Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.
I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.
Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots of requests for contact by men, most not suitable at all. Amongst the requests was one from a man whose profile was flawless. A person professionally employed with a good Christian background. Fit and healthy and having a teenage daughter in his care much of the time.
I accepted his contact request and we clicked straight away. Had lots in common, both employed in the medical profession, both had three children, he three grown daughters, me — three grown sons. Both loved walking, cycles, the outdoors, markets, gardening, same type of music. We chatted merrily away, night after night for hours, about anything and everything including things one only tells one’s closest friends.
For three weeks, until one nice pleasant but very quiet weekend afternoon, I went online and he was there. He said it would be nice to meet and have my company for a chat for an hour before he collected his daughter from his ex-wife’s. Sounded safe enough. And it was. I even thought he was nicer in person. When I left he asked if he could give me a kiss, and I accepted the small peck on the cheek. How lovely. What a gentleman, I thought. It left me wanting to see him again. The second time a week later when he invited me to his house he had lovely mood candles burning, a gorgeous meal prepared and the right soft music on. And there was that chemistry between us and he told me that he thought I was “hot.”
Notch on the bedpost
Very romantic and easy to communicate with. I was on another planet. But also I was vulnerable and found myself really liking and trusting David. And as the evening went by one thing led to another! Just perfect. Who could ask for anything more!
But make no mistake, once I had become a notch on his bedpost the conquest was over for him. The game had been played. And he was already well on his way in grooming his next victim online.
I know he is very selective, he picks only good, honest women with high morals, that way there are far less risks for him. And he told me nothing. Zero. He just stopped communicating with me. End of story.
I was left totally and utterly shattered and emotionally scarred by it. I saw him online chatting to others but he refused to acknowledge me.
So I chose to confront him personally. I jumped in my car and I drove the one hours drive to his place. (I knew he was home because he was online chatting to someone else at 10 p.m. but would not return my request for contact.) He was shocked to see me — totally. He could not look me in the face. He fidgeted and behaved much the same as a naughty boy who has been caught out but was too scared to admit it. He tried to maintain composure. He said that he is grieving for his mother who is dying from cancer. And that there isn’t anyone else and that he just wanted to be by himself. Then he stated that I was intelligent, good-looking and will find someone else. And he added, “We’ll both be fine. Everything will be alright.”
Talking with other women
The first time I initially had contact with David last year and after a couple of weeks chatting online he suggested communicating through MSN via internet email as it is more personal and that I didn’t need to go on the dating site to communicate as they are full of strange people wanting contact. He then hid his profile and I thought maybe I was special because he had given me his undivided attention. He then removed me from his “contacts” on the dating site.
But when I checked the online dating site, usually very late at night, there he was online, no doubt conversing to other women. I do recall in about the second week of chatting to him on the net and before I actually met him that David mentioned that he was on some type of suicide watch for a friend and may need to go in a hurry. Well that call came and he said he had to go and help his friend in need. The next evening on the net I remember him referring to it when asked by me, he said that it was a long, long night. “Someone was drunk in their car, and there were lots and lots of tears. But everything would be alright,” he said.
I was not to know then just how significant this was until weeks later when going over things again and again in my head. It all fell into place.
“Lots and lots of tears” obviously meant female. And I have now worked out that this female was likely a person he became involved with as he began chatting to me online. When her usefulness ceased, that is, he achieved his notch on the bedpost, he told her their relationship would not work. Yet another poor deluded soul, led to think there could be more but let down in a cold, callous and calculating manner.
Life lesson
So from all of this I strongly felt that David needed to be taught a real life lesson. Users on these dating sites are real life people with real feelings and emotions. I felt he needed to hurt, and in exactly the same way he was hurting vulnerable women who would open up to him — like myself.
Does not matter if you think you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox. If you are new to these dating sites — beware. You are raw meat. Ready for the taking. Long time players will regularly scour the new additions and quickly request contact before others do.
Read more: Online seduction and the dangers of online dating
Then when I began to play him at his own game I was terrified he would catch on straight away, as I find it near impossible to lie and keep a straight face. But remember that online, on internet dating sites, all that is being conveyed is around 25 percent of the actual communication.
The other person cannot see you, or you them. And I know that body language counts for around 75 percent of what is being conveyed. Could I do this? Could I carry off the lie? Well as it happened — yes, I could. Wasn’t as difficult as I thought. If he could see me he would have known, but he couldn’t.
I became Jo
I placed a new profile on the dating site and became “Jo” in late January 2010, and made up a background similar to my own. I felt myself writing what I knew he would want to hear. I needed him to take the bait. And he did. Almost instantly. It only confirmed to me what I had already discovered over recent months that did not quite add up.
David’s first contact with Jo was the day after his mother, whom he supposedly adored, died. Strange behaviour when one is grieving! Chatting on line for one hour to “Jo,” whom he knew nothing about, yet telling her that he had no one to hug!!!!!!
Then telling Jo that he has been on the site for over two years and hasn’t had any luck, and hasn’t had a date in 14 years! I thought and what about me, or the others, whom he just so readily discarded!!! Liar!
Also in the three weeks of being Jo online, David at no stage asked what line of work Jo was in, or even where Jo lived, which was good in one way, because I did not need to lie, however it did highlight how he was so self-focused.
My aim of playing him at his own game was to keep him interested, wanting more, wanting the real deal. Getting him to ask me to his place would be even better as I knew he would go to some length to get it right. Mood candles, soft music and red wine!
Agreed to meet
It happened just the way I planned on Friday evening, February 12, 2010. Three weeks after chatting to him online and developing a rapport, he was clearly very eager to meet Jo. No less than six times throughout chatting to him on Friday early evening he hinted at Jo meeting him with comments such as, “I had a delivery of wine today — come let’s try one.” “I might ask you over — or let my hormones take over.” “There’s at least seven bottles of red to choose from here — come choose one.” “You deserve a back rub for daring to talk about my mum and how I feel about it — no one else wants to know it happened.”
After stringing him along for awhile, Jo agreed to meet him at his place and he gave a very detailed description of how to get there in exactly the same way he had to me. Jo then left him with the final message of “Looking forward to meeting you. You sound so nice and friendly.” And, “I shall arrive in my nice shiny black convertible, shall I?” And he said, “So off ya go and come on over — much more fun talking than typing.” Of course Jo then did NOT turn up.
At 10:50 that night, David left a message for Jo online: “David wonders what happened to Jo — hope you weren’t snapped up by crocodile, not been fed to a shark — and that you didn’t do this to wind me up — though that would seem very out of character from the chats we had — catch you whenever I s’pose.”
And: “P.S. I would really like to honestly know what happened and why — so please chat and tell me.”
Just perfect, I thought. It would leave him now wondering why and maybe feeling rejected, just like I had.
Advice for Internet dating
Now, my advice to anyone new to any of the Internet dating sites is to first check out how long the other person has been on the site. If more than a few months, beware. Secondly, when you are communicating with someone on these sites, remember you are actually only getting about 25 percent of the communication. You do not see them or their body responses; all you get is a motionless computer screen. Thirdly, it might be wiser and safer to communicate only with other new users, and stay well away from those who have joined many, many months ago or years! Let the alarm bells ring.
When I joined again as Jo several months after the first time, there were again the same large group of men whom had requested contacts with me the first time!!!
In conclusion, David has an obsession with these sites, much the same way as an addict has to gambling or a smoker to smoking. The addiction is either about gaining power over women or is a sex addiction. Yet, in real life David functions at a high level. He does have friends and is quite social, even having a weekly home church group meeting at his house. Yet on the chat line he says he is alone and feels unwanted.
David lives in a fantasy world, in a made up one, when on the Internet. The real sad part of all of this for me is that underneath the entire act David puts on, he seems like a lovely man who is highly confused and has lost his way with reality.
Net addiction
Through personal research I have now found some good sites on the Internet that outline what “net addiction” or “Internet dating addiction” or “cyber-addiction” is. Internet addiction is a growing, serious public health issue. And those that are addicted can be quite callous towards unsuspecting others. America has even considered this cyber-addiction to be included in the DSM V of Mental Health Disorders. It can be seen as the new growing social cancer of our century.
But how David could do this to innocent women, and repetitively, knowing he has three teenage daughters himself, is beyond comprehension. How would he like it if one of his daughters fell foul to someone just like him?
Finally, if my story can just stop this from happening to other females then that is a bonus. If what I did by becoming the player myself hurts him like he has clearly and deliberately hurt many women over a lengthy period of time then I will be very happy indeed. And my job is done.
So regardless of where you live, not just Australia, let the Internet user beware. It could cost you significantly emotionally, which will take you a long time to recover from.
Playing “The Player”
Everyone comes into one’s life for a reason. And I now firmly believe David came into mine because I was the right person to take him on and turn the tables on him. By playing “The Player,” it gave me the chance to regain my self-esteem and confidence and gain some kind of closure. My aim was to show him that one cannot use and emotionally abuse innocent people who initially come online and are often very vulnerable by those who are masters at “the game.”
I think I will stay well away from the Internet dating sites for the time being. I need to heal and become the calm, relaxed person with the happy disposition I was before.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 2, 2010.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Dear Gem, thanks back to you! When I was doing the packing of my kitchen, one more thing came to my mind: Beethoven was completely deaf when he composed this wonderful music.
He could only listen to it in his heart, therefore I think it has some sober even sad tunes in it as well, and one has to listen to the whole and not just to the “fun” famous one tiny bit of the sung part, to get the “whole flavour” of the idea behind (that every joy has some background sadness, which generates TRUE joy and not just cheerio funny easygoing outbursts of cheap laughter).
I am glad you liked it. Have a wonderful day!
Gem,
I can imagine how horribly difficult your situation is.
There are so many children who would benefit so much from caring like yours. I hope you find a way to reach your grandchildren and I hope a door somewhere opens to receive the love you have to give.
There is family here. And I believe that grandmothers like you are rare and wonderful. I, like others here, am grateful for your words and spirit and share the experience of betrayal – as time goes on for us both and all, I hope we will find common cause in helping others in this experience young and old alike.
Stargazer;
I do not think Jamie was lying about his childhood; it is was his adulthood that was a lie, albeit mostly one of omission.
Interesting that you mention bizarre behavior; this fits Jamie to a tee. But at the time, I attributed his bizarre to him being British, which added to his charm. The first couple of nights I go out with him and his friends. Jamie, compared to them, was quiet well-behaved and appeared very interested in me.
One of those nights, I spent mostly alone with Jamie and I was up front and honest about everything in my life. I was under tremendous job pressure, I had health problems and was just over a short-term relationship that left me very sad. Disillusioned, but I was also optimistic and looking forward to the future. Jamie said he had gone through some rough stuff (including a short-term relationship) and was disillusioned, but optimistic as well. I also told Jamie I was tired of games, dishonesty, cheating, etc., that the next person I dated I was going to treat exactly like I would hope to be treated. I talked about honesty and communication. Plus, I wanted something real and all that entailed, for better or for worse. He agreed to that too.
I then asked him if he wanted to go on a real date with me and he agreed. Jamie and I parted, I hopped in a taxi and before I was home, I received and email from Jamie how much he was looking forward to the following evening.
We met as plan on a beautiful, cool, clear night in Manhattan. We walked around a bit. I told him dinner’s on me and took him to a quaint, but legendary restaurant, right out of “Sex in the City.”
We were having a wonderful time. After dinner, I asked him if he wanted to go back to my place. Jamie looked at me, “you are too intense for me,” got up and walked out.
Outside, Jamie was pacing back and forth, “You offended my British reservedness.” I apologized, also stating that I implied nothing by that even reminding him that I was still very sick and sex was not a good idea. I told him I simply wanted to spend some quiet time alone with him. “Let’s go to a pub instead.”
We stayed out until 4 AM talking. When we parted, I felt really down. Clearly, he was different from anyone I had ever met and I thought that by appearing to move fast, I had given him a wrong impression of me. The next day he left for England and I did not hear from him until the day after.
The first email I received from Jamie was cold and short, but soon I was bombarded by text messages from him. “I like your openness… I need to be more open. .. I really want to get to know you better…” Even though he was 3000 miles away, I felt very connected and we texted, emailed and talked daily.
“I am coming back to New York the weekend after next.” I asked him where he would be staying. “They now put us up outside the city near the airport to save money.” I told him I could easily meet him.
“Errr, uhhh, my flight gets in late and I will be tired. Can’t we just talk on the phone?” Here we go again… This time I am starting to think he is hiding something, perhaps a relationship with a fellow attendant, but he told me he was not seeing anyone. When I explained toJamie that New York trains run all night (unlike England), he was surprised to learn this and then thought it would be alright to come see him.
At this point, I changed my thoughts and again presumed Jamie simply was trying to avoid sex before he knew me better. We had talked about this and agreed to go slow.
Again, I thought my actions implied otherwise. I called him and told him that since I was sick, maybe it was a better idea for me to not meet him, and we would just talk on the phone instead. That Saturday night, precisely as planned, he called me at 11:00 PM and we talked until about 3:00 AM. The next day, he called me and we talked for a couple hours more before his flight back to England.
Jamie was not “love at first sight” for me. Each time we went out or talked, I felt closer and closer to him. By this point, I was sold on the fact that I had found somebody truly special and rare, a gay man who does not jump into bed at the first opportunity. I was so much looking forward to spending more time with him. It was going to be a great Christmas and New Year.
It was the next weekend when he came and stayed at my place and the drama of that night and the next day occurred.
The lies? There are several, The most important of which being that we were dating, not just hanging out as friends. By him not being able to tell me about his HIV status, I was effectively excluded from being able to truly get close to him.
Jaime sounds a lot like some one I know….
What may in fact be true is that nothing he told you is true.
I had the pleasure of that discovery because I could talk to his legal wife and compare notes. Things just were not what he said. At all.
That part is really hard because when you feel someone is special and that the feeling is mutal and real why would you question and upend everything they say by researching it.
Was he really in England? Was he really with someone else? Was he really at that hotel?
Mine had the ability to maintain over 30 realtionships with other people on email and by phone right under my nose – we were rarely apart out of the house for months. We travelled together and we did everything together. Often spending the whole days in sight of each other.
Yet when he was arrested and I had occasion to start doing homework, I was amazed and what was going on right in front of me. He had lied about where he came from and when, about being married, about being faithful about who he is and what he had done before.
And he lied about where he went when he left me to go to the grocery store or to meet friends he said he had but I never met and to the other women about making dates and not showing up.
But, a lie by comission is as bad as one of omission. There is so rarely in these cases a careless mistake of the ommission of important information or the misgiving of information which is not true.
And what follows is a period of obsessing about finding what is true and being haunted by what felt so real and so special.
Its tough stuff.
The point of it is understanding that the person you were feeling close to was invented for your benefit No doubt if you had truly known him, you wouldn’t have been so engaged with this person and he knew it too, so he created the illusion for you to fall for.
What is so awful about falling for an illusion is that when you see through it, you fall hard and flat and it hurts.
The other night I found a good article here written by Donna Andersen that points out that remembering what was good is ok and in fact its better to allow yourself to remember what was good than to fight what was bad because of the way the brain works. Remembering good times and bad happen in different parts of your brain.
It helped me a lot and may be useful to you.
Dear Blue_eyes,
When you told himm what you wanted and expected in a relationship, he “mirrored you” in other words, said back to you “oh, yes, that is what I want too” and then played “hard to get” to make that seem real.
All the while not being truthfull with you, figuring I am guessing if he was honest with you, you wouldn’t sleep with him, so he would lead you on and then when the time came jump into your bed.
Closeness is not something that they can really comprehend. To them sex is sex is sex, and they are mostly neither gay nor straight (though some are) but they are NEVER just with one person, they need and want and require “variety” and many times they don’t really care what the sex of the other one is. Just SOMEONE.
For normal people sex is a bonding ritual, but not them. They can’t bond, so it is just like animals sex. Whatever they have to say or do to get it.
Don’t take it “personally” though, he would have treated anyone that way, not just you. They treat everyone that way.
Very true – they do haunt us. Long after they are gone from our lives. I too fell off the NC wagon several times – the need for validation of what he did to me and how he wronged me was very stong. I didn’t even want to get back with him – I knew by that point there was no hope as he is a P. I just wanted him to admit to his wrongdoings towards me and recognise the impact of the hurt and torment and pain he brought into my life. And each time I tried to get that validation I would get slapped down and blamed for everything that went wrong.
There is no closure with these monsters. We create closure for ourselves by doing NC even though it is hard. As we gradually distance and start to accept the permanent nature of their affliction we can realise that we had no choice but to walk away. Hens I like that you said “Even if he was the one. Even if he was my true love I had to end it.” (or something like that!) I got to that point as well – even if he was the fated one I was meant tobe with as he often liked to say, I couldn’t live with the craziness and pain he brought into my life any more.
I ended it in tears, confusion,pain, guilt and sorrow = more than anything regret for the wasted years I spent with him that will never be mine again. I felt angry with him for not being honest. I couldn’t believe I had been used in such a callous way for ten years by someone who didn’t care about me at all – someone who took my dreams and squashed them in front of my eyes. But it was true. And it is true. Back when I ended it, I didn’t KNOW it was true – I just had to trust and take the leap into the unknown. But I am ever so glad I did take that leap.
I had not a friend in the world when I left him but he had loads. I knew that leaving him would mean he’d lose me the joint friends we had so I couldn’t count on anyone who had been in our mutual social circles – he told them all lies of course about me and all the terrible things I did. It was my fault and he was perfect. So not only did I have to deal with the pain of losing the dream and a daily reality I was used to, I had to suffer the injustice of being maligned by people who had no idea of what he was. There were days when the injustice of it made me burn with rage incomparable to anything I ever experienced in my life. And now he has lied about settlement to make me look like a bitch and him again the innocent victim of my machinations. I see it on people’s faces – they don’t even have to say a thing. So the writing of history is all false and all i n his favor and because I am not in contact with them there is no way to refute what he says. It’s hard.
I live for the day when he slips up and they all finally see what he is. I live and breathe for that day. They may not know he’s a psycho but they will see that something is terribly wrong with him and he doesn’t behave in normal ways. He is no example of how to live – his life is falling apart – no car, no house, no possessions because that’s the way he wanted it and that’s how he plays it. He doesn’t want any responsibility in life so that’s what he’s chosen. I on the other hand have worked hard to build a solid nest of assets and I intend to keep them – I drew a line in the sand with him when I really realised what he was and said
“You are not taking any more things from me – you have taken my dignity, my money, my time, my love, my goodwill and support, my ideas to appropriate as your own, my intimacy, my hope, my trust and my joy … and you squandered all of it. So now you get nothing more from me to waste – the pot is dry and I am done with you.”
I feel much more powerful now – just a few months away from them can make all the difference. I KNOW I can make it now. I really doubted that when I left him – I was jumping out into make believe territory even though I have survived life alone in the past. He almost made me believe I was nothing without him – almost. And now he is the one who is nothing to me. I don’t hate him, I don’t love him, I recognise what he is and that he’ll never change. I don’t pity him anymore, I don’t feel sorry for him. I think he is pathetic and all the revenge in the world I could take against him won’t be a patch on what he’ll do to sabotage his own life. I just stand back and watch and he does the rest.
To those still struggling with love feelings, what helped me more than anything was reading lots and UNDERSTANDING deeply that this is a permanent affliction – there is no cure and no hope for anything better. Once I saw that, i reminded myself lots that he never loved me and I loved an illusion – those thoughts made the split so much easier for me. I hope they will for you too.
It’s a beautiful world without them!
Pollyananomore – You described the way I felt/feel to a T. There is no closure, I suspect his memory will always be with me, but the memory is bittersweet, all the good things we did are tarnished and fading because of what he is and what I know he is capable of. All my X’s friends were new friends, the ones i met were bar or party friends and that is as far as it went. I am lucky in that aspect, I dont know where he is or how he is. I could find out if I wanted but i dont care. He will survive, this I am sure of. I think THEY are very adapt at surviving , that is all they know how to do anyway they can. And I think he lives in fear – of him self..And yes it is a beautiful world with out them aint it~!
Behind Blue Eyes – I am not current on your story, but it seems to me this guy was afraid to tell you he was hiv+ for fear of rejection. Or did I miss a big peice of the story?
Haunting is another great description of what they do to our soul. They change the electrical wiring and chimical composition of our brains in the way we now perceive and relate to love, compasion, and trust. It’s hard to re-program.
They play us hard…..They make sure we dont forget them……I was just “haunted” with another fake letter of appology ….this came AFTER my last respnce to him when I fell off the NC wagon I blogged about a couple of days ago…and way after I had allready kicked him to the curb.
Him: “I would like to apologize for making you hurt, angry, causing you pain or anguish and discomfort of any kind. As I thought I could be or was the one to assist or share in happiness with us being together.
I am convinced now, I am not the one.
I do sincerely hope you find the love, caring you desire and happiness you truly deserve.”
I got this one before I blocked him and I did not respond…..still it left me wondering if he really meant it.
I know it cant be real! but he still haunts my soul.
Yes Hens – it is horrific to recount all the special moments or should I say ‘special’ moments and realise you were alone in them. The monster was just play acting for your benefit to fool you and there were no real emotions ever there. That is what was so hard for me to accept when I realised he is a P. I had to rake through every memory I could dredge up and would think back to all the nuances that never made sense from him – his silences, or his lack of enthusiasm – he always made excuses of course ” I’m just tired” or “i don’t want to get too worked up about it in case it doesn’t happen” – always a rationalisation and I like an idiot bought them all one by one.
BUT when I realised, a strong light was cast on all those times that I could recall – much of the relationship I can’t recall – it is like a murky and hazy soup that I struggle to grasp details from. I have been able to recall every other period of my life but the time with him. I find that odd – maybe my heart doesn’t want me to remember too much at once. Just the parts I recalled were enough to fill me with an intense mix of rage and sorrow and regret. How can a person say they love you and be lying about it? How can they waste years of your life in running around after them? How can they be that selfish?
Well it all makes sense when we consider what they are. I still keep a look out at his life falling apart – it affirms my decision to leave him and my suspsicion that he was riding on me and draining me of my life to keep his on the straight and narrow. I never knew what he was like without me but now I do. Of course he will blame his irrational behaviour since the split on me as well – he is grief stricken and finding the adjustment too difficult. He ensured I had no friends I could turn to when I left him – he left me with no money, definitely no self esteem and no confidence. So it makes me glad inside to see he isn’t doing so well in his solo life without me. Let’s me see all the cracks I was plugging with my tears and fire quenching activities on his behalf. I now have so much time and energy to put into myself and healing from this. I had forgotten who I was.
Life is marvellous without them. I see some newish posters here agonising about whether to leave or not and I want to say to them “JUMP!!!! This person has you convinced that you will die without them but you really won’t – life will be so much better if you just give it a try!”
But I remember that when I was just realising I didn’t want to hear people telling me to leave. I also remember that leaving them isn’t always quick and simple – my own leaving has taken almost three years but I am finally free and have been away from him for almost six months now. They make the leaving as bad as the staying very often and leave their targets without the means to leave – that’s what mine did to me. So I don’t try to convince them now. People come to realisation in their own time and when they’re ready to make the move then they do it. It takes time to build the strength and self belief to be able to leave as the psyche takes a beating from the abuse from the P. Mine certainly did – while with him I built myself slowly up over a period of years starting from the outside with clothes and working in. It took me years to get there. I wish though I had just left all those years ago. I would have recovered quicker on my own away from his craziness. It was one step forward and three back being with him even with conscious effort!
Glad to see you’re feeling stronger now Hens – you deserve it and love will come along for both of us when the time is right. I do believe that. 🙂