Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from the reader who posts as “Hehadme39.”
Okay, I became involved with my psychopath in Dec. 2008. I ended our relationship in July 2010. During the course of this relationship he took advantage of me in several ways. The first time he took advantage of me I came to find out he was committing a mass amount of fraud. Not only with me and my financial information but with several others’ financial information.
I kicked him out took the evidence I had to the police. The Secret Service and the FBI got involved as well as the Department of Education. There was a mountain of evidence I delivered to them but in the end, I was told by a TX secret service agent that because he and I were in a romantic relationship the evidence I delivered to them would NOT be admissible in court. They told me they were sorry they couldn’t help me, but they had turned the evidence over to the Department of Education because they had GOOD evidence that he was committing student loan fraud. I got one visit from the DOE and nothing ever came of it all.
All of this occurred only after 5 months of knowing him and 2 months of him living with me. EVERYTHING he told me about me turning him in was true. Nobody did anything to him. Even when he had been in prison twice for violating probation and parole from a prison sentence for committing ”¦ DRUM ROLL PLEASE ”¦ Yes, you guessed it FRAUD!
Seeing him again
Well, he manipulated me again to at least seeing him again as I REFUSED to allow him to live with me. He promised he had changed and wanted to be a better man because of me. (LOL what a joke right) I chose to ignore what my intuition was telling me and I continued to see him in secret, as if my friends knew I was seeing him after what he did they would not be happy with me and it would cost me those friendships.
I now know, He KNEW this would isolate me further and make it easier to deepen his tentacles that sucked my life force and soul out. I even got the psychopath a cell phone and paid for it the majority of the time. A week later he added another line to my account in an attempt to commit yet another fraudulent act. But to his disappointment I caught this quickly and put security guards in place and removed all access to ANY account I had and refused to give him the information to get into ANY of my accounts. I would not allow him in my home without me there and only left him in my home alone on two separate occasions that were beyond my control. Well, or so I thought.
I knew and realized what he was doing to me. I kept wondering what is wrong with me that I am letting someone manipulate me the way he did. The few friends that did know about him would tell me he is just a liar and a manipulator. It was all true; I couldn’t argue with them. My excuse was always well it’s just for sex anyway. When in reality I truly loved the psychopath as he reinforced all of my own self-loathing. He reminded me daily how much I hated myself and shamefully at the time it’s what I wanted.
Waking up
Well I really started to wake up in December 2009 when he cancelled yet another vacation that was supposed to be spent with me over the Christmas Holiday to be with his live-in girlfriend, which he had me convinced was his “roommate.” Well I came across an article one evening on that vacation I ended up alone entitled, “How to tell if you are dating a married man.” Well I read the article and my psychopath met every criteria of the “married man” and I met every criteria of “the other woman”! I KNEW that day that I had to escape him.
I tried to break it off with him on several occasions and every time he would manipulate me into taking him back. I would be lonely and couldn’t bear the thought of no more sex like that for the rest of my life. The time before our final “show down,” I had broken it off and he threw a very heavy bag like it was nothing destroyed some things in my apartment and chased me to the balcony. When I wouldn’t come in, he wouldn’t risk people seeing him in his rage so he just left. In hindsight, I should have realized then what he was truly capable of.
Assault
For our final showdown he showed up uninvited to my apt to collect his things after I finally had enough. There was NO way he was talking me out of it this time. I stepped outside and refused to allow him into my home. He assaulted me, pushed me into my apt, locked the door behind him and proceeded to terrorize me. He shoved me so hard I fell to the floor. He yanked me around yelling and screaming that he would be heard.
I grabbed him by his throat and shoved him away from me in self-defense and told him to leave. This made him extremely angry and he hit me so hard I came off my feet and was hurled across the room. He asked me if I wanted to die? Then he stated WE are going to DIE! and proceeded to the kitchen to get what I assumed would be a knife or something to kill me with. I raced past him and out my front door as he only locked the privacy lock. I escaped him and started pounding on neighbors’ doors for help as he has stolen my phone in the process of holding me in my apt against my will. I got scared and ran of course.
Citation
A neighbor came out and allowed me to use his cell phone to call 911. The police came made a report etc ”¦ I spoke with a detective and the detective assured me he believed my story and even took pictures of all the bruises he left me with. He then proceeded to tell me they had spoken with the psychopath and that he was scheduled to come down and talk to police the following day. His visit to the police station to my AMAZEMENT and SURPRISE yielded not only them letting him go and only issuing him a misdemeanor citation but issuing ME a citation for assault by contact.
I am the one who is abused and essentially kidnapped and held against her will but I am getting a citation for assault by contact! I had to obtain an attorney to defend the criminal charge. It is still pending and my attorney is having NO luck getting the psychopath to sign a waiver of prosecution. I anticipate that this is going to be going to trial eventually because I refuse to plea anything but self-defense!
I have over 100 emails with threats, virtual admissions of guilt to various crimes and other things, his crazy rantings, phone msgs etc ”¦ I also have the previous time I turned him in. What do you think my chances are proving that he is the one who assaulted me? It’s all about winning to him and I get it. It’s not about winning for me. It’s about proving that I was the VICTIM here not HIM. What are my chances?
ErinBrock u rock! Thats such awesome empowering info 🙂
🙂
Dear EB!!! Good advice!!! Glad you were there with your “all knowing, all seeing Eye” to empower her!!!!
Well, you didn’t get me with the skillet! I got INVOLVED this morning before I left for the doctor’s office.
Took a big bag of frozen meat and food down to the old guy’s house. As I drove up, his truck started to move like he was leaving, driving toword me as I was driving into the driveway. I stopped him and told him “Hey, I bought you something” He was disturbed and said “Baby I have to go?” I saw he was alone and asked where and why.
He said that “she eaved dropped on what you and I said yesterday (the second day he had come over, but that was NOT possible for her to have eavesdropped so not sure why he said this, confusion, her pretending to have evesdropped or what!)
anyway he went on and said that “they have some warrants out for her, just stupid stuff, drunk and disorderly and such, why can’t they just leave us alone”
I’m just driving up the road to check and see if they are coming to try to get her. I ahve to hurry.”
So I said, well, let me just run this frozen food into the house so it doeesn’t melt, and he said “I’ll take it just go on, she gets upset when she’s drunk and she’s drunk all the time”
I wouldn’t let that go so went into the house and she was cooking and acted glad to see me and said “Ah, you shouldn’t have brought that” and I said “just being neighborly” and saw a big bottle of booze on the table (bought with my money of course) so I took my bag and went back out and left.
Called the cops on the way out and spoke to my friend the dispatcher and told her what was going on, I had gotten the Meth ho’s name while I was there—so anyway, son D. guarded the north end of the road and I guarded the south end until the cops had time to get there then we both went our separate ways and not sure what happened as I just got home—but will find out.
I’m glad I called the cops, because I think that woman reminds me of that one they are going to execute tonight in Virginia. I interfered but I’m glad I did, and yea,” it waddn’t nun of my bidness” but If that b1atch had hurt my elderly neighbor I wouldn’t have been able to stand myself. If it was just a matter of taking advantage of him financially it would have been one thing, but that old man was AFRAID of her this morning. And I think he had good reason to be afraid.
I’ve had problems getting OUT of his house, but never had problems getting him to want me to come IN to his house.
Let’s all light a candle for the execution tonight–I’m normally not in favor of the death penalty but in this case, there’s NO doubt she did it, and no doubt she deserves it in my opinion.
oxy – glad you are looking out for your neighbor. hopefully this will free him of her.
HI, I just got back on line as D had the air card.
Talked to the old man’s daughter and got the skinny on the METH HO and the charges were SERIOUS but we don’t know HOW SERIOUS this time, so next step is to keep her from making bail. So I’ll call the DA in the morning and see if I can get him to REQUEST more bail.
This woman is a flight risk for sure and I can testify to that.
Apparently some Nigerian scam artist took all the old man’s money and all he could get together—so hopefully he won’t be able to make bail for her. Just going to have to see what I can do to help his daughter to help him if it can be done. I think he is about certifiable or close to it.
These BUZZARDS come in and don’t even wait for the poor old people to die before they start trying to suck the life out of them.
Well, I’m glad that the Ox Drover saddled up and rode out with her posse of one to to hold the fort til the law could get here and get that SKANK out of the neighborhood and into jail where she belongs.
YOu know, my P son is right! I am nothing but a SNITCHIN’ BITCH! And I’m right proud of it!!! TOWANDA FER ME!!!!! And everyone else who is able to get the upper hand even once in a while! I couldn’t save my own egg donor but maybe I can help his daughter help this old man!
Oxy…..did the daughter know about this skank?
What a waste of life!!!! And to a vulnerable old man!!!!
Is there something wrong with a SNITCHIN BITCH?
I always thought of that as a compliment! 🙂
(Anything ending in BITCH!)
The daughter knew about the skank but just like with my egg donor she hit a brick wall. Daddy wouldn’t talk to her or let her in the house. Dtr did know details about the PARTIES that were going on there on the weekends-=–wonder how much stuff is missing?
OH, well, gotta go to bed, got to get up early and call DA and see when she is going for BAIL,. got to get the bail HIGHER and make sure grandpa can’t raise the bail!
Keep me and the family in your prayers.
Well just got off the phone with the DA’s office, new twit on the phone, I did NOT go through the phone and strangle her but boy did I want to!!!! Anyway, called the sheriff’s office back and found that there is another warrant from out of the county on the skank so they will come get her….one of the local counts is “failure to appear” so hopefully she won’t get bailed out or paid out before The other county comes and gets her.
Well, will see what we can do to keep her out, but in the meantime. I don’t have to go to town today, no bail hearing!
Hehadme39,
Reading the comments here I got confused and had to go back and read your letter to ensure I was still in the right thread. I find it disturbing and disrespectful the way the comments go off onto personal talks unrelated to the story or letter. Sorry, but I think there needs to be a separate forum for these conversations – they are valuable but take away from the post. I’m sure it must be heartbreaking for Hehadme39 to come here expecting help and replies and finding comments that have nothing to do with her letter. This seems to happen over and over again; if there was a ‘open’ type thread people could meet up there and continue these talks.
Back to the letter…
I have seen success against this type of thing. Sadly I think a lot depends on the judge.
From the case I saw I think the key thing is not to show anger or anything in court that could be mis contrued. Being upset, crying, puzzled is okay. Appearing beat down, crushed is okay. Appearing to be calm is okay. Heated emotions, anger, outrage, exasperation is not. You’d think the judges would only look at the evidence – they do not. They are judging your behaviour in court too.
Poke that psychopath, have all your facts, back them up with example after example. Smother him in details and show that his statements are not credible.
If you can destroy his credibility in the eyes of the court you are a long way ahead.
I assume he is defending himself?
Hehadme,
**** This is important ! ****
You will never win by defending yourself. Wars are not won by playing defense. You must go on offense.
I know this sounds harsh, but I wish someone had told me this when I was defending myself against my ex in court. I foolishly thought that I was taking the high ground by not attacking him. I foolishly thought that the truth would come out in court and that it would be patently obvious to everyone that he was a liar and an abuser. I was wrong.
The legal system, in my experience, further victimizes victims. That would be you. The lawyers don’t care about justice, only about taking your money. They are happy for the business and are happy to drag it out as long as possible.
I have seen a VERY few decent judges, but most that I have seen, probably have personality disorders of their own. Many of them have axes to grind and will take out their frustrations on you.
The only way to deal with a sociopathic attacker, is to counter-attack. This probably goes against your nature but you have to do it.
If you try to compromise, if you try to act like a rational adult, if you show any glimmer of sympathy or understanding, a sociopath will see that as a weakness and will pounce on that to further exploit and victimize you.
Please take this seriously.
Remember, if someone attacks you, defrauds you, abuses you, you owe him NOTHING. You have no obligation to understand him. You have no obligation to sympathize. You have no obligation to forgive.
If you can’t help but feel sorry for him, think of it this way: If you “go easy” on him, that will just encourage him and teach him that once again he got away with bad behavior. This will just fuel more bad behavior. Even if you cut off all contact, he will be out there looking for his next victim. So if you need to feel sympathy for someone, feel it for that next victim and do what you can to stop him now.
One more piece of advice – If you have a friend or family member who understands the situation, keep her informed and have her go to court with you if possible. The support is a real help. But if your family and friends do not understand, they will make the situation worse. (If possible, educate them until they do understand.)
Good luck to you and God bless. Stay strong.