Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Juliet.” Juliet negotiated a settlement with her ex, the father of her daughter. Names and locations have been changed.
In the final papers, I am moving to Delaware and he gets supervised visits in Delaware (until age eight) for much longer than I would have if I were forced to fight in court and let the judge decide. Plus I am not paying for him to visit in Delaware. He agreed to pay child support of $450 once he gets a job. My daughter won’t leave Delaware with him until age 10, and she won’t fly alone to California until age 12. And she only can leave for California over spring break and summer vacation.
How did I accomplish this?
For all of you in court battles over children with a Sociopath, I think there are two main reasons he and his lawyer agreed eventually:
1) I had a very accurate timeline of events that I submitted to the court along with emails from HIM to prove the important details (I did not deluge the court with all of back and forth stuff — I stuck to the main points of fraud)
a. Lied about being single when we met
b. Lied about having cancer
c. Lied about being sterile — which resulted in my pregnancy
d. Planned a wedding with me while married to someone else — attempting bigamy
e. Tried to commit suicide 3 days before wedding to get out of trouble of not being able to marry me
f. Continued lying to employers, employment fraud, theft records (i.e. not getting better)
And the MOST important piece of evidence I submitted to the court, in my opinion
2) The DSM IV Diagnosis of Anti Social Disorder — where it lists what is classified as being a Sociopath (I got this off the Out of the Fog website). I filled it out with examples of how his behavior fits this diagnosis (See below). This is important because — if he were to fight me in court about it. He could no longer have his psychologist say he is just depressed. His psychologist would have been forced to answer why he is NOT a Sociopath, which is much harder to do once the evidence is presented.
DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy) -with names changed of course
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD) is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15, as indicated by THREE (or more) of the following:
1.Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
Examples of this in Bill: Theft (in college, in 2007, in 2009 — these are the ones I know about for certain). 8 tickets, 3 warrants out for arrest for Driving w/Suspended Licenses in 2011. Convicted of this before in 2007 as well.
2.Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
Examples of this in Bill: Pathological Liar about having cancer, being sterile, being single, jobs, resumes, unemployment fraud, gambling history, and so on. Alias — Taylor Kendrick
3.Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Examples of this in Bill: Asked me to marry him while still married to Laura. The normal person would’ve at minimum gotten a divorce at that point. He didn’t. He just ignored it until 3 days before our wedding and then tried to kill himself to get out of the doghouse for not planning ahead. Impulsive shopper — always spends money at the stores daily if not watched.
4.Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Examples of this in Bill: Anger always when caught in one of his lies — then blames you for it. Was a bouncer in college (physical). Intimidation. Manipulation. Fight with Joe Smith as a kid. Fight with his dad throwing him across the room.
5.Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
Examples of this in Bill: constant tickets (unsafe driving). As a child big daredevil — broke 37 bones. Motorcycle crash. Skiing accident. Suicide attempt. (Sometimes wonder if he doesn’t have a form of Munchausen syndrome as he always either hurt himself when I was sick — broken toes, or he mimicked my symptoms (during pregnancy and he never had a panic attack until he SAW me actually have one)).
6.Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
Examples of this in Bill: in serious debt — over $50K to parents, another $15-20K from divorce, another $5-10K in new medical bills. Took out 3 payday loans and didn’t pay them. Most of these are in collections. Closed his checking account because he is too irresponsible with money to balance it. Plus — hasn’t paid his own child support/alimony most of the time making his parents pay it. In the 3 years I’ve known him, hasn’t held a job for longer than 6 months — if he bothered working at all. Resume is full of lies. Linked in says he is the OWNER of a restaurant which isn’t true.
7.Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
Examples of this in Bill: after destroying my life, discarded me and was on phone to another woman for 282 minutes by day 4. Vacationed 2 out of 5 weeks since leaving my house which clearly shows lack of regard to our daughter and no remorse over the loss of a relationship that was to end in marriage. Moved onto dating sites within a day after breaking up with Sandra. Left ex wife via letter and left the state. Watched me get sicker throughout my pregnancy and still refused to get a job. Watched me plan a wedding and get excited about marrying him when he knew that it wasn’t going to happen — got excited watching me get my hair done, buy rings, get my hopes up. No remorse over what it cost me, my kids, or his parents to support him financially while he faked cancer.
The manual lists the following additional necessary criteria:
1.The individual is at least 18 years of age.
Bill is 40 years old
2.There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
Examples of this in Bill: He had trouble with lying and stealing at a young age according to his sister & mothers stories about taking money out of purses and so forth. He also had a violent fight with Joe Smith where he battered him without remorse for suggesting his parents had sex. Big daredevil as a kid showing no regard for personal safety — broken 37 bones. The Uncle Arthur molestation story. Also told me a story of throwing his dad across the room as a teenager when in an argument. And so on . . .
3.The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
Bill is not schizophrenic — does not have delusions or hear voices. Bill is not manic — too lazy to be, harder to get him to do anything than to keep up with him.
EB Dont scare him off with a thousand questions and dont reveal to much about your past scumbucket husband, if you look hard enuff you will find something bad about everybody. Just focus on a friend, a fishin buddy and have fun without worrying so much..you will see red flags if they are there but dont be miss sherlock holms until and if you do..
Thank you darlen……That’s why I love my Hens!!!!!
XXOO
pumpkin time – xxoo
Gnight sweetie….XXOO
Sky – haven’t read the link yet, but i tell ya, the spath is ALL about the character driven story wherein her characters are all heroes – even if they are dually victims or bastards.
i think this is a tell to add to our list of red flags.
@skylar
I think you are on to something with your comment, “I noticed that spaths were ‘story-driven characters’ when I first escaped from the ex-spath…They are obsessed with dramatic stories because it makes them feel ‘real’.” This was a huge factor in my relationship with my ex spath!! He is very well read and he is a big fan of poetry, I remember telling him once that he speaks his own language of hyperbole! Not only was it hyperbole, most of his grand stories are a complete lie! He takes a grain of truth and puts major spin on it, or just makes stuff up that never happened…whatever works best, and he is good at it!
@one/joy_step_at_a_time
“the spath is ALL about the character driven story wherein her characters are all heroes ”“ even if they are dually victims or bastards.”
THIS IS SO TRUE!!!!
I will add this to my list of red flags!
@ErinBrock
I am so glad you met someone, I hope he is a good man! I appreciate seeing a survivor of a spath relationship even wanting to go “there”…I have a long long way to go in that department! One of the good things about this online community is the encouragement that comes from reading about the “moving on” part of this journey! THANK YOU!
ErinBrock,
Thanks for the pep talk. You are absolutely right. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, there is only so long they can say that its not a duck.
Its not even a matter of saying it in their language. Its not chinese. Its what is in the best interest of the children. A personality disorder known for creating chaos, depression, confusion and keeping children from their father is not recommended by anyone, anywhere.
The circumstances of my situation are such that the Court can not avoid ruling on psychopathy in my case. They can pretend it doesnt exist if they want, but it does and appropriate steps must be taken to monitor the emotional welfare of the children and minimize the conflict.
Thanks!
Cmackney;
You know your case well…..it just seemed as if you are not achieving your ultimate goal of presenting her in the light which would help your kids.
Sometimes just a simple change in vocabulary will work wonders…….I found in my dealings with the family courts….that using the phrase CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDER gained attention 100% of the time….it provoked the legal folks to ask for more info on ‘what’ that meant. And research it on their own……and find a connection on their own.
THis way I wasn’t shoving a platform down anyones throats…..they asked! Hence willing to receive the info.
Ofcoarse if your ex is not diagnosed…..that’s another battle altogether.
Protecting your children is #1…….
Toxic is toxic……and being diagnosed sociopath won’t remove your children from her care……it’s the documentation of harmful behaviors being repeated and presented to a judge ……over and over….that will.
Like a judge told my eldest Jr…….”We are NOT in the business of breaking up families”. Jr responded……”you are not breaking up our family, my father did that all with his own chosen behaviors and abuse!”
erin – wow, hats off to jr!!!!
ErinB,
WOW!!! GIve Junior a hug from his Auntie Oxy!!!! WOW!!! that is just a profound statement he made to the judge!
One of my “boy scouts” (young man, college student, and now an adult leader in scouts as well as Eagle Scout etc) is here this weekend for “therapy” and to just get away from the stress his mom and sibs are going through with his P-father, who fraudulently took out “educational loans” in his son’s name and now son has discovered as he went to enroll in the spring semester that all his educational loans have been taken out by daddy-o and maxed out, and now he is in a double bind. Stay out of school and the loans become payable immediately, or go back to school without enough money to pay tuition….not much choice….last Christmas he had given the money he had saved for college (by working) to his mom for his younger sibs to have a Christmas so now has no back up resources because he didn’t know about the “loans” until about a month ago. This is such a GREAT young man, and his sperm donor has abused him and the rest of the kids, all the while keeping up a FAKE MASK of “loving and responsible” father and citizen….I’m just so angry at this man and how he has treated his wife and kids….not that any of it surprises me, it is just “typical” psychopathic fall out. Like toxic waste, it pollutes anyone it comes into contact with, and each psychopath doesn’t just harm JUST 1 or 2 people, but MANY PEOPLE to one degree or another.