Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.
I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.
Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots of requests for contact by men, most not suitable at all. Amongst the requests was one from a man whose profile was flawless. A person professionally employed with a good Christian background. Fit and healthy and having a teenage daughter in his care much of the time.
I accepted his contact request and we clicked straight away. Had lots in common, both employed in the medical profession, both had three children, he three grown daughters, me — three grown sons. Both loved walking, cycles, the outdoors, markets, gardening, same type of music. We chatted merrily away, night after night for hours, about anything and everything including things one only tells one’s closest friends.
For three weeks, until one nice pleasant but very quiet weekend afternoon, I went online and he was there. He said it would be nice to meet and have my company for a chat for an hour before he collected his daughter from his ex-wife’s. Sounded safe enough. And it was. I even thought he was nicer in person. When I left he asked if he could give me a kiss, and I accepted the small peck on the cheek. How lovely. What a gentleman, I thought. It left me wanting to see him again. The second time a week later when he invited me to his house he had lovely mood candles burning, a gorgeous meal prepared and the right soft music on. And there was that chemistry between us and he told me that he thought I was “hot.”
Notch on the bedpost
Very romantic and easy to communicate with. I was on another planet. But also I was vulnerable and found myself really liking and trusting David. And as the evening went by one thing led to another! Just perfect. Who could ask for anything more!
But make no mistake, once I had become a notch on his bedpost the conquest was over for him. The game had been played. And he was already well on his way in grooming his next victim online.
I know he is very selective, he picks only good, honest women with high morals, that way there are far less risks for him. And he told me nothing. Zero. He just stopped communicating with me. End of story.
I was left totally and utterly shattered and emotionally scarred by it. I saw him online chatting to others but he refused to acknowledge me.
So I chose to confront him personally. I jumped in my car and I drove the one hours drive to his place. (I knew he was home because he was online chatting to someone else at 10 p.m. but would not return my request for contact.) He was shocked to see me — totally. He could not look me in the face. He fidgeted and behaved much the same as a naughty boy who has been caught out but was too scared to admit it. He tried to maintain composure. He said that he is grieving for his mother who is dying from cancer. And that there isn’t anyone else and that he just wanted to be by himself. Then he stated that I was intelligent, good-looking and will find someone else. And he added, “We’ll both be fine. Everything will be alright.”
Talking with other women
The first time I initially had contact with David last year and after a couple of weeks chatting online he suggested communicating through MSN via internet email as it is more personal and that I didn’t need to go on the dating site to communicate as they are full of strange people wanting contact. He then hid his profile and I thought maybe I was special because he had given me his undivided attention. He then removed me from his “contacts” on the dating site.
But when I checked the online dating site, usually very late at night, there he was online, no doubt conversing to other women. I do recall in about the second week of chatting to him on the net and before I actually met him that David mentioned that he was on some type of suicide watch for a friend and may need to go in a hurry. Well that call came and he said he had to go and help his friend in need. The next evening on the net I remember him referring to it when asked by me, he said that it was a long, long night. “Someone was drunk in their car, and there were lots and lots of tears. But everything would be alright,” he said.
I was not to know then just how significant this was until weeks later when going over things again and again in my head. It all fell into place.
“Lots and lots of tears” obviously meant female. And I have now worked out that this female was likely a person he became involved with as he began chatting to me online. When her usefulness ceased, that is, he achieved his notch on the bedpost, he told her their relationship would not work. Yet another poor deluded soul, led to think there could be more but let down in a cold, callous and calculating manner.
Life lesson
So from all of this I strongly felt that David needed to be taught a real life lesson. Users on these dating sites are real life people with real feelings and emotions. I felt he needed to hurt, and in exactly the same way he was hurting vulnerable women who would open up to him — like myself.
Does not matter if you think you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox. If you are new to these dating sites — beware. You are raw meat. Ready for the taking. Long time players will regularly scour the new additions and quickly request contact before others do.
Read more: Online seduction and the dangers of online dating
Then when I began to play him at his own game I was terrified he would catch on straight away, as I find it near impossible to lie and keep a straight face. But remember that online, on internet dating sites, all that is being conveyed is around 25 percent of the actual communication.
The other person cannot see you, or you them. And I know that body language counts for around 75 percent of what is being conveyed. Could I do this? Could I carry off the lie? Well as it happened — yes, I could. Wasn’t as difficult as I thought. If he could see me he would have known, but he couldn’t.
I became Jo
I placed a new profile on the dating site and became “Jo” in late January 2010, and made up a background similar to my own. I felt myself writing what I knew he would want to hear. I needed him to take the bait. And he did. Almost instantly. It only confirmed to me what I had already discovered over recent months that did not quite add up.
David’s first contact with Jo was the day after his mother, whom he supposedly adored, died. Strange behaviour when one is grieving! Chatting on line for one hour to “Jo,” whom he knew nothing about, yet telling her that he had no one to hug!!!!!!
Then telling Jo that he has been on the site for over two years and hasn’t had any luck, and hasn’t had a date in 14 years! I thought and what about me, or the others, whom he just so readily discarded!!! Liar!
Also in the three weeks of being Jo online, David at no stage asked what line of work Jo was in, or even where Jo lived, which was good in one way, because I did not need to lie, however it did highlight how he was so self-focused.
My aim of playing him at his own game was to keep him interested, wanting more, wanting the real deal. Getting him to ask me to his place would be even better as I knew he would go to some length to get it right. Mood candles, soft music and red wine!
Agreed to meet
It happened just the way I planned on Friday evening, February 12, 2010. Three weeks after chatting to him online and developing a rapport, he was clearly very eager to meet Jo. No less than six times throughout chatting to him on Friday early evening he hinted at Jo meeting him with comments such as, “I had a delivery of wine today — come let’s try one.” “I might ask you over — or let my hormones take over.” “There’s at least seven bottles of red to choose from here — come choose one.” “You deserve a back rub for daring to talk about my mum and how I feel about it — no one else wants to know it happened.”
After stringing him along for awhile, Jo agreed to meet him at his place and he gave a very detailed description of how to get there in exactly the same way he had to me. Jo then left him with the final message of “Looking forward to meeting you. You sound so nice and friendly.” And, “I shall arrive in my nice shiny black convertible, shall I?” And he said, “So off ya go and come on over — much more fun talking than typing.” Of course Jo then did NOT turn up.
At 10:50 that night, David left a message for Jo online: “David wonders what happened to Jo — hope you weren’t snapped up by crocodile, not been fed to a shark — and that you didn’t do this to wind me up — though that would seem very out of character from the chats we had — catch you whenever I s’pose.”
And: “P.S. I would really like to honestly know what happened and why — so please chat and tell me.”
Just perfect, I thought. It would leave him now wondering why and maybe feeling rejected, just like I had.
Advice for Internet dating
Now, my advice to anyone new to any of the Internet dating sites is to first check out how long the other person has been on the site. If more than a few months, beware. Secondly, when you are communicating with someone on these sites, remember you are actually only getting about 25 percent of the communication. You do not see them or their body responses; all you get is a motionless computer screen. Thirdly, it might be wiser and safer to communicate only with other new users, and stay well away from those who have joined many, many months ago or years! Let the alarm bells ring.
When I joined again as Jo several months after the first time, there were again the same large group of men whom had requested contacts with me the first time!!!
In conclusion, David has an obsession with these sites, much the same way as an addict has to gambling or a smoker to smoking. The addiction is either about gaining power over women or is a sex addiction. Yet, in real life David functions at a high level. He does have friends and is quite social, even having a weekly home church group meeting at his house. Yet on the chat line he says he is alone and feels unwanted.
David lives in a fantasy world, in a made up one, when on the Internet. The real sad part of all of this for me is that underneath the entire act David puts on, he seems like a lovely man who is highly confused and has lost his way with reality.
Net addiction
Through personal research I have now found some good sites on the Internet that outline what “net addiction” or “Internet dating addiction” or “cyber-addiction” is. Internet addiction is a growing, serious public health issue. And those that are addicted can be quite callous towards unsuspecting others. America has even considered this cyber-addiction to be included in the DSM V of Mental Health Disorders. It can be seen as the new growing social cancer of our century.
But how David could do this to innocent women, and repetitively, knowing he has three teenage daughters himself, is beyond comprehension. How would he like it if one of his daughters fell foul to someone just like him?
Finally, if my story can just stop this from happening to other females then that is a bonus. If what I did by becoming the player myself hurts him like he has clearly and deliberately hurt many women over a lengthy period of time then I will be very happy indeed. And my job is done.
So regardless of where you live, not just Australia, let the Internet user beware. It could cost you significantly emotionally, which will take you a long time to recover from.
Playing “The Player”
Everyone comes into one’s life for a reason. And I now firmly believe David came into mine because I was the right person to take him on and turn the tables on him. By playing “The Player,” it gave me the chance to regain my self-esteem and confidence and gain some kind of closure. My aim was to show him that one cannot use and emotionally abuse innocent people who initially come online and are often very vulnerable by those who are masters at “the game.”
I think I will stay well away from the Internet dating sites for the time being. I need to heal and become the calm, relaxed person with the happy disposition I was before.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 2, 2010.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Silvermoon I watched the same program with the women from Texas that became infected with HIV because of the evil guy that knew he had hiv but didnt tell them. But if my memory is correct some of these women continued to date and I think a couple of them have married. I lost a few gay friends to aids in the 80’s and they were not evil. Millions of people today are hiv+ and they date and live healthy normal lives. It is all about disclosure of what ever std a person may have. I agree with you that people who dont tell are evil. But I find your statement offensive and ignorant…
OxDrover:
While I agree that there is both a genetic and an environmental component to sociopathy, I don’t think it is a choice. One of the real problems with them is that they don’t see themselves as defective, rather the opposite. Perhaps that is what you meant by choice.
One interesting article I read here highlights the problem of nature vs. nurture. It mentioned that 25% of the males raised in English public housing (“council housing”) are sociopaths. Since poor tends too breed poor, are this 25% a product of simply growing up in public housing or is there a connected genetic component as well? Most research indicates both. I found this example particularly interesting in that I don’t know if Jamie grew up in public housing, but I do know his family was poor living in a poor city at that time (Manchester, England) and his father walked out on his family when he was a small child. Very interesting.
Lorraine;
Thanks for your story, as it underscores that sociopaths are not necessarily criminal or violent. In addition, that their charm can be so strong that even short-term contact can have lasting effects.
Dear Oxy and Aeylah,
Thanks for your posts! I know it is the addiction. And sometimes I do so well ignoring it. Bc I know deep down in my heart that if we communicate, it will be disappointing. He will not be the kind person that he once “pretended” to be. Bc for us, that gig is up. For whatever reason, he figured out that I’m not falling for it and has moved on. So most of our past encounters were him being kind long enuf to get what he wanted and then ignore me again as if I didn’t exist.
For me, deep down inside, I know now that he is not the person I thought he was. And I used to ask why over and over. But from reading and reading here….there is no answer to that question. I realize that too.
But my question now is……does my continued fascination with “what we had” and my desire to reach out to him, even when he won’t reach back, make me the crazy one? The SP? Sometimes that’s how I feel. Why in my right mind would I want to speak to a man that has done the things he has done to me? Made me feel the way he has made me feel? What is wrong with me that I can’t GET OVER IT! And how do I make myself better?
You know, lately I’ve dreamt of him every night. And the dreams are not particularly bad or good. They aren’t hot and steamy but rather him making an entrance in my life again. Saying he’s sorry and wanting to be there. Why now after all these months?
I’m just so completely confused with what all this means. And what is the next step to healing…..
Dear Blue_eyes,
I grew up in the rural south, one side of my family were doctors the other side farmers. I am familiar with my family personally back 4 or 5 generations, and stories of them going back to pre-civil war here. I also did some medical research on mental illness and indicators of psychopathy vs. being raised by the psychopaths.
Both sides of my family had a high number of people with psychopoathic traits. My children’s father was the child of a psychopath and very dissociative because of the emotional abuse of his father, but as long as we were married, he was an excellent father to my childen, but when at the insistence of his own father he divorced me, he never saw the children again. Never communicated with them again. Which was extremely hurtful to the children. I did have a close network of friends who were “family” and though I was poor after my divorce, we lived in “middle class” standards with everything and my kids felt no want. By puberty though, after I had remarried, my P-son started a career in defiance and theft, by 18 he was in prison for grand theft, got out and was back before 21 for MURDER. He just turned 39 last month. He is totally proud of his crimes and feels that he is a SUCCESS, though he has spent only 5 or 6 months of his life since age 18 outside of prison. He continues to violate prison rules and to end up in solitary.
I was not raised by my P-sperm donor, as my egg donor caught him cheating when I was 3 months old (he had VD) and divorced him, but because she had been raised in a family where male abuse of females was “overlooked” she was an enabler, and especially after the primary enabler ifn the family, her mother died.
My P-son started his abuse and criminal activity at puberty and he is so much like my sperm donor it is uncanny, and he has never met the man. Only 1 out of 4 of my sperm donors children seem to be high in the P-traits, though, the other 2 besides myself have no contact with him. Those two were raised by him and the boy was significantly mentally AND physically abused by the P-sperm donor.
Both of the two half sibs of mine have been married once and have stable relationships and homelives and careers, the one who I think is high in P-traits has been married and divorced multiple times.
I have NO doubt that there is a BIG genetic coomponent, and many of the TRAITS of psychopathy would cause a person and/or their family to be on the low end of the socio-economic scale. If you steal or over consume drugs and alochol it is not easy to rise up in the educational, social, and economic levels A few people do it from low levels of childhood poverty but it is difficult.
But it isn’t just the poverty that causes some poor people to be what we refer to here as “trash” because I know many people in my community who are VERY poor and they are NOT trash, and I know others who do have much better economic conditions but ARE TRASH….just trash with money from one venue or another.
My P son is extremely bright and has educated himself quite well, though his formal education is not even high school graduation. However,, his social education has been refined inside prison, and by his psychopathic traits which include a high level of narcissism, feeling entitled and special, and very grandiose. In reality he is TRASH and actually would be recognized as TRASH by anyone on the outside if he ever does get out.
My P-sperm donor eventually became one of the (at that time) richest 400 men in the US (Forbes list) but his social skills were very poor and people found him crude at best, but would toady to him because he was rich. He didn’t even realize that people laughed or scorned or looked down their noses at him behind his back. He actually thought that everyone in the world ENVIED him. I do not know of a single friend he ever had. Dupes and victims, but never a friend.
Actually that was a sad way for any one to live. My half brother, that is like him, is the only one in the world I know that actually knew him that “admired” him—but since my half brother is just like him, I see why.
My P son had a private schooll education, had a large group of family and friends, every gifted and talented program or class available, and a solid middle class upbringing, religious and moral teaching, but at puberty he rebelled in this and found none of it interesting, but instead went for crime, to steal things he didn’t even need, just for the excitement of it.
It is a shame, as he has great intellect, that is WASTED because he is a moral cripple.
People who have sex with others and do not know their own status or the status of the other person have a “right” to do this, EXCEPT where they are supposedly in a “committed” and “exclusive” relationship with another person i.e. cheating. I think if a man or woman who is in an exclusive relationship cheats and catches something and passes it on, they are In my point of view CRIMINAL. Just like the guy in Texas who knew he was HIV+ and passed it on to 6 women each of whom that she was “exclusive.” One of the women married before she knew she was +.
If someone knows their status is + for any transmittable disease and fails to disclose it, I think they are criminal.
I personally would not initiate a sexual relationship with someone without prior testing for both of us and a reasonable expectation that the person was exclusive with me. But, that is MY choice for ME. I don’t condemn others who are not that cautious, that is their choice and their risks.
One step says “You MUST stop telling him how you feel. STOP volunteering info that he will use to hurt you. STOP sacrificing yourself ”“ he isn’t all of a sudden going to ’get’ it and become loving. You can’t love him into being anything but what he is. You have to start to protect yourself. ”
It’s so TRUE. I did this w the SP so long….telling him how I felt bc I thought it would change him and “make him right”. Make him realize there was a right and wrong way to care for someone…..but it didn’t! We obviously don’t talk any more…but thanks for the reminder!
Dear Sara
I think with the dreams which I think are the mind’s way of trying to work out feelings while we sleep and are not “alert” to edit them, and your yearning for him are all still part of the FANTASY that you need to work on.
There is PHYSICAL NC and there is EMOTIONAL NC. If you have physical NC usually eventually emotional NC will follow, but it takes time to work this out. Some people stay in emotional connection even after someone has died. I think the finally coming to “acceptence” after a loss (either by death or whatever happens) of another person/relationship just takes working through the grief process, part of which is a “bargaining” stage. The stages of grief are back and forth, not in a straight line like 1,2, 3…but more like 1-3-4-2-4-1-5- and so it is like a roller coaster and even when we get to accepting that they are gone and we are okay, you may still fall backwards into “bargaining” etc. which is where I ithink you may be now, trying to figure out a way it could have been OK.
NO you are NOT a psychopath, because if you were, you wouldn’t still be in the fantasy—he has moved on and can do so easily because he did NOT love you, he did NOT care about you, you were, quite bluntly, just another piece to him. Something to be used and discarded.
Work on focusing on you. WHY would you get so hung up on someone who could and would treat you poorly. What in your previous relationships showed this pattern (if any) but not just wsith lovers, but with any other kind of relationship?
Do you feel like you don’t deserve to be treated well? Who else in your life treats you poorly?
Read articles here, there is a WEALTH of knowledge and insight here. READ IT ALL, work on YOU, focus on YOU, and not on him. It isn’t easy but it works! (((Hugs))))) You deserve to be treated well.
Dear Sarasims, I can SO relate! I am now packing my household into boxes to move to the new apartment, and this very afternoon I stumbled over a package with photographs X gave me at our peak honeymoon (him in full bloom and me in full bloom). I still have not put them into the bin, as I have fond memories of THAT time, and I know that he now looks far worse. I have seen new photos of him on his workplace gallery (after he had contacted my sister three weeks ago for legal reasons to sue his employer I guess and sent me greetings my sister did NOT want to give to me but did anyway; typical for her and him); he looks overly tired, much older and miserable. He is wearing on this new photograph the tie I bought for him as a present when I was in NY City (he never ever wore it when he was with me) and the jacket he bought with me as well. The day we bought said jacket he told me that I did not matter at all to him (he was flying an airplane with me in the backseat, and as I congratulated him for the marvellous flight he bluntly told me that to him it did not matter who was in the back seat. THEN THE MASK FELL THE FIRST TIME, to my biggest horror ever, therefore I can dissociate from the actual man. A month later he told me that I am a good Escort! I left the same evening!)
But I still treasure the three months of the perfect illusion and I still thank him for the initiation of a deeper understanding of myself and my psyche. (please Oxy put away your skillet!)
The man he IS is dead to me, and I have no need to contact him as I know that it would destroy my illusion ;-), but he is like my grandpa who is also dead but who has taught me lots of things and whom I treasure.
If I consider my life as being a painting he is a part in the background now with some bright but also very dark colors, the paint has dried and I am not compelled to make another stroke with the brush as I am done with this part of the painting. It is a distant part at the horizon, and other things are more important now and in the foreground. For instance: finding a new job!
Sounds weird, but this very moment I feel a kind of thankfulness and no bitterness at all as he has brought out the very best out of me I would not have been able to accomplish myself alone.
I can refer you to listen to Billy Joel “Always a woman” which is a wonderful song about a P/S/N-woman. I wish you all the best!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4nQB3V10i8&feature=related
I was always fascinated by the song, but now that I know what he is talking about the lyrics make perfectly sense. The soft waltzing music lures you in, and the same time you are bewildered by the text! A true masterpiece for me. Enjoy!
Dear Libelle,
Darling I think your comparing the X to being a part of the painting “in the background” and feeling “NO bitterness” is a GREAT Way to visualize the past, our pasts are art of our life-paintings, and maybe some of the parts started out in the foreground but as new parts were added they were pushed back into the background.
Our experiences with the psychopaths (ideally) will make us better people, more thoughtful, more cautious, more self-appreciating, and a lot of other things as well. We are definitely NOT the same persons we were before we met them, or realized what they are, but it all is part of how we got to where we are NOW.
Enjoy looking for a new job, and enjoy setting up your NEW PLACE just the way YOU want it. You are off on a NEW ADVENTURE and a NEW DISCOVERY with the NEW YOU! What a WONDERFUL opportunity! ((((hugs)))))