By Ox Drover
I’ve been on the “Road to Healing” for a couple of years now, working on getting over the worst of the grief of my losses. According to the author of Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T, the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. I have surely suffered PTSD from the extreme losses by deception that I have suffered.
Ms. Huffer outlines eight steps to recovery for her LAS (Legal Abuse Syndrome), which she shows as caused by the legal abuse that our unfair judicial system heaps upon the heads of those already abused by others. Her eight steps for recovery are basically the recovery from the grief of our losses that we all go through in our attempts to recover.
“Health,” though, according to my education in nursing school, is not a “state of being” that is absolute, but a point on a continuum from Illness to Health. Recovery, I think, too, is a point on a continuum that goes from “Utter Devastation to Recovery.” I have passed the midpoint on that continuum from the point of “utter devastation” from which I found myself after the death of my husband and the coordinated and serial attacks of the psychopaths in my life. I now find myself reaching a point on the Road to Healing/Recovery where I have reached the milestone of Acceptance of WHAT IS, and no longer pine and grieve over WHAT I WISH WAS.
I am no longer feeling the acute pain of grief, I am no longer angry at my abusers, I no longer want to do them harm, in fact, I can actually pray for them with a sincere heart. I don’t trust them at all, of course, nor would I break no contact with them, but the worst of the horrible emotions I felt upon discovering their betrayal are no longer afflicting me. I am closer to Healing and Recovery than I am to the Utter Devastation.
Now what will my life be?
I look in the mirror, and the wrinkles are still there. I get on the scale and the numbers haven’t dropped any. I look at my checkbook, and I’m down a great deal of money from when I started all this journey. I look at the newspapers and the economy is still in the pits. Saturday night comes and there is no one knocking on my door asking me out.
So, how is my life different now than it was when I was feeling the acute grief of the devastation? The facts haven’t changed at all. My attitude about “what is” has changed. I am no longer depressed about the people I have “lost” and I am no longer depressed about the things I have lost. I am accepting of these losses as real. I am accepting that it hurt to lose these things that I thought were mine, or the things that were mine.
I no longer hinge my self respect upon what these formerly significant others think of me. I no longer blame myself. I am able to place the blame where it belongs, on those that hurt me.
I was able to tell my story (debrief) to people who believed IN ME. I processed through the grieving; the denial, the anger, the sadness, the bargaining, and on to acceptance. I worked through my obsession with what had happened in my life. I learned to appropriately place blame where it belonged, and to deshame myself for allowing what happened to happen. I realize that I was conned, in some cases, for a very long time, by people I trusted. I learned that because I am a good and trusting person, I tended to trust others who I thought, wrongly as it turned out, were trustworthy.
I have learned to reframe what happened in light of what I have learned. I have learned that some of the things I “learned” as a child as “truths” are actually untrue.
Because I have gone through these processes in grief and recovery, I am empowered, and realize that I have the new knowledge of new truths that are grounded in reality. I can accept a reality that isn’t what I wish it was, but I can accept it for what it is. The fact that “life is not fair” is a truth. I was treated unfairly, but that no longer defines who I am. I am getting closer and closer each day to Recovery and Healing in spite of what has happened. In fact, because of what has happened to me, I am a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.
Recovery is an exclusive road reserved for the brave who have faced and processed their pain. Debriefing was the first step. Recovery is the last step, which becomes a lifestyle of skilled problem solving. The veteran now meets and solves problems with honed wisdom, courage, and tools. (Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer, Karin.)
Hi Oxy and all, Great post as always so well put and timely filled with meaning. I’m back from my boat trip which was so delightful even though not a single bite for 5 hours we had FUN! Beautiful day, cool breeze, and great company with a man who can only be defined as stable. He even said to me that he has not changed who he is at all that he is exactly as I knew him to be so many years ago. Wow! What a relief. His daughter was beautiful and sweet and his love for her was so touching to see. Only made me sad a little that my daughter doesn’t have that father love in her life. But I realized that I can be attractive to a man, that I’m not the sexless unappealing blob the ex made me feel myself to be. So hours of innocent flirting as he was a total gentleman as expected and my confidence is so much better than before I left. Having a total Wow maybe I’m wasn’t the problem moment and loving how that feels.
TOWOXYANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE YOUR ARTICLE!! Love the way you teach and inspire us all to find our individual healing pathes. Love the stories and learning lessons and joys and pains of simply living life…but living life well filled with a lifetime of solving problems as skillfully as humanly possible 🙂 Knowlege = power. Self- love, trust, esteem, value and worth, etc… = powerful healing attitude. Thanks yet again Ox!!!
Meg – Goodluck today! You are doing it girl!!!!! You are heading in the exact right direction to regain Meg again! I hope all of your tests turn out well and that youre journey becomes lighter and brighter with each passing day. Remember, its always ok to cry…sometimes even necessary!
And you are already to the other side with Oxy and all of us… Good luck today! Please let us know how you made out. xoxo
Joy — such a wonderful post to see your happiness and joy between your lines 🙂 So glad it went well… and really enjoyed reading your WOW moment!!
Dear LTL,
(rubbing toe in dirt, and hanging head in fake humility) Oh, my dear, how you do flatter me! LOL Thank you, sweetie!
Today, real life SUCKS—it is raining out and so it is laundry and house cleaning day! YUK! And with the thunder, I probably ought to unplug my computer so I don’t get a power surge! Catch you guys later if the storm passes over! (((hugs))))
Oxy! (((BIGhugs))) Thanks so much for the solidly good article! It does help me to compare myself to you in that it makes me realize what is possible if I stay on this Path of Healing! It helps me maintain my focus to learn to love and nurture myself. I also know, even though I often feel like it, I’m not alone in facing some very tough aspects of life. People can get really smacked down, and yet somehow — and how great is this? — Life goes on:
Meg is off to the doctor to act on caring for herself; amanwhocares loves and misses his kids, and finds his voice; witsend honors her emotions when others can’t or wouldn’t; Elizabeth is teaching her kids that learning can be filled with laughter and even silliness, as well as focus and discipline. I have to wake up each day and “vote for myself” by doing the things that are nourishing and build strength. So I started today by saying, “There is something that will help coax my courage forward, and the best place to find that is at LoveFraud.” And there was your posting!
I woke up this morning weighed down by despair. Taking the debriefing step and admitting that I’d been hit hard by an n/p saved me. It also ripped the bandaide off my central owie, cause I am examining my life for patterns of dysfunction and abuse. That opened the floodgates to recognizing how well I was prepared to accept destructive and devastating behaviors, pretend “nothing happened, and accept abuse as “normal and healthy.” An alcoholic father, co-dependent mother, and emotionally distant and derisive brother taught me that love is contingent on how well you do what’s demanded, and the people who “love” you have every right to hurt you. No big surprise then that I chose a career that would kick my butt, and had two marriages that reinforced those lessons. When the n/p showed up, I was absolutely great material for emotional abuse, too trusting and too needy for acceptance and affection (posting is http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/03/04/letters-to-lovefraud-she-turned-into-a-snarling-spitting-monster/).
At first, it was impossible for me to see anything good coming out of having my life derailed by another person. Knowing where I was, and how I was avoiding facing myself and my history of accepting abusive behavior, I don’t think I would have entered into this intense self-examination if I hadn’t been devastated. Then I came here to read, read, read! People are incredible: they go through things I can’t imagine and find ways to heal and make themselves stronger! They pass through the fire, and still hold out their hands to encourage somebody else not to give up! They find the compassion and courage to choose to love and care for themselves in the most painful circumstances, and they grieve, heal, and recover!
So the next thing I felt this morning, after reading this thread, was humility, and that living my life is a privilege. I’ve taken some hits, but I haven’t chosen hatred or cultivating bitterness. Instead, I’ve found people to inspire and encourage me by their fine examples. Every good gardener knows what is required: you prepare the soil to fit the plant you hope to grow, you plant the seeds, care for the seedlings as they start to grow, and you give them the water and nutrients they need as they mature. You respect that nature will do its thing, and there are stages that must be passed through to go from a seed to a mature plant. If a plant can rest in that process, then so can I!
It feels like so much sometimes, all the hurt and losses. I also thought, “So if this were my last morning on this earth, what would I do with all this?” I realized that, as heavy and undeniably painful as much of my life is, I would at death’s door be required to LET IT GO! But how? Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist meditation teacher and author, writes that we already know how to do this: we Let Go every time we fall asleep! Be present in this moment, and in this breath, is the advice. Breathe in love and healing, breathe out the rest.
Look in the mirror, get on the scale, look at the equally mournful checkbook balance and newspaper headlines…and just breathe! We survived! — I survived! — and we chose healing and making peace with ourselves and our lives over giving up and being destructive! And when you keep on making those choices day by day, they add up to peace and resilience and strength!
It’s my pleasure to thank you guys for teaching me the positives of what community can do! Heavy things are happening in my world: two relatives are dying, an in-law has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD — and if that’s not enough real drama, alcoholic families excel in creating drama. Isolation, emotional distance, and bullying are on offer, instead of healthy family dynamics. I’m job hunting, I’m broke…But I’m here! I’ve found my path, the Healing Path, and it’s the one with the truest challenge and the best rewards.
Even on “bad days,” I’m beginning to realize that I’m deeply happy to be here. And I have to tell you, I’m amazed.
Dear Betty,
WOW! Talk about a posting that makes ME FEEL HUMBLE, the one above you posted does just that! YOU ARE SO INSPIRING! You write so well and literally bring tears of JOY to my eyes at your strength and determination.
There are some days I feel so strong and others I don’t, but it does seem that on those days I feel “down” or “weak” I find, DO FIND, strength here on LF. Your contribution to todays blogs is one of those STRENGTHS, thank you from the bottom of my heart! (((Hugs)))))) xoxoxox Oxy
(((BIGhugs))) Thanks, Oxy!
One little mouse click, out of desperation — that’s what brought me here. The notion of healing from the inside out got me hooked. Finding good stuff made me stay.
Life really did send the test first, and then the lesson — but it’s great that the School of Here rocks! This stuff works; how cool is that?
Hey everyone–
I went to the doc!
so they took blood for thyroid and nutrition. they also tested me for H. Pylori– that stomach bug thAT Causes ulcers. She gave me samples of Aciphex for my severe reflux and said– No coffee!!!! Oh my gosh– my one left addiction.
They are also referring me to a upper GI doc so that I can have an endoscopy to see why my reflux is so bad.
I did not cry. I did not talk about an ex psyco.
this was big for me.
I have a bood to recommend to all of the LF FAmily–
“Entering the Castle: Finding THe Inner Path to God and Your Soul’s Purpose
by… Caroline Myss
Okay- question. Oxy– you can probably answer this one.
I am 39! I would like to become a Nurse Practitioner. I have worked in Hospitals and Nursing homes and Assisted Livings long enough that I know it is something I would like to do. Not to mention that my sperm donor (who did not leave m five cents and gave me up for adoption cuz he was married.) was a doctor/anesthesiologist an medical stuff not only interests me, but seems to come naturally.
AM I TOO OLD. I would need like 4 more years of school! Where do I get the money.
Is is possible you guys?
Akitameg
YOU ARE Young!!! You go girl….See about school loans & sometimes when you are low to no income you can get grants and monies that might not have to be paid back.
Trust me, at least give it your best shot….I am so sorry I didn’t go to back school when I was your age because I thought about it…But I had just had a baby (at 39) and I just didn’t know if I could have so much on my plate.
I am pretty sure that you would NOT regret going back to school! You might regret if you don’t though 🙂
akitameg:
I worked and borrowed my way through 3 degrees — and I was an “old” undergraduate when I went back and finished my BA so it is do-able.
Since you’re going back as an old-undergrad, and since you live in a major metro area, you should contact the colleges and see what programs and financial aid they can give a “non-traditional student”. A lot of time they will take your existing credits and give you “life-experience” credit which is related to the field you want to go into.
Also, if you attended nursing school while also working at the related university, often the university pays for some of your credits. I know I had friends who were going for BAs in certain health-care related fields who had Associates and the worked at the hospital while attending school and their tuition was at least partiall covered.
Wow Matt–
I have worked in the medical field– in nursing homes, hands on for 10 years.
thank you for the advice and anymore you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Much love to you Matt,