Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who we’ll call “Juliet.” Juliet negotiated a settlement with her ex, the father of her daughter. Names and locations have been changed.
In the final papers, I am moving to Delaware and he gets supervised visits in Delaware (until age eight) for much longer than I would have if I were forced to fight in court and let the judge decide. Plus I am not paying for him to visit in Delaware. He agreed to pay child support of $450 once he gets a job. My daughter won’t leave Delaware with him until age 10, and she won’t fly alone to California until age 12. And she only can leave for California over spring break and summer vacation.
How did I accomplish this?
For all of you in court battles over children with a Sociopath, I think there are two main reasons he and his lawyer agreed eventually:
1) I had a very accurate timeline of events that I submitted to the court along with emails from HIM to prove the important details (I did not deluge the court with all of back and forth stuff — I stuck to the main points of fraud)
a. Lied about being single when we met
b. Lied about having cancer
c. Lied about being sterile — which resulted in my pregnancy
d. Planned a wedding with me while married to someone else — attempting bigamy
e. Tried to commit suicide 3 days before wedding to get out of trouble of not being able to marry me
f. Continued lying to employers, employment fraud, theft records (i.e. not getting better)
And the MOST important piece of evidence I submitted to the court, in my opinion
2) The DSM IV Diagnosis of Anti Social Disorder — where it lists what is classified as being a Sociopath (I got this off the Out of the Fog website). I filled it out with examples of how his behavior fits this diagnosis (See below). This is important because — if he were to fight me in court about it. He could no longer have his psychologist say he is just depressed. His psychologist would have been forced to answer why he is NOT a Sociopath, which is much harder to do once the evidence is presented.
DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy) -with names changed of course
Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD) is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) Personality Disorder:
A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15, as indicated by THREE (or more) of the following:
1.Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
Examples of this in Bill: Theft (in college, in 2007, in 2009 — these are the ones I know about for certain). 8 tickets, 3 warrants out for arrest for Driving w/Suspended Licenses in 2011. Convicted of this before in 2007 as well.
2.Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
Examples of this in Bill: Pathological Liar about having cancer, being sterile, being single, jobs, resumes, unemployment fraud, gambling history, and so on. Alias — Taylor Kendrick
3.Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Examples of this in Bill: Asked me to marry him while still married to Laura. The normal person would’ve at minimum gotten a divorce at that point. He didn’t. He just ignored it until 3 days before our wedding and then tried to kill himself to get out of the doghouse for not planning ahead. Impulsive shopper — always spends money at the stores daily if not watched.
4.Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Examples of this in Bill: Anger always when caught in one of his lies — then blames you for it. Was a bouncer in college (physical). Intimidation. Manipulation. Fight with Joe Smith as a kid. Fight with his dad throwing him across the room.
5.Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
Examples of this in Bill: constant tickets (unsafe driving). As a child big daredevil — broke 37 bones. Motorcycle crash. Skiing accident. Suicide attempt. (Sometimes wonder if he doesn’t have a form of Munchausen syndrome as he always either hurt himself when I was sick — broken toes, or he mimicked my symptoms (during pregnancy and he never had a panic attack until he SAW me actually have one)).
6.Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
Examples of this in Bill: in serious debt — over $50K to parents, another $15-20K from divorce, another $5-10K in new medical bills. Took out 3 payday loans and didn’t pay them. Most of these are in collections. Closed his checking account because he is too irresponsible with money to balance it. Plus — hasn’t paid his own child support/alimony most of the time making his parents pay it. In the 3 years I’ve known him, hasn’t held a job for longer than 6 months — if he bothered working at all. Resume is full of lies. Linked in says he is the OWNER of a restaurant which isn’t true.
7.Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
Examples of this in Bill: after destroying my life, discarded me and was on phone to another woman for 282 minutes by day 4. Vacationed 2 out of 5 weeks since leaving my house which clearly shows lack of regard to our daughter and no remorse over the loss of a relationship that was to end in marriage. Moved onto dating sites within a day after breaking up with Sandra. Left ex wife via letter and left the state. Watched me get sicker throughout my pregnancy and still refused to get a job. Watched me plan a wedding and get excited about marrying him when he knew that it wasn’t going to happen — got excited watching me get my hair done, buy rings, get my hopes up. No remorse over what it cost me, my kids, or his parents to support him financially while he faked cancer.
The manual lists the following additional necessary criteria:
1.The individual is at least 18 years of age.
Bill is 40 years old
2.There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
Examples of this in Bill: He had trouble with lying and stealing at a young age according to his sister & mothers stories about taking money out of purses and so forth. He also had a violent fight with Joe Smith where he battered him without remorse for suggesting his parents had sex. Big daredevil as a kid showing no regard for personal safety — broken 37 bones. The Uncle Arthur molestation story. Also told me a story of throwing his dad across the room as a teenager when in an argument. And so on . . .
3.The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
Bill is not schizophrenic — does not have delusions or hear voices. Bill is not manic — too lazy to be, harder to get him to do anything than to keep up with him.
Oxy…..what a SKANK of a scumbag…..Typical though..
They always have an opera song to sing…..ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, me,meeeeeeeeeee!
It sounds like this kid will make it IN SPITE of his father……
Yeah….this was a private chat with Jr and Judge…..and Jr didn’t think the judge ‘heard’ him…..OH YES SHE DID…..LOUD N CLEAR! It was clear when she walked into the courtroom afterwards……there was a great big elephant sitting on top of spath! 🙂
That’s my boy!
Oxy
You shared about this terrific young man and his family delimma just recently. It is so wonderful for you to give him a place to decompress.
What a terrible situation. Dad needs to go to jail for ID theft and fraud. But I understand that if prosecuted, mom loses income from Dad who is family breadwinner. In my book, this is double tragedy for the son. What his dad did and the emotional extortion his mom is doing to him. The guilt trip! Really upsetting that she’s asking her son to sacrifice for her and the other kids. Guess he should b/c they are more valuable. That mom would get a job and take charge while Dad does time for his crime… no, the emotional burden must be on Jr. Carp Carp Carp. A pox on dad and MOM. Yes, dad was awful to mom but SHE’s THE MOM, not the kid. If mom did the right thing, no it’s not easy, but it is the RIGHT/MORALLY correct thing and what a role model that would be for the family members that matter.
*&*^%!!!! – Katy
Dear Katy,
Mom DOES have a job and is working hard to raise her kids and keep a roof over their heads. This young man still lives at home so he CAN help out with the younger kids still at home. It is a GREAT family of kids…and all the kids seem to be doing pretty well though this horrible divorce is taking a toll on all of them I am sure.
Mom had to get a restraining order against dad, and he has violated it in intent and substance….done all kinds of nasty things to the kids and to mom….and things just to BE EVIL, but not things that he really “gets anything” out of except being EVIL to his kids….like cutting this son (age 23) out of his medical coverage though it does not save dad a single Dollar, he cuts the son out just to be EVIL….mom’s job doesn’t have medical insurance….so what insurance the kids all have is via daddy-dearest….so now the son needs therapy and medication, but can’t get it because daddy-dearest dropped it.
Just typical psychopathic behavior, hurt others just for the hell-of-it, and I get so bent out of shape when one of my “boys” gets emotionally and physically beat on by a psychopathic-type parent….I mean here is a kid who WORKS hard to provide for his own living expenses, and to go to college and get good grades, helps out his mom with the younger kids, volunteers to mentor younger kids in scouting, and then his sperm donor not only abuses him but takes his educational loans through FRAUD so the kid has to pay them back, starting in the spring semester if he can’t afford to go back to school because he has no federal educational loans.
The mom is fighting hard to keep her head afloat with 5 kids still at home besides the 23 year old….and several of them are in therapy as well….because of this daddy-dearest! It just hurts me when my friends are hurt by someone who is high in P traits, and they are doing the best they can to live up to a HIGH STANDARD of behavior and responsibility and they get the props knocked out from under them.
Nothing “unusual” about this case, just that I happen to be more aware of it, just typical P-type behavior. TYPICAL. PAINFUL. UNNECESSARY. HATEFUL. And I hope there is a hot spot in hell for every person who hurts their child, whether that child is 3 days, 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades old.
Thanks for a little more of the insight into this family’s struggle.
I am still mystified why son would have to pay the financial burden dumped on him by a criminal committing a crime. After all, WE the public do not have to pay for the debts that our ID theft perpertrators do to us.
We are on the same page when it comes to crimes against children, I do not stand by when I see it happen. But something is not logical to me in the insistence that the boy pays a loan his father ILLEGALLY perpetrated.
As an escapee from the nuthouse, I do get that the world of spaths is crazymaking, I lived far worse than what you describe for this young man. I am supportive. But the burden does not belong to the son, it’s the father’s and NO LAW forces such an illegal debt on the son.
ErinBrock,
I appreciate your comments and input. My situation is the way it is because the Judge simply does not wish to consider psychopathy. I think he knows what would happen if he ordered her to have a psychological evaluation. He would have to over turn all of his previous rulings if she was the one with the severe personality disorder.
I have given evidence of physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, fraud, lying, a traumatic brain injury and even a felony and the judge has ignored it all. He only wants to keep his focus on me. Blame the victim.
It is as if I am being raped and I am being told to stop screaming about it, be quiet and accept it. He wants me to stop before he will let me see my children. Its so messed up.
Cmackney;
Well…..if giving up isn’t an option for you……..then dig for a new aproach.
You can go either way!
I know the feeling of doors being slammed……you just gotta kick em right back in so hard….the hinges break and cant’ close on you again!
Don’t settle for victim…….it can be habitual! FIND A WAY!!!!! GET MAD, GET ANGRY……and build from there!
Good luck, i’m out of ideas.
KatyDid,
You are right, he is not legally responsible for a debt that was NOT his, that his father forged his name on…BUT…he would have to PROVE THIS and that means attorneys, charging his father with a crime, etc., and right now the young man literally does not have the emotional strength to accomplish that. Sometimes we just have to “let it ride” in order to survive and other times we must “fight to the death”— I personally would like to see the young man fight it out, charge his father with a crime, etc. but at THIS POINT it is not being done. I am not the one who has to live with it, or endure it, or fight it, or give up on it….it is NOT MY DECISION….it is the young man’s decision, and the consequences are his and his mother’s and the siblings. While it might be “satisfying” for him to put his father in jail, he has 5 younger sibs that are depending on that child support from his dad’s job as well as medical insurance etc . if the dad loses his job because he is accused of a crime (and as a state employee he would lose his job) the consequences to the family as a whole might be much worse. Each of us have to make our own decisions about what to fight and what to let ride. It makes me angry because I love this young man and his family and I hate like heck that they are suffering because this man is a psychopath, but it ain’t my responsibility to make the decision, and they are the ones who must live with the consequences of their decisions.
@ErinBrock,
I guess where was this blog on Sept 30th when I asked the Judge for a an Evaluation, he denied it and I was sitting there looking like the crazy person. I hired and attorney that day, so I can stay out of the line of fire.
You made an interesting statement..
“Ofcoarse if your ex is not diagnosed”..that’s another battle altogether.”
She to my knowledge has only been diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder, but I feel 100% that she suffers from the APD, but bc she looks well together on the exterior it’s hard getting someone to looke at the interior. She is under the care of a mental health profession, but I don’t beleive they have dealt with someone like her before. I believe they believe all the lies and garabage. We are working to a plan and I need input on how to get her evaluated properly, so she can get a proper diagnoses.
I fear for the safety of the children.
Von- Haven’t seen you before. Whats your story?
Oxy, I understand the position of the wife with the kids. Losing his income because he is in jail would be tough, but the wife can apply for and receive Social Security for each child Because their father is in jail. (My mom’s Welfare Whore neighbor does this for her three kids who’s fathers are each in jail.) What amount each, I do not know, but if he has been working- the money is there.
She can also apply for help with housing, food and other government assistance programs through the state. Again, I’m not sure how much she would recieve or what all she would get, but she is working, she pays her taxes (Social workers wages come from this) so I feel she is and rightly should be entitled to some kind of help. She should not at all feel like she is asking for a hand-out, but the help and assistance she has paid into the system (through taxes) to fairly receive.
The 23 year-old in need of meds, should also be able to receive state funded health care which would and should, cover his needs. Counselling may also be covered under this as well. If nothing else- it is all worth checking into. It would be a HUGE statement to the spath that they are not taking his crap anymore or playing his stupid games.