Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.
I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.
Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots of requests for contact by men, most not suitable at all. Amongst the requests was one from a man whose profile was flawless. A person professionally employed with a good Christian background. Fit and healthy and having a teenage daughter in his care much of the time.
I accepted his contact request and we clicked straight away. Had lots in common, both employed in the medical profession, both had three children, he three grown daughters, me — three grown sons. Both loved walking, cycles, the outdoors, markets, gardening, same type of music. We chatted merrily away, night after night for hours, about anything and everything including things one only tells one’s closest friends.
For three weeks, until one nice pleasant but very quiet weekend afternoon, I went online and he was there. He said it would be nice to meet and have my company for a chat for an hour before he collected his daughter from his ex-wife’s. Sounded safe enough. And it was. I even thought he was nicer in person. When I left he asked if he could give me a kiss, and I accepted the small peck on the cheek. How lovely. What a gentleman, I thought. It left me wanting to see him again. The second time a week later when he invited me to his house he had lovely mood candles burning, a gorgeous meal prepared and the right soft music on. And there was that chemistry between us and he told me that he thought I was “hot.”
Notch on the bedpost
Very romantic and easy to communicate with. I was on another planet. But also I was vulnerable and found myself really liking and trusting David. And as the evening went by one thing led to another! Just perfect. Who could ask for anything more!
But make no mistake, once I had become a notch on his bedpost the conquest was over for him. The game had been played. And he was already well on his way in grooming his next victim online.
I know he is very selective, he picks only good, honest women with high morals, that way there are far less risks for him. And he told me nothing. Zero. He just stopped communicating with me. End of story.
I was left totally and utterly shattered and emotionally scarred by it. I saw him online chatting to others but he refused to acknowledge me.
So I chose to confront him personally. I jumped in my car and I drove the one hours drive to his place. (I knew he was home because he was online chatting to someone else at 10 p.m. but would not return my request for contact.) He was shocked to see me — totally. He could not look me in the face. He fidgeted and behaved much the same as a naughty boy who has been caught out but was too scared to admit it. He tried to maintain composure. He said that he is grieving for his mother who is dying from cancer. And that there isn’t anyone else and that he just wanted to be by himself. Then he stated that I was intelligent, good-looking and will find someone else. And he added, “We’ll both be fine. Everything will be alright.”
Talking with other women
The first time I initially had contact with David last year and after a couple of weeks chatting online he suggested communicating through MSN via internet email as it is more personal and that I didn’t need to go on the dating site to communicate as they are full of strange people wanting contact. He then hid his profile and I thought maybe I was special because he had given me his undivided attention. He then removed me from his “contacts” on the dating site.
But when I checked the online dating site, usually very late at night, there he was online, no doubt conversing to other women. I do recall in about the second week of chatting to him on the net and before I actually met him that David mentioned that he was on some type of suicide watch for a friend and may need to go in a hurry. Well that call came and he said he had to go and help his friend in need. The next evening on the net I remember him referring to it when asked by me, he said that it was a long, long night. “Someone was drunk in their car, and there were lots and lots of tears. But everything would be alright,” he said.
I was not to know then just how significant this was until weeks later when going over things again and again in my head. It all fell into place.
“Lots and lots of tears” obviously meant female. And I have now worked out that this female was likely a person he became involved with as he began chatting to me online. When her usefulness ceased, that is, he achieved his notch on the bedpost, he told her their relationship would not work. Yet another poor deluded soul, led to think there could be more but let down in a cold, callous and calculating manner.
Life lesson
So from all of this I strongly felt that David needed to be taught a real life lesson. Users on these dating sites are real life people with real feelings and emotions. I felt he needed to hurt, and in exactly the same way he was hurting vulnerable women who would open up to him — like myself.
Does not matter if you think you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox. If you are new to these dating sites — beware. You are raw meat. Ready for the taking. Long time players will regularly scour the new additions and quickly request contact before others do.
Read more: Online seduction and the dangers of online dating
Then when I began to play him at his own game I was terrified he would catch on straight away, as I find it near impossible to lie and keep a straight face. But remember that online, on internet dating sites, all that is being conveyed is around 25 percent of the actual communication.
The other person cannot see you, or you them. And I know that body language counts for around 75 percent of what is being conveyed. Could I do this? Could I carry off the lie? Well as it happened — yes, I could. Wasn’t as difficult as I thought. If he could see me he would have known, but he couldn’t.
I became Jo
I placed a new profile on the dating site and became “Jo” in late January 2010, and made up a background similar to my own. I felt myself writing what I knew he would want to hear. I needed him to take the bait. And he did. Almost instantly. It only confirmed to me what I had already discovered over recent months that did not quite add up.
David’s first contact with Jo was the day after his mother, whom he supposedly adored, died. Strange behaviour when one is grieving! Chatting on line for one hour to “Jo,” whom he knew nothing about, yet telling her that he had no one to hug!!!!!!
Then telling Jo that he has been on the site for over two years and hasn’t had any luck, and hasn’t had a date in 14 years! I thought and what about me, or the others, whom he just so readily discarded!!! Liar!
Also in the three weeks of being Jo online, David at no stage asked what line of work Jo was in, or even where Jo lived, which was good in one way, because I did not need to lie, however it did highlight how he was so self-focused.
My aim of playing him at his own game was to keep him interested, wanting more, wanting the real deal. Getting him to ask me to his place would be even better as I knew he would go to some length to get it right. Mood candles, soft music and red wine!
Agreed to meet
It happened just the way I planned on Friday evening, February 12, 2010. Three weeks after chatting to him online and developing a rapport, he was clearly very eager to meet Jo. No less than six times throughout chatting to him on Friday early evening he hinted at Jo meeting him with comments such as, “I had a delivery of wine today — come let’s try one.” “I might ask you over — or let my hormones take over.” “There’s at least seven bottles of red to choose from here — come choose one.” “You deserve a back rub for daring to talk about my mum and how I feel about it — no one else wants to know it happened.”
After stringing him along for awhile, Jo agreed to meet him at his place and he gave a very detailed description of how to get there in exactly the same way he had to me. Jo then left him with the final message of “Looking forward to meeting you. You sound so nice and friendly.” And, “I shall arrive in my nice shiny black convertible, shall I?” And he said, “So off ya go and come on over — much more fun talking than typing.” Of course Jo then did NOT turn up.
At 10:50 that night, David left a message for Jo online: “David wonders what happened to Jo — hope you weren’t snapped up by crocodile, not been fed to a shark — and that you didn’t do this to wind me up — though that would seem very out of character from the chats we had — catch you whenever I s’pose.”
And: “P.S. I would really like to honestly know what happened and why — so please chat and tell me.”
Just perfect, I thought. It would leave him now wondering why and maybe feeling rejected, just like I had.
Advice for Internet dating
Now, my advice to anyone new to any of the Internet dating sites is to first check out how long the other person has been on the site. If more than a few months, beware. Secondly, when you are communicating with someone on these sites, remember you are actually only getting about 25 percent of the communication. You do not see them or their body responses; all you get is a motionless computer screen. Thirdly, it might be wiser and safer to communicate only with other new users, and stay well away from those who have joined many, many months ago or years! Let the alarm bells ring.
When I joined again as Jo several months after the first time, there were again the same large group of men whom had requested contacts with me the first time!!!
In conclusion, David has an obsession with these sites, much the same way as an addict has to gambling or a smoker to smoking. The addiction is either about gaining power over women or is a sex addiction. Yet, in real life David functions at a high level. He does have friends and is quite social, even having a weekly home church group meeting at his house. Yet on the chat line he says he is alone and feels unwanted.
David lives in a fantasy world, in a made up one, when on the Internet. The real sad part of all of this for me is that underneath the entire act David puts on, he seems like a lovely man who is highly confused and has lost his way with reality.
Net addiction
Through personal research I have now found some good sites on the Internet that outline what “net addiction” or “Internet dating addiction” or “cyber-addiction” is. Internet addiction is a growing, serious public health issue. And those that are addicted can be quite callous towards unsuspecting others. America has even considered this cyber-addiction to be included in the DSM V of Mental Health Disorders. It can be seen as the new growing social cancer of our century.
But how David could do this to innocent women, and repetitively, knowing he has three teenage daughters himself, is beyond comprehension. How would he like it if one of his daughters fell foul to someone just like him?
Finally, if my story can just stop this from happening to other females then that is a bonus. If what I did by becoming the player myself hurts him like he has clearly and deliberately hurt many women over a lengthy period of time then I will be very happy indeed. And my job is done.
So regardless of where you live, not just Australia, let the Internet user beware. It could cost you significantly emotionally, which will take you a long time to recover from.
Playing “The Player”
Everyone comes into one’s life for a reason. And I now firmly believe David came into mine because I was the right person to take him on and turn the tables on him. By playing “The Player,” it gave me the chance to regain my self-esteem and confidence and gain some kind of closure. My aim was to show him that one cannot use and emotionally abuse innocent people who initially come online and are often very vulnerable by those who are masters at “the game.”
I think I will stay well away from the Internet dating sites for the time being. I need to heal and become the calm, relaxed person with the happy disposition I was before.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 2, 2010.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Thanks Oxy! I am now off to see a friend to have a bottle of wine, some nibbles and a funny DVD! Life is great, isn’t it?
Dear Libelle,
It is sure getting better and better! a P-free life, or one with them at least not able to emotionally push your buttons is a GOOD life.
Being AWAY from them is a good thing as it makes it much harder for them to “pull one on you” but even from a distance if they are determined they can stab you in the back, so it still is a good thing to be CAUTIOUS and keep your P-dar working in case, Like Erin B’s X, they show up on your door step with their lies and manuvers unexpectedly.
But even though I KNOW FOR A FACT my P son is trying to out-manuver me behind my back, I’m taking CAUTIOUS action to keep him in prison AND to be cautious and protective about my own safety.
Learning that we need to be cautious but not panic or be in TERROR is a good thing, for me it has been a SLOW thing too, and sometimes I ahve set backs, like ErinB did yesterday, but she handled it well, she is still handling it well, and I think it is the SUDDENESS of them showing up that is part of what “triggers” us into anxiety. But she’s handling it and I hope and count on myself to do as well.
Have a fun day!@.......
Behind Blue Eyes,
You will probably never know but that guy may have lied about his unfortunate childhood. They do this to get your sympathy and they can be very convincing. One of the telltale signs of a sociopath is pathological lying. You are very lucky that you only knew him for a short time, so you still feel some sympathy for him. If he is a true sociopath, his mask would have slipped more and more over time. Their behaviors are so bizarre to the rest of us that even after dating them for longer periods and being destroyed by them, we are left looking for shreds of their humanity.
Star, you bring out a good point, thanks…we always need to be aware that everyone who presents themselves as a “victim” or “abused child” or whatever is not necessarily a real victim…may PREDATORS present themselves as having been “hurt” by others and having a “terrible childhood” and of course they need your love and sex and money to fix them. Any time they chit on you, it is because they were abused as a child….yea, the PITY PLOY, from Psychopath’s Play Book, page 101, paragraph 2.
When I think about it, several of the psychopaths I know who style themselves as a VICTIM use that to get dupes to give them money, to house them, etc. including my POOR ABUSED P-OFFSPRING—my egg donor has had to protect that poor boy since he was 15 from the consequences of his bad behavior and his abusing mother (me)—unfortunately, I got to feeling sorry for the monster from time to time too—but she still falls for that and I don’t.
Can we see a show of hands for people whose poor psychopath has been abused by just about everyone they encountered, including US, and that is why they are NOT responsible for all the things that we made them do…poooor babies. (tongue in cheek very far!)
Henry,
Sorry you are offended. Not my purpose or point.
I sincerely doubt that a SAPTH with HIV would be of the sort who would honor the decorum of disclosure and that the risk of finding one in the community of any orientation is a serious one.
The notion that “It won’t happen to me” is a false one and I sincerely believe that any of us who have been through a relationship with one of these dangerous personalities who didn’t end up HIV + is probrably lucky.
Because to expect the ones who lie convincingly, feel neither remorse nor empathy nor who have any concience about who they might expose or infect would be a high risk gamble, don’t you think?
Because THEY are out there, WE all need to be careful and serious about so doing. No matter who WE are.
Ultimately, it is hard to recover from these haunting relationships. Its damn hard. Especially since the answer is walk away from a person and an illusion we loved. Tough Stuff. Its common experience here on love fraud to struggle with dealing with it.
There is only one way. Let go.
There is a process to it.
My intention to encourage the process by being real about the risk and the notion that given how a spath plays, the expectation of honesty and the gift of sympathy are invitations to get back the supplier. And the dreamy notion of a happy ending unreal in these relationships because they will always leave you “out in the cold”.
Yep, its hard to give up the bargain for a happy ending- A way to heal a beautiful but broken love. And to survive, it must be.
So I am sorry if my writing did not please because I did not say what I mean to your satisfaction. I have no desire to offend.
But I don’t think ignorant of the risk that anyone in the dating and in particular the online dating scene is exposed to given the possibility of coming across an HIV+ Spath.
And in the context of this site and the context of this thread, the notion that these guys can be played without risk is something I find very disturbing and downright dangerous.
I don’t think anyone here is ignorant of the devastating effects of these relationships and after the fact, the realization that most are very likely close calls on this very issue.
“Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives”.
James Madison
yes life is a gamble – but the people that werent lucky or didnt dodge the bullet have every reason to hope for love and romance again dont ya think?
The desire to give and receive love is indiginous to us all Henry. And the need for it under any duress is absolute.
I don’t advocate that anyone should not find it,have it and live in it.
Given recent experience, I find myself much more risk averse and pragmatic in my approach to the whole thing.
My advocacy is that less gambling probrably means a better opportunity for realizing that hope dodge the bullet or not, make sure you are dealing with the REAL when you go looking.
Make sure that you believe in the honesty of disclosure and that you double check what you are told. Take nothing for granted and guard your pity for people with a long sad story.
What appears Fey, may not be, and when it lies, there danger lurks in a multiplicity of its forms.
Your mileage may vary:)
Dear Silvermoon,
I agree totally with your CONSERVATIVE approach…and the thing is, if you just met someone that is “hot” a week or two ago, and have sex with them YOU ARE TRUSTING YOUR LIFE THAT they will be 100% honest about what diseases they ahve or don’t have, and that they KNOW what diseases they have or don’t have.
A little dab of caution and waiting while TESTS are done before we crawl into the sack is in my opinion a good thing, and also to make as sure as I can that this person is not also sleeping with others AFTER the test…so a committed relationship AND safer sex. Takes away some of the risk hopefully.
I am 63 and in pretty good health now, but in general older folks are more likely to have health problems. I got to thinking about what kind of guy I would be interested in.
Like Henry said, people who have had strokes and are paralyzed on one side of their body deserve love as much as anyonoe, as much as a guy who is HIV+ say. But I am not going to go out and if I meet a guy that is paralyzed on one half of his body from a stroke, has to be cared for 24/7 and has lost the power to speak, I am NOT likely to want to marry him first off because I’m probably not going to have enough in common with him to fall in love with him.
If my late husband had HAD A STROKE THOUGH, I would have cared for him and stayed with him until either I couldn’t do it any more physically or he died. BECAUSE I loved him BEFORE the stroke.
But I am not going to meet a man who tells me “Oh, BTW, I’m HIV+” and not let that influence me whether I would date him or not. However, let’s say my late husband got a blood transfusion and he became HIV+ I would not leave him, because I loved him before he had the problem.
But that is just MY thinking, and there are lots of things besides strokes and HIV+ that would make me not want to continue a beginning relationship with someone, that if I was already IN the relationshnip might not make me even have a second thought about staying.
I slipped of the wagon of NC, and for 48 hours…sucombed to my “addiciton” and had another eppisode of painful emotional exhanges, that once agian have left me doubting my self.
I felt melancholy, and timely the S started bombarding me with private messages on FB, I ignored several until I fell into it and responded. We had a dialogue that went back and forth on what the “issues” were. As predicted, I was not validated and found amazing examples of lies, and turning things around to make themselves the victim.
I’d like to share a protion of the exchange as it related to my constant issue of him and other women….he goes as far as addmitting to using one of them as a DECOY?????
me: I realize now that no matter how much I loved you unconditionally, was willing to forget past agressions, be with you, and try to realize a future with you….it was never enough,…..there are allways other women.
Him: I cannot believe you wrote this line? Tell me you really believe! You have a habit of constantly reminding me of past issues. Other women will always be part of me life. Sorry you have an issue with this fact. I was honest with you about it until you went off the deep end! I saw there was no longer a point of being up front with you. It only angered you more.
me: I didn’t care that you remained friends with some, but you pushed the boundaries and disrespected me with your insistance on carriyng on with “C”.
Him: “C” was not involved! Not even a mild threat to you! Think of “C” as a decoy. You have no idea
Me: There were many tender loving moments, shared interests and good times.
Him: Yes I agree when it was good it was wonderful. You have no intentions of building a stronger relationship. Only getting pity for you pity party. (when I sought support from my family and they in turn refused him). Again I feel like the outsider. The few good times were great.
I still wonder weather I was over reacting and weather my sharing my problems with family to the point were they didn’t want to include him in our family functions was really all me…..and my doing.
I’m desperatly trying to “de-tox” again and have gone NC.
Dear Aeylah,
Sometimes there are reasons we fall off the wagon, go back, get out remaining questions, receive answers, clarity. Sometimes we just have to experience it a few times before it all starts to click…
In the exchanges you shared above… I see a kind, caring, giving, warm soul and I see a very self-centered, matter of fact, my way or the highway selfish soul…
When guys say they agree “When it was good – it was wonderful” — I translate it to mean ” when you put out and shut up about things you were uncomfortable with (other women, lying, manipulation) then I could carry on with you. But when you dont agree to build/continue on THAT way (him doing as he pleases, running around, playing mind games, etc)..then he has no interest in pursuing with you. When the reality is YOU were the one feeling uncomfortable and knew it wasnt right for you — so you spoke up because you didnt want to pursue with someone who you had to share with others (although he claims others were platonic you sensed it was more..)
A good caring loving guy would own up to his past issues NOT put you down for bringing up unresolved issues. Its his way of twisting it around to make you look like the “problem” the “bad one”… and that its all your fault.
You know how you felt. You know how he made you feel. Your family made their own choice – and thankfully protected you from him. All you did was stand up for yourself ( ya hooo) and stopped accepting less than you deserve! So glad you didnt agree to be one of his many!
I love how he says but I was honest with you about OTHER WOMEN..and that there will always be OTHER WOMEN…but when I told you about them it only angered you more! ha ha ha…men… he wanted you to be insecure and naiive and say ” oh baby, as long as I have you in my life thats all that matters…now go play away and have fun with anyone and everyone…ill be here wating for you!! BARFFFFF
Way to go Aeylah! ITS HIS LOSS! Stay NC and move on and connect with good healthy decent guys who know how to treat a woman, and know how to have female friends with boundaries and respect for his partner. Dont doubt yourself – you listened to what was right and wrong for you. He is wrong for you! Unless you are able to live not being able to have a voice or an opinon or respect for yourself when it comes to sharing a relationship! STAY STRONG!!! YOU SHOWED HIM!