Editor’s note: Here is Part 2 of yesterday’s article, “Almost everything under the sun happened to me, and I’m fine,” written by a reader who posts as “Jen.”
Okay, so I had a crappy childhood, but I survived it. I came out of it okay. I have had what I now think might have been sociopaths in my life from time to time as friends, lovers, or family. At the time, I had no clue what they were, but I did know they were screwed up. I quickly rid parasites from my life after I figured out they were just out to use people. I was strong, and I was no way going to be surrounded by meanness.
So, 2 years after my divorce, I ran into an ex from 20 years prior. I was down in the dumps when I met him again. I had lost my wonderful job and my big fat paycheck. I had plans and dreams that were about to come true. Everything came crashing down on me, and I moved back to my hometown. (Stupid economy!) I got a small apartment for my kids, my golden retriever, and I. I was getting unemployment, but we were barely scraping by. I decided to suck up my pride and go see if the state would help me out with food stamps. I was humiliated, as I do not like taking anything from anyone.
This is where I ran into him, again. At the food stamp office. I should have known better. We started talking, and he said he was just trying to get back on his feet from his break up with his ex. He told me he had done some pretty amazing stuff in the years (now I think it was all bs), and I told him some of my experiences. I also told him I was writing a book, and he said he was doing the same. I sucked up my shyness and I gave him my number. He looked different, cleaner, and more mature than I remembered him. He was also very good looking. How could I judge him? I was getting food stamps myself!
He called a couple of days later, and said he wanted to hang out. He sounded embarrassed when he told me he was broke. I said it was okay, and we could hang out at my place. We got along great! He said he had quit drinking (he drank a lot when we were younger), and at that point in his life he only had a beer here and there. That was fine with me as I wasn’t much of a drinker. He worked, and he exercised all the time. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Maybe, at that time, he wasn’t lying, but it was short lived.
Into the trap
I fell into his trap. I was sucked in and lost. He would tell me how wonderful I was, and how much he loved me. I was rather curious as to why he never had any money to his name (not even a dollar). He was supposed to be working, and he lived with his mom (just staying there for a few months to get on his feet, again). He told me he had to help his mom out, since she was having a hard time with money. He had a car sitting in her driveway, but it was broken. I wondered why he couldn’t get it fixed. I blew these questions off in my mind. I was trying to be understanding, since life had just kicked me in the butt.
Finally, I said that I loved him back. It was right before he was going out of town with his father for Thanksgiving. When he came back he seemed different. He was colder and not as considerate of me anymore. His family suddenly started talking about his ex nonstop. He never said anything about her, and he looked uncomfortable. I guess he would get into huge fights with them over her, but they didn’t care or respect his wishes to keep her out of his and my lives. It was really weird, and I was uncomfortable.
My boyfriend, whom I was beginning to fall head over heals for, suddenly started drinking a lot. He lost his job, and was completely broke, still living at mom’s. I figured it was the stress from being broke, unemployed, and 41 living at his mom’s house. I felt terrible for this ‘poor’ soul. I wanted to help, but I didn’t have much money, either. I was starting my old company back up that my father had left barely running, as a division of his company, while I lived out of state. It was a moneymaker, but his current employees ran it into the ground. So, I was scraping by, as it was. I had my boyfriend work with me a few times, and I paid him very well. He just seemed to spend his money on beer and give it to his mother. He told me how he was depressed, and needed a full time job. I found him jobs left and right, but now I think he didn’t even call. (I was blind at the time.)
Apartment
Finally, I felt like I should do something to really help this guy. I told myself we all need a little help once in a while in life, and I could help him. I asked my brother to hire him on full time with his company. I fixed his car myself. I also got it insured and registered. My lease on my apartment was up, and I asked him if he wanted to get a place with me. He said yes.
He had me rent this beautiful townhouse with a lovely yard for my dog. Then the day before we were due to move in, he tells me he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship. I had paid them all their money, and just signed a year’s lease, in my name only. I knew I couldn’t afford the rent on my own. I don’t even think I could speak when he told me that. The next day, he changed his tune, but he only moved in some of his clothes. I complained that he wasn’t really living there after a few weeks of him not really having any of his stuff there. So, he went to his mom’s and grabbed two things to hang on the wall. Gee…
Life was hell. He was mean to me, every day. Up and down and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t figure out what happened to the man I fell in love with. He started going to his mom’s every day after work, and he would spend at least two nights a week there. He complained that he didn’t want to pay rent, because ‘he deserved a Harley’ to ride. His drinking was getting out of control, as was his behavior. I was just turning into a puddle. Nothing I said or did made anything better. In fact, it only seemed to get worse. He seemed intelligent before, and now there was no logic or reason with him at all.
Ex-girlfriend
The ex-girlfriend was becoming a never-ending problem, as well. His sister decided to be best friends with her, after she said such cruel things about this woman. I found out his ex was trying to get him back, and his family was pushing him towards it. He really didn’t want her, but I didn’t know this at the time as he rarely spoke of her. They liked her better than me. She partied, did coke, and paid for all their partying. She was a nurse and made a lot of money (so they said). They said she would be rich someday. Also, she is a Navajo Indian, and he is a Sioux. I am white. They are racist. Big problem that I was unaware of.
It was all just drama that I was not used to. I was shocked by the things these people did and said. I had no clue at the time that his mom and sister were narcissists, but I did know his brother and nephew were psychopaths (the scary criminal kind). The things I’ve seen these people do is unbelievable, and it would take me 100 pages just to summarize it.
Needless to say, he moved out after 2 1/2 months, and I got stuck with rent I couldn’t afford. He got drunk and lost his job with my brother after 3 months of working there. I think it was the last straw for me. I was shattered. It was a horrible year!
Depression
I fell into a short and temporary deep depression. I am sure I wasn’t the best of mothers, walking around in a daze. I don’t remember much, and I don’t know why. My teenage son picked up some of the slack for me with my daughter. He could see something was wrong, but he didn’t know what. I remember wanting nothing more than to die. I wanted to kill myself, and it was all I could think of. I told my boyfriend something was wrong, and I was worried because I was having thoughts of suicide. He didn’t care. I asked my mom for help, and told her what I was feeling. I knew at that time that my brain was just reacting to being under too much stress for too long. I knew I needed help. No one cared or was there. I couldn’t afford therapy. The mental abuse and money situation was just weighing on me too much, and I finally broke all the way. It had gone on for too long.
The day I had picked to be the end of me came. I had plenty of life insurance for my kids, and I couldn’t see how I was any benefit to anyone. I felt like a failure in every way.
I was going to go to the mountains by myself, and I would make it look like an accident. I had it all planned out, and I looked forward to it. Then the sweetest little face came bouncing at me, and said, “Mommy, I love you. Where are you going? Can I come?” I woke up in that instant.
I felt so guilty and awful for what I was about to do. How could I leave this innocent sweet child without any parents? She loved me so, and I was being horrible and selfish in my way of thinking. How could I do that to my son as well? It would have crushed their little souls. Besides, I am the girl who has always loved life. My only fear is death. After we die, how will we hold hands, or give our babies a kiss and hugs? I like the physical aspects of love and life, so how could I be willing to leave this?
Growing stronger
I grew angry as my eyes started to open. How was it possible to twist me around so bad inside? He was just one man, and I grew up around people like him. His family reminded me of my father’s family (which I was sheltered from, for the most part). I knew better. I tried to leave him then, but I think I was still weak. This man was 41, drunk, refused to work, and living with his mother! Ewwww! AND yet, he still sucked me in, again! I felt sorry for him. How pathetic?
I did grow much stronger and rather quickly. His lies and mean stuff he pulled weren’t working anymore. He seemed more frustrated, and he got meaner. I would dump him, and he would come back. Or I would dump him, and then feel so horrible inside that I went back to him. I thought I loved him, but I know love is a two way street. It wasn’t love, but some sick twisted need. He created that need in me, but it was up to me to get rid of it.
My resentment grew and grew, until about the last month or so. Then my love started being replaced by disgust. I started to see him for what he was—stupid, boring, pathetic, and a leech. I had no respect for him. A small piece of me felt bad and loved him still, but I knew it was the beginning of the end that I looked forward to.
Breaking free
I knew I had to emotionally break free while I was with him. Otherwise, I would have forgotten the bad (like I like to do) and only remembered the good in him. I would have never been able to be free. I know me, and I know there are only 2 surefire ways to make me turn my feelings off like a lightning bolt. The first is to do or say mean things to my children, and the second is to hit me. He has never done either of these.
Well, he must have sensed my planned escape from him. He suddenly got very nice and sweet again, but I waited. I knew he’d do something horribly cruel to me in no time at all. Besides, I just had to tell myself that he is now a 42-year-old man, who lives with his mother and brother, refuses to work, and never does anything for anyone. Valentine’s Day was coming, and he has never gotten me a gift for anything, ever. He spent all of his money on beer last Saturday, and then he promptly started an insane fight over nothing. He dumped me for Valentine’s Day, just like I knew he would. Of course, he blamed me. Technically, I did the dumping, as I didn’t want to be treated so horrible, but I know his games. It was all his doing.
I feel like it was the best Valentine’s Day gift I could have ever received from him: My freedom and my sanity. I cried a little last night, but not over him. I was sad I had put myself in this situation and wasted my time and energy. I feel strong and I am done in my heart and head with him. I had already felt this way for a while, but must have needed a little more convincing.
Not jaded
I am getting back to the person I used to be, and my heart doesn’t hurt anymore. I am angry and baffled at how this one man wrecked me so badly. I went through so much as a child, and it never affected me like this.
I do know what is wrong with me, though. I have helped people throughout my life, as I have been through the school of hard knocks. Some of them have been con artists or mentally ill, and some really needed it. I need to work on my need to heal the world of its sufferings. It is me that needs more healing, and instead of doing that, I set out to save us all. Ha ha, I know it’s not possible. I am too trusting and too loving, and I think I will work on whom not to trust and love. There are a lot of cruel people in this world, but I don’t think that should stop us from caring about the ones who really need our love and trust.
I will not let this man jade me, just as I didn’t let my childhood experiences jade me. If I do, they win. I will still love, trust, and respect others, but I will be a lot more selective especially with the lower life ones. I can run from the educated ones, but the lower life dummies get my sympathies every time. “It’s not their fault life was so hard for them.” Well, it was hard for me too, but I don’t use people, treat them like objects, lie, and I’m not mean. So, boo hoo!
Petitie!!
You sound GREAT!
See ya at the party this weekend!
LL
Party!!! Yahooooooooo. Is it bring a bottle? Are we having nibbles? Sleep over? Will we be dancing on the tables? Is it fancy dress? Can I wear a mask and come as a spath? Can’t wait.
I read what everyone has said. I want to tell you guys about the oxytocin thing. I met him on EH btw.
I married very sexually inexperienced (one b/f in college prior), so I didn’t know what to expect or what I was missing sexually in marriage. I know that it was never passionate nor satisfying, not even in honeymoon. He just wasn’t connected or attuned to me ever. Never felt seen as a woman, as a sexual being, more like an idolized object, like a mother figure, and this is what drove me nuts after 20 yrs of marriage and, yes, being like roommates. It was exrutiating. I sought help–counselors, marriage counselors, books, tapes…he poo pooed it all and didn’t accept my frustration. Then a retreat about love and intimacy put the nail in the coffin–we just could not do intimacy. It was never going to happen.
So…now the oxytocyn with this man, C, I met on eHarmony.
I have read about the bonding here, from others. I have never experienced it in my life before. I am 44. I have longed for a physical and emotional connection ALL my life. And here it is…or seems to be with Mr. C.
Yes, exactly because of the physical closeness, I felt more open, trusting, empathetic, and generous. And protective. Amazing how much of a bond that has made. I think actually both ways. I have NEVER experienced such trust sexually, ever.
And to hear you all talk about oxytocin’s influence and how it clouds judgment…wow…it’s eye opening. I so agree that I am totally gone due to this new experience. The sex satisfies some deeper, childlike, need for nurturing and warmth and closeness. So much more the reason not to engage in it two months but to wait and know more.
I emailed him today that it is important to me that he find someone to talk to now, instead of waiting. He had said that he has some work to do, and he will, and he WILL fix this, he’s motivate, including talking to someone as I’d mentioned before. It was a challenge on my part to tell him directly I want him to get counseling right now.
Interesting, there was NO response the rest of the day. NOrmally when I text him harmless things, he replies immediately.
I also want to send you guys the email he sent me immediately after the trip when he was afraid I’d cut and run. Please look at it. I’ll post it in a minute.
So thank you for reminding me just in how much danger I might be in — or as LL shouts, AM in. Thank you LL. Because I want all of this that he is giving me…especially the lovemaking… gosh that is the achilles’ heel. My hugest vulnerability having wanted it in my marriage. My ex husband used to tell me I smelled bad when I’d try to get close, say “did you shower? did you brush your teeth? ” and used to tell me my hair smelled bad. It was so hurtful and so scarring. And to have this man be loving and good to me in bed is like a balm to those wounds….very scary how easily I could and probably DID get attached to him because of those old wounds.
THank you so much for all you words of caution.
Here’s his email right after the bad experience on trip:
“Just a quick note, as you have plenty to do tonight. I really appreciate that you were able to get away for our trip – thank you. It was great to be away with you, to spend time with you, to make love with you. When we talked about 1/2 hour ago, you made a really nice comment to the effect that you would have liked to have spent more time with me and that we had a rough ending. I think it’s really important that you communicated your thoughts to me. It may seem unusual that I’d say that I learned a lot from talking with you today, but I really did.
When I say “I get it”, what I’m “getting” is what my behavior was and what effect it had on you and why. Internally, my angry reaction wasn’t that big of a deal at the time…just a passing thing or flashpoint, directed at some unknown person … Thank you for telling me what that anger meant to you. That anger wasn’t appropriate to the situation, and my outward reaction certainly wasn’t appropriate. There’s really no excuse, but I wouldn’t have truly known and understood without you opening up.
You’ve given me the information I need to start addressing the issue, and I will. Having shaken your sense of safety is terrible, totally the opposite of what you should have with me and the opposite of what I really am about. My core, normal state doesn’t have much to do with anger, nor do I take any joy/pride or similar in being angry. This is not going to be about a major personality shift or rethinking my values or training myself to have a new basic view of the world. I do have homework to do and I won’t make any sweeping, unchangeable assumptions at this point. But I do know my core well. I’m comfortable that my core is in the right place. I’ll work from there and do what I need to do.
You left me with a feeling that I’m very, very thankful for. That’s the feeling that I have the opportunity to work on things with your support. I’ll reiterate what I told you today. I have no illusions whatsoever that you should be the one to lead growth in me. I am responsible for that, no one else. I ask some things of you, and if you think they’re off-target please tell me so we can reach common ground. I promise to always make every effort to hear you – I want to, I’m made that way, I’ll be there – my ask? Please communicate with me the best you can and don’t assume that I know certain things. I only want the best for us and to be a healthy partner for you. Your communication to me allows me understanding, affords me the opportunity to grow, I’m eager to hear you.
When things are difficult, you feel hurt, I feel hurt…communication can become harder than in the “easy” times. I respect and understand that. As I go through this process I won’t burden you or dwell on things, the “ask” is for you to try to continue to understand that I’m working on things and be available to share your thoughts or occasionally let me share what I’m thinking.
My other ask? Please remember that I’m committed to contributing to the sapling’s growth. You are once-in-a-lifetime, a uniquely special person. I am in love with you and our relationship means so much to me.”
And this morning after he texted me a simple Hi, I sent him a blunt email:
“It is important to me that you find someone to talk to now, rather than later. I was thinking about our conversations, and believe it would be helpful, both to you and to us. Please tell me how you feel about that and we can talk more.”
NO RESPONSE. Not even, I’ll think about it, I’ll talk to you later, or even something unrelated. None.
Skylar, if you want to talk thru email, let me know how to get in touch.
And, maybe due to the bonding thing, my wishful thinking, perverse need to be convinced… I read the above email as sincere and believe it.
Skylar, pls let me know how to email you.
Dancing warrior—
You BARELY KNOW this guy and he is telling you
“You are once-in-a-lifetime, a uniquely special person. I am in love with you and our relationship means so much to me.”
This guy is coming on wayyyyyyy tooo fast! RUN!!!!!! RUN!!!!! Don’t look back.
The fact that you received no response is also very telling. I think this guy is just after a piece of ass. They tell us what we WANT to hear, what we LONG TO HEAR—the ROMANCE we have longed for and desire and presto—our hormones light up our pleasure center in our brain and we are HOOKED like a fish going for a baited hook.
I’m sorry sugar, stay off the INTERNET DATING SITES, they are sewers, so why go fishing there? All you will catch is chit.! I am so sorry (((hugs)))))
Dancing – none of this is ‘real’. He’s keeping you in suspense (mind games) so that when he does contact you you will be so grateful you will fall into his arms. Ox is right……….RUN
DW
I’m not at home now. But later tonight I will email Donna requesting her to send my email address to you. You can do the same and ask her to send your email to me.
I must say that after this last post I’m more concerned. At first it seemed like he was borderline or perhaps had emotional issues. But this last email sounds like he is trying to dive into your soul.
It’s like he is trying to convince you how important is that he know you inside and out. That is the biggest red flag of all. Because that information would give him your hooks, your vulnerabilities. Its hard to write on this phone, will post more later.
“You are once-in-a-lifetime, a uniquely special person. I am in love with you and our relationship means so much to me.”
This is THE biggest, most SINGLE indicator that this guy if he is not an outright SPATH, he’s definitely toxic!!
I’m observing something here that I want to share with you (Sky, DO NOT take this personally, PLEASE).
While you say you understand he’s not “quite right” in some MANY WAYS and has shown you NUMEROUS red flags, you are STILL looking for someone to validate your oxytocin ridden hope that this man is ANYTHING but other than what he IS. Okay, having said that, I think you’re globbing into Sky’s interpretation that somehow you need to “TEST” this man before he doesn’t “Pass” before you STOP NOW AND HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!
DW, GET OUT OF THIS “RELATIONSHIT”. There were quite a few things in quotes in his emails, something that my spath use to do to me when he was being “sarcastic” or not taking me seriously. This guy is using you as a piece of ass and nothing more. He got his hooks in and KNEW that your vulnerability was a SEXUAL ONE. They ALL know this!! I don’t know if you shared with him about NOT having sex during your marriage, but if you did, THAT IS HIS HOOK RIGHT NOW!!!!
Bastards. Man oh man.
Another thing, and I”ll reiterate AGAIN, DW, is that when you jump into bed with a man, you LOSE SELF RESPECT and you lose HIS respect (not that he ever respected you in the first place by the way, you would have been nothing more than a challenge until he tired of waiting and decided to find another victim to screw), therefore this gives him LICENSE to start his SPATHY behaviors in EXACTLY what you’re seeing now IE: He’s not texting back!!!!!!!! He long ago started the games, DW. WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER PLAYING AT ALL????????????
I think ANYONE that tells you to go further with this man is OFF THEIR ROCKER!!!!!! HE DIDN”T PASS THE TEST FROM THE GET GO!!!! And I don’t think Sky will encourage you to keep “testing” this garbage can of a man.
NOW YOU ARE AWARE!! it’s up TO YOU to do something about it.
You came here because you KNEW something wasn’t right. That was a GOOD THING…. You did it because despite your oxytocin high, DW, YOU KNOW that you can now TRUST YOUR GUTT.
GET OFF the dating sites. They are INCREDIBLY dangerous. And no EH is NO BETTER than match, chemistry, plenty of fish or ANY other site. no site is “Safe” from these bastards and their MANY days spent fishing for victims.. DO NOT BE ONE, DW.
Jump ship RIGHT NOW. You don’t need ENCOURAGEMENT to test more or to stay.
Go with your gut. It’s what put you here about it in the first place!!
YOU CAN DO IT!
LL
Hey there Dancing Warrior!
Thanks for sharing your new sweeties post. It revealed all you need to know.
Your relationship has already been set up and defined. You are his rescuer. SOOO!!! Which are you?? Are you his mommy or his therapist???!!
He’s this age and that articulate, yet he needs your help to be a decent person b/c it didn’t occur to him that something was off, YET…. his core is just fine so he really isn’t “off” after all??? That’s a hell of a convoluted message, backpeddling in the same post!!
Well. At least you know that by being his woman, when he messes up, you know who to blame, it’s easy!! Just look in the mirror!! (b/c after all… if you fail to FIX him, then it’s YOUR fault!)
Amazing how quickly your relationship skipped over mutually beneficial respect stage and went straight to the beginning of the end stages of a bad marriage. But I’m guessing this guy has had a lot of practice, and he only needs the RIGHT woman to resolve his bad behavior issues.
SO textbook abuse dynamics. Pedophiles “groom” their victims. So do abusers. It’s all exploitation and emotional power plays in order to get control over the prey.
And YES, you are his PREY.