Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from the reader who posts as “Hehadme39.”
Okay, I became involved with my psychopath in Dec. 2008. I ended our relationship in July 2010. During the course of this relationship he took advantage of me in several ways. The first time he took advantage of me I came to find out he was committing a mass amount of fraud. Not only with me and my financial information but with several others’ financial information.
I kicked him out took the evidence I had to the police. The Secret Service and the FBI got involved as well as the Department of Education. There was a mountain of evidence I delivered to them but in the end, I was told by a TX secret service agent that because he and I were in a romantic relationship the evidence I delivered to them would NOT be admissible in court. They told me they were sorry they couldn’t help me, but they had turned the evidence over to the Department of Education because they had GOOD evidence that he was committing student loan fraud. I got one visit from the DOE and nothing ever came of it all.
All of this occurred only after 5 months of knowing him and 2 months of him living with me. EVERYTHING he told me about me turning him in was true. Nobody did anything to him. Even when he had been in prison twice for violating probation and parole from a prison sentence for committing ”¦ DRUM ROLL PLEASE ”¦ Yes, you guessed it FRAUD!
Seeing him again
Well, he manipulated me again to at least seeing him again as I REFUSED to allow him to live with me. He promised he had changed and wanted to be a better man because of me. (LOL what a joke right) I chose to ignore what my intuition was telling me and I continued to see him in secret, as if my friends knew I was seeing him after what he did they would not be happy with me and it would cost me those friendships.
I now know, He KNEW this would isolate me further and make it easier to deepen his tentacles that sucked my life force and soul out. I even got the psychopath a cell phone and paid for it the majority of the time. A week later he added another line to my account in an attempt to commit yet another fraudulent act. But to his disappointment I caught this quickly and put security guards in place and removed all access to ANY account I had and refused to give him the information to get into ANY of my accounts. I would not allow him in my home without me there and only left him in my home alone on two separate occasions that were beyond my control. Well, or so I thought.
I knew and realized what he was doing to me. I kept wondering what is wrong with me that I am letting someone manipulate me the way he did. The few friends that did know about him would tell me he is just a liar and a manipulator. It was all true; I couldn’t argue with them. My excuse was always well it’s just for sex anyway. When in reality I truly loved the psychopath as he reinforced all of my own self-loathing. He reminded me daily how much I hated myself and shamefully at the time it’s what I wanted.
Waking up
Well I really started to wake up in December 2009 when he cancelled yet another vacation that was supposed to be spent with me over the Christmas Holiday to be with his live-in girlfriend, which he had me convinced was his “roommate.” Well I came across an article one evening on that vacation I ended up alone entitled, “How to tell if you are dating a married man.” Well I read the article and my psychopath met every criteria of the “married man” and I met every criteria of “the other woman”! I KNEW that day that I had to escape him.
I tried to break it off with him on several occasions and every time he would manipulate me into taking him back. I would be lonely and couldn’t bear the thought of no more sex like that for the rest of my life. The time before our final “show down,” I had broken it off and he threw a very heavy bag like it was nothing destroyed some things in my apartment and chased me to the balcony. When I wouldn’t come in, he wouldn’t risk people seeing him in his rage so he just left. In hindsight, I should have realized then what he was truly capable of.
Assault
For our final showdown he showed up uninvited to my apt to collect his things after I finally had enough. There was NO way he was talking me out of it this time. I stepped outside and refused to allow him into my home. He assaulted me, pushed me into my apt, locked the door behind him and proceeded to terrorize me. He shoved me so hard I fell to the floor. He yanked me around yelling and screaming that he would be heard.
I grabbed him by his throat and shoved him away from me in self-defense and told him to leave. This made him extremely angry and he hit me so hard I came off my feet and was hurled across the room. He asked me if I wanted to die? Then he stated WE are going to DIE! and proceeded to the kitchen to get what I assumed would be a knife or something to kill me with. I raced past him and out my front door as he only locked the privacy lock. I escaped him and started pounding on neighbors’ doors for help as he has stolen my phone in the process of holding me in my apt against my will. I got scared and ran of course.
Citation
A neighbor came out and allowed me to use his cell phone to call 911. The police came made a report etc ”¦ I spoke with a detective and the detective assured me he believed my story and even took pictures of all the bruises he left me with. He then proceeded to tell me they had spoken with the psychopath and that he was scheduled to come down and talk to police the following day. His visit to the police station to my AMAZEMENT and SURPRISE yielded not only them letting him go and only issuing him a misdemeanor citation but issuing ME a citation for assault by contact.
I am the one who is abused and essentially kidnapped and held against her will but I am getting a citation for assault by contact! I had to obtain an attorney to defend the criminal charge. It is still pending and my attorney is having NO luck getting the psychopath to sign a waiver of prosecution. I anticipate that this is going to be going to trial eventually because I refuse to plea anything but self-defense!
I have over 100 emails with threats, virtual admissions of guilt to various crimes and other things, his crazy rantings, phone msgs etc ”¦ I also have the previous time I turned him in. What do you think my chances are proving that he is the one who assaulted me? It’s all about winning to him and I get it. It’s not about winning for me. It’s about proving that I was the VICTIM here not HIM. What are my chances?
One more point to remember: If you are playing defense, the only outcomes are that you lose or break even.
Speakout;
I am thankful for the “chatter” on this site. It often restores me to normalcy. I am in awe of the folks who make up this community of survivors. And because it is a real community of real folks sometimes there is straying from the subject but always, always, after the new person is greeted, welcomed and given some of the most amazing advise I have ever heard.
Laughter is healing, as well as companionship. This is what I appreciate about Love Fraud. There is strength in numbers and we huddle together to keep warm. So much coldness out there.
God Bless!
Dear Nottakingitanymore,
Your advice is RIGHT on to HeHadMe!!!! We must not just hunker in a corner trying to deflect “incoming bombs”—we need to shoot back at the very least unless we can “get the heck out of dodge.”
It is better, I think to RETREAT and get away IF WE CAN, but there are times we cannot outrun them and we have to STOP and FIGHT!
I have a pair of large (mammoth) horse-sized donkeys, correctly called Asses. They are much much smarter than a horse and will not blindly run from something that scares them, but will run a ways if frightened but then STOP, ASSESS the situation, and see 1) do they need to keep on running? 2) if so, in what direction to safely run, and 3) should they turn and fight?
Where a horse will BLINDLY flee from anything that frightens it, and run through fences, trees or break leg, an ass is much more careful of its OWN WELFARE ABOVE ALL ELSE and will fight or flee depending on the situation.
There’s an article here about “why I am becoming an A.S.S.” that I wrote a while back (ASS=Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath.)
I have some photos of a mule (half ass, half horse, but more like an ass) that was being ridden by a man when it was attacked by a cougar, the photos show the mule KILLING the cougar and when it was dead, it knelt on top of it just for good measure. The man’s dogs were cowering in the background of the photo.
Adamsrib,
I agree with you about the sense of community here and the threads I think are kind of like a “conversation” which from time to time gets distracted or “chases rabbits” but is inclusive of everyone in the group! I also agree that you are right, a chuckle or a laugh or even some dark humor sometimes is my salvation.
Oxy, A.S.S…..love it. I like to think of it like this: I am growing a spath bone….or an ass bone, well you get it.
Got a corned beef simmering in the pot for my GK’s lunch. They’ve never had it, and felt I had to contribute a little to their culteral heretage…so, hope they like it.
Proud of you for the weight loss…4 pounds. You go girl!
Kimmie,
I make my own home made corn beef, marinate it in the refrigerator in the brine for 21 days, turning each day and with pickling spices in it, but just finished one, but with my feet swelling now I need to lay off the extra salt. I actually boiled this last one twice with fresh water each time to get more of the salt out (and some of the best of the taste I think!) I love salty things! But will just have to limit it.
I’m trying to get creative with my food plans now and for breakfast I made mini-pizzas with english muffin, tomato sauce, thin onion slices, thin tomato slices, and cheeze in toaster oven. VERY FILLING and less than 250 calories.
At least my belly is not SCREAMING STARVATION like it was and I actually feel much better (not bloated) with the loss of the 4 pounds, but I think it may be that my blood sugar is more balanced as I am eating 3 times a day instead of A) only once or B) continually LOL
hehadme39
I really feel for you. I am not as well spoken as some on here are but my heart goes out to you. I don’t have much
advice to give you as I am in the smack dab in the middle of the craziness with my n husband. I will say he always tells me in a smart ass/mean way, “you know you can’t win”. I finially, after 22 years, hear him. He has always really truely meant that our realationship is about him winning and ME losing. I say that to tell you, hard solid prove against him is what you need to do.. Attack him with all you have and
never ever defend yourself against him. I am not as wise as Oxy and others here so if they find this advice a bit off go with what they have to say. Huggs.
Dear Justus5,
Baby doll this is the last warning for you before I boink you with the skillet!!!! QUOTE “I am not as wise as oxy and others here….” THAT IS NOT TRUE!!! And you are NOT allowed to say untrue stuff here, especially about yourself! (((Hugs))))
Now you write 500 times and turn in before school is out tomorrow:
“I am as wise as I want to me, I am as strong as I will be!”
If you survived 22 years with that creep, you ARE STRONG so don’t you try to convince me or anyone else you aren’t! LOL
YOU CAN WIN by not letting him hurt you any more! ((((Hugs)))) Just keep on keeping on one day at a time, learning a little each day. I still have bad hard days and so will we all, but we can overcome it! We WILL!!!! God bless. YOU are in my prayers! God always gives us DOUBLE ANSWERS when we pray for others so I know you are going to be fine!!!!
Justus5,
I agree with OxDrover – you are priceless, having much wisdom to pass on to others. Don’t discount yourself. We don’t! We’re all in the same boat, being able to learn from each other.
Good advice as always on here, I just want to repeat the “don’t trust the lawyers to win your case”. The legal system has lost my case records, people didn’t show up in court, the judge wasn’t given evidence he should have seen…YOU make sure you have the originals or copy of EVERYTHING. Lawyers have lots of clients especially single moms with no money, they don’t spend the time on us they would if they knew the big bucks were coming in. You are just a client to them, you are NOTHING to the judge. You are EVERYTHING to your family and friends and deserve to be treated with respect, not abuse. Make sure your lawyer has everything before you go to trial, SEE it, don’t let them fob you off, heck, you are paying them. You can always tell them you just have to check because you knew someone who lost their case because the judge didn’t get all the evidence. (Not my lawyers fault. Silly people, they thought the legal system worked!) Take all your backup evidence with you.
Oxy, count me in as a member of A.S.S. I agree, and I’ve had some smart horses, but asses think more (unlike two legged ones). Besides, I can’t resist those lovely long ears. Now, if you could have crossed my buckskin mustang with a smart mule, you would have the perfect equine!
I can see convincing the landlord now…”What? No, that’s just my service dog, well, yeah he’s kind of big but that’s just the breed he is, oh yeah, and he barks funny too, had a throat injury as a pup…his feet? Oh, you mean his paw covers. The vet had them specially made because his pads tend to crack and get infected…well yeah, he DOES look something like a horse (ha ha) but so do Chinese Crested, he’s part Chinese Crested yeah! Uh huh! Don’t know what the other parts are, but it was obviously something BIG, huh! Oh…watch out……….sorry about your salad, but you know some dogs just go crazy for carrots……
The only puma I know is friendly, but maybe I could train him to sit on a sociopath on command! Oooooh I like that image. Wish we could put images on here! I’m going to do a cartoon with a big fat mule sitting down, looking back over his shoulder and grinning. A few flattish arms and legs are sticking out from under him. How about that for a logo for A.S.S.?
Oxy and bluejay,
Thank you. Oxy I will write my sentences once I get my eight year old to write his and get all of them to bed. (: