By Ox Drover
I’ve been on the “Road to Healing” for a couple of years now, working on getting over the worst of the grief of my losses. According to the author of Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T, the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. I have surely suffered PTSD from the extreme losses by deception that I have suffered.
Ms. Huffer outlines eight steps to recovery for her LAS (Legal Abuse Syndrome), which she shows as caused by the legal abuse that our unfair judicial system heaps upon the heads of those already abused by others. Her eight steps for recovery are basically the recovery from the grief of our losses that we all go through in our attempts to recover.
“Health,” though, according to my education in nursing school, is not a “state of being” that is absolute, but a point on a continuum from Illness to Health. Recovery, I think, too, is a point on a continuum that goes from “Utter Devastation to Recovery.” I have passed the midpoint on that continuum from the point of “utter devastation” from which I found myself after the death of my husband and the coordinated and serial attacks of the psychopaths in my life. I now find myself reaching a point on the Road to Healing/Recovery where I have reached the milestone of Acceptance of WHAT IS, and no longer pine and grieve over WHAT I WISH WAS.
I am no longer feeling the acute pain of grief, I am no longer angry at my abusers, I no longer want to do them harm, in fact, I can actually pray for them with a sincere heart. I don’t trust them at all, of course, nor would I break no contact with them, but the worst of the horrible emotions I felt upon discovering their betrayal are no longer afflicting me. I am closer to Healing and Recovery than I am to the Utter Devastation.
Now what will my life be?
I look in the mirror, and the wrinkles are still there. I get on the scale and the numbers haven’t dropped any. I look at my checkbook, and I’m down a great deal of money from when I started all this journey. I look at the newspapers and the economy is still in the pits. Saturday night comes and there is no one knocking on my door asking me out.
So, how is my life different now than it was when I was feeling the acute grief of the devastation? The facts haven’t changed at all. My attitude about “what is” has changed. I am no longer depressed about the people I have “lost” and I am no longer depressed about the things I have lost. I am accepting of these losses as real. I am accepting that it hurt to lose these things that I thought were mine, or the things that were mine.
I no longer hinge my self respect upon what these formerly significant others think of me. I no longer blame myself. I am able to place the blame where it belongs, on those that hurt me.
I was able to tell my story (debrief) to people who believed IN ME. I processed through the grieving; the denial, the anger, the sadness, the bargaining, and on to acceptance. I worked through my obsession with what had happened in my life. I learned to appropriately place blame where it belonged, and to deshame myself for allowing what happened to happen. I realize that I was conned, in some cases, for a very long time, by people I trusted. I learned that because I am a good and trusting person, I tended to trust others who I thought, wrongly as it turned out, were trustworthy.
I have learned to reframe what happened in light of what I have learned. I have learned that some of the things I “learned” as a child as “truths” are actually untrue.
Because I have gone through these processes in grief and recovery, I am empowered, and realize that I have the new knowledge of new truths that are grounded in reality. I can accept a reality that isn’t what I wish it was, but I can accept it for what it is. The fact that “life is not fair” is a truth. I was treated unfairly, but that no longer defines who I am. I am getting closer and closer each day to Recovery and Healing in spite of what has happened. In fact, because of what has happened to me, I am a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.
Recovery is an exclusive road reserved for the brave who have faced and processed their pain. Debriefing was the first step. Recovery is the last step, which becomes a lifestyle of skilled problem solving. The veteran now meets and solves problems with honed wisdom, courage, and tools. (Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer, Karin.)
Thanks, Oxy….good and timely as usual.
Don’t know exactly where I’m going…but I’m going to get there….for myself and my daughter. And with a lot of help from Lovefraud….thanks, again, Donna!
Who would have imagined that in my life I would have made a baby with a sociopath and another with a narcissist, (interchangeable?) but I came up in an era before where women did not get pregnant, like they do now on a whim, especially the sociopaths? Who would have imagined I would have had the chance to raise my oldest for 5 1/2 years to have her taken from me by a confused group, Justice for Children ( oh would I love to sue them out of existence) because of false allegations-parental alienation syndrome, a thing that the group mentioned patently rejects? Who would have imagined that my oldest daughter now 23, would still not be able to even speak with me for the past seventeen years? Who would have imagined that I was not to lay eyes on my younger daughter for all of the 14 years she is? Who would have imagined that my older daughter should have children now and they have never known the sound of their grandfather’s voice? Who would have imagined that my own mother would have joined up with them against me and went to her grave believing I was some how harming my own daughter. Who would have imagined that at the last minute I was restored to being the executor of her estate only to have my own father and my adopted (does that explain it and her?) sister team up against me? Who would have imagined that my father abandoned me once again after he, with her, managed to tie up the money that was owed to me for the bills and the work I had done for an entire year? Who would have imagined that I got cancer right after I finished repairing her house and selling it? Who would have imagined that for all the years getting to some recovery, getting to having an identity for me apart form having two shame based parents I would be riddled with life such as I have described? I should count myself lucky that I am still alive and can still get out of bed in the morning!
The grieving is never done. I sense a lot yet inside and it feels familiar (comforting in a manner) to be the victim. Yet, we must learn to be victors and walk with our handicap, dignified unto ourselves.
Dear A man who cares,
I hear your pain, and we “sound like siblings”—are you sure we don’t have the SAME family? Lovefraud is a healing place, and I am glad that you have found your way here.
Many of us have had DECADES of pain and loss…loss of SO much in every way imaginable. However, there IS hope that our grief can become acceptance and that we can make peace with it, and with ourselves. Knowledge=power and healing so stay here, and READ and read. I suggest you read the articles in the archives first, just the articles themselves, and take in the immense amount of information here. It will help.
One of the things we have big problems with is being validated, having someone BELIEVE US….and manwhocares, I can tell you one thing, WE HERE AT LF BELIEVE!!!! So the first big hurdle is already crossed here. The next thing is to debrief—in otherwords, tell your story. You have done that, and you have been believed…tell it again if you need to, or more details, whatever you need, we are here. Donna Andersen has put together the best support group and the best information on psychopaths and healing that you can imagine.
QUOTE: “the grieving is never done”—-yes it can be done, and we can become VICTORS! God bless you in your journey toward healing and recovery.
Good Morning Oxy and thank you for your article.
I love it.
I want to be on the “other side” with you.
You are so strong and courageous and loving and giving and empathetic and wonderful. Thank you.
A man who cares–
this is a group that cares and I am glad you are here. I can relate to a lot that you have written. Please hang around.
Everyone– can you please think of me today. After seven months since the discard– I finally have med insurance and I will be going to a doc today at 1:00 DC time. I am scared. B/c of the nature of what has happend, I start thinking that folks think I am nuts. Hmmmm– who put that in my head? I do not trust people now esp when I am hurting as I am with this severe acid reflux and weight loss and depression. I often start crying in the doc’s office now b/c I feel so vulnerable and I can see what this experience has done to my health, my finances, etc. Wel today I will go in there and I will not cry. I will be tough and strong and state my symptoms and get some blood orders and a prescription for Prilosec.
I love you all.
Akitameg
Good luck today at the doctors….. And I hear you when it comes to being emotional. I have spent alot of time with doctors the past few months. And my first visit with my sons counscelor I was a basket case. It taught me early on that I needed to make “sense” and be more articulate. When I was emotional that was difficult to do. And I FELT the counscelor was more focused on me that the PATIENT. Like this mother has gone off the deep end…
It seemed impossible for me to not be emotional at the time, as I DID feel like I was a basket case. I didn’t know how to talk about the “problem” without the “emotion” as the emotion was brought out by the problem!
So this is what helped me. Every time I was going to see these doctors. 2 pieces of paper. First I wrote down everything that was really going on with my son, all the things that brought on the emotion … So naturally I cried, bawled like a baby at times, and got much of it out of my system. Threw that piece of paper out.
Then the next piece of paper was more of a list or jotting down issues that needed to be COVERED at the session. This was to keep me “focused” to stay on course of what needed to be said. And if I did feel really emotional I just handed him the paper. Not the best choice but I have done it when needed.
Blessings Akitameg,
It’s great you’re getting the care you need.
Dear Meg,
Even if you “break down and cry” in the doctor’s office, it isn’t the end of the world. “Not crying” does not equal strength! Sometimes it actually equals strength to cry! Don’t berate yourself if you do cry.
Witsend, good advice about the lists.
Both of you, Thanks meg for that compliment, but YOU MUST SEE that I am NOT any “stronger” than you are, I am just a bit further along the road….that is the only difference. There were times that for weeks I literally lay on the floor in the fetal position crying, weeping, sobbing in pain with my emotional thumb in my mouth, feeling overwhelmed and helpless. I wasn’t helpless, but I FELT helpless. This is part of the grief process, part of the healing process, and we must go THROUGH that pain and feeling weak and injured. We can’t go around that or over or under, we must go THROUGH those feelings, must experience them….but not get STUCK forever in them. (though it does seem like forever while you are going through them, just like it does when you are giving birth and in labor pain, it seems like “forever.”)
Don’t let the therapist’s judgment of you or the physician’s judgment of you, or YOUR PERCEPTION of their judgment throw you in to the pits and start bashing yourself on the head. ACCEPT YOURSELF where you are TODAY….wherever that is. Too many times we let others perceptions of us be OUR perceptions of us (like we did with the Ps) and that is NOT A VALID yard stick to use. The ONLY perception of us that is important is OUR OWN PERCEPTIONS, and we must discard the perceptions of others and write our OWN perception of ourselves. Don’t compare yourself to me, or to anyone else, and don’t accept any one else’s perception of you, MAKE YOUR OWN PERCEPTION OF YOUR WORTH.
For me, realizing that I AM WHO I AM and that WHO I AM is NOT dependent on others preception of who I am, or WHAT I have or don’t have in the way of physical possessions, money, or esteem from others, it DEPENDS ONLY ON ME.
It is NICE to have others value us, but when NO ONE IN OUR ENVIRONMENT VALUES US it doesn’t mean we have NO value, it only means that WE MUST VALUE OURSELVES MORE.
Courage is NOT “not being afraid,” courage is being SCARED CHITLESS and doing what is right anyway. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
Thank-you so much for this post. It is to the heart of what I have been feeling the last few days: Am I drowning or am I learning a new stroke? I often do not know.
It just seems to take its own sweet time, this grieving and healing, and my worry over being stuck, spinning my wheels in the mud, and wondering if my endurance will hold out…….well I am sure everyone here understands.
I am definitely still pissed off at the abuser/s. I just cannot believe he allowed to be alive. So, I have no prayers for him. It will be interesting to see if I get to that place, of compassion.
And it is good to be understood, here, with others who have been through it.
Meg, good luck at the doctor. Enjoy the undivided attention and get everything you can out of your appointment!
Dear Ox Drover,
Thanks for your post. It’s good to know what’s waiting over the rise we all must climb in order to reach recovery.
This AM the kids twisted my arm and forced me to let them watch “Grumpy Old Men” for their Literature lesson.
OK, so they only had to give my arm a quarter turn, and I made the boy write me an essay about what he considered to be the movie’s highlights.
Boy is that a funny movie! I had forgotten about the adult themes and the wordie-dirds those old goats threw around. If I had remembered, I’d have said no and they’d have missed a great story. I guess it came out for the best.
Life after the S can be really good. If you still struggle from time to time, I suggest physical activity, spending time with friends, good books and the occasional funny movie. Laughter is very good for us.
Dear EC and Slimone,
I’m not sure I am “recovered” but I do FEEL CLOSER TO RECOVERY than to the DEVESTATION….and for so long I was still mired in the devestation, so mired I could not see the beauty around me, could not see the POSITIVE things I DO have, only yowl in pain from the things that I did NOT have, could NEVER have, and let that be the focus of my life.
My life is NOT any where close to what I wanted it to be, what I THOUGHT would be “good” for everyone in my family, but I finally realized that I was the ONLY one who wanted that. I thought it would be wonderful IF ONLY….but I was unable to impose my desires on them, make them see how “wonderful” it would have been IF ONLY THEY WOULD…….I could SEE HOW WONDERFUL it would have been IF ONLY…..but they could not, did not, did not share my vision.
I built my castles in the air, my fantasy world that WOULD HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL and when it didn’t materialize I was devestated….I stayed in devestation for so long before I started the healing journey TOWARD the “recovery” end of the continuum. Just as I know I will never be 100% healthy on the Illness to Perfect Health continuum, I know I will never be “100% Recovered,” but at least I am on the POSITIVE END OF THE CONTINUUM. After being on the “bottom” end of devestation part, what I am feeling NOW is so wonderful. I never thought when I was dwelling in the devestation end, the negative end, that I would EVER get to where I could accept that my FANTASY wouldn’t come true, or that I could LIVE WITH and be happy NOT HAVING IT COME TRUE….but reaching ACCEPTANCE of what IS, not what we WANT, is to me at least, the TURNING POINT where we cross from the devestation end of the continuum into the recovery half, the positive half.
I was talking with a friend this morning, she is also a devestated survivor of a psychopath, in fact, she has also had to take “remedial psychopath 101” multiple times, and we discussed this very subject. She is not yet able to ACCEPT WHAT IS, she is still on the negative end of the continuum, but she has made a great deal of progress from where she started which was at the BOTTOM of the scale. She is still righteously angry at the Ps, and would “cheerfully” do them harm (if she could let herself and I know she can’t do that) but she can still fantasize about it. She is moving the right direction at least for now. Another thing too, I found with my own reaching of “acceptance” is that this is not a STATIC thing. If you don’t continue to work on yourself, you can DRIFT BACK the negative direction. Our journey is also not all in one direction, from time to time, at least with me, I would make progress in the + direction one day, only to backslide the next day into the negative direction. Even those “backslides,” though, are part of the onward process.
I think your homeschoolers will not be “ruined” by hearing a few “worty dirds” and, actually, I think, in the end, they will be better off having heard a few of them where you can discuss them with them, so that they won’t be “shocked” when they get out of a protected environment into the “real world.” LOL