Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader who posts as “Radar_On” sent the following letter.
How does one begin to tell the tale of the masquerade and the swath of destruction at the hands of liars, narcissists, sociopaths, and so on? The psychological, emotional, mental damage that has been inflicted upon us is too much for the “normal” person to comprehend. Unless someone has been through, and survived living through situations like this ”¦ average people just can’t understand, or relate!
I am a 52yr. old woman that has been through much in my life. This current situation is my 3rd. marriage. My first ex husband (my children’s father), we were married for 14 yrs. The last 18mo. we were married, he was charged and CONVICTED of aggravated rape.
She was a young girl of 22 at the time, they were “friends”. Unfortunately, not long before he raped her (about 1hr.) she had a “petit mal” epileptic seizure, and he “assisted her to her bedroom to lay down” ”¦ and that’s when he raped her. My divorce became final some months later.
My 2nd ex, we were married about 8 yrs, but that ended abruptly when he left for one of our employees (we owned a business together), and yes, I had no idea what was going on ”¦ and never saw it coming. I was shattered an devastated by that one as well, and had to start over at 42 ”¦ from the rubble of my life.
I proceeded to move on with my life, found a job and took care of myself and my youngest daughter that was still at home at the time. During those years, I remained single, (7 years) and rarely dated at all. It was safer to remain that way! In 2009, I started to attend a church, locally where I live. I thought no harm in that? I was dead wrong. That is where this “optical and psychological illusion” began!
The crosshairs
Little did I know in the few short weeks that I was attending, I was being “sized-up” and placed in the crosshairs of this monster. This predator in the pew had his eye on me from the beginning. Every time I was there, he was watching me. Sadly, he has the Pastor fooled as well, and with the aid of the Pastor, we were “fixed-up.”
For me, this is one of the most heinous aspects of my situation, that he used the “cloak” of Christianity, and God, in his agenda. To me, Church should be a safe harbor? I thought so, but was wrong. A few weeks later, there was a seminar at the church, for a class to take. There was a “sign-up” sheet in the hallway. I signed up to attend, and yes ”¦ he was there. This monster, or someone else, must’ve seen my name on the list to attend. That is where we first “met.” While there, I was getting coffee, and (I remember every detail so vividly) he came up to me and struck up a conversation. He “seemed” nice, friendly, harmless. I wasn’t attracted to him whatsoever. Several weeks went by, and he asked me out for a bite to eat. Harmless I thought, so I agreed.
Weeks went by, and we started to “date.” There was no physical attraction at all, but what did attract me, I was fooled by his fake “sincerity,” and thought he was a decent man…we “met in church”…right? WRONG! As the weeks went by, his “flattery” was a bit much, saying I was the best looking woman who came thru the doors of the church, and so on. I laughed, and said, “Oh, so you’ve never dated anyone here at church?” He said no. Oh, but little did I know, that the woman that he had a 4yr. affair with, was also a member of the church as well!
The incident
After attending this church for several months (we were still “dating”), on a Sunday June 2009 there was a luncheon after the services, and we went together. No harm, right? Innocent? Little did I know ”¦ As we stood in line, a woman came up to him and asked to have a word with him. (I didn’t pay much attention to it, thought it was innocent). They went OUTSIDE TO TALK. The spath (I’ll call him D.) came back after about 15mins, very upset and furious, but kept his “cool,” but I could tell he was pissed!
We got our food, but he wasn’t saying much. On our way back to take me back to my house, I asked him why he was so irate.? He said she (I’ll call her B.) was just some “crazy” woman chasing after him, and wouldn’t leave him alone. I asked him “key” questions, like have you ever dated her? Been out with anyone from the church, etc. He denied all of it.
This “incident” will come back and “boomerang” throughout this tale of deceit. The first of many lies he told me all started in a Church. Sad? Using the things that are most dear to us ”¦ against us? Just pure evil!
Little did I know the woman that approached him was B., the woman (I later found out) that he had a 4yr. affair with, behind his x-wife’s back while they were married, as well. On top of that, they were also co-workers working for a school system, and both were 20+ veteran employees, both were fired from the schools. (I found the online newspaper article about it) D. lost his job, family, retirement, everything in 2007. B. lost her job, and home as well.
Looking back now, the questions that I asked him about this “crazy woman”, he denied ever knowing her, and so on…I would have never known he was lying, swindling, and GASLIGHTING, he is that accomplished! But that is their “m.o.”, right?
The door to insanity cracks open
Fast fw to April 2010 when (sad to say) we got married. Oh God, he seemed so genuine, sincere and caring! (my mind and psyche are still trying to grasp all of it!) The door to hell cracked open about 6 weeks after we got married. I was looking through some of his “documents and paperwork” in a box for health insurance items, when I happened to see a few old cancelled checkbooks from 2007. Some of the dates were before and after his divorce from his 1st wife.
Being the curious creature I am, I looked at them. Weeks before D. got divorced from his 1st wife, he gave (over a 90day period) almost $5000 to a woman. (Several of the checks were filled out by her, to her). At that moment, I had no idea who this woman was! I proceeded to find the “church directory” and look for her name. Ohhhh, you got it! There “B” was in the church directory!!!
MY MIND EXPLODED!!! My heart started to pound in my chest, weak at the knees, and lucky for him, he was working nights at the time, or else it would’ve ended that night in a fatality.
A few days later I asked him, “who that lady at the church” was. What was her name? He gave me a strange look, and said ”¦ “ugh, why? I think her name was “B.”) I turned and said to him, “I know about “B.”!
At first he acted angry, OFFENDED, then denied, denied, denied! I showed him the checks, and then he blew up, gaslighting me. He threw B. under the bus saying the money was because she was blackmailing him, that she was going to tell his 1st wife they were having an affair! Again, all LIES! OMG, we had just gotten married, and I didn’t know what to believe, and AT THAT TIME, no way of getting any confirmation from anyone.
I should’ve booted him out, (yes, he moved into my house), but got the fake tears, fake apologies, all the “I’m so sorry’s” and so on. After this happened, my mind was blown, and spinning. (I’m sure you all know what I’m saying.) Rather than fight it, I ignored my gut, and for the time being, let it go. After this happened, I did kick him out of MY bedroom. We had only had sex twice (and very pathetic sex at that!) His line was, “I’m sooo sorry I lied. I NEVER CHEATED ON MY 1ST WIFE. Don’t I deserve a second chance?”
Two years later
In the last two years, he took his 1st wife back to court over an issue with their divorce. It lasted eighteen months. Foolishly, I went to the hearings with him, stuck up for him, defended him, and so on. All this time, I was still in the dark about the rest of “his” story. In Feb. of 2012, through a series of events, I got online to check his phone calls. He NEVER stopped talking to “B.”! Ohhhh, the insanity! While D’s second wife, (me) was busy sticking up for him in court, against his 1st wife (ex), he was busy talking on the phone behind my back, to “B.”, the woman he had a 4yr. affair with, when he was married to his 1st wife!!!
After months of digging, researching, watching his behavior, talking to other people, his grown kids, I know what D. did to their mother; I’ve been able to put it all together, finally. When I realized everything ”¦ from the beginning, to now? For days, thought I was having a nervous breakdown!!! No words can describe this feeling, however all of you here can relate! My mind is having an extremely difficult time processing all of it!
Cat and mouse games
In the last two yrs. I have developed, the “hyper-vigilance” that war veterans, etc. experience with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I’m in the CTS- Current Traumatic Stress Syndrome. For the last several months, I have been watching his every move, mentally cataloging his every word, and action, as well as on-line activity, every time I leave or he leaves, I check my watch for the time, constantly making “mental notes.” I carry a small box-cutter in my pocket, and keep screwdrivers, hammers, box-cutters, steak knives strategically hidden throughout my house…JUST IN CASE. I have to watch what and HOW I say something to him, for I have been exposed “up-close” to his Narcissistic Rage.
As “punishment” for inquiring about seeing the credit card bill in June of this year, he went up to the credit union and “amputated” me off the accounts. (He is the “primary, I was added on when we got married.) He left me hanging for 10 days, before he decided to add me back on. In his mind, he was punishing me, for defying him and calling him out.
Also in these last months, I have been busy documenting everything. Have been copying everything, have copied to burned Cd’s and everything saved to a flash drive. As he has been playing his game, and playing me the fool, I have been documenting EVERYTHING! Including his online activities, as well as him calling transsexual and “she-male” escorts. Making a copy of a “screen-capture” is a wonderful thing! The sick, twisted, perverted things he looks at is horrifying to me! I will say, if I EVER see any evidence of child-pornography on this computer, I WILL immediately un-plug it, and take it to our police station!
The most dangerous aspect of this is my “proof”. If he ever finds out, I have the concrete evidence, of the sick and twisted things he has done, and IS DOING, D.s son would totally not let him near his grandchildren, EVER AGAIN!!!
Unfortunately, for now…I have to play this game as a matter of survival. I lost my job last year and at my age (52), I’m having a hard time getting hired anywhere, especially now, in these economic times! Have to be very careful in word, deed, and appearance. D. does have a ccw license, has a 9mm (with the clip in the case) on his night-stand, and a 12ga. shotgun (with the bullets lined up in a row) in a gun cabinet in his bedroom.
Yes, a few situations came up in the last two years, and he has made reference to shooting someone. I know he has another phone, he keeps hidden, so he can’t be traced by me. I can go on and on about the situations, the LIES, the GASLIGHTING, the blow-ups, the LIES, the intimidating, and so on. My children are grown, have their on families, and lives, and I don’t want to get them involved. Unfortunately, he knows where my family members live ”¦
I did contact our county DV center here. Will check out what services that are offered. They do have support groups that meet every week. For right now, trying to keep up appearances, and keep my sanity, and try to get on my feet. The place I live in is mine (manufactured home) and it is paid for, I own it outright. When this situation is “set-off,” if he tries to lay claim to my house in any way, I will leave, but leave it in a heap of ashes.
This man has just about totally destroyed me, my mind, my trust, he has raped me of my emotions, he has raped my very soul. A consolation I have gotten from this is I knew/know I wasn’t crazy! It was not just my imagination!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY! Happened upon a quote a few weeks back, “The Human heart feels things, the eyes cannot see ”¦ and knows what the mind cannot understand.” I’m not crazy.
I’ve tried to tell this tale of the dark side, as best I can, from a spinning mind. Eloquent words, I used to have, escape me now, and I tried to keep the “story time line straight.
I found Lovefraud one day, when I just googled, the words love ”¦ fraud. I try to get on the site as often as I can. My screen name is Radar_On. Thank you, Donna. Appreciate your pain, and dedication to exposing these MONSTERS! as well as everyone else on Lovefraud. I wish everyone here the best! God Bless you all!
Shane, no Girard is not a P. He is a professor emeritus at Stanford and a prolific writer.
He didn’t analyze P’s at all. His writing is about human nature.
I suspect that he knows he is talking about P’s but he doesn’t use that word because then… well… you know…What happens to us when we say “spath”? People think we’re crazy. Instead, he talks about mythology, christianity and anthropology and coincidentally, “I” noticed that he is describing P’s. hmm…what could that mean?
Could it mean that religion is all about describing evil? and Jesus came to tell us about spaths? and anthropology is the key to figuring out why spaths exist?
That’s what I think.
Try to look on the bright side: you are wiser than you could possibly be without that experience.
There is no way that a human being could understand evil or psycopathy without the experience of it. Just reading about it is not enough. The knowledge and wisdom comes from the emotional impact. amazing, isn’t it?
My ex earned his degree in Theological History from Oral Roberts University.
Skylar, I think that is so true, regarding having the experience first hand vs. only reading about it. I never knew what evil really and truly was, until the P came along, and left the mess in my head that I am still trying to get cleaned up, almost 9 MONTHS INTO THE BLOODY AFTERMATH. Ugh. I am so exhausted from this roller coaster ride. I tell ya….
Hi Truthspeak,
I’ve come to see red flags in so many other men in all areas of my life: work, social, community, church etc, that I don’t give anyone a chnace to get close to me, it’s really a question of “Once and Done”. However, from these experiences on an alomost daily basis, have you even thought about how large Spath Island would have to be to accommodate all these spaths in our sick world.
I always thought I was a close child of God; I have unending faith in Him and yes, I do believe that I have been fortunate to have this 2nd chance without Spath, but 3 years later, I’m still finding it difficult to get back to my God. There is such a huge part of me that just won’t trust or give anyone that slightest chance of hurting me again.
and Radar-On, a good book to read is one titled: “Snakes in Suits” – because that is exactly what they are in the work environment as well as at home.
Thanks to all of you here at LF for keeping me going, for making me feel normal, and for giving me pointers in coping, moving on and living again without Spath.
One day, thanks to all of you, hopefully I can become a whole Tortoise and not just the….
Shell
x
Shell, an interesting exercise in your recovery might be to consider how many females are exhibiting the same spath behaviors. Yes, you’ve been damaged by males, but I’ve noticed that there are just as many females (if not, more) as males that fit the profile of spath.
I had a very strong spiritual base, Shell. I have always believed that there was Something Greater out there, and that belief has been tested to its very core. I think the reason that this is true for me is that I perceive “God, Yahweh, Jehovah, Great Creator, Whomever” to be a “loving” entity that would never allow human suffering to the degree that it occurs. How many times have we heard, over and over and over, that if we would just “believe,” that our lives would change for the better? How many times have we heard that from a pulpit or in conversation?
The point is this: who is giving us these assurances and promises? Another human being. Most often, that same human being (or, his/her followers) echo the same assurances, yet they also pontificate on how people who don’t “believe” in the core doctrines that they describe are not going to get into Heaven. There’s a paradox, to me, about this notion. I know many, many people who are atheist or agnostic that walk the walk without any of the talk. Are they going to be denied entry into Heaven just because they haven’t been submerged in water and declared that they “believe?” I also know many, many, MANY people who claim to be “believers” that go to their places of worship each week, drop cash or checks (in envelopes) into collection plates, dress in their best apparel, and stand, sit, kneel, and sing at the appropriate times. A good number of these people do not walk the walk throughout the week. They backstab, gossip, machinate, and harm many people with the flawed belief that they’ve announced themselves to be reborn and are, therefore, forgiven of their sins.
My personal beliefs tend to run on a mix of philosophies and beliefs that there is, indeed, a Great Creator. This Higher Power has given me everything that I will ever need to make my life meaningful and whole and I only need to search for those gifts and strengths and use them to the best of my ability. I do not believe that God strikes people down, nor does he/she/it reward people with wealth, prosperity, and peace.
The exspath’s father waits – literally waits – for God to provide a house, a job, opportunities, answers, and everything else that he has the power to generate under his own power. This, IMMHO, is flawed on every level. But, this is HIS system of beliefs, and people are going to exploit his indecision and desperation.
SO, when it boils down to your system of beliefs, Shell, it might be helpful for you to think about how and when your beliefs were formed – and, by whom. I truly believe (and, sometimes FEEL) that “God” is out there and does hear me. The answers are often, “No,” but most of the answers are, “You have the power to accomplish this.”
Remember: any invading nation (entity) first dismantles the beliefs and practices of the vanquished. Exactly what the spath does on a person-by-person basis.
Hugs and brightest blessings to you
Greetings Everyone…This is an update to this letter. It has indeed been a coaster ride since Donna posted my letter! So many things have happened. First off my deepest sympathies go out to C’Queen at the horrific loss of her Prince. I won’t even say, I can even imagine. I pray she champions for her son (yes, she will) and for other children out there in those types of situations. I do follow the LF blog on my phone since I no longer have access to the internet on a home PC. On to my update…the spath is out of my home! Finally after several months of the cat&mouse games. He is out of my house, but not out of my life……yet. I’m working on that, not long before NO CONTACT! I had a “showdown” with the spath in mid-October, and yep. You can guess….lies…lies….lies! What a piece of work! Sooooooo, he was the one who blew up, and left out of the house to go get a small truck. Took half of his stuff out, ( the balance of his shit is still in my house ), blew tons of smoke at me, and now he is at his elderly father’s house! The spath-tic is now feeding off his Dad. However I cannot control that. I know what I am in for till the divorce is over, but I still have my arsenal of “proof” of what he has been up to since we met. I pray God intervenes on another woman’s behalf….for he will find another supply source. But that is up to God, not me. On a most positive note…I start a job on Monday!!!!!! Whoooo Hooooo! 🙂 I want my life back!!!!!!! Much more aware, more seasoned, more wise…and have learned BOUNDRIES! My goodness, what a learning experience! My “eyesight” has contact lenses now! Thank you, Lovefraud! I’ve learned soooo much about ME here!!! I know I don’t get to post much, but ohhhh do I follow the blog! Will I ever become involved with another man? I will not close myself off to it, just more wiser and cautious! I refuse to let this monster cheat and rob me, from possibly a decent and honorable man that may come along. My rose-colored-glasses no longer exist, however i still believe there are decent men (and women) out there….. Best wishes and Blessings to you all! (I will update from time to time as I go through my divorce…I’m sure it will get fugly)….
http://www.womansavers.com/ After everything is said and done, I’m gonna do what the spath-tic suggested. TELL WHOEVER YOU WANT, TAKE OUT A BILLBOARD! Lmao! 🙂
Radar_On:
I am glad to hear you are doing better! Please do keep us updated!
Yes Louise, I am doing much better. Inch by inch, step by step, I am taking my life back. All of us here, have had such Costly learning experiences… But in certain ways we are so much stronger for it! My best wishes to you!
Radar_On, it’s good to “see” you, again. I’m grateful that you’re doing well and into some strong recovery!
Lemme know how much those billboards are so I can save my pennies! LOL!!
Brightest blessings