Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.
I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.
Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots of requests for contact by men, most not suitable at all. Amongst the requests was one from a man whose profile was flawless. A person professionally employed with a good Christian background. Fit and healthy and having a teenage daughter in his care much of the time.
I accepted his contact request and we clicked straight away. Had lots in common, both employed in the medical profession, both had three children, he three grown daughters, me — three grown sons. Both loved walking, cycles, the outdoors, markets, gardening, same type of music. We chatted merrily away, night after night for hours, about anything and everything including things one only tells one’s closest friends.
For three weeks, until one nice pleasant but very quiet weekend afternoon, I went online and he was there. He said it would be nice to meet and have my company for a chat for an hour before he collected his daughter from his ex-wife’s. Sounded safe enough. And it was. I even thought he was nicer in person. When I left he asked if he could give me a kiss, and I accepted the small peck on the cheek. How lovely. What a gentleman, I thought. It left me wanting to see him again. The second time a week later when he invited me to his house he had lovely mood candles burning, a gorgeous meal prepared and the right soft music on. And there was that chemistry between us and he told me that he thought I was “hot.”
Notch on the bedpost
Very romantic and easy to communicate with. I was on another planet. But also I was vulnerable and found myself really liking and trusting David. And as the evening went by one thing led to another! Just perfect. Who could ask for anything more!
But make no mistake, once I had become a notch on his bedpost the conquest was over for him. The game had been played. And he was already well on his way in grooming his next victim online.
I know he is very selective, he picks only good, honest women with high morals, that way there are far less risks for him. And he told me nothing. Zero. He just stopped communicating with me. End of story.
I was left totally and utterly shattered and emotionally scarred by it. I saw him online chatting to others but he refused to acknowledge me.
So I chose to confront him personally. I jumped in my car and I drove the one hours drive to his place. (I knew he was home because he was online chatting to someone else at 10 p.m. but would not return my request for contact.) He was shocked to see me — totally. He could not look me in the face. He fidgeted and behaved much the same as a naughty boy who has been caught out but was too scared to admit it. He tried to maintain composure. He said that he is grieving for his mother who is dying from cancer. And that there isn’t anyone else and that he just wanted to be by himself. Then he stated that I was intelligent, good-looking and will find someone else. And he added, “We’ll both be fine. Everything will be alright.”
Talking with other women
The first time I initially had contact with David last year and after a couple of weeks chatting online he suggested communicating through MSN via internet email as it is more personal and that I didn’t need to go on the dating site to communicate as they are full of strange people wanting contact. He then hid his profile and I thought maybe I was special because he had given me his undivided attention. He then removed me from his “contacts” on the dating site.
But when I checked the online dating site, usually very late at night, there he was online, no doubt conversing to other women. I do recall in about the second week of chatting to him on the net and before I actually met him that David mentioned that he was on some type of suicide watch for a friend and may need to go in a hurry. Well that call came and he said he had to go and help his friend in need. The next evening on the net I remember him referring to it when asked by me, he said that it was a long, long night. “Someone was drunk in their car, and there were lots and lots of tears. But everything would be alright,” he said.
I was not to know then just how significant this was until weeks later when going over things again and again in my head. It all fell into place.
“Lots and lots of tears” obviously meant female. And I have now worked out that this female was likely a person he became involved with as he began chatting to me online. When her usefulness ceased, that is, he achieved his notch on the bedpost, he told her their relationship would not work. Yet another poor deluded soul, led to think there could be more but let down in a cold, callous and calculating manner.
Life lesson
So from all of this I strongly felt that David needed to be taught a real life lesson. Users on these dating sites are real life people with real feelings and emotions. I felt he needed to hurt, and in exactly the same way he was hurting vulnerable women who would open up to him — like myself.
Does not matter if you think you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox. If you are new to these dating sites — beware. You are raw meat. Ready for the taking. Long time players will regularly scour the new additions and quickly request contact before others do.
Read more: Online seduction and the dangers of online dating
Then when I began to play him at his own game I was terrified he would catch on straight away, as I find it near impossible to lie and keep a straight face. But remember that online, on internet dating sites, all that is being conveyed is around 25 percent of the actual communication.
The other person cannot see you, or you them. And I know that body language counts for around 75 percent of what is being conveyed. Could I do this? Could I carry off the lie? Well as it happened — yes, I could. Wasn’t as difficult as I thought. If he could see me he would have known, but he couldn’t.
I became Jo
I placed a new profile on the dating site and became “Jo” in late January 2010, and made up a background similar to my own. I felt myself writing what I knew he would want to hear. I needed him to take the bait. And he did. Almost instantly. It only confirmed to me what I had already discovered over recent months that did not quite add up.
David’s first contact with Jo was the day after his mother, whom he supposedly adored, died. Strange behaviour when one is grieving! Chatting on line for one hour to “Jo,” whom he knew nothing about, yet telling her that he had no one to hug!!!!!!
Then telling Jo that he has been on the site for over two years and hasn’t had any luck, and hasn’t had a date in 14 years! I thought and what about me, or the others, whom he just so readily discarded!!! Liar!
Also in the three weeks of being Jo online, David at no stage asked what line of work Jo was in, or even where Jo lived, which was good in one way, because I did not need to lie, however it did highlight how he was so self-focused.
My aim of playing him at his own game was to keep him interested, wanting more, wanting the real deal. Getting him to ask me to his place would be even better as I knew he would go to some length to get it right. Mood candles, soft music and red wine!
Agreed to meet
It happened just the way I planned on Friday evening, February 12, 2010. Three weeks after chatting to him online and developing a rapport, he was clearly very eager to meet Jo. No less than six times throughout chatting to him on Friday early evening he hinted at Jo meeting him with comments such as, “I had a delivery of wine today — come let’s try one.” “I might ask you over — or let my hormones take over.” “There’s at least seven bottles of red to choose from here — come choose one.” “You deserve a back rub for daring to talk about my mum and how I feel about it — no one else wants to know it happened.”
After stringing him along for awhile, Jo agreed to meet him at his place and he gave a very detailed description of how to get there in exactly the same way he had to me. Jo then left him with the final message of “Looking forward to meeting you. You sound so nice and friendly.” And, “I shall arrive in my nice shiny black convertible, shall I?” And he said, “So off ya go and come on over — much more fun talking than typing.” Of course Jo then did NOT turn up.
At 10:50 that night, David left a message for Jo online: “David wonders what happened to Jo — hope you weren’t snapped up by crocodile, not been fed to a shark — and that you didn’t do this to wind me up — though that would seem very out of character from the chats we had — catch you whenever I s’pose.”
And: “P.S. I would really like to honestly know what happened and why — so please chat and tell me.”
Just perfect, I thought. It would leave him now wondering why and maybe feeling rejected, just like I had.
Advice for Internet dating
Now, my advice to anyone new to any of the Internet dating sites is to first check out how long the other person has been on the site. If more than a few months, beware. Secondly, when you are communicating with someone on these sites, remember you are actually only getting about 25 percent of the communication. You do not see them or their body responses; all you get is a motionless computer screen. Thirdly, it might be wiser and safer to communicate only with other new users, and stay well away from those who have joined many, many months ago or years! Let the alarm bells ring.
When I joined again as Jo several months after the first time, there were again the same large group of men whom had requested contacts with me the first time!!!
In conclusion, David has an obsession with these sites, much the same way as an addict has to gambling or a smoker to smoking. The addiction is either about gaining power over women or is a sex addiction. Yet, in real life David functions at a high level. He does have friends and is quite social, even having a weekly home church group meeting at his house. Yet on the chat line he says he is alone and feels unwanted.
David lives in a fantasy world, in a made up one, when on the Internet. The real sad part of all of this for me is that underneath the entire act David puts on, he seems like a lovely man who is highly confused and has lost his way with reality.
Net addiction
Through personal research I have now found some good sites on the Internet that outline what “net addiction” or “Internet dating addiction” or “cyber-addiction” is. Internet addiction is a growing, serious public health issue. And those that are addicted can be quite callous towards unsuspecting others. America has even considered this cyber-addiction to be included in the DSM V of Mental Health Disorders. It can be seen as the new growing social cancer of our century.
But how David could do this to innocent women, and repetitively, knowing he has three teenage daughters himself, is beyond comprehension. How would he like it if one of his daughters fell foul to someone just like him?
Finally, if my story can just stop this from happening to other females then that is a bonus. If what I did by becoming the player myself hurts him like he has clearly and deliberately hurt many women over a lengthy period of time then I will be very happy indeed. And my job is done.
So regardless of where you live, not just Australia, let the Internet user beware. It could cost you significantly emotionally, which will take you a long time to recover from.
Playing “The Player”
Everyone comes into one’s life for a reason. And I now firmly believe David came into mine because I was the right person to take him on and turn the tables on him. By playing “The Player,” it gave me the chance to regain my self-esteem and confidence and gain some kind of closure. My aim was to show him that one cannot use and emotionally abuse innocent people who initially come online and are often very vulnerable by those who are masters at “the game.”
I think I will stay well away from the Internet dating sites for the time being. I need to heal and become the calm, relaxed person with the happy disposition I was before.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 2, 2010.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Thank you Learning!
I was really begining to question myself and my recollections of history and how I’ve dealt with it all. Despite all the reading I do here and in recommended books! ……still …..You’ve helped me validate and set again a healthy benchmark of what I forgot. Most important you’ve helped me deal with my feelings of guilt and shame at having contact again.
((hugs)))
Take it easy today Aeylah… its always an emotional rollercoaster when we have contact… dont feel guilty or ashamed …try to just go with the fact you had contact and you got from it… more of who he is and who you are… and that he isnt right for you.
Keep the perspective of what you want and deserve from a partner/ in a relationship and that he doesnt fit the criteria or offer you OR ANYONE consistency, truth, commitment, or healthy ways. And thankfully you dont fit his criteria of an insecure needy no matter how bad he treats you type of woman. You are willing to risk speaking up and protecting yourself rather than selling yourself short!
Time heals…no contact is best…but sometimes we fall off the wagon and thats ok… it ends up reminding us why our journey with them ended…they are no good for us!!! ((hugs)) STAY STRONG – you did nothing wrong!! xo
Aylah I fell off the wagon and under the wagon countless times. I even hid the fact he was back from my family because I knew they didnt like him or like what was going on with me. I would even try to convince my family that it was all my fault and he was really a good guy and that this time it would work. It would last a week or two then bam right back to chaos..I think it is part of the process of the illusion dying a slow painful death. for me I finally got to the point it didnt matter who’s fault it was, this just simply had to stop, even if he was the love of my life (not) I had to let him go (make him leave) over the past two years of no contact I have waffled with my emotions for him – was he the one? was it my fault? what could I of done differently? but those are question I ask the illusion. He lied, he cheated, he stole, he disrespected me, that was not an illusion..But the illusion was a powerful thing, at least now I know the difference.
Learnign,
xo’s back at ya! I feel better allready….hope it’s sunny and warm were you are…have a great day!
Henry,
Your experience with hiding your relationship from your family over and over sounds just like mine! THEY KNEW HE WAS NO GOOD….yet I defended him time and time again right while he was abusing me, lying, cheating, and stealling my talents and time at the same time…just when I had had enough, he would do something wonderfull and turn loving and giving…….untill I came out of the closet the last time I took him back and no one in my family wanted to talk to me…..my friends abandoned me….example of how they allianate you from your family and everyone else.
It’s seems so true that we have to experience the “death of the illusion” so slowly and painfully….I so relate to your last statements …thank you for sharing.
((hugs)))
Aeylah:
Dont beat yourself up……
I think your contact was great….for clarity of “
Aeylah,
I want to thank you. You see, my hands were trembling with pen and paper a little while ago. I wanted to write to him and tell him I’ve missed our laughter and the lightness of his step in the house when he was mirthful and the sound of his voice telling me stories about anything as I listened to them with my ear pressed to his chest as we lay in bed and talked at night.
Oh and there is so much exciting news to share. We would laugh and giggle about things so. But when the serious parts came, he would suddenly have to get up and go somewhere- like on a date with another woman.
Thank you for reminding ME. Your story is pwoerful and resonating. And like so may of these difficult stories on LF it helps other people so very, very much when you share.
Don’t beat yourself up. Its a very compelling tempatation over and over again. Now you are clearer and because you found that clarity, you have saved others who read here.
If we were a brigade, I’d give you a medal of valor for sharing and for doing it in a way which provides such deep insight to others.
How about virtual hugs?
Dear Silvermoon,
“Virtual hug”….love it! and back at ya… thank you….also love your dreamy description.
The tender picute you paint of of a loving couple intimately sharing stories delighted by soft giggles and so on, have a beautiful dreamy quality …the seductive aroma of love…..all is perfectly well with the S, until the dream evaporate when serious or real life issues have to be discussed….than he runs away to someone else arms in search if the dream again.
Classic NSP….. want to live in a constant state of honey moon. with a floded state of elevated endorphines and dopamines in their brain…..when you no longer provide them “they loose the high and they have to turn to someone else to get it from. The ohter woman….or man…..
They are emotional stunted children in adult bodies who’s pleasesure centers are overactive and the reasoning, impulsive cognitive center is dead. They simply dont want to feel any “pain or discomfort” ….and do not get it that they cause that to ohters in their insatiable search….hence forth their lack of empathy.
Mine did the same thing….he would leave in the middle of the night, if and whenever the conversation and the mood turned to a subject he couldn’t “deal with”….allways to get comfort and the fix from some else.
This undestanding and clarity dosent come easy.
GOOD FOR YOU FOR NOT WRITTING THE LETTER….. I’m glad my post helped a little in that decision.
Namastee……
Aeylah and Silvermoon,
Both of your stories about wanting to write to the bad man reminded me of a guy I lived with on and off for 3 years that I considered as my husband. I realize in retrospect that he had at very least some sociopathic tendencies. He was very selfish, and I constantly felt neglected. I kept writing out my feelings in letters, and he would ignore them. I finally woke up and smelled the coffee when he callously left me for a long distance relationship that he’d never even met, while we were still living together! It took a long time, even after that, to realize that he had never loved me in the first place. He would throw crumbs every once in a while–buy me a gift or tell me he loved me and didn’t want me to leave. Then he’d go right back to his selfish ways.
I guess I’m still bitter about this experience which was many years ago. For those of you that have a man like this (sounds like many of yours are much worse), I hope you don’t waste your time like I did, believing deep down that he really loves you. He doesn’t. Get out, and get on with your life.
Would you believe that I still have dreams about him even though we’ve been broken up for almost 10 years? In my heart, he was my husband, even though it was only common law. Though I moved on and dated several men since him, including the sociopath I came here over, he still haunts my psyche.
Wow, I didn’t realize how bitter I am.
Star,
Its amazing how long the haunting lasts! And how new it is everytime it comes up. Torturous over years- torturous!
Your words are so important: the belief that he loves is deep down in us, not in them.
Key that we can change ourselves and how we respond to situations and very little we can do to affect others.
We can’t make them love us, and they can’t stop us from loving them.
Really makes me want to understand the connections. Is it true that everyone we meet is come to us for a reason beyond this world to resolve a karmic issue and that we don’t meet souls we did not already know?
The research on it is compelling.
The thing about those kinds of encounters is that they can be good or bad. Whatever happens in them is so much more intense than it might be with partners to whom we have no other connection. And compelling in that strange way where we want so very much for these to reciprocate the love we believe.
There are psychological and physical aspects of these relationships that make it easier to fathom right here right now on this plane. I find they help me tremendously with understanding the reality of what happened to me.
And it has to do with family relationships throughout my entire life. It just seems like the purpose of the experience to to create the tear down that must follow the encouter with these disordered.
And then the rebuilding.
Its about letting go. I come to this like a parrot who has only one thing to say, but I can not see anything else to be true about it. If I hold on to him in my heart or in my mind or in my bed – in any way, I will suffer the worse and the longer for it.
I always come back to letting go of him with the love I felt- as though I have put him in a package full of peanuts. Millions of them- all the tender thoughts and sweet kisses, all the giggles and touches- all of it. And mailed them off into the ether.
Because I have to move, get a job, take an AIDS test and make it to therapy on time and the insult of his pretended love is a lurking in the shadows of those gentle thoughts like a ninja ready to strike.
I’m saving the ninja for the legal action which is the result of his masquerade. After which, the thing will be passed and I must move on to the next chapter.
Damn the courts and atorneys and process servers for being so slow and so impossible to get anything done directly! Damn that he costs me so much in time and pain and cash! Damn if I will let him haunt me a day past the ending – the cost already too dear for what he gave to me!