Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Juliet.” Juliet negotiated a settlement with her ex, the father of her daughter. Names and locations have been changed.
In the final papers, I am moving to Delaware and he gets supervised visits in Delaware (until age eight) for much longer than I would have if I were forced to fight in court and let the judge decide. Plus I am not paying for him to visit in Delaware. He agreed to pay child support of $450 once he gets a job. My daughter won’t leave Delaware with him until age 10, and she won’t fly alone to California until age 12. And she only can leave for California over spring break and summer vacation.
How did I accomplish this?
For all of you in court battles over children with a Sociopath, I think there are two main reasons he and his lawyer agreed eventually:
1) I had a very accurate timeline of events that I submitted to the court along with emails from HIM to prove the important details (I did not deluge the court with all of back and forth stuff — I stuck to the main points of fraud)
a. Lied about being single when we met
b. Lied about having cancer
c. Lied about being sterile — which resulted in my pregnancy
d. Planned a wedding with me while married to someone else — attempting bigamy
e. Tried to commit suicide 3 days before wedding to get out of trouble of not being able to marry me
f. Continued lying to employers, employment fraud, theft records (i.e. not getting better)
And the MOST important piece of evidence I submitted to the court, in my opinion
2) The DSM IV Diagnosis of Anti Social Disorder — where it lists what is classified as being a Sociopath (I got this off the Out of the Fog website). I filled it out with examples of how his behavior fits this diagnosis (See below). This is important because — if he were to fight me in court about it. He could no longer have his psychologist say he is just depressed. His psychologist would have been forced to answer why he is NOT a Sociopath, which is much harder to do once the evidence is presented.
DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy) -with names changed of course
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD) is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15, as indicated by THREE (or more) of the following:
1.Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
Examples of this in Bill: Theft (in college, in 2007, in 2009 — these are the ones I know about for certain). 8 tickets, 3 warrants out for arrest for Driving w/Suspended Licenses in 2011. Convicted of this before in 2007 as well.
2.Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
Examples of this in Bill: Pathological Liar about having cancer, being sterile, being single, jobs, resumes, unemployment fraud, gambling history, and so on. Alias — Taylor Kendrick
3.Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Examples of this in Bill: Asked me to marry him while still married to Laura. The normal person would’ve at minimum gotten a divorce at that point. He didn’t. He just ignored it until 3 days before our wedding and then tried to kill himself to get out of the doghouse for not planning ahead. Impulsive shopper — always spends money at the stores daily if not watched.
4.Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Examples of this in Bill: Anger always when caught in one of his lies — then blames you for it. Was a bouncer in college (physical). Intimidation. Manipulation. Fight with Joe Smith as a kid. Fight with his dad throwing him across the room.
5.Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
Examples of this in Bill: constant tickets (unsafe driving). As a child big daredevil — broke 37 bones. Motorcycle crash. Skiing accident. Suicide attempt. (Sometimes wonder if he doesn’t have a form of Munchausen syndrome as he always either hurt himself when I was sick — broken toes, or he mimicked my symptoms (during pregnancy and he never had a panic attack until he SAW me actually have one)).
6.Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
Examples of this in Bill: in serious debt — over $50K to parents, another $15-20K from divorce, another $5-10K in new medical bills. Took out 3 payday loans and didn’t pay them. Most of these are in collections. Closed his checking account because he is too irresponsible with money to balance it. Plus — hasn’t paid his own child support/alimony most of the time making his parents pay it. In the 3 years I’ve known him, hasn’t held a job for longer than 6 months — if he bothered working at all. Resume is full of lies. Linked in says he is the OWNER of a restaurant which isn’t true.
7.Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
Examples of this in Bill: after destroying my life, discarded me and was on phone to another woman for 282 minutes by day 4. Vacationed 2 out of 5 weeks since leaving my house which clearly shows lack of regard to our daughter and no remorse over the loss of a relationship that was to end in marriage. Moved onto dating sites within a day after breaking up with Sandra. Left ex wife via letter and left the state. Watched me get sicker throughout my pregnancy and still refused to get a job. Watched me plan a wedding and get excited about marrying him when he knew that it wasn’t going to happen — got excited watching me get my hair done, buy rings, get my hopes up. No remorse over what it cost me, my kids, or his parents to support him financially while he faked cancer.
The manual lists the following additional necessary criteria:
1.The individual is at least 18 years of age.
Bill is 40 years old
2.There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
Examples of this in Bill: He had trouble with lying and stealing at a young age according to his sister & mothers stories about taking money out of purses and so forth. He also had a violent fight with Joe Smith where he battered him without remorse for suggesting his parents had sex. Big daredevil as a kid showing no regard for personal safety — broken 37 bones. The Uncle Arthur molestation story. Also told me a story of throwing his dad across the room as a teenager when in an argument. And so on . . .
3.The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
Bill is not schizophrenic — does not have delusions or hear voices. Bill is not manic — too lazy to be, harder to get him to do anything than to keep up with him.
Unfortunately, here in NJ I have been advised by my lawyer NOT to even mention Narcissism or Sociopathy.
Supposedly, the courts don’t like us diagnosing our partners or using labels.
We can however, point out the behaviors
Well, maybe the family courts wouldn’t like this, but I can tell you the PAROLE BOARD WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT…..I JUST DECIDED HOW I WILL WORD MY NEXT PETITION TO THE PAROLE BOARD.!!!!!!
THANK YOU JULIET!!!!! ((((((Hugs))))))XOXOXOXOXOX I LOVE THIS! aLONG WITH THE PROFESSIONAL DIAGNOSIS FROM MY P-SON’S MEDICAL RECORDS (OF WHICH I HAVE A COPY! THANK YOU JESUS!) I WILL INCLUDE THESE SYMPTOMS TO GO ALONG WITH IT.
I am also dealing with this exact situation. The Judge in my case has ignored evidence of domestic violence and emotional abuse of the children, rather than have my ex-wife evaluated or bring in a third party.
The Judge was fooled initially and now recognizes that if he were to allow an evaluation, he would have to over turn all his previous rulings. He has denied requests for a Court appointed attorney, a Guardian Ad Litem, a parenting coordinator, a motion to remand to the JDR Court and a motion to recuse himself.
This article comes closest to describing my case. http://www.nccps.org.au/misc/PSYCHOPATH-AGGRESSORS-IN-THE-FAMILY-LAW-COURTS.html
I am being bullied into silence by the Judge about my concerns for the emotional welfare of my children. The Judge in my case, does not want there to be a personality disorder otherwise, it will be revealed that he was fooled.
I need a powerful attorney that is willing to speak truth to power and force the issue of psychopathy with the Court.
My ex-wife’s father has paid over $1 million in legal fees to keep me from my children.
There is definitely a ‘conspiracy of silence’ as Hervey Cleckley described it in his book Mask of Sanity, going on in my case.
I need an attorney willing to raise this issue with the Court, otherwise I may never see my children again.
Dear cmackney,
I am so sorry you are fighting such a well heeled bear….the amount of money a person has or does not have should NOT determine the fate of the children in court.
There is lots of support here for you, but unfortunately…we aren’t pro bono lawyers. I wish we were!
Stick around though there’s lots to learn and that may be of comfort to you. May God bless you and your children.
cmackney ~ so sorry you are going through such an ordeal. Here are some suggestions regarding finding an attorney, with a warning that this process will be very time consuming.
If you are in a domestic/family court and they have their records on line, search through cases that have been in front of that particular judge and see if there are attorney’s names that come up more than once as “winners” in front of that judge. See who that judge seems to respect.
If those records are not available on line, or if nothing turns up, check your district court of appeals web site and search records of cases listed as example (smith vs. smith) or in juvenile cases only initials will be listed as example (Re: NG). Check for attorneys that have a good record with appeals in such cases.
GAL’S that also handle custody cases will sometimes have a background in social services. If you could obtain a list of GAL’s used by your court or a neighboring court. They are also listed in custody cases in appeal’s court.
Get a list and start interviewing, if that attorney can’t take your case, ask their opinion of another.
Even public defenders that also take cases for fees are good at “representing the under dog” and are not afraid to go up against high priced attorneys. Check out their records also.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you for this very helpful blog post!
My heart breaks for any person that has a child with a sociopath!! As I read these stories about other people’s experiences with sociopath’s I am shocked over and over again! I can’t wrap my brain about how any human being can treat other people like that…lie and lie and lie some more with absolutely no remorse! I swear to God, I think if they x-rayed these people’s chests they would find a black hole where there should be a heart!
I filed for an restraining order and an annulment to my marriage based on fraud when my ex narcissistic sociopath “husband” (pastor) was arrested (for separate issues) after 9 months of married to him (it was absolute hell). I was told by two lawyers (consultations) that I would not be able to get an annulment based on fraud, one lawyer wanted a $10,000 retainer and the second one wanted a $13,000 retainer and there was no way I could afford that, no way! The annulment became number two on my list of priorities after it became obvious that a restraining order was necessary for my personal safety. I worked very hard on getting that restraining order without the help of a lawyer and was granted a three year order of protection. After that I went to work on the annulment and by the grace of God I was granted an annulment based on fraud! I found a woman in the court offices that helped me with my paper work. There are people out there that will help you!! I stuck to the facts that I could prove about his lying and I had a lot a documents to prove it and evidence of his sex addiction (he denied the sex addiction) by documenting his Facebook pages under fake names and keeping the web addresses and taking desktop snapshots of his fake name Facebook pages before they were removed by Facebook security. Fortunately, the self proclaimed “genius” left a lot a evidence on his lies!! Pastor genius had also lied on his minister applications, so those documents alone spoke volumes! All the while I was the only one working and paying for marriage counseling he had a fake name Facebook page stating that his goal in life was finding “the ultimate lap dance!”
Now the “pastor” has had all his church credentials rescinded. He writes on his blog and twitter claiming to be the victim again and again and again. He moved over to another church in town because too many people at his former church were on to his schemes. He was literally asked to leave the church were he was on staff as a “pastor”! He is a master manipulator and he paints big elaborate stories about how he has been abused and persecuted. He goes straight to the top, he moves into a new church and spends tons of time with the senior pastor in an attempt to establish credibility. I have heard several completely different versions of his so called “testimony”! He is looking for a woman to be his sugar momma! He will claim that he is on the verge of this job or that…not true! He has no intention of getting a job, he is stringing you along as long as possible, promising you his love and commitment! He will claim that he has never been loved like this before in his life! He figures out what makes you tick and he begins to work his con. Everything is deception with him, a vapor, no substance, no compassion, no love, just something to get what he wants from you. He talks a lot about love…a lot!! His words are completely empty! If you are a Christian he will use your faith against you, to control and manipulate you.
I never thought of making a case for my “opinion” that he is a sociopath and of the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy). He strongly meets every single requirement and then some!! I was also advised by a lawyer (friend) NOT to even mention Narcissism or Sociopathy, she said the minute you play that card then it looks like you are the crazy one. Tough call!!! I am so glad that it worked out well for this woman! God bless her! What a freaking nightmare!!
I highly recommend reading “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood and “The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships” by Patrick J. Carnes!! After I realized that it was all a lie, I felt crushed and humiliated. The person that I loved didn’t even exist in reality! Reality was that he never cared about me at all and he even had a full blown affair with a “friend” of mine while we were still married. Well…at least it was over fairly quickly! It was all just a huge con job! I have learned a lot! I am deeply thankful for my friends and family. I am deeply thankful for professional counselors that can see through the lies of a sociopath. I am deeply thankful for my LoveFraud sisters that are brave enough to share their experiences, struggles and victories as we struggle to heal and overcome the path of destruction left behind by a sociopath! God bless you, each and every one of you! It really does get better!
Thank you!
Dear Hosanna,
THANK YOU!!!! for that uplifting testimony. It is stories of success like yours that will give confidence and realistic HOPE to those still trying to come out of the FOG (fear, obligation and Guilt!)
You did a great job to get the protective order and to get the annulment! TOWANDA!!!!!! Great job and God bless.
In response to Hosanna’s post where she says there should be a black hole where there should be a heart, well from my experience with the psyco that i was with his was filled with a solid chunk of ice.
I am currently going through a divorce with my sociopathic husband. We have a 5 year old son; the first 4 years of my son’s life- he had very little interest in. Before I realized what my husband was, I assumed it was his way of punishing me for being a stay at home mom. This past year, he has become much more involved, and I believe I see genuine care and affection that he has towards our son. Is it possible for a true sociopathic father to love/care for his child; he always wanted a son- I believe he sees his son as an extention of himself. He also has said that once his son turns 4- it’ll be all about him and daddy. How do I protect our son from any psychological affect that my soon to be ex may have on him- but not limit normal custody if he’s being a good father?
brightdawn,
welcome to LF, I hope it gives you the support you need.
It might be easier to answer your questions if you tell us something about your story and why you think your husband is a spath.
As your son’s male role model, it’s going to be difficult for him not to influence the child. Children learn from what they see modeled.
From the stories I’ve heard, it seems to me that the worst combination of parents is when the father is a spath and the mother is a martyr. Since you can’t change what your husband is, you can only control you. I suggest that you model an image of a very strong woman with boundaries who is firmly in touch with reality and who also doesn’t shield her son from reality but does offer him the tools and support he needs to stay firmly grounded in it.
It would be good if you can maintain cordial relations with your ex. You know he will try to create drama in your life. Refuse to participate.