Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from the reader who posts as “Hehadme39.”
Okay, I became involved with my psychopath in Dec. 2008. I ended our relationship in July 2010. During the course of this relationship he took advantage of me in several ways. The first time he took advantage of me I came to find out he was committing a mass amount of fraud. Not only with me and my financial information but with several others’ financial information.
I kicked him out took the evidence I had to the police. The Secret Service and the FBI got involved as well as the Department of Education. There was a mountain of evidence I delivered to them but in the end, I was told by a TX secret service agent that because he and I were in a romantic relationship the evidence I delivered to them would NOT be admissible in court. They told me they were sorry they couldn’t help me, but they had turned the evidence over to the Department of Education because they had GOOD evidence that he was committing student loan fraud. I got one visit from the DOE and nothing ever came of it all.
All of this occurred only after 5 months of knowing him and 2 months of him living with me. EVERYTHING he told me about me turning him in was true. Nobody did anything to him. Even when he had been in prison twice for violating probation and parole from a prison sentence for committing ”¦ DRUM ROLL PLEASE ”¦ Yes, you guessed it FRAUD!
Seeing him again
Well, he manipulated me again to at least seeing him again as I REFUSED to allow him to live with me. He promised he had changed and wanted to be a better man because of me. (LOL what a joke right) I chose to ignore what my intuition was telling me and I continued to see him in secret, as if my friends knew I was seeing him after what he did they would not be happy with me and it would cost me those friendships.
I now know, He KNEW this would isolate me further and make it easier to deepen his tentacles that sucked my life force and soul out. I even got the psychopath a cell phone and paid for it the majority of the time. A week later he added another line to my account in an attempt to commit yet another fraudulent act. But to his disappointment I caught this quickly and put security guards in place and removed all access to ANY account I had and refused to give him the information to get into ANY of my accounts. I would not allow him in my home without me there and only left him in my home alone on two separate occasions that were beyond my control. Well, or so I thought.
I knew and realized what he was doing to me. I kept wondering what is wrong with me that I am letting someone manipulate me the way he did. The few friends that did know about him would tell me he is just a liar and a manipulator. It was all true; I couldn’t argue with them. My excuse was always well it’s just for sex anyway. When in reality I truly loved the psychopath as he reinforced all of my own self-loathing. He reminded me daily how much I hated myself and shamefully at the time it’s what I wanted.
Waking up
Well I really started to wake up in December 2009 when he cancelled yet another vacation that was supposed to be spent with me over the Christmas Holiday to be with his live-in girlfriend, which he had me convinced was his “roommate.” Well I came across an article one evening on that vacation I ended up alone entitled, “How to tell if you are dating a married man.” Well I read the article and my psychopath met every criteria of the “married man” and I met every criteria of “the other woman”! I KNEW that day that I had to escape him.
I tried to break it off with him on several occasions and every time he would manipulate me into taking him back. I would be lonely and couldn’t bear the thought of no more sex like that for the rest of my life. The time before our final “show down,” I had broken it off and he threw a very heavy bag like it was nothing destroyed some things in my apartment and chased me to the balcony. When I wouldn’t come in, he wouldn’t risk people seeing him in his rage so he just left. In hindsight, I should have realized then what he was truly capable of.
Assault
For our final showdown he showed up uninvited to my apt to collect his things after I finally had enough. There was NO way he was talking me out of it this time. I stepped outside and refused to allow him into my home. He assaulted me, pushed me into my apt, locked the door behind him and proceeded to terrorize me. He shoved me so hard I fell to the floor. He yanked me around yelling and screaming that he would be heard.
I grabbed him by his throat and shoved him away from me in self-defense and told him to leave. This made him extremely angry and he hit me so hard I came off my feet and was hurled across the room. He asked me if I wanted to die? Then he stated WE are going to DIE! and proceeded to the kitchen to get what I assumed would be a knife or something to kill me with. I raced past him and out my front door as he only locked the privacy lock. I escaped him and started pounding on neighbors’ doors for help as he has stolen my phone in the process of holding me in my apt against my will. I got scared and ran of course.
Citation
A neighbor came out and allowed me to use his cell phone to call 911. The police came made a report etc ”¦ I spoke with a detective and the detective assured me he believed my story and even took pictures of all the bruises he left me with. He then proceeded to tell me they had spoken with the psychopath and that he was scheduled to come down and talk to police the following day. His visit to the police station to my AMAZEMENT and SURPRISE yielded not only them letting him go and only issuing him a misdemeanor citation but issuing ME a citation for assault by contact.
I am the one who is abused and essentially kidnapped and held against her will but I am getting a citation for assault by contact! I had to obtain an attorney to defend the criminal charge. It is still pending and my attorney is having NO luck getting the psychopath to sign a waiver of prosecution. I anticipate that this is going to be going to trial eventually because I refuse to plea anything but self-defense!
I have over 100 emails with threats, virtual admissions of guilt to various crimes and other things, his crazy rantings, phone msgs etc ”¦ I also have the previous time I turned him in. What do you think my chances are proving that he is the one who assaulted me? It’s all about winning to him and I get it. It’s not about winning for me. It’s about proving that I was the VICTIM here not HIM. What are my chances?
Romantic fool,
Hey GF you are NO FOOL! I think that is the greatest LOGO EVER!!!
A couple of years ago we started planning a “Love fraud” party, and we designed “costumes” If I remember correctly they were rubber hip wader boots, yellow and black striped leggings and tu-tus and Henry was going to wear a rubber skillet as a hat, and I have my pheasant-feather-ass hat that I bought to wear when I ride the donkeys. Looks cool as heck! LOL and we were going to do a chorus line dance. It got sillier and silllier as time went on but we were having so much fun imagining each other singing and dancing! Sometimes silly is great! LOL
I can just SEE that Logo and it makes me smile.
I have a piece of old gray barn wood up over my front door and it has a lettered sign that says KICKIN ASS FREIGHT COMPANY with a cut out-looking thing of a bucking jack ass on each end.
My studio has a sign that I made that says “Sow’s Ear Art Studio” on a plaque with a cartoon of a really UGLY pig’s face with one floppy ear! I have a kind of weird sense of humor—that and two cats with 7 toes on each front and 6 on each back foot and of course Fat Ass and Hairy Ass, my babies!
And yes, they do BARK FUNNY!!!! Especially when Fat gets into the yard across the cattle guard and poor old Hairy who hasn’t figured it out yet, stands on the pasture side and BARKS to Fat to “commmmmmeeee backkkkk, I’m lonely!” When they are together though, all the do is wrestle, bite and kick at each other! But boy, don’t separate them they can’t stand to be apart! They will tolerate a horse for company if they have to, but horses prefer to be with horses if possible and donkeys too. Mules, though, prefer to be with mares, I guess because their mothers were mares, but they are more like donkeys than they are horses as far as attitude and smarts are concerned. Much smarter than horses and won’t hurt themselves or let you work them to death like a horse would.
I have a horse too now, but she usually stays with the boarder horses unless there are none here, then she associates with the “boys” (or the USTA-be boys, they are not truly boys any more!)
Nothing nastier than an intact jack ass except a buck goat so got that problem fixed before I bought them home! LOL Wish we could castrate some of the 2 legged kind. Might make them better pets! I read an article today about a guy with like 23 kids from 14 women who had never paid child support and the judge put his sorry butt in jail. The mother of 4 of the kids that he lived with (he had never had a job BTW) said he was working on being a BETTER DAD! Does that mean more kids? He had at least 1 kid every year by different women, except one year he had 3 kids by different women.
Can we stay this guy is probably a psychopath? DUH! At least he is in jail for a while. One of the mothers said, “yea, now my tax dollars are supporting him!” LOL Said all he ever did for “my kids was give them a life of poverty.” (head shaking here) At least he won’t be fathering kids while he’s in jail.
Why do so many women have unprotected sex with this kind of creep and get a baby? Doesn’t make sense to me. He wasn’t even that good looking? (head shaking again)
Dear Justus5,
Good luck with the 8 year old!~ LOL I know it is tough trying to keep your chin up, but darling don’t beat your self up over this. If we kept on beating ourselves up for being human, we would never have time to do anything else. We are learning better now and so we will DO BETTER now.
We all have to learn and the way we learn is to try, and sometimes we don’t get it right, but we keep on trying until we do! so you be GOOD and KIND to yourself—be as good to yourself as you would be to a friend! (((hugs))))
Nottakingit:
Great advice……we learn when weve been in the fire!
Romantic:
You too girl! We must work our own case…..use the attorney as a legal tool……
We must receive ALL documents, filings, motions and rulings and keep them organized. Keep copies of everything you give your attorney, and review it regularly. KNOW YOUR CASE and drive it!
Justus5:
Girl…..great advice-you are very wise…..one thing….listen to your own advice!
Don’t ever allow another human to degrade you as you have.
Find the value in yourslef. You have so much to offer!
Protect yourself and don’t allow yourself to be beaten down…….PLEASE!!!
I am so proud of our LF community……as shiatty as it’s been for us……LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE AT! Look at all this great advice…..
YOU GO LF”ERS!!!!!
Oxy, I changed my name to romanticfool no more, but it still shows up without the change.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am coming up on an anniversary next month and I have something really important to celebrate.
I FORGOT WHICH DAY HE LEFT ME, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT WHETHER IT’S 4 YEARS OR 5!!!!!!!
YES!!!! I have finally gotten to the point where he is so far out of my life the day of infamy no longer is stuck in my mind. I can remember if I try, because it was the day his mother died, and she was important to me. But I feel not one tiny need to remember. You know what AD and BC means, well I thought of my life as AK and BK (his first initial is K. I just use X because that’s what he is….a factor, not a real person.). Now I’m living in the present. FINALLY for the first time in my life. Right here, right now, I’m safe, comfortable and have nothing worse than a few bills looming…which I have the money for. My new therapist got me on a behavior training program group that is really working, the kitten looks like she will shape up into a good service animal when she gets over her “teen” months.
I feel a bit like an ASS myself, and its a good thing! I have the four domestic cats and the serval, but I think a guardian ass would be cool!
My mustang was a really smart horse, he LOVED donkeys and mules. He once got uncontrollable during a parade because someone had a mule there and he wanted to visit! He always got too full of himself during parades anyway, the showoff! He was older than I was by about 10 years, we both knew he was the boss! Most the time that meant he protected me, but boy, when his interests and mine ran separate ways it was a major clash of wills and his strength against my stubbornness. He won much more often than I ever let my Dad know. Dang, even the horse knew I was a sucker from childhood on up.
My friend has a zony and a zonkey. Zebra and pony or donkey mix. They are both intelligent, but the zony would bite you if you weren’t careful when she first came. The zonkey is a much nicer animal. Zebras for the most part tend to be temperamental, although she had one that was an absolute doll. Sadly he died suddenly, she was going to use him as a stud because he was so sweet.
Some guys should be neutered, no doubt. One guy I knew said how much he missed his son and he was cleaning up his act because he was going to get custody of his son, taking him away from his unsafe druggy mother. How sweet, until I learned he was wanted in the next state for having a daughter with a 16 year old and had at least 4 other children scattered around that he never paid a dime on or visited. The “I live for my little boy who I haven’t gotten to see for two years” actually translated into, “I was in jail and I only care about myself, but since you are clearly a person who loves her child I’ll prey on your sympathies by pretending I want to be a good father.” There’s another guy with P behavior, although since he was an addict it’s a bit hard to tell. While at the time I was still in my relationship and didn’t know the traits, I did know enough to kick him out of my life as soon as I caught him lying. He’s another one who should have been drowned at birth. We were talking about warning in another thread, several of us who caught on warned our other friends, but they listened to him! How do they do that, you’ve been friends with someone for ten years and never lied to them, these people know them for a few weeks and your friends believe THEM. I swear, our society, or maybe the whole human race has a chemical imbalance! Guy has prison tats and is an admitted addict and a background of jail since he was a kid, but hey! He’s soooo sincere! Hard to be sympathetic when they come back moaning about how much money he weaseled out of them, and I did say “I told you so, sheesh!” that time. He wasn’t good looking either, but he had tons of charm before the rot set in.
Romantic:
Thats a great thing! We only need to remember the good in our lives…..not any bad ‘anniversary’s’.
I ‘missed’ my wedding anniversary this year…..funny because I nagged it for 18 years…..then it didn’t matter anymore……
So…..keep moving forward. I like that your back on the financial upmove……as I read that, I pictured myself in that place ‘one day’.
I’m a bit tired of the money pit.
I spoke to a realtor today about selling my house or at least my options……..maybe even just walking away.
I’m moving in that direction……not sure I want the headache anymore….and if we moved into my ‘tiny’ rental…..well…..a mortgage of 250 monthly sure would be a nice change.
If I walk away from house….I will walk from my CC debt too…..if my credit is shot…..mayaswell just kill it altogether! 🙂
Decisions, decisions……..
ErinBrock-
Try to find a Realtor who does not specialize in upper bracket properties. You want to speak with someone who might have empathy for your situation. Call up a real estate office and ask to speak with a “short sale” specialist. I’m probably biased, but a single parent, who knows how short sales work, is more likely to empathize with what you’re trying to accomplish…debt relief…and work hard to put an acceptable sale together.
Times are ruff for a lot of homeowners. Some just turn in the keys and walk away. Others negotiate with their lenders to accept a reduced loan pay off…that is called a “short sale”.
Also, learn what your rights might be. Different rules apply to different types of mortgages.
I have not sold real estate in the past few years, so please verify what the current rules might be. A knowledgeable realtor will know.
Rules over 4 years ago were:
Even if you failed to pay your monthly mortgage payments, you could continue to live in your home for up to a year (FHA financing). After 6 months of non-payment…then there will be a sheriff’s sale. The property will be sold to the highest bidder (usually the bank). The sheriff’s sale is not final because your name would still be recorded on the deed. You’ll then have another 6 months redemption period to refinance your loan, or sell the property to someone else, or walk away.
The time frame was shorter with Conventional financing. Depending upon the state where you reside, private financing rules will vary.
Good luck!
Imconfused:
Thanks for the guidance.
I can’t list the property currently because I’m in suspended foreclosure and have applied for a modification…..it’s the pigeon hole of the lenders.
If I hadn’t of applied for a mod. I could shortsale……but I’m in stall mode currently.
One of my gf’s and hubby are agents, they do shortsales. They’ve held my hand through this all…..and DO have great empathy.
Funny how this all works……I think I start thinking in a ‘direction’ for self preservation…..disconnecting from the overwhelming, if I don’t have control.
So……as soon as the words came out of my mouth…..yesterday, I get a call from the lender…..my ‘contact’ in the executive offices…..SO……she is ioptimistic….but I layed it out for her, told her I required better communications from them/her….and why.
In the beginning she was very stand offish……I was able to ‘bring’ her back around to a compassionate stance about my situation. hopefully to pay more attention to my file…..gotta grab from somewhere to make my file stay on top….getting reviewed.
In the end, she got personal, she said….she’d pray for me and keep in touch weekly via email, and started giving me info she didn’t ‘have’ to . She also said, their latest request was illegal and she would review my file and see if indeed they need more info or updated info. I submit a NEW packet about every 2 months. Same packet….same info…..I told her, I don’t mind submitting changing info….like P&L’s or bank statements…..but isn’t it a bit redundant to submit my divorce decree and tax returns and affidavits and prop tax’s etc….duplicated/triplicated every two months???? She agreed. I said, to streamline this process……wouldn’t it be better to only submit CHANGING info?
So…….for now….I’m here…..who knows where i’ll be in 6 months. I’ve been working with them for TWO years now on this stupid modification……it’s Ridiculous!!!!!
Thanks again…..
EB look for that NYTimes article today about foreclosures, it might give you some ideas.
EB – not the praying type, but you sure are in my good thoughts…for a big change a coming!
One:
Your good thoughts are appreciated! Thanks darlen!
I’ve come to the conclusion…..what will be will be….the ‘universe’ will lead me to whatever will be. I will do my due diligence…..but can’t force square pegs into round holes.
So….whatever!
Personally, today was a fantastic day…..my kids took me on a fantastic boat ride on the lake this afternoon, then friends over for champagne, made an appearance at the homecoming game…..then on to friends for a b-day celebration……
That was fantastic! It’ makes whatever shiat I am challenging small beans….it was all put in perspective today.
I have a lot of people that care about me…..and love me……
My gf’s are trying to set me up with a guy I have NO interest in……and keep telling me to be open minded….I told them my open mind got me to ‘today’……so….NO….i’m not interested in ‘fixing’ anyone buy myslef!!!!
There really are great peeps in the world….and when it’s our time…..that’s when they rear up.
Life will give me what it will….when it will…..all of us….
So, we must be open to deciding for ourselves, what is best and the best timeing.
For now…..i’m happy….content and loved…..what more can I ask for?!!
XXOO
EB