comprehend?
There is a very good reason that mortal and flawed human beings are not equipped to exact revenge at their whims. If I had the ability, I would “out” the exspath for what he’s done and see that he never has the opportunity to victimize another human being. But, I don’t have that power. The only power that I have is over my own choices and actions. That’s it, and that’s all.
So, whenever I hear someone talking about what God expects, demands, will do, and how vengeful he/she/it will be, I can see through the smoke and mirrors and simply walk away.
Brightest healing blessings
To clarify on spaths and Christianity: spaths and religion go together like tea and honey. Why? When a person’s beliefs are defined, structured, and dictated by another human being, that person’s control has been handed over to “an elder” or “a deacon” or “a layperson” who has the potential to dismantle and destroy.
Power is intoxicating for anyone, even “normal” empaths. For spaths, it is the most coveted position imaginable – power over the thoughts, choices, and actions of others. Spath uses beliefs as if they were baited lures – if you want to get into Heaven, you’d better trust my direct line to God, and HE says that you have to engage in sex with me, pay me a percentage of your income, and turn on the other members that aren’t going along with HIS program.
Personally, I refuse to go along with anyone’s program.
Radar-On,
I feel as if I’ve been reading part of my life with my ex-spath.
When he molested my daughter, I had the police kick him out. They accompanied him to our home where he was allowed to fetch his clothes and car and leave all house keys and remotes behind.
That same night, he claims he wanted to commit suicide for most evil thing he had done, but “thankfully’ our minister spoke to him and low and behold, he gave his life to God. I believed every word, yet it was an act of saving his own arse from Jail. He went to a Psychologist daily, whom he fooled all the way. He became an active member in the church and all our congregation thought he was this most wonderful caring father and husband. Oh yes, he was these nice things but only as long as he remained in control of me and my daughter. I took him back after a separation of 8mths, dropped all charges against him and re-took our wedding vows. All of it- every single bit of it – was a lie. They are evil, cruel humans that don’t deserve to breathe in fresh, free air. they belong in jail, yet most of them manipulate us to such an extent that we lose all credibility.
I hope that you will stay strong, and don’t let him catch you or break you down enough, or even sweeten you enough to get you to confess what you are doing.