Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.
I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.
Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots of requests for contact by men, most not suitable at all. Amongst the requests was one from a man whose profile was flawless. A person professionally employed with a good Christian background. Fit and healthy and having a teenage daughter in his care much of the time.
I accepted his contact request and we clicked straight away. Had lots in common, both employed in the medical profession, both had three children, he three grown daughters, me — three grown sons. Both loved walking, cycles, the outdoors, markets, gardening, same type of music. We chatted merrily away, night after night for hours, about anything and everything including things one only tells one’s closest friends.
For three weeks, until one nice pleasant but very quiet weekend afternoon, I went online and he was there. He said it would be nice to meet and have my company for a chat for an hour before he collected his daughter from his ex-wife’s. Sounded safe enough. And it was. I even thought he was nicer in person. When I left he asked if he could give me a kiss, and I accepted the small peck on the cheek. How lovely. What a gentleman, I thought. It left me wanting to see him again. The second time a week later when he invited me to his house he had lovely mood candles burning, a gorgeous meal prepared and the right soft music on. And there was that chemistry between us and he told me that he thought I was “hot.”
Notch on the bedpost
Very romantic and easy to communicate with. I was on another planet. But also I was vulnerable and found myself really liking and trusting David. And as the evening went by one thing led to another! Just perfect. Who could ask for anything more!
But make no mistake, once I had become a notch on his bedpost the conquest was over for him. The game had been played. And he was already well on his way in grooming his next victim online.
I know he is very selective, he picks only good, honest women with high morals, that way there are far less risks for him. And he told me nothing. Zero. He just stopped communicating with me. End of story.
I was left totally and utterly shattered and emotionally scarred by it. I saw him online chatting to others but he refused to acknowledge me.
So I chose to confront him personally. I jumped in my car and I drove the one hours drive to his place. (I knew he was home because he was online chatting to someone else at 10 p.m. but would not return my request for contact.) He was shocked to see me — totally. He could not look me in the face. He fidgeted and behaved much the same as a naughty boy who has been caught out but was too scared to admit it. He tried to maintain composure. He said that he is grieving for his mother who is dying from cancer. And that there isn’t anyone else and that he just wanted to be by himself. Then he stated that I was intelligent, good-looking and will find someone else. And he added, “We’ll both be fine. Everything will be alright.”
Talking with other women
The first time I initially had contact with David last year and after a couple of weeks chatting online he suggested communicating through MSN via internet email as it is more personal and that I didn’t need to go on the dating site to communicate as they are full of strange people wanting contact. He then hid his profile and I thought maybe I was special because he had given me his undivided attention. He then removed me from his “contacts” on the dating site.
But when I checked the online dating site, usually very late at night, there he was online, no doubt conversing to other women. I do recall in about the second week of chatting to him on the net and before I actually met him that David mentioned that he was on some type of suicide watch for a friend and may need to go in a hurry. Well that call came and he said he had to go and help his friend in need. The next evening on the net I remember him referring to it when asked by me, he said that it was a long, long night. “Someone was drunk in their car, and there were lots and lots of tears. But everything would be alright,” he said.
I was not to know then just how significant this was until weeks later when going over things again and again in my head. It all fell into place.
“Lots and lots of tears” obviously meant female. And I have now worked out that this female was likely a person he became involved with as he began chatting to me online. When her usefulness ceased, that is, he achieved his notch on the bedpost, he told her their relationship would not work. Yet another poor deluded soul, led to think there could be more but let down in a cold, callous and calculating manner.
Life lesson
So from all of this I strongly felt that David needed to be taught a real life lesson. Users on these dating sites are real life people with real feelings and emotions. I felt he needed to hurt, and in exactly the same way he was hurting vulnerable women who would open up to him — like myself.
Does not matter if you think you are the sharpest tool in the toolbox. If you are new to these dating sites — beware. You are raw meat. Ready for the taking. Long time players will regularly scour the new additions and quickly request contact before others do.
Read more: Online seduction and the dangers of online dating
Then when I began to play him at his own game I was terrified he would catch on straight away, as I find it near impossible to lie and keep a straight face. But remember that online, on internet dating sites, all that is being conveyed is around 25 percent of the actual communication.
The other person cannot see you, or you them. And I know that body language counts for around 75 percent of what is being conveyed. Could I do this? Could I carry off the lie? Well as it happened — yes, I could. Wasn’t as difficult as I thought. If he could see me he would have known, but he couldn’t.
I became Jo
I placed a new profile on the dating site and became “Jo” in late January 2010, and made up a background similar to my own. I felt myself writing what I knew he would want to hear. I needed him to take the bait. And he did. Almost instantly. It only confirmed to me what I had already discovered over recent months that did not quite add up.
David’s first contact with Jo was the day after his mother, whom he supposedly adored, died. Strange behaviour when one is grieving! Chatting on line for one hour to “Jo,” whom he knew nothing about, yet telling her that he had no one to hug!!!!!!
Then telling Jo that he has been on the site for over two years and hasn’t had any luck, and hasn’t had a date in 14 years! I thought and what about me, or the others, whom he just so readily discarded!!! Liar!
Also in the three weeks of being Jo online, David at no stage asked what line of work Jo was in, or even where Jo lived, which was good in one way, because I did not need to lie, however it did highlight how he was so self-focused.
My aim of playing him at his own game was to keep him interested, wanting more, wanting the real deal. Getting him to ask me to his place would be even better as I knew he would go to some length to get it right. Mood candles, soft music and red wine!
Agreed to meet
It happened just the way I planned on Friday evening, February 12, 2010. Three weeks after chatting to him online and developing a rapport, he was clearly very eager to meet Jo. No less than six times throughout chatting to him on Friday early evening he hinted at Jo meeting him with comments such as, “I had a delivery of wine today — come let’s try one.” “I might ask you over — or let my hormones take over.” “There’s at least seven bottles of red to choose from here — come choose one.” “You deserve a back rub for daring to talk about my mum and how I feel about it — no one else wants to know it happened.”
After stringing him along for awhile, Jo agreed to meet him at his place and he gave a very detailed description of how to get there in exactly the same way he had to me. Jo then left him with the final message of “Looking forward to meeting you. You sound so nice and friendly.” And, “I shall arrive in my nice shiny black convertible, shall I?” And he said, “So off ya go and come on over — much more fun talking than typing.” Of course Jo then did NOT turn up.
At 10:50 that night, David left a message for Jo online: “David wonders what happened to Jo — hope you weren’t snapped up by crocodile, not been fed to a shark — and that you didn’t do this to wind me up — though that would seem very out of character from the chats we had — catch you whenever I s’pose.”
And: “P.S. I would really like to honestly know what happened and why — so please chat and tell me.”
Just perfect, I thought. It would leave him now wondering why and maybe feeling rejected, just like I had.
Advice for Internet dating
Now, my advice to anyone new to any of the Internet dating sites is to first check out how long the other person has been on the site. If more than a few months, beware. Secondly, when you are communicating with someone on these sites, remember you are actually only getting about 25 percent of the communication. You do not see them or their body responses; all you get is a motionless computer screen. Thirdly, it might be wiser and safer to communicate only with other new users, and stay well away from those who have joined many, many months ago or years! Let the alarm bells ring.
When I joined again as Jo several months after the first time, there were again the same large group of men whom had requested contacts with me the first time!!!
In conclusion, David has an obsession with these sites, much the same way as an addict has to gambling or a smoker to smoking. The addiction is either about gaining power over women or is a sex addiction. Yet, in real life David functions at a high level. He does have friends and is quite social, even having a weekly home church group meeting at his house. Yet on the chat line he says he is alone and feels unwanted.
David lives in a fantasy world, in a made up one, when on the Internet. The real sad part of all of this for me is that underneath the entire act David puts on, he seems like a lovely man who is highly confused and has lost his way with reality.
Net addiction
Through personal research I have now found some good sites on the Internet that outline what “net addiction” or “Internet dating addiction” or “cyber-addiction” is. Internet addiction is a growing, serious public health issue. And those that are addicted can be quite callous towards unsuspecting others. America has even considered this cyber-addiction to be included in the DSM V of Mental Health Disorders. It can be seen as the new growing social cancer of our century.
But how David could do this to innocent women, and repetitively, knowing he has three teenage daughters himself, is beyond comprehension. How would he like it if one of his daughters fell foul to someone just like him?
Finally, if my story can just stop this from happening to other females then that is a bonus. If what I did by becoming the player myself hurts him like he has clearly and deliberately hurt many women over a lengthy period of time then I will be very happy indeed. And my job is done.
So regardless of where you live, not just Australia, let the Internet user beware. It could cost you significantly emotionally, which will take you a long time to recover from.
Playing “The Player”
Everyone comes into one’s life for a reason. And I now firmly believe David came into mine because I was the right person to take him on and turn the tables on him. By playing “The Player,” it gave me the chance to regain my self-esteem and confidence and gain some kind of closure. My aim was to show him that one cannot use and emotionally abuse innocent people who initially come online and are often very vulnerable by those who are masters at “the game.”
I think I will stay well away from the Internet dating sites for the time being. I need to heal and become the calm, relaxed person with the happy disposition I was before.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 2, 2010.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated
Truthteller:
I don’t really think of retribution against the P as a peak experience. But you have made me think about this and I am still considering what this means to me. Currently, I still feel that having to spend my life energy in this way was a waste – but again, I feel I had no choice. To go on another day retribution was as necessary to me as breathing.
I have always though of peak experieces as something lofty that are an expression of your true self. But if you open your eyes one day and find yourself neck deep in evil – perhaps battling your way out could be a peak experience. I sure as hell hope I get some opportunities for better peak experieces in my future.
So, by human frailties (AKA admirable human traits) that make it so easy for the P to conquer his prey, I am referring to our innate human needs for:
– Meaning and purpose in life
– Attainment of goals
– The quest for love
– Physical well being: safety and security, material needs, physical intimacy
I strongly agree with the recent article posted, that explains that each P is the same in that they are non-human, but that each differs as much as the non-P population in terms of their personality (and in the tools of their trade = destruction of their victims).
Every P has some need. You must attack the means to their need. Easier said than done, I know. Think “The Art of War.” I never had had the occasion to do the “method acting” exercise that actors use. But you must do this in order to plot agains them.
Spend some time reading the P blogs. You have to read them long enough to get over the initial shock and repulsion. You will get into a groove. Ideas will form. You can begin to predict what the P’s reaction will be to your every move.
Once you can predict your enemy’s next move you have power. Then you shock him. You are now acting out of character. Don’t ever forget what he truly thinks of you – he loaths you and always has. He thinks you are the biggest dupe that ever walked the face of the earth. He will have never imagined that you would turn the tables on him. Use this shock and continue – – pummel him! And when you are done pummeling him – – give him a good hard spanking!
—–
I’m no evolutionary biologist but, like you, I have pondered this topic in terms of my newfound unfortunate knowledge of P’s. Frankly, the existence of incurable-evil-demons walking the face of the earth. With tiny new pink and blue (mostly blue) baby demons being born at this very instant, makes one re-think everything.
I pretty much have to go back through the accumulated knowledge from every college course I took outside of the hard sciences, as well as my distant past religious instruction, and revise all the findings based on the existence of a perpetual army of mosters walking the earth. Not humans choosing to do bad things, but evil on two legs.
I am still debating this point. But currently, I do not think that there is any collective evolutionary benefit to P’s. Could there ever be a more “selfish gene” than the P?
Nothing about a P hampers P reproduction = Survival of the P’s! In fact, using others as tools would only make a P more “fit.”
However, evolutionary biology could possibly explain why P’s are attracted to a certain type of victim. Research has shown that P victims are a “type” = highly responsible, goal directed, honest, trusting… basically “good,” “too good.”
The P genes, would have a better chance if the P was attracted to (read: targeted), and reproduced with, a woman that would make a “good” mother so that the offspring would survive.
The P has no use for a she-P since that mother would only throw the baby in the well.
I have read theories about homosexuality being a collective benefit such that this genetic makeup has evolved despite a lower rate of procreation by the individual. The theory is that the extended family unit benefits from the contributions of homosexual members and their genes are continued.
One thing that I do mull over… Evolution no longer acts upon the human species. Except in isolated cases, we as modern humans do not fail to reproduce and/or have our offspring die out based on genetic fitness. However, I wonder if the genetic plague of P’s could be actually increasing in modern society.
With control of our reproduction, women can now be selective in choice and timing of a mate for reproductive purposes. I fear that, in modern society, P’s are more successful in gaining mates.
If every man is a hunter gatherer, perhaps there is less opportunity for a P to gain power over others and differentiate himself. Hierarchy and technology could benefit the P in his quest for domination.
Take the “average man” and a P in modern society. Who do you think is going to reproduce more? And who is going to reproduce with more partners?
I meant to address the note above to “bulletproof”
Good name by the way
I read a bit….do tell what the fu*ck yo mean by it??? I’m thinking A-Mike is a candidate for your convo…
truthteller… you can edit your comment and fix that.
Hola Aloha!!! Second time…thank you!!!
truthteller
you say:
Take the “average man” and a P in modern society. Who do you think is going to reproduce more? And who is going to reproduce with more partners?
the question is hanging, the answer unspeakable. We have to find a way to collectively “OUT” this evil I like what you are saying. You are dedicated to the cause and that’s what it’s going to take. I may well go after the P again when he least expects it….
silvermoon
you say: If the whole thing is a lie, who then can you trust?
We have to find ways of “feeling” the lie, over time, slow research, so no jumping itno anything too quickly…which is a bummer when you are 50!
Stargazer
I’m with you on the younger man thing, I find younger men more attractive but I wonder what it does to the body to team up with a younger body, is there not some rejection going on already? we are saying to our own bodies we prefer younger ones!
I think it’s the person inside the body that counts. In fact beware of goodlooking smouldery eyed chisel jawed men……what big eyes you have…all the better to see you with…..what nice teeth you have ….all the better to EAT YOU WITH!
sabrina
ah yes….this sounds like a woman who has it slowed down and in check!
I especially like what you said at the end
Anybody that cant keep their “whore-mones” in check after knowing me 5 minutes has GOT to b a playa
so true, but the romantic bimbo in me tells me its LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT…
silvermoon said
I can double check his wonderful philosohy on anyone of the 16 dating profiles that remained active after we were married.
talk about cold splash to the brain! wakey wakey!
Bullet- I’m ROTFLMBO! when you said..but the romantic bimbo in me tells me ITS LOVE At FIRST SIGHT!
I can soo relate- but after being so under-whelmed by the losers, smoozers, and boozers , DOROTHY AIN”T IN KANSAS ANYMORE!!! AND if she was, she really ain’t the girl to take to that party! I call those guys the lollipops- remembering that- I’m NO LONGER anybodys SUCKER!
I like this story, however, I think I can top it. Initially, I did some playing on Internet dating sites until I came to the conclusion that everyone I met that way would be losers. After several disappointing experiences, I realized that anyone that could do reasonably well in real life would never turn to a dating site. So, I stopped while I was relatively ahead. However, during the early days, I run into a number of players (my ex included – ROFL!). I’d do eveything the writer described and when it was time for the call or the meeting, I’d provide them with the number and/or address to the local police station. If that didn’t set a few of these a***holes straight, I dunno what would!
Dear Quantum Solace,
The STATISTICS of males vs females that are “available” (unmarried) in the over 30 set are like 30 females for every ONE male, so if you take into consideration that most men hook up with younger women and most women hook up with men at least their age to 10 yrs older, you can see that single men 30+ have a huge number of women to choose from in Real life.
Also let’s say a guy is 45, he can p;ick and choose from women from age 30 to age 50. A woman who is 45 can pick and choose from males ages 45-60.
Also, if you take each woman’s allotment of “single males” half of them or more will be younger than her, so she is not able to compete with the younger women for those males, and so on, so a woman my age, 63, is compeating with 28 other women for one man who is likely to be much younger than me.
So tell me why any guy worth having, or any guy who isn’t a real creep, drunk or druggie, would even BE on a dating site?
My own personal opinion is that most men on dating sites are either there for an unending series of short sexual hook ups, or if they are a nice guy, they find someone quickly and then get off the site within a couple of months. I think the long term guys even if they say they are looking for a LTR are just there to get laid.